You are the father. But you aren't a relationship role model. Stop it.

Don’t kick your girl down a flight of stairs. Check.

Don’t stab him or cut off his Junior F. Baby. Check.

Do not under any circumstances drop kick his mother and then suplex her while doing a trapeze act. Check.

Do not compare her to Michelle Obama and say, “she supports her man, I’ll bet Obama gets to backdoor that Amazon!”. Check.

Say you made a mistake of not picking a certain girl when you’re “girlfriend” is on the way to talk to you. Check.

Cheat. Check.

When it comes to relationships, most of us know the big things not to do. Anything that causes bodily harm, mental anguish and/or agony, or you to end up an episode of Oprah, Maury, or that show I saw yesterday hosted by William Shatner is probably something that you really don’t want to do in a relationship. And you know this already. Congratulations, scholar. Gold star for Marcus.

However, there’s a whole other layer of subtle but ever-present daily cockups that occur from sea to shining sea. So I figure that with all of my intuition and knowhow (and knownothow) why not share share share. That way, you keep a man, and you keep a man, and you keep a woman, and you keep a woman. Yay. Plus, remember that crime fighting initiative that The Champ and I have been on? We just got our numbers back during Comstat and skillet scalpings are down a solid 23 percent in the past 3 months and I’d like to think that we have something to do with that. Please. And thank you.

Aw shuga no no no.

1) Say No to simple things in public

While I understand the need to say no when he “accidentally” tries to plug the wrong hole or she asks you to wear lipstick and you’re not in Clown College or from LA, if your girl asks you for a bottle of water at a BBQ and you’re closer to the cooler, you really shouldn’t say “no” and tell her to get it herself if she really wants some water. That just makes her look bad…in public and it’s a simple request that if fulfilled won’t result in a conversation later on. Really that’s what relationships are all about, doing what it takes to avoid the unnecessary conversations that you don’t want to have in the first place. And if anything, you don’t want your significant other to look like an idiot to everybody. Just say no to saying “no”.

Speaking of in public…

2) Call them out

Everybody needs to be called on their BS at some point. Just this morning, I called my cat out on her non-sensical ass insistence on meowing loud as hell until one of us beckons her. It really is that bullsh*t. However, I ‘d never do that around company. It’s just rude and its inside business, ya dig? Same with gf/bf. So what their being foreclosed on AND filing for bankruptcy. That’s your inside knowledge. Do you really need to bring that up when he wagers $20 on a football game and you feel he needs to fall back from that bet because of that little Chapter 11-style funny sh*t he’s going through? To his mother? Methinks no.

3) Openly question their decision-making ability

Look, I know that there’s no good reason to put chili pepper in cheesecake, but if your man is making the cake and somehow determines that chili pepper is going to give it that extra kick, well dammit, you ride out with that decision unless it might kill somebody. Later on, you are more than able to call him out on that BS (see #2) and make sure not to let his ass within 100 feet of an open range, but if he’s cooking for a group, you better drop that sh*t and roll wit’ it.

4) Pass the buck

In a relationship, whether you like it or not,  you become a “we”. If you two throw a party and you don’t like her coaster party, you can’t be like, “well, personally, I don’t give a sh*t if you leave a ring on this fine oak piece of Amish furniture from Lancaster County, PA,  but you know she be trippin’ so use a coaster, doggy snacks.” That’s just f*cked up. Take some ownership and remember #3.

Now, these four things will help you stay happy but good people of VSB, are there others? I’m sure there are. Do share.

Do.

Panamajackson? Tell him.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3