lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us

in his most devoted attempt to fight crime, the champ debuted the compass in may, providing the women of vsb with an infallible guide to decipher what men really mean when we’re talking to them. despite his efforts, crime has continued and nicky minaj is still alive, heart-breaking facts inspiring the champ to clear the lines of communication a bit more with the vsb guide to what smart men usually hear when women are talking to us because sometimes the distance between what you say and what we actually hear is farther apart than shaq’s eyes.

“we need to talk…later” = “you know you done f*cked up, right? but, although i know what i need to talk at you about will probably take less than 5 minutes, i’m just going to let you linger in anticipation for the rest of the day for the upcoming guilt ridden tongue-lashing you’re going to receive about something you still have no idea you even did.”

“i miss you” = “bastard, if you dont at least tell me that you miss me back, we’re probably not having sex again until the browns win another game”

“do you think she’s attractive?” = “i need to know which types of women you find attractive so i can start hating them for no apparent reason. i’ll also need this info to limit your contact with any of my girlfriends who might favor them.”

“whats your name?”/”hi” *with a smile*/”hi” *without a smile*/*a smile*/*any positive non-verbal interaction from a female stranger* = “i want your babies”

“i have a really attractive friend who’d be great for you” = “my friend has eight cats. five of them are better looking than she is, and, according to her last boyfriend, one of them is actually better in bed”

“do you like my new hairdo?” = “since you haven’t said anything about it yet, i’m assuming you hate it. but, if you say you like it, i’ll know you’re lying. basically, you’re f*cked.”

“how was your day?” = “did anything happen to you today that i can somehow segue into a 17 minute tangent about myself?”

“i have a boyfriend” = either “try harder” or “no offense, but i think you’re a homosexual”. no in-between.

(from a girlfriend) “i’m going out with my girls tonight” = “i’m going to go out, flirt with a ton of men, accept a bunch of free drinks, dance with my girls, grind with a couple guys like an extra in a freekey zekey video, and come home and take out all of my drunken sexual energy on you. you should be very happy with this arrangement”

“i usually get along with men much better than i get along with women” = “i’m a ho. no, seriously. i’ve held more wangs than a chinese cemetery.”

“kim’s boyfriend just got a promotion. he’s doing really well” = “you’re not going to be broke forever, are you?”

“i’m not really that hungry right now. what are you in the mood for?” = “even though i said i’m not that hungry, i’m probably going to shoot down your first three suggestions. my advice? pick a restaurant without pictures on the menu”

“i’ve had a really stressful week” = “i want your babies…on my chest”

i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.

oh, and ladies, what gets lost in translation with us? what do you usually hear when we’re talking to you?

—the champ

the compass: the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you

much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass

ladies, in furthering our committment to crime fighting, the champ will be your compass and, if you’re hot, willing concubine. without further ado, here’s a portion of the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you.

“hey, i just wanted to tell you that i care about you, and i think about you all the time.” = “i know that i’m a half-thread of toilet paper on the anal fissure of bad boyfriends, but i’m hoping this’ll make you verklempt enough to forget that and continue the post-dawn daily bj’s”

thats not what i meant” = “actually, i did mean exactly that, but since this unexpectedly upset you, i’m gonna to continue to rephrase it until i find something that works. take a seat. this might take a while”

huh? excuse me? can you repeat that?” = “i heard you, but i just need a bit more time to patch up this tattered story”

“whats your name?” = “not you, dummy. i’m talking to your boobs. are they fraternal or identical twins?”

i really dont understand women” = “i really dont understand why women generally think i’m lame”

“where did you learn how to do that?” = “seriously, where did you learn how to do that, and how crazy must you be to have that skill-set and still be single???”

“whats your friend’s name?” = “is there a clause for buyer’s remorse in our relationship contract?”

am i getting fat?” = “i’m gay.”

“we should work out together” = “i like you. i really do. but, i’m going to make your life a passive-aggressive living hell until you lose some weight”

“i’m not looking for a relationship right now” = “i’m not looking for a relationship with you right now…just your vagina”

when was the last time you had sex?” = “if we do the do and i decide to go down on you, i won’t be tasting geralds nuts, will i?”

my day was good, and yours?” = “even though this never works, i’m begging you to allow my blatantly succinct answers to rub off on you”

where do you see us in five years?” = “please break up with me now so i dont have to feel guilty about the inevitable sneak attack break-up three weeks from now”

‘hi” (to a girlfriend) = “whats wrong???”

“whats wrong? = what did i do???”

“what did i do???” = “i know what i did, i just wanna see how much mileage i still have on this ignorance card”

i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.

oh, and ladies, i aint forget about ya’ll, lol. you’re not gonna get off the hook that easily. share your compasses too.

–the champ