Six Things I’ve Learned About Women In The Last Six Years

***Limiting it to the last six years, because well, a lot has happened in the last six years. Plus, nothing that happens in the first 25 years of your life matters, anyway***

1. When they say “You know, I can enjoy sex without having an orgasm”—it’s actually (well, usually actually) the f*cking truth!

I imagine that I’m not the only man who’s had trouble understanding this concept. For (most of) us, sex without an orgasm is like going to your favorite BBQ place, ordering a slab of ribs, smelling them, biting them, chewing, and then spitting it back onto the plate. But, apparently, women don’t work that way, and can be perfectly content with occasionally chewing and spitting (and sleeping) instead of swallowing.

(There is one caveat, though. “Occasionally” wasn’t put there by accident. Extending my quintuple entendre even further, they have to, um, “swallow” pretty consistently too to be okay with the occasional chewing and spitting.)

2. They’re all hoarders. Every single one of them.

Lemme put it this way. If one of your homeboys asks you to help him move, you know that if you all get started at 8am, you’ll be done in time to make your weekly 1pm pick-up game.

If a woman asks you to help her move, though, 8am-1pm will just be the time spent cleaning out her f*cking bathroom.

You will also find yourself having conversations like this:

“I didn’t know you liked to sew.”

“I don’t”

“Oh. Well, why to you have this full sewing set?”

“Oh, I forgot all about that. My aunt bought that for me on my 22nd birthday. I tried using it, but it makes my fingers swell up.”

“Oh, ok. This is going in the trash then, right?”

“Heavens no! I’m not throwing that away”

3. They’re just as scared of commitment as men stereotypically are, but they just do a better job of hiding it.

It makes perfect sense, actually. Women who want to be wives and mothers and shit have like an 18 minute window to determine if some guy who doesn’t even wash when he takes showers (“I just like to let the heat and water cleanse me“) won’t knock her up, bounce, and basically waste the rest of her reproductive years raising the product of his jackal jizz by herself.

And, while men who’ve made “bad” commitments can start entirely new families a decade or three later, women, well…women can star on Starter Wives.

4. If she likes you—like, really likes you—she’s going to start to do things that will annoy the f*ck out of you. But, 96 times out of 100, those “things that will annoy the f*ck out of you” are just “things that she’s doing to alter your lifestyle in order to help extend your time on Earth…so she’ll have 60 years to continue to annoy you instead of 40″

***Wondering where to forward all the hate mail I’m going to receive from men already pissed that their girl threw all the salt in the house away and wakes them up at 7am every morning to do yoga and even more pissed now that their girl will read today’s entry, and say “See. Champ knows that the 5am kayaking and beet and alfalfa shakes are good for your heart“***

5. She really, really, really is paying attention to the way we dance.

And the way we interact with other women. And the way we walk. And the way we walk if we’re walking into a crowded room, and whether that moment changes anything about us. And the way we drive. And the way we look at them. And the way we look when we see them for the first time in a while. And the way we use utensils.

6. You know why they get so frustrated with a grown man who doesn’t seem to know what the f*ck he wants out of life? Because, well…they don’t know what the f*ck they want, either.

As always, everyone is wrong about everything, all of the time.

But, if she likes you and you’re at least making a sincere (and adult) effort to figure it out—whatever “it” happens to be—she’ll believe in you.

Anyway, people of, that’s it for me, but I’m curious. What are some things you’ve learned about the opposite sex in the last few years? We’re all fam and shit. Don’t be scared to share.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)