Every woman complains about the same things when it comes to finding some of that good lovin’: at some point in time, all the wrong men were trying to holler. Not only were they trying to holler, they would holler when she would go out of the house in a paisley-print muumuu, some tights, and a headwrap that was NOT the father from the motherland.
Basically, “that” dude is out there lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce on you and hold you hostage to his crip-wallking teeth and incendiary conversation about his self-improvement program, Everest College, and why women don’t know a good thing when they see it. Plus, his scurl has NEVER been on fire.
To take it a step further, let’s just paint a picture of the guy women don’t want to holler at them the most, a composite if you will.
Ready?
Set. Go.
Gold teeth. Lime green 3-piece suit with 8 buttons (kind of like a Steve Harvey special), one too many pieces of jewelry, some Stacey Adams wing-tips, a temple-fade haircut with the Philly-dye to fill in his edges, drinking some sort of dark-liquor concoction that MUST include Hennessey. Oh yes, and he is particular to women he can affectionately call “redbone”. He also likes to call you “shawty” or “lil mama”. And he JUST might be 51 and have a child your age.
Possibly.
Most women go wrong by trying to reason with the dude or being nice hoping he’ll go away. These cats don’t go away. They’re like roaches. “No” is not a word that means go away. It means try harder. But unlike the Geto Boys, they CAN be stopped – without a shot to the eye. No Reality Kings.
It’s 2010 and VSB is still in the crimefighting business. If you keep getting hollered at by Svelt Leon you might stop going out and nobody will ever get the chance to talk to you. You’ll end up like the women we assumed Helena Andrews was talking about.
So here are some ways to stop Romeo in his tracks:
1. Tell him you have an STD before he even gets going. Sure you’re deading your chances of talking to ANYBODY in the club you’re at, but be real, you and the guy you DON’T want to talk to are at the same spot. Chances are you probably should stop going there anyway. “Those” dudes travel in packs and they DON’T go to places where it seems like all the women read good. Kids don’t scare away men, but STDs? Fear of God (unless he already has one and thinks a second one might cancel it out – like I said, you shouldn’t be there.)
2. Tell him that your daddy is a cop (and you actually know him). For some reason, Black people really don’t trust police. I have no earthly idea why. But NOBODY wants to date a cop’s daughter. It just seems like a bad idea. Plus, if you know your daddy AND he’s a cop, he’s probably overprotective and watching you like Rockwell. Just seems like a better idea to talk to the chick in the 2-sizes too small pink leopard onesie.
3. Start talking about politics and local elections. This might backfire 1/100 times, but most hood ignant dudes don’t know nothing about no ‘lections. Mostly because they either can’t or don’t vote. To complete the murder, just ask him about his favorite book that wasn’t written by Donald Goines. He’ll go talk to a chick who thinks Zane is fine literature.
4. Ask him if he’s holding any crack on him. Not coca-ina. Crack. Nobody wants to intentionally date a crackhead, no matter how fine she is. That should be a surprise.
5. Say, “I bet you have small wang. (To friends, loudly) Hey, doesn’t he look like he has a small wang?” He’ll either pull it out to prove you wrong and thus embarass himself and possibly go to jail (win/win) or get mad and call you a “b*tch” and roll out because you are crazy, loud, and ignant. Just remember, he may try to kill you later on that night so I’d be careful with that one.
So good people of VSB, what are some other ways to get the wrong guys to not holler?
Floor? All yours.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3
Club banger. noun. from the Latin for clubbus bangerustosticus. 1) a song that will cause every one within earshot to go into momentary paralysis as they realize (and often times proclaim) “that’s my song (or sh*t)” and begin to gyrate in gyratious gyratastics. 2) songs that DJ keeps in arsenal for when the people aren’t seeming so into the mix he’s playing. 3) songs that inevitably require everybody to smile and like each other for at least 1 minute as people search out individuals to dance with.