All Of Men And Women’s Issues Can Be Tied To This Very Scenario: Do You Want Me To Come Over or Nah?

(via Guymoments)

For those who can’t see the video because your technology is in beta mode circa 2002, let me break this down very simply. And this is a scenario that I’m sure nearly everybody who has ever dated somebody is familiar with.

Girl calls Boy and says she’s in neighborhood and asks him if he wants her to come over.

Boy says, “I ain’t trippin. You can do that.”

Girl says, “What does that mean? Do you WANT me to?”

Boy says, “It’s cool if you come by, but if you don’t, it’s okay too.”

Girl says, “So you aren’t looking forward to me coming by?”

You know how the rest of this goes. Boy gets flustered, girl gets pissed. Boy can’t believe this turned into an actual argument. Girl can’t believe boy doesn’t understand her simple request. Boy realizes he actually doesn’t want her to come over any longer. Girl determines that boy is an asshole.

Quick synopsis here as this situation is likely familiar enough to everybody where much discussion on my part ain’t necessary. I will never understand why this battle gets fought. I really won’t. You called me in the middle of whatever the hell I was doing. Which means that at the time, no, I wasn’t thinking about your monkey ass. But you call and are all like, “Oooooh we love you PJ, I’m around the corner, you want me to stop by.” At which point I’m like, sure, cool. Come thru. That’s the green light. The whole, “wait, but do you want me part” is sooooooooo unnecessary. That’s like calling your damn hairdresser and being like, “hey, I’m free, can you do my hair right now?” She’s like “cool.” You’re not going to ask her, “oh, but do you want to do my hair?”

And miss me with the intimacy. Relationships with hairdressers and barbers are as personal as sh*t gets. You actually have to break up with them. Real talk. I just avoided my barber. It was easier for all of us.

But, I know women have this whole “I want you to want to do xyz”. I even alluded to it in my last post about a perfect man. You want to feel wanted. And that’s cool, and I’m gon’ let you finish, but real spit…bye Felicia.

It’s an unnecessary fight. You called me and I’m like, “it’s cool.” You want me to be just as excited about your idea at the moment you have as you are despite the fact that you probably “ended” up in my neighborhood with a plan in the first place.

This is the breakdown point for men and women. And it was ARTFULLY crafted from the male’s point of view via the video. Especially our frustration. We go from like, “yeah, come thru” to actually NOT wanting you to come by. At all.

Man wants something? He makes the call, gets it, or does it. When presented with option that we’re okay with, we say “cool, that’ll work”. It should end there.

The rest of that drama can be kept for your mama. Oh, and your cousin too.

Ladies, make this make sense to me. Please. Fellas…can you help me??

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. SHE’S KILLIN’ MY VIBE SHE’S KILLIN’ MY VIBE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

If There Was A Problem, Yo, I’ll Solve It!: Convenient Solutions to Common Interpersonal Problems

1318978832I remember the first time I heard somebody explain to me how they were going to keep their potentially enlarging spouse or significant other in shape over the years. Okay, that’s not true, I don’t remember the first time I heard it at all. But I do remember the plan:

“P, for reals dun son, as we get older, I’ll just park further and further away from the entrance of wherever we’re doing. Every day will just be like a German Volksmarch, exept without the beer and patch at the end to validate the event. If I’m lucky, it will have the effect of hearing Kendrick Lamar’s verse on “Control” over and over again for the next 20 or so years.”

Because the first time I heard this I was likely in high school, a solid 60 percent of that quote is made up. It’s like The Butler, except not 2-plus hours long. By the way, The Butler was a good movie.

Moving on, for righter or wronger, the idea behind doing something relatively benign to achieve a greater good isn’t outlandish. Sure in the case presented it always seemed a bit mean spirited, but you can’t break dance without Turbo and Ozone. And this can go both ways. We all saw Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Aunt Viv kept her figure no matter what color she was and Uncle Phil did too….

*cues Jazz being thrown from the hiznayee*

Well, this got me to thinking about other convenient solutions to issues you might confront in your relationship. And I’m not talking about significant problems, just more…differences between you and your other. Or just the other person with you at the time.

You need un ejemplo right? Is that example in that Spanish? I really don’t know. I could look that up. I totally didn’t.

Problem: The Non-stop Vocalist Non-Singer

So you ever been in a car with somebody who HAS to sing every damn song that comes on if they know it. Except, they ain’t no singer. Nor are they a a rap-singer. They justa be f*cking your entire driving experience with their 27-octave non-range and liberal interpretation of C-notes. It’s almost like singing on-key hurts more than off-key. Well this is a problem, albeit one you can learn to live with…if off note don’t bother you much. If they do, however, you need a solution pronto.

So what’s the solution? Well, you introduce them to new music. In the car. While you’re driving. Basically,  you make sure they hear music they DON’T know the words to so that they CAN’T sing them, all the while introducing them to some new music they will eventually slaughter. Of course, anybody who knows a non-singing singer knows, they will attempt to anticipate words with the music they don’t know so that they can sing, but it will happen less frequently than playing Beyonce, Justin Timberlake or Michelle Obama speeches.

Problem: The Opposites Attract Phenomenon

Say you forego conventional wisdom and decide to date somebody who stands at polar opposites in any number of stances: religion, politics, sexual deviance, cereal brands, favorite Jordan’s, etc. Well, there will come a time – many a time actually – where you will argue incessantly about these things. People have a need to have their opinions validated. Or discredit those ideas for which they don’t agree. I mean why ELSE do you think those Klondike commercials are so popular. Wait. What? If that made any sense to you, you smoke too much weed.

Anyway, here’s the most plausible solution here: not talking about it is out of the picture, it possibly encapsulates too much of your own personhood to pretend it doesn’t exist. Nope. you need a “certain topic safe word” like “tassle” or something. When you feel yourself getting too wrapped up in a convo, you just yell our your safe word and you both have to immediately take a time out for love and revisit the topic later. Or, after saying the safe word, you must engage in some naught behavior or something, you nasty fish you. Point is, in the midst of contention you must still express love. None of that J. Edgar Hoover stuff like the time he broke he and Tolson’s agreement to dine every evening. All because he was in his feelings. Just terrible. Just damn terrible.

Problem: The Temperature Soul Wrangler

You ever meet that person who is always either cold or just damn hot? Like they’re never Los Angeles in January. Nope they’re either Arizona in August or Michigan between January and December at all times. Of course, you being the even keeled weather respecter that you are  would end up with somebody like that.

So how do we fix this issue that so that both of can live and be happy? F*ck blankets and fans. Naw kid, for the person who is always hot, give them free reign of the AC for a month. Then hand them the bill. I’m sure their body will fix itself. Real spit, I got one of THE most egregious power bills one month where I had a family member staying with me for like 3 weeks. Trust and believe…sh*t got real. For the person who is always cold? Just get them those hotfeets footysocks that seem like they’ll electrocute you. Hopefully it doesn’t but as long as their feet are warm they’ll be okay.

Those are some convenient solutions to common interpersonal problems. What other solutions do you have? What are some common problems that need solutions that require some nuance and cleverness to avoid bloodshed and yelleration?

Holla at a playa.

Smile, it’s almost September.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka lower.case.p aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Things Men Talk About When Women Aren’t Looking

“For real? I never would have thought that using my girlfriends razors and body wash mixed with her nail polish remover would get me a clean shave on my balls. Thanks man!”

If I had a dollar for every time a woman was surprised after I told her that guys actually talk about feelings and emotions amongst one another I’d probably have enough to buy Oprah – the lean years. It would seem that most women that all of men’s conversations involve strippers (a lot do), pr0n (a lot do), and sports (even our emotional convos involve sports analogies or references to sports figures going through what we’re going through). Oh, and hip-hop. They also ALL involve hip-hop especially since rappers are now on vh1 putting their relationships on blast. That might actually be the best assist ever to men. We can watch some of these shows in the name of hip-hop (and all that’s wrong with it) all the while truly satiating our inner gossip.

By the way, Scandal might be the most ratchet show on television and is Basketball Wives for the educated set. Yeah, I said it.

Anyway, the point is, men have a lot of deep and meaningful and ridiculous conversations that probably sound a lot like the conversations women have. Hey, people are people and men, we’re a people. You’d like some examples? I got examples. Let me consult my (dated political joke coming in 5…4….3….2….1) binder full of b*tches. Word to Mitt Romney.

1. Our hair (or lack there of).

So you know how there are Facebook pages and twitter hashtags dedicated to #teamnaturalhair and #longhairdontcare and all that joyous pride women have in their hair – though perms seem to catch all types of hell. Seriously, why does what that chick does with her hair affect your life? Women, so beautiful but so angry when it comes to hair. Anyway, guys? We do that too. Though usually its guys who are either going bald, are bald, or just shave their head because they like the bald look. See, noboby likes razor bumps and as bald men, you’re entire life is dedicated to finding that perfect shave to eliminate the possibility of such inconveniences. So guys trade tips on what types of razors we use and what type of products we use after the fact. Things like how often do you shave, do you go with or against the grain, what products don’t work, etc. Many a woman will tell you a smoothly shaved bald head is a thing of wonder…well, men we notice these things too and if we’re bald we want to achieve that thing of wonder. While I’m sure there are some support groups for men who shave their heads, I don’t know any guys who would actively seek them out and put their FB profile on it to yell it loud, “I’m bald and I’m proud.” These same practices also occur for chaps with locs.

2. Which rappers/athletes are sleeping with so and so, etc.

Obviously we all know that men gossip just as much (its not more) than women. However, our gossip…#itsjustdifferent. We talk about who ball players and rappers are dating. And if they do something stupid we acknowledge it as well, but largely we tend to be amazed at how certain rappers manage to to snag the baddest chicks at all times. Etc. We also like to talk about how some rappers and athletes seem to be total b*tches and how we’d never want to hang with them either. Etc. Ya know, guy stuff.

3. How f*cked up so and so is for doing such and such…

Despite what we display to the world via our thuglike exteriors, men are amazingly emo. I know, Captain Obvious checking in. However, guys also do tend to hold their boys accountable for a lot of dumb sh*t that we do. Just because we tend to eschew all advice and consult that would likely help us out in life doesn’t mean we’re not getting it. This could be a function of having good friends – which I do – but there hasn’t truly been a bad decision I’ve mad yet that hasn’t been questioned by my boys in a very methodical and sensical way. Same with relationships, guys will talk very candidly and openly about both the good and bad in their relationships amongst one another. I mean, we all need somebody to talk to. I might seem unbelievable since many women complain that men won’t open up about our feelings to them but we do tend to share them with our boys at times. I know, its counterproductive. I know. But hey, we’re human.

4. Self-improvement….

While I think that women are probably the largest consumers of self-help books and programs – notice I said largest, not only – guys will absolutely discuss ways that we can improve as people and what we need to be doing to be a stand up person for the community and for our families, etc. Again, we might not be perfect in our own personal dealings but we largely know what we need to be doing and we talk about that a lot. “I need to step up for my family. ” “I need to take more of an active role in helping out around the house”. Etc. These convos happen.

Now, these converse tend to feature a lot more colorful language than they probably do when being held by our ladyparts counterparts but they do indeed happen.

Fellas, what are other convos we have that women would be surprised we’re having? Ladies, have you ever been privy to a convo you were surprised your man or any man was having?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. COUNTRY NINJA aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Man’s Man List of Cost Efficient, Planned Dates

Aww, a Black family without guns. We're like the Obamas.

Make sure you check out the second installment of The Don’ts of Dating: How To Lose A Good Thing in 8 Days (Part 2 of 2) by VSB P and Rahiel over at Urban Cusp. It’s as good as Part 1. Shoot them things and holler, ge-ge-get ‘em girl.

Now you may read that title and think that I mean cheap. But the truth is the key to a woman’s heart isn’t in how much you spend; it’s in how much thought you put into it. See, b*tches love the smiley face. But what they love more than the smiley face is effort and thoughtfulness. Yes fellas, if you spend even five minutes thinking about what you’d like to do to show her that you care you are winning.

And for the record: dinner/movie/smang does not take five minutes to conjure.

Why am I writing this? Well for one, I’m motherf*cking benevolent. For b, it’s Christmas and after you blow all of your dough on Christmas presents, you’re going to need all of January through November to recoup. Ladies, take heed…our pockets are going to be short for the rest of the year. The. rest. of. the. year.

Well here’s a caveat for you fellas. Many of us are afraid of simping out for some woman that we may not even like. Except, you are already interested because you are taking her out. Give it up. Turn it loose. Take off your cool and realize that giving a sh*t about a woman is how we got here. Sure they drive us crazy, but evolution and your namesake can’t show up unless you put in some work.

With that being said, here’s a list of cost-efficient but thoughtful dates that women wouldn’t be mad at.

1. Let’s take, a long walk.

In the middle of the day. On her lunch break. Yep. Show up at her job, call her and tell her to meet you outside because you wanted to take a walk with her. Do you know why you stay winning here? The element of surprise. Women love surprises that show you’re thinking about them. And whats more intimate than taking a walk with somebody? You’re stuck for that however long time you’re traversing those sidewalks in the concrete jungle. Plus women looooooooooooove them some good company. Keep her laughing and smiling and a little innocent random shoulder brushes and she’ll f*ck around and fall in love before you hit 0.2 miles.

2. Picnics

And the crowd said, “duh”. Look, picnics are the great leverage equalizer. Sure you’re trying to get some stank out of her. But you ended up actually liking her. And do you know how I know you ended up liking her? Ain’t no ninja about to expend the energy it takes to put together a picnic on a woman he ain’t feeling. Word.Life. A picnic is not an easy thing to pull off. You have to make everything. Find a locale. Buy a checkered blanket (it ain’t a wifebeater unless its white and it ain’t a picnic unless the blanket is checkered), and you need a basket. You’re going to have to take your happy arse to a Michael’s or something to get a basket. Not a container ninja. Oh, and the point about trying to get you some stank? Well, after you do a picnic (which can be cheap though it takes effort), she’ll be trying to figure out when to give it to you. All you do is win, win, win no matter what.

Oh, and if you combo number 1 and number 2, SHE might propose to you. That’s thoughtful.

3. Go watch the sunset…befo.

There are very few things more romantic than just sitting out and staring at stars or a sunset together. It’s like looking at motherf*cking ducklings, pimpin. You ever take a chick to look at ducklings and not fall in love? You have to be a cold duck (no pun intended) to look at a duckling and not fall in love. Sunset? Ducks? Same sh*t.

4. Museum

I live in DC so this might be cheating but all of our good museums are free. Same with our zoo. Going to the museum intimates culture. And chicks like culture. Even hood rats think going to a museum means something. You get kudos for going to one of the off kilter ones too. Don’t just hit up American History. Hit up Natural History and check out the dinosaur bones. And fossils. Or go to an aquarium. Aquariums rock. Word to Pookie. Our Aquarium in DC is like 8 bucks. And it is an 8 dollar ass aquarium. But it’s underground and its a cool excursion. Because who thinks to go to the Aquarium. That sounds like you thought about it. Thinking? That’s effort, ninja. Or a botanical garden. Go learn something motherf*cker.

5. Things we think white people do

Like ice skating. You saw The Program. Word up.

6. Most importantly, things you heard her say she likes

This one is hard because it requires listening. I know, listening is for suckas. But the truth is, if you listen to a woman talk long enough she’ll give you all kinds of interests of hers and you can take one word like “travel” or “food” and find some cool travel exhibit. For free my ninja! Or take her on a “cook your own ethnic food” date. Actually, that last one might run you. Don’t do it. Buy her an ethnic cookbook and say, let’s cook together. Cooking together? Quality time. And women love quality time. Do you know why? It means you’re thinking about her. Which makes it thoughtful.

Score.

Those are a few ideas. My people, what else do you have? Ladies, help us out. Let us know your most thoughtful date or what would constitute a perfect date to you? And fellas, what else you got. Contribute to the database!!!!

Out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TRENDSETTER P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL YOU A 3

 

And You Say She’s Just A Friend.

If you do this, you are wrong. Stop it. And get some color.

Here’s a simple question for the single masses: if you happened to get into a committed relationship tomorrow, exactly how many people would you have to stop talking to outright because your relationships could be deemed inappropriate?

Take your time. Think on it.

*humming Curtis Mayfield’s “The Makings Of You”*

If I did an actual honest assessment of most of my opposite sex relationships, then there’s a good chance I’d need to drop kick a solid 98 percent of my female friends to the curb. Ya know, should I get into a relationship.

Here’s an even more interesting piece: I don’t even know how half of those relationships got to the inappropriate phase. Or if they’re even really inappropriate. Most of them would probably just bother anybody that I’d be dating. It’s no like all of my friendships are filled with sexting and slumber parties that involve naked twister. In fact, most of them are chock full of conversations that are relevant to life and dating. It’s just that every so often, they can veer into questionable and head right down into “make the preacher blush” territory.

And I think that 99 percent of functioning, datable men have this same problem. Hell, I’ll bet that even men in relationships have this conundrum. Because from what I’ve learned, most women aren’t really that concerned with making an off the cuff remark on occasion. And there aren’t many dudes who are going to check that kind of behavior because…well…why? It doesn’t happen frequently and he doesn’t plan on digging deeper into its origins or meanings so…live and let live.

Here’s another thing to wonder about: I’m almost sure that women would be on a seek and destroy mission when it came to those relationships they didn’t feel were appropriate now that their man has a woman. But I can’t honestly ever remember caring really that my girls had single male friends. Maybe its the assumption that all men are dogs and need to have the temptation removed for them. Kind of like the idea that women don’t trust other women when its the man’s actions that would be the problem. Twiddle dee dum.

And maybe its the idea that men are so self-centered that we’d never really suspect our women of stepping out on us anyway, so it doesn’t matter. I’m not much of a jealous guy anyway so maybe I’m projecting here. Cinema.

I’ve lost my point.

So if men have these inappropriate relationships with beaucoup women, do these same women deem their own relationships inappropriate or do they feel that because they can manage them it doesn’t matter. Can they really manage them? Or does it not matter because women get tunnel vision once they’re in relationships and through attrition get rid of all of their friends anyway leaving only their man to be their homey/lover/friend because R. Kelly created the term on a lonely night when all the kids were at Christmas pageants?

Hell, what do women deem inappropriate within the confines of a “friendship” anyway? I know what constitutes inappropriate but I don’t mind it at all. And if a tree falls in the forest and a badly written essay about what a white man would do if he were a Black child is the only thing around to hear it, does the essay even matter? Lauryn teaches me that nothing even matters, at all.

I asked a lot of questions. Mostly because I’m curious after looking at my own life and having a conversation or two with male and female friends of mine. And it hurt a little that I’d have to get kicked to the curb. But it makes sense. You make one too many “what you can do with that boob” jokes and next thing you know the new beau ain’t really feeling you dun son.

So I ask you, VSBers, how many relationships do you have that would have to end if you got into a relationship? And if you are in a relationship, do you have any that could be deemed questionable if your boo thang found out? If so, why maintain them?

Holler at me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka YUNG P DA FLY THIEF aka GIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

For the DC massive: If you’re looking for a good deed to do this Christmas season, consider heading out to support Karaoke for a Cause on Thursday, 12/15 from 6-10pm at Liv Nightclub (11th and U, NW). You can bring a toy or a $20 donation for Southeast White House as one of VSB’s own commenters, Crystal Marie of awordorthree.com is helping put on the event. This is not a VSB event, but it is something that all VSB/VSS can get behind because its intended to help the less fortunate out. And if you can’t make it but would like to donate, click here.