Tag Archives: cnn

Link of The Week: Next.

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You know how normal people go out on a gazillion first and second dates and stuff to get to know people?  Well, that was never really me.  I was never dating a gazillion people.  I usually find one I like and stick to ‘em.

But I have been on my fair share of dates.  Hell, now that I think about it, I’ve been on dates where I didn’t even REALIZE I was on a date.  I remember this one particular philly.  She was a friend of a friend who was moving to DC so I offered to show her around.  Apparently you can’t offer to show people around a city without being interested.

Anywho, we go to get something to eat one day and out of nowhere she hits me with: “so where is this going?”

Me:  Um, well that bus right there goes right down by the monuments.

Her:  No, us.  What are we doing?

Me:  Us?  We’re eating dinner.  For the first time ever.  So what could you possibly be asking me?

Her:  I’m saying, are we dating or what?

Me:  I just met you.  2 hours ago.

Let’s just say her arse got nexted real quick.  Being the nice fella that I am though, I took her home that night instead of making her catch the bus like I wanted to do.  Fact is, my situation isn’t special.  There are lot of people out there who end up going out on dates with people that end up being as interesting as a Beyonce interview.  And for those that haven’t seen a Beyonce interview, that isn’t a good thing.  In fact, its quite drole and boring.

I do love her though.

So let’s say you are on a first date and realize you don’t want a second one.

Well, CNN.com has …

STOP.

I’m watching MTVJams right now and Plies video for “I Am Da Club” or something is on.  This is a terrible, terrible song.  And video.  Plies needs Jesus. This video is the a*s of videos.  I do not like John Legend either.

Anyway, CNN has come up with their own list for how not to get a second date.  It’s pretty good.  Hell, some of them remind me of things I wish I could do.  To wit:

• Inappropriate disclosure of the personal kind. You know how you’ve always really admired the curve of your brother’s bum in his too-tight pair of Wranglers? Share that little tidbit and see what happens.

• Inappropriate disclosure of the medical kind. You’ve been wondering whether that festering bump on your bikini line is a herpes sore or just an ingrown hair. Make tonight the night you get a second opinion.

• Perplexing Puppetry. All you need is a pen to draw the eyes and mouth and you’ve got yourself a Señor Wences-style hand puppet. Once your date starts getting on your nerves (and on any first date, the chances are 70/30 in favor of that happening), insist that he address his comments to the hand. Bonus points if you can up the annoyance ante with a fake foreign accent. He will think you’re a nutter, and not in a good way.

Pretty good, especially the puppetry thing.  The worst thing about that one is that your date is essentially cornered.  It ain’t like they can really go anywhere.

I have my own short list of ways to guarantee one date only:

Make everythign rhyme – I’d want to shoot you for doing this.  In fact, I think I’d be pissed.  Dammit, that wasn’t supposed to rhyme.  I just can’t stop myself, it should be a crime.  F*CK.

Sneeze a lot - Follow me with this one.  One of my boys broke up with a chick because she blew her nose too much.  Just imagine being on a date with somebody who sneezed every 2 seconds.  I’d never call them again.  I’d think they were allergic to me.

Jab them in the neck – Pretty much guarantees that they’ll never ever want to see you again.

That’s just my short list.  What say you ?  Any of you all gotten out of dealing with somebody for a second date by doing something outlandish?  What are some other ways to secure a one-date-only diet?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

VSB.com Special Report: The Return of the Black Man’s Hat…Again

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*Administrative Note: If you’ll look to the right you’ll see that VSB.com has been nominated for three Black Web Awards! Best Blog, Best Relationship Advice Site, and Best Site for Brothas. Hooray. Go click and vote. If Obama can do it, so can we. Yes we can! Yes we can! Thank you all for helping us get to this point. I’m not really big on awards and all that to be honest, but it’s cool that anybody thought enough of us to nominate us…so thanks for helping to make VSB.com a hot spot on-line. And thank CP3 for just being hot.*

Last week, CNN aired a special entitled “Black In America”, a two-day documentary about the state of Black people in our adopted homeland of America.

And despite my lack of actual expectations in regards to what CNN would actually be able to accomplish, I still found myself to be disappointed. Essentially, CNN aired:

Black People For Dummies.

Dummies = white people.

(And um, not that I think white people are dummies. Naïve? Yes. Dummies? No.)

I found this documentary interesting for a few reasons, and none of them positive. For one, if you actually gained insightful information from this documentary…

…you need to read more. Point blank. Period.

Similarly, I don’t actually understand their point or whom they were actually trying to reach with it. For instance, any white person that actually watched it probably already knew the stuff they were talking about or at least had a clue. Hell, any white person that actually watched it was probably interested enough to care about Black people…so they’re probably empathetic-ish to the Black cause and therefore know that stuff.

With that stuff = being Black can blow ass at times.

For second, most white people probably didn’t watch it anyway. It was on CNN, and what with all the commercials I keep seeing about having to go digital in 2009, much of middle America probably didn’t catch CNN with their bunny-ear antennas. Or better yet…

…most white people probably just didn’t care. I could be wrong on that one.

In fact, I’d actually be happy to be wrong about that but really, I barely watched it and I did only because I didn’t want to be the one Black person who DIDN’T watch it. Basically, I just didn’t want to NOT be apart of the conversation.

And I’m Black.

For third, most Black people don’t have cable so they weren’t exactly watching it though. I do assume that similar to Tyler Perry movies, a lot of churches and stuff had “Black In America” viewing parties…and they did have T.D. Jakes up in there.

Anyway.

Ultimately, I just don’t understand what their point was – if there even was one. It wasn’t enlightening…if anything, they lightly touched on the successes of Black middle America. Even the successful people that were profiled (Asst. Superintendent in Arkansas, Michael Eric Dyson, etc.) weren’t immune from the regular f*cktasticness of the rest of the Black community.

Was it supposed to inspire? Or to shine a light on the failures of Black America? Was I supposed to feel pride in being Black? Probably not because it wasn’t really positive. But after watching it I didn’t even feel anything. Was it depressing? Not really. It wasn’t anything I didn’t already know. But then again, why just put more stuff out there that adds nothing to the conversation.

You can’t actually do justice to the question about being “Black in America” if nobody actually ASKS anybody…

… “what does it mean to you to be Black in America?”

When you just lightly touch on varying issues, desperations, and almost-successes of the Black community what are you actually trying to accomplish?

Maybe I read too much or maybe I expect too much where I shouldn’t expect anything. But for some reason, I expect people (CNN) who decide to undertake something so complex to approach the situation with a little more respect than to merely touch the surface with no real attempt at any depth. Granted, discussing what it means to be “Black in America” would require about 27 years and two weeks to give due diligence to the subject but still…

Perhaps you got the point and I’m just slow. But good people of VSB.com, did you watch Black in America, and if so, what did you get out of it?

By the way, I’ll be talking about this all week…today, I pulled a CNN…I just lightly touched on the topic. Tomorrow, I’m pulling a Panama Muhf*ckin’. I’m digging deep.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST

Vindication: The 4-Minute (S)Mile

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If you’re a cat who’s girl has gotten on him about coming up short in the sack, fret no more. In fact, if you can give her at least 3 minutes of that good lovin’ then you’re giving her all she needs. According to CNN, the optimal amount of time for a sexual encounter-not including foreplay-lasts anywhere from 3 to 13 minutes.

Go on ahead and read the article. Quick now, I’ll wait.

*humming Keith Sweat’s “Make It Last Forever”*

Yes, you read that correctly.

Me love you long time like hell!

You know what that means right? If you’ve been doing-the-Draino for 15 minutes, well pimpin’, you’re definitely going out of your way. Hell, she should be making you steak sandwiches.

Speaking of steak, from here on out, every time I hit 14 minutes I’m going to start humming “Chariots of Fire” and then delve right into Kanye West’s “Champion”.

This also means that there are a lot of liars out their in the world. “Girl, I need a man who can go 8 hours…minimum!”

Virgin.

“I don’t even be gettin’ mines unless I stroke for like 2 hours…STRAIGHT.”

Yeah…okay, dude.

Which begs the question, if the optimal amount of time is so short, why in the hell do women have the audacity to be disappointed because dude only gave her 10 minutes of the long stroke? Technically, you should feel blessed that he decided to give you 7 more minutes than was required. In fact fellas, take further solace in the fact that you can pretty much put a smile on her face in 4 minutes and not really miss any of the game that just went into halftime. Shucks if you’re feeling froggy, you can give her the Colgate smile, take a shower, cook a meal, and STILL not really miss any action.

Now ladies I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way in hell you can get yours in 3-13 minutes. And to you I say…you’re a lie. Granted, 3 minutes would suck as a sexual encounter, however, I’ve known I’ve heard of women who’ve been able to get theirs well within that 13 minute period, sometimes more than once…leaving ME men, still trying to get my their jollies.

Bottom line here, dudes, don’t even worry about trying to show her that you can go all night. As long as you can do better than optimal (say 14 minutes of that good long strokin’), then she should shut the smurf up, have a Coke, then smile.

“don’t get mad ladies…I’m only being real…”

And for you anti-geniuses, optimal means most favorable.

The end.

-PANAMA