Last week, Essence.com published “10 Underrated Men & Why You Should Date Them” — a piece where the homie Paul Carrick Brunson basically explained that single women shouldn’t immediately dismiss their prospective knights just because the shine on his armor might be a little dull.
Included among the types of men who shouldn’t be overlooked were “Introverted Guys,” “No Flava Guys,” and, what will forever be a point of contention between (the majority of) men and women, “Under 5’5″ Guys”
Height is the number one request I hear from my female clients, with the average request coming in at 6 feet. But, those same clients are surprised to know that only 14 percent of men in the U.S. meet or exceed that clearance level. Height is sought for the feeling of masculinity it embodies. However, masculinity is the combination of physical prowess (height is only a portion of this component), courage, and honor – he may be vertically challenged, but if he makes up for it in other areas, this guy is a keeper!
Yet, while Paul’s attempt to spread love to men who many women have deemed unlovable is laudable, I think the opposite — listing men who women should avoid dating/speaking to/making eye contact with/riding into submission/fantasizing about/playing the pull-out game with — is even more necessary.
1. The Cheater
While the “once a cheater, always a cheater” cliche is completely false — Why? Well, people change and sh*t. Just look at Tyrese (Wait, nevermind. Bad example) — the perceived “truth” of this saying comes from the mouths and minds of the hundreds of thousands of decision-making deficient dumb broads who stayed with men who already cheated on them!
Yes, cheaters can change, but if you caught him mid-stroke while he was banging his favorite barista on your bedroom dresser (While she’s still wearing her Starbucks uniform, no less!), you need to give his ass the opportunity to change with someone else.
2. The Corporate Thug
You’re probably surprised that I’d list the “corporate thug” — the hard-driving, debonair, dexterous, and deep-d*cking Don Quixote to every 18 to 95 year old black women’s Dulcinea — on a list of men that women should avoid dating, but I have good reason for this.
You see, like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, The Lochness Monster, and the chaste Delta, the Corporate Thug doesn’t actually exist, and I hate to see my sistas get their panties all drenched because of a very convincing apparition, even if said apparition happens to be the ghost of Stringer Bell.
Wet panties with no payoff = angry laundry, and angry laundry keeps chicks from fighting crime.
3. The “Just Got Hot” Guy
While you probably don’t have much to worry about if you knew the guy before he won the life lottery, meeting and dating the real life Mike Jones is a no-win proposition…unless, of course, you consider getting “close-bused” until he finds a suitable upgrade to be “winning.”
4. The Bisexual
I really don’t have a reason for listing him here, but each person who crafts a list about the type of men black women need to avoid dating is contractually obligated to list “The Bisexual Man” at least once, and I thought it was about time to fill my quota.
5. The “I’m Not Into Any Sports Whatsoever” Guy
Why? Well, it’s just a bit odd to meet an American man who has completely eschewed probably the most prominent socialization process for any male. It’s also more than likely that he’s transcendentally weird too, as these are the types of guys who drink ketchup packets and take showers with their socks on.
6. Mr. “It’s Still Men Over Bitches even though I’m like 37.” (Mr. “ISMOBETILTS” for short)
While it’s cool and cute for a 25 year old guy to have a go-to crew of co-signers, club-buddies, and college broheims who he consults with before making any major decisions, if you’re dating a guy who’s on the other side of 30 and still knee-deep in bromantic bliss, you and any relationship you try to pursue will be about as meaningless and useless as tits on a bull.
7. The “Still cool with every single one of his exes” Guy
Although it’s (somewhat) cool to still be in contact with an ex or two, the guy who’s still chummy with each of his former partners in coitus is probably more concerned with collecting and creating a complementary harem of women he’s f*cked before — even if he has no plans to sleep with them again — than he’ll ever be with actually committing to one.
8. The “I’m really not like the rest of the guys” Guy
Why? Two reasons:
A) They’re duplicitous traitors willing to sell out and disparage their entire gender just for the chance to possibly sniff some janky broads panties. It’s almost as if they’re preemptively p*ssy-whipped themselves.
B) They’re liars. We ALL leave the toilet seat up, we’ll ALL forget at least one of your birthdays, we ALL drink juice straight from the carton, and we’ll ALL attempt to “accidentally” put it in your butt.
9. The Super Low Sex Drive Guy
Let’s just say that there are few things on the planet worse than a woman who’s going through withdrawal because her “in-touch-with-his-spiritual-side”-ass boyfriend refuses to break her back. And, by “there are few things” I mean “there is nothing.”
10. The Old Guy
Because, despite their wisdom, calming natures, attractive bank accounts, and unlimited Viagra, old men have worms.
Anyway, people of VSB, I’m sure I’m forgetting a few: Can you think of any other “guys” who should make the list? Also, is there anyone on the list who doesn’t deserve to be there? The carpet is yours.
—The Champ
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