Tag Archives: communication

Things Men Talk About When Women Aren’t Looking

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“For real? I never would have thought that using my girlfriends razors and body wash mixed with her nail polish remover would get me a clean shave on my balls. Thanks man!”

If I had a dollar for every time a woman was surprised after I told her that guys actually talk about feelings and emotions amongst one another I’d probably have enough to buy Oprah – the lean years. It would seem that most women that all of men’s conversations involve strippers (a lot do), pr0n (a lot do), and sports (even our emotional convos involve sports analogies or references to sports figures going through what we’re going through). Oh, and hip-hop. They also ALL involve hip-hop especially since rappers are now on vh1 putting their relationships on blast. That might actually be the best assist ever to men. We can watch some of these shows in the name of hip-hop (and all that’s wrong with it) all the while truly satiating our inner gossip.

By the way, Scandal might be the most ratchet show on television and is Basketball Wives for the educated set. Yeah, I said it.

Anyway, the point is, men have a lot of deep and meaningful and ridiculous conversations that probably sound a lot like the conversations women have. Hey, people are people and men, we’re a people. You’d like some examples? I got examples. Let me consult my (dated political joke coming in 5…4….3….2….1) binder full of b*tches. Word to Mitt Romney.

1. Our hair (or lack there of).

So you know how there are Facebook pages and twitter hashtags dedicated to #teamnaturalhair and #longhairdontcare and all that joyous pride women have in their hair – though perms seem to catch all types of hell. Seriously, why does what that chick does with her hair affect your life? Women, so beautiful but so angry when it comes to hair. Anyway, guys? We do that too. Though usually its guys who are either going bald, are bald, or just shave their head because they like the bald look. See, noboby likes razor bumps and as bald men, you’re entire life is dedicated to finding that perfect shave to eliminate the possibility of such inconveniences. So guys trade tips on what types of razors we use and what type of products we use after the fact. Things like how often do you shave, do you go with or against the grain, what products don’t work, etc. Many a woman will tell you a smoothly shaved bald head is a thing of wonder…well, men we notice these things too and if we’re bald we want to achieve that thing of wonder. While I’m sure there are some support groups for men who shave their heads, I don’t know any guys who would actively seek them out and put their FB profile on it to yell it loud, “I’m bald and I’m proud.” These same practices also occur for chaps with locs.

2. Which rappers/athletes are sleeping with so and so, etc.

Obviously we all know that men gossip just as much (its not more) than women. However, our gossip…#itsjustdifferent. We talk about who ball players and rappers are dating. And if they do something stupid we acknowledge it as well, but largely we tend to be amazed at how certain rappers manage to to snag the baddest chicks at all times. Etc. We also like to talk about how some rappers and athletes seem to be total b*tches and how we’d never want to hang with them either. Etc. Ya know, guy stuff.

3. How f*cked up so and so is for doing such and such…

Despite what we display to the world via our thuglike exteriors, men are amazingly emo. I know, Captain Obvious checking in. However, guys also do tend to hold their boys accountable for a lot of dumb sh*t that we do. Just because we tend to eschew all advice and consult that would likely help us out in life doesn’t mean we’re not getting it. This could be a function of having good friends – which I do – but there hasn’t truly been a bad decision I’ve mad yet that hasn’t been questioned by my boys in a very methodical and sensical way. Same with relationships, guys will talk very candidly and openly about both the good and bad in their relationships amongst one another. I mean, we all need somebody to talk to. I might seem unbelievable since many women complain that men won’t open up about our feelings to them but we do tend to share them with our boys at times. I know, its counterproductive. I know. But hey, we’re human.

4. Self-improvement….

While I think that women are probably the largest consumers of self-help books and programs – notice I said largest, not only – guys will absolutely discuss ways that we can improve as people and what we need to be doing to be a stand up person for the community and for our families, etc. Again, we might not be perfect in our own personal dealings but we largely know what we need to be doing and we talk about that a lot. “I need to step up for my family. ” “I need to take more of an active role in helping out around the house”. Etc. These convos happen.

Now, these converse tend to feature a lot more colorful language than they probably do when being held by our ladyparts counterparts but they do indeed happen.

Fellas, what are other convos we have that women would be surprised we’re having? Ladies, have you ever been privy to a convo you were surprised your man or any man was having?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. COUNTRY NINJA aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Man’s Man List of Cost Efficient, Planned Dates

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Aww, a Black family without guns. We're like the Obamas.

Make sure you check out the second installment of The Don’ts of Dating: How To Lose A Good Thing in 8 Days (Part 2 of 2) by VSB P and Rahiel over at Urban Cusp. It’s as good as Part 1. Shoot them things and holler, ge-ge-get ‘em girl.

Now you may read that title and think that I mean cheap. But the truth is the key to a woman’s heart isn’t in how much you spend; it’s in how much thought you put into it. See, b*tches love the smiley face. But what they love more than the smiley face is effort and thoughtfulness. Yes fellas, if you spend even five minutes thinking about what you’d like to do to show her that you care you are winning.

And for the record: dinner/movie/smang does not take five minutes to conjure.

Why am I writing this? Well for one, I’m motherf*cking benevolent. For b, it’s Christmas and after you blow all of your dough on Christmas presents, you’re going to need all of January through November to recoup. Ladies, take heed…our pockets are going to be short for the rest of the year. The. rest. of. the. year.

Well here’s a caveat for you fellas. Many of us are afraid of simping out for some woman that we may not even like. Except, you are already interested because you are taking her out. Give it up. Turn it loose. Take off your cool and realize that giving a sh*t about a woman is how we got here. Sure they drive us crazy, but evolution and your namesake can’t show up unless you put in some work.

With that being said, here’s a list of cost-efficient but thoughtful dates that women wouldn’t be mad at.

1. Let’s take, a long walk.

In the middle of the day. On her lunch break. Yep. Show up at her job, call her and tell her to meet you outside because you wanted to take a walk with her. Do you know why you stay winning here? The element of surprise. Women love surprises that show you’re thinking about them. And whats more intimate than taking a walk with somebody? You’re stuck for that however long time you’re traversing those sidewalks in the concrete jungle. Plus women looooooooooooove them some good company. Keep her laughing and smiling and a little innocent random shoulder brushes and she’ll f*ck around and fall in love before you hit 0.2 miles.

2. Picnics

And the crowd said, “duh”. Look, picnics are the great leverage equalizer. Sure you’re trying to get some stank out of her. But you ended up actually liking her. And do you know how I know you ended up liking her? Ain’t no ninja about to expend the energy it takes to put together a picnic on a woman he ain’t feeling. Word.Life. A picnic is not an easy thing to pull off. You have to make everything. Find a locale. Buy a checkered blanket (it ain’t a wifebeater unless its white and it ain’t a picnic unless the blanket is checkered), and you need a basket. You’re going to have to take your happy arse to a Michael’s or something to get a basket. Not a container ninja. Oh, and the point about trying to get you some stank? Well, after you do a picnic (which can be cheap though it takes effort), she’ll be trying to figure out when to give it to you. All you do is win, win, win no matter what.

Oh, and if you combo number 1 and number 2, SHE might propose to you. That’s thoughtful.

3. Go watch the sunset…befo.

There are very few things more romantic than just sitting out and staring at stars or a sunset together. It’s like looking at motherf*cking ducklings, pimpin. You ever take a chick to look at ducklings and not fall in love? You have to be a cold duck (no pun intended) to look at a duckling and not fall in love. Sunset? Ducks? Same sh*t.

4. Museum

I live in DC so this might be cheating but all of our good museums are free. Same with our zoo. Going to the museum intimates culture. And chicks like culture. Even hood rats think going to a museum means something. You get kudos for going to one of the off kilter ones too. Don’t just hit up American History. Hit up Natural History and check out the dinosaur bones. And fossils. Or go to an aquarium. Aquariums rock. Word to Pookie. Our Aquarium in DC is like 8 bucks. And it is an 8 dollar ass aquarium. But it’s underground and its a cool excursion. Because who thinks to go to the Aquarium. That sounds like you thought about it. Thinking? That’s effort, ninja. Or a botanical garden. Go learn something motherf*cker.

5. Things we think white people do

Like ice skating. You saw The Program. Word up.

6. Most importantly, things you heard her say she likes

This one is hard because it requires listening. I know, listening is for suckas. But the truth is, if you listen to a woman talk long enough she’ll give you all kinds of interests of hers and you can take one word like “travel” or “food” and find some cool travel exhibit. For free my ninja! Or take her on a “cook your own ethnic food” date. Actually, that last one might run you. Don’t do it. Buy her an ethnic cookbook and say, let’s cook together. Cooking together? Quality time. And women love quality time. Do you know why? It means you’re thinking about her. Which makes it thoughtful.

Score.

Those are a few ideas. My people, what else do you have? Ladies, help us out. Let us know your most thoughtful date or what would constitute a perfect date to you? And fellas, what else you got. Contribute to the database!!!!

Out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TRENDSETTER P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL YOU A 3

 

And You Say She’s Just A Friend.

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If you do this, you are wrong. Stop it. And get some color.

Here’s a simple question for the single masses: if you happened to get into a committed relationship tomorrow, exactly how many people would you have to stop talking to outright because your relationships could be deemed inappropriate?

Take your time. Think on it.

*humming Curtis Mayfield’s “The Makings Of You”*

If I did an actual honest assessment of most of my opposite sex relationships, then there’s a good chance I’d need to drop kick a solid 98 percent of my female friends to the curb. Ya know, should I get into a relationship.

Here’s an even more interesting piece: I don’t even know how half of those relationships got to the inappropriate phase. Or if they’re even really inappropriate. Most of them would probably just bother anybody that I’d be dating. It’s no like all of my friendships are filled with sexting and slumber parties that involve naked twister. In fact, most of them are chock full of conversations that are relevant to life and dating. It’s just that every so often, they can veer into questionable and head right down into “make the preacher blush” territory.

And I think that 99 percent of functioning, datable men have this same problem. Hell, I’ll bet that even men in relationships have this conundrum. Because from what I’ve learned, most women aren’t really that concerned with making an off the cuff remark on occasion. And there aren’t many dudes who are going to check that kind of behavior because…well…why? It doesn’t happen frequently and he doesn’t plan on digging deeper into its origins or meanings so…live and let live.

Here’s another thing to wonder about: I’m almost sure that women would be on a seek and destroy mission when it came to those relationships they didn’t feel were appropriate now that their man has a woman. But I can’t honestly ever remember caring really that my girls had single male friends. Maybe its the assumption that all men are dogs and need to have the temptation removed for them. Kind of like the idea that women don’t trust other women when its the man’s actions that would be the problem. Twiddle dee dum.

And maybe its the idea that men are so self-centered that we’d never really suspect our women of stepping out on us anyway, so it doesn’t matter. I’m not much of a jealous guy anyway so maybe I’m projecting here. Cinema.

I’ve lost my point.

So if men have these inappropriate relationships with beaucoup women, do these same women deem their own relationships inappropriate or do they feel that because they can manage them it doesn’t matter. Can they really manage them? Or does it not matter because women get tunnel vision once they’re in relationships and through attrition get rid of all of their friends anyway leaving only their man to be their homey/lover/friend because R. Kelly created the term on a lonely night when all the kids were at Christmas pageants?

Hell, what do women deem inappropriate within the confines of a “friendship” anyway? I know what constitutes inappropriate but I don’t mind it at all. And if a tree falls in the forest and a badly written essay about what a white man would do if he were a Black child is the only thing around to hear it, does the essay even matter? Lauryn teaches me that nothing even matters, at all.

I asked a lot of questions. Mostly because I’m curious after looking at my own life and having a conversation or two with male and female friends of mine. And it hurt a little that I’d have to get kicked to the curb. But it makes sense. You make one too many “what you can do with that boob” jokes and next thing you know the new beau ain’t really feeling you dun son.

So I ask you, VSBers, how many relationships do you have that would have to end if you got into a relationship? And if you are in a relationship, do you have any that could be deemed questionable if your boo thang found out? If so, why maintain them?

Holler at me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka YUNG P DA FLY THIEF aka GIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

For the DC massive: If you’re looking for a good deed to do this Christmas season, consider heading out to support Karaoke for a Cause on Thursday, 12/15 from 6-10pm at Liv Nightclub (11th and U, NW). You can bring a toy or a $20 donation for Southeast White House as one of VSB’s own commenters, Crystal Marie of awordorthree.com is helping put on the event. This is not a VSB event, but it is something that all VSB/VSS can get behind because its intended to help the less fortunate out. And if you can’t make it but would like to donate, click here.

If You Know Better, F&^king Do Better

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If they were Black, I'd say they don't know their daddies.

While I know why I do certain things, I can’t really explain why I do certain things.

Feel me? Probably not. Let me try this another way.

A long time ago, I washed a pen in some jeans. Genius move I know. So I pull the pen out of the now so fresh and so clean jeans andI get to pondering. I say to myself, “Self, I wonder if I open this pen cap, will ink spill all over the place?”

Hmm.

Now, this is a dumb question. Everybody knows that if you wash a pen, it generally breaks and goes squidward on your 501s. Most people are just happy to find out that their jeans are unblemished. Panama on the other hand? Nope. I shun common sense in the face of adversity. I scoff at normalcy and unproven factual theories. Sure there MIGHT be ink, but if I don’t pull the pen cap off, can I really say with complete certainty that my pen DID break and I’d get ink everywhere? Philosophy, thou art my maiden.

So yeah, I pulled open that pen cap and got ink on my hands (took forever to clean off) and all over my cheap beige-Halle Berry colored rug. Pure genius move. Plus, everybody knows I’m a motherf*cking monster.

Now the point of this story is that I pretty much knew what was going to happen but I still eschewed conventional wisdom and pulled the cap, caught the fade, and cleaned the carpet. Quadruple C’s.

So what’s the second point of this story? Well, two things. 1) scared money don’t make money, and b) relationships would probably be so much smoother if more of us acknowledged that we just damn know better most of the time…and f*cking leaned on that principle. I can’t tell you how many situations I’ve been in where I KNEW what the right answer was, or what the right way to handle a situation would be, should be, or how it all could be, and because of my own pride, I let the sh*t ride. Front back, and side to side.

That rhymed.

It’s interesting too because nobody is immune to it though it seems like a solid 99 percent of men’s problems in relationship comes down to knowing better and doing otherwise anyway. In fact, that’s probably the reason women stay pissed and peeved (not angry) with us so often, we do little stupid sh*t that we know better than to do. Our biggest liability in most situations is that we aren’t dumb.

Like, I know that if we get into an argument you just want me to listen to you and acknowledge what you have to say. But we’re beefing, f*ck that. I’d rather create the second argument that has nothing to do with the first one just so that you don’t get the satisfaction. Seriously, how f*cking retarded is that?

I know when you ask me how you look that you don’t want to hear “fat” or “not bad”. But do I just say “good” or “lovely”? Nope. I say “not bad” or “you don’t look bad at all.” Semantics is a motherf*cker and I know that. Yet, for whatever reason, my ability to take the shortest distance between my mouth and your nudity never seems to occur. Which is even worse for somebody who writes a relationship blog (unless its a sh*tty one…they really might not know better). I can’t get out of any argument because it’s OBVIOUS that I just damn know better.

I know what to say. I know what to do. I just chose not to do or say the right things because…well, I don’t wanna. Pride is a helluva drug. Which again…stupid logic. I’ve got hometraining and effectively, my entire upbringing was dedicated to making sure that I knew better than to make a bad decision whenever one presented itself.

It’s like getting a liberal arts degree. I keed. I keed. #occupywallstreet

*ducks tomatoes*

I know better than to stick my wang in what looks like a wang shredder. I know not to poke the bear. And I know to just letting sleeping dogs lie. Because I know better.

I know to just tell you whats on my mind. I know to let you know if I’m going to need to change plans. I know that I shouldn’t grind up on that chick in front of you or anybody that knows you. I know I shouldn’t make certain comments to an ex or hug that voluptuous chick with the dong too long. I know that I shouldn’t find myself in a compromising situation even if its not totally my fault…and if I do, I know that I should get myself out of it as quickly as possible. ASAP. And I know that if I get caught doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing, either big or small, I shouldn’t lie. When I was 6 lying made it worse and when I’m 60, lying will make it worse.

I just damn know. And yet I don’t do it anyway. Or do do it anyway. Or do that thing that I wasn’t supposed to have did done. The things you do, make me come running to you…to stab you. Or at least that’s what she said.

With great power comes great responsibility and with growth comes bigger drawz. But sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me as I quest to get better about doing some things. Or why I’ve been that way anyway. Like, I KNOW what I should do or say most of the time and I still struggle. If I was a Carebear, I’d be Struggle Bear. Actually, that doesn’t even fit.

But if I know better, I should just f*cking do better, right? Like Donuts track #2, I’m workinonit.

Sadatay.

What about you? Are you part of the #struggleteam? If so, why? Why don’t we (men and women – women f*ck up too) just damn do better? How much time do you spend mad at your boo because they do some f*cksh*t despite the fact that they know better? Why are there so many questions? Do I know? Do I know? Why’d I just ask the same question twice? Who ya wit?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. FEELYOGUHL aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Testing Testing, 1,2,3,4

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Yes, that's what you think it is. Scantron Nike Blazers.

People suck.

Let me rephrase that into a less inflammatory statement. People are inherently flawed, especially when emotions come into play. In the oddest display of lack-of-grown-up-ism, even the most professionally accomplished professionals turn into maladjusted, insecure, immature, validation vampires when feelings come into play. Which is a damn shame if you think about it.

Think about it.

The people we’ve entrusted with our hearts, souls of mischief, and physical health are the very people we spend the most time actually TRYING to drive away. Granted, I know trust is a hard thing to come by. I mean, she say she on birth control, no I don’t trust it ho. Not my words, by the way.

And oh yeah, damn shame.

So let’s get into some examples shall we? Based on the title of this post, you can see where I’m going. Oh those little games we play. You go high, and I will see. Let me be the one to make you weak. Or something. Why the hell do folks go so far to test people we’re dealing with. Especially when we’re setting them up to fail.

Por ejamplo.

Ladies, why do you all do this? Why do you tell us to do something that you do not want us to do – that we REALLY want to do – just to see if we’ll make the decision that you think we should make to prove that we take you into consideration when we already had done did that by not even bringing up the thing you told us to do that you don’t really want us to do in the first place? Color me badd.

I swear ‘fore God and three white people that I can’t even recall how many times I’ve been hit with this one. I remember one time an ex of mine brought up something I wanted to do to me that I had no intention of even mentioning because I didn’t want to be rude ONLY for her to tell me to do it. I must have asked like 50 times to make sure she was sure. She said yes every single time AND THEN justified why I should go do it…ONLY to be pissed at me for then going and doing it and attempting to make my life hell while I was doing what she told me to do that she really didn’t want me to ever be doing at all. I was simultaneously pissed and confused. I mean, I asked over and over. I didn’t even bring it up. And yet I ended up in trouble for not being considerate of her feelings.

Say heffa say what? Oh no she didn’t. And I say ladies here because I can’t truly imagine a man doing this. When it comes to stuff we don’t want you to do, we don’t play the passive aggressive games. We straight up try to control your life. We don’t suggest that you don’t do something. Oh no, that would make too much sense. Nope. We straight up threaten your life if you DO do it. Men, what cards!

“And you better not go on that trip with your friends. You better keep your self here and tend to yo’ ni**a.”

By the way, I acknowledge that the man-route here is equally ridiculous. I also don’t understand that.

Sidenote: I’ve never actually been one to threaten a chick on something I didn’t want her to do. Frankly my dear, I don’t give a f*ck. I feel like grown people make their own decisions and suffer the consequences of those decisions. To that end, I’ve kicked a chick straight to the curb solely based on her decision to do something that I was nonplussed about. In my defense, she deserved it. I mean she asked me if an ex could spend the night. And turns out she let him do that so they could “talk.” Gotta go, gotta go.

Similarly, (and I’m not 100 percent sure this is a test so much as it’s just retarded), you almost have to browbeat a lot of guys into tell you what’s bothering them. I’m no different in this regard. Except, I really don’t want to talk about it. I know some dudes who will keep trying to get you to ask them what’s bothering them. Which is…sissified. You know what, a lot of women do this one too. And of course, as is the case with everything else that is emotionally charged, if you chose to ignore the ridiculous prompts to probe somebody who obviously has something to say but doesn’t want to bring it up unless asked, then they get mad and think you don’t care about them. When the truth is, like any normal individual, most of us just hate ridiculousness.

And yet, in order to let people know that you care, you have to not only acknowledge, but also indulge ridiculous sh*t.

Ho hum. Prostitute.

Like I said, people suck. We all need Jesus.

So people, why do you think we spend so much time testing each other? What gives? What are the other games men and women constantly play? And ladies, ‘pacifically, why do you all do that tell me to do something that you don’t want me to do only to get unnecessarily mad because I only did it because you told me too? Why even go down that road?

Straight up now tell me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3