Six Things I’ve Learned About Women In The Last Six Years

***Limiting it to the last six years, because well, a lot has happened in the last six years. Plus, nothing that happens in the first 25 years of your life matters, anyway***

1. When they say “You know, I can enjoy sex without having an orgasm”—it’s actually (well, usually actually) the f*cking truth!

I imagine that I’m not the only man who’s had trouble understanding this concept. For (most of) us, sex without an orgasm is like going to your favorite BBQ place, ordering a slab of ribs, smelling them, biting them, chewing, and then spitting it back onto the plate. But, apparently, women don’t work that way, and can be perfectly content with occasionally chewing and spitting (and sleeping) instead of swallowing.

(There is one caveat, though. “Occasionally” wasn’t put there by accident. Extending my quintuple entendre even further, they have to, um, “swallow” pretty consistently too to be okay with the occasional chewing and spitting.)

2. They’re all hoarders. Every single one of them.

Lemme put it this way. If one of your homeboys asks you to help him move, you know that if you all get started at 8am, you’ll be done in time to make your weekly 1pm pick-up game.

If a woman asks you to help her move, though, 8am-1pm will just be the time spent cleaning out her f*cking bathroom.

You will also find yourself having conversations like this:

“I didn’t know you liked to sew.”

“I don’t”

“Oh. Well, why to you have this full sewing set?”

“Oh, I forgot all about that. My aunt bought that for me on my 22nd birthday. I tried using it, but it makes my fingers swell up.”

“Oh, ok. This is going in the trash then, right?”

“Heavens no! I’m not throwing that away”

3. They’re just as scared of commitment as men stereotypically are, but they just do a better job of hiding it.

It makes perfect sense, actually. Women who want to be wives and mothers and shit have like an 18 minute window to determine if some guy who doesn’t even wash when he takes showers (“I just like to let the heat and water cleanse me“) won’t knock her up, bounce, and basically waste the rest of her reproductive years raising the product of his jackal jizz by herself.

And, while men who’ve made “bad” commitments can start entirely new families a decade or three later, women, well…women can star on Starter Wives.

4. If she likes you—like, really likes you—she’s going to start to do things that will annoy the f*ck out of you. But, 96 times out of 100, those “things that will annoy the f*ck out of you” are just “things that she’s doing to alter your lifestyle in order to help extend your time on Earth…so she’ll have 60 years to continue to annoy you instead of 40″

***Wondering where to forward all the hate mail I’m going to receive from men already pissed that their girl threw all the salt in the house away and wakes them up at 7am every morning to do yoga and even more pissed now that their girl will read today’s entry, and say “See. Champ knows that the 5am kayaking and beet and alfalfa shakes are good for your heart“***

5. She really, really, really is paying attention to the way we dance.

And the way we interact with other women. And the way we walk. And the way we walk if we’re walking into a crowded room, and whether that moment changes anything about us. And the way we drive. And the way we look at them. And the way we look when we see them for the first time in a while. And the way we use utensils.

6. You know why they get so frustrated with a grown man who doesn’t seem to know what the f*ck he wants out of life? Because, well…they don’t know what the f*ck they want, either.

As always, everyone is wrong about everything, all of the time.

But, if she likes you and you’re at least making a sincere (and adult) effort to figure it out—whatever “it” happens to be—she’ll believe in you.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me, but I’m curious. What are some things you’ve learned about the opposite sex in the last few years? We’re all fam and shit. Don’t be scared to share.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Why Monogamy?

There are few things I’m more proud of than the eclectic collection of books I’ve accumulated in the bin next to my toilet. A Bible, Save The Cat, Bitch Is the New Black, a pamphlet for a near-by methadone clinic, Afrodisiac, a sheet with the lyrics from “Talk Show Host“; seriously, my bin of E-Coli ridden reading materials kicks your bullshit living room bookcase in the nuts.

Included in this library is Chuck Klosterman’s A Decade of Curious People and Dangerous Ideas — a collection of essays and interviews that’s both my least favorite Klosterman book and the one I’ve read the most times — and included in this book is “Monogamy,” an essay where he theorizes that “…cheating begins the moment anyone decides that it’s unreasonable to be sexually committed to one person.”

Basically, even if a person hasn’t technically cheated yet, if they truly believe that monogamy is unreasonable, they’re already unfaithful because they’re either just waiting for an opportunity to confirm this belief or they’re just scared of getting caught.

Now, I don’t know if I quite agree with Klosterman’s view on cheating. Calling someone who hasn’t quite cheated yet a cheater rings of the pre-crime unit from “Minority Report,” and I’m not trying to f*ck Katie Holmes. But, although I’ve written about my feelings towards cheating and monogamy numerous times (Short version: I’ve never cheated and I have a tendency to get holier-than-thou when speaking to people who have), I have to say that reading his essay against this weekend raised a few questions. Most notably: Why do I feel the way I do about monogamy?

Yes, I’ve been faithful to every girlfriend I’ve had (and I strongly presume that this fidelity has been reciprocated), but am I monogamous because it’s the right and moral thing to do, or because I’ve been taught that it’s the right and moral thing to do and I blindly trust my teachers?

I guess this question is applicable for everyone. Or, at least, everyone who believes that monogamous relationships are the right choice. Sure, we argue that monogamy and being committed to one person is right — sounds right, looks right, and, most importantly, feels right — but how much of that is confirmation bias — us looking for evidence, any evidence, to confirm a belief we wish to be true?

And yes, it’s true that our wish for something we want to be true to be true, our need to know that we’ve always been doing the right thing, has a way of superseding rational thought. Being right becomes more important than the truth.

I don’t know where exactly I’m going with this. I mean, I don’t have any personal qualms with the idea and/or practice of monogamy. And, as far as “proof” goes, the people I know who are in (presumably) monogamous relationships seem to be on average a tad happier and more successful than those who aren’t. I guess I’m just wondering if we (the pro-monogamy people) are irrationally holding on to a concept that we all already recognize as being imperfect…and just might be wrong. Do I feel this way because it feels right for me to feel this way, or do I just desperately want it to be right?

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m curious: If you believe in monogamy, well, why do you believe in monogamy?

What role have your “teachers” (your parents, the Bible, etc) played in constructing this belief….and what would you do if you somehow found out that they were full of shit and monogamy was, in fact, completely irrational?

(Also, to be clear, monogamy and fidelity aren’t the same thing. Cheating is always wrong. Monogamy, on the other hand, might not always be right. Big difference.)

—The Champ

The Decision

"I've decided to take my talents to Kenya Moore's sheets"

(On the anniversary of Lebron James’ now infamous decision to join the Miami Heat, I’ve decided to play a little decision game today here at VSB. Have fun. Oh, and for the sake of the game, pretend that you’re single)

***Also, I have to let it be known that each of the scenarios you’re about to read are the brainchild of Chuck Klosterman. I actually forget exactly which of his books this was first published in, though***

Scenario One:

Think of your number one celebrity crush/fantasy, the one person that you always think of first when playing the “Sorry I cheated on you, babe. But, it was Stacey Dash! What was I supposed do to?” game in your head. Now, imagine that you actually got that opportunity. For a period of time — six weeks, six months, whatever — the stars aligned in a way that they actually became your f*ck buddy.

Thing is, this opportunity came with one caveat: You couldn’t tell anyone. No one on Earth — not your closest friends, your family, your anonymous internet buddies, no one — would ever know that you were boning Beyonce or getting eaten out by Idris Elba on the reg. Everything between you two had to be a secret forever.

Scenario Two:

Think of your number one celebrity crush/fantasy, the one person that you always think of first when playing the “Sorry I cheated on you, babe. But, it was Stacey Dash! What was I supposed do to?” game in your head. Now imagine that, for whatever reason, everybody assumes that you all slept together. Despite the fact that you’ve never even been in the same zip code, you’re forever known as the guy who broke Halle Berry’s back or the woman who made Barack consider leaving Michelle

***Oh, and just to be clear, if you’re a woman who was suspected to have had a dalliance with a desirable male celebrity, it would be clear to everyone that you definitely were not some random groupie. Instead, you’re the woman who made George Clooney all gaga, and you’re the one who everything thinks cut things off with him***

If asked two choose between the scenarios, the seemingly obvious choice would be Scenario One. I mean, we’re not in 6th grade, right? The physical aspect of sleeping with a famous person you’ve always desired should trump the mental and emotional letdown of not being able to brag about it. What difference does it make if the world knows? You, God, and Erykah Badu are the only ones who matter.

But, at the same time, you can argue that sleeping with someone famous is the same as beating someones ass: It loses it’s luster if no one knew it actually happened. I mean, so what if you knocked Mike Tyson out if you can’t get that sh*t on YouTube.

More importantly, the perks and the added social status that would come from people thinking that you’re enough of a stud/diva to bag a person desired by many would, in the long-term, trump any of the fleeting physical pleasures of actually doing it. Maybe you didn’t actually bag Beyonce, but the “He’s the guy who sweated out the Thundergoat’s wigs” whispers would probably make you at least 60% more attractive than you already are.

With that being said, I’d choose Scenario Two.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, What would you do, and why?¹ (And, well, who would be your scenario’s, um, protagionist?)

¹Just a hunch, but I’m guessing that the majority of the women will choose #1 and most of the guys will choose #2. I also predict that at least 25% of the women responding will opt out of playing because, well, they just won’t “get” the concept of hypothetical scenarios. I hope these women all have great weekends.

—The Champ

Don’t forget your VSB duty to help keep Panama off the block and The Champ on the wagon and buy “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”

cheat? shiiieeeeet

although the champ staunchly believes that theres absolutely nothing you can do to keep someone from cheating (to quote chuck klosterman, “cheaters cheat because they think being monogamous is unreasonable. there’s no other reason.“), there are a few ways that you can definitely push em closer to the edge. you can’t actually drive someone to cheat, but you can definitely buy the car, carry them to the passenger seat, and put the keys in the ignition.

here are four sure-fire ways to insure that your mate will be sliding on the super slippery cheating slope (***editors note: the champ is obviously a big fan of alliteration***)

1. stop f**king

there’s no lonelier place in the world than a bed where your mate has decided, for whatever reason, to stop having sex with you, and no better, more efficient way to put the cheating key in the ignition. honestly, its actually easier sleeping next to a mate you’ve never slept with, than one who all of a sudden decided to rock their rusty-ass chastity belt to bed. unless you have some type of serious physical impairment, the reasoning behind this never matters. its always stupid, you’re always stupid for doing this, and it’s just plain f*cking stupid. stupid.

i’m on punany punishment cause you’re mad at me? f**k you! f**k me.

you’ve all of a sudden started believing that i’m only with you for the sex? f**k you! f**k me.

you’ve decided out of the blue to become born again and celibate? f**k you! f**k me.

of course, i understand that grown-ass people occasionally have libido-deading responsibilities that realisticially dont allow for spider monkey mummy matrix sex every day of the week. sh*t, i never thought i’d say this, but sometimes during my 17 hour meetings at work, instead of daydreaming about some combination of a naked stacey dash, a car seat, a universal remote, and 12 empty packets of orange kool-aid, i’m sitting there literally fantasizing about the nasty things i plan to run home and do to my…pillow. sleep sometimes trumps sex, and thats okay.

still, after a while, the pillowbating needs to discontinue, or your mate is either going to not cheat…but want to, not cheat…but only because they’re not able to, or cheat.

2. romance, schmoemance

you didn’t realize it, but you started having sex with her at 8:45 in the morning while she was on the bus headed to work. no, you didn’t actually physically have a morning quickie in the passenger aisle of the EBA, but that little “mornin, cutie-pie. sexy ass…damn. nevermind.” text you sent her made her smile and produced the first tiny drop of anticipation moisture down there that will continue to accumulate throughout the day.

the 1:17 text saying “i have a surprise for you later on“? more drops

being early for the date, and softly kissing her when you see her, pulling her close enough so that she can tell you’re wearing her favorite cologne, but not so close that she can feel your lil general “standing at attention”? leaky faucet

opening your car door for her. gently guiding her in with your hand slightly beneath the small of her back? brazilian rain forest

at this point, she’s not even thinking about anything else other than “please, please, please God dont let him do anything dumb tonight to f**k this up” and your work is done.

going from a consistent serving of that…

…to this

you: “come over and let me hit. and on the way stop and get me some fries…and condoms. peace, homie

her: “it’s 9:47 and i haven’t heard from you all day”

you: “damn..yeah, you’re right. you better hurry then. wendy’s drive-thru is gonna be closed soon”

…will soon get you a one-way ticket on the “i wonder why my girlfriend just rubbed the mailman’s ass and smiled” express

3. be like ike

isaac “ike” austin was a somewhat decent power forward/center for the miami heat and the la clippers. originally passed over and cut by many teams, he went to europe for a year to refine his skills, and eventually returned to the NBA a much better player. he made such improvement that he actually won the NBA’s most improved player award in 1997. this improvement eventually led to him being offered a very lucrative multi-year contract with the orlando magic.

so, did ike continue to improve after he finally got his big payday???

nah.

he got fat, his game got worse, and he was out of the league within three years.

if you want to insure that your mate will thirst for cheating on you, be like ike. do everything you can to break the implied relationship contract you agreed to when you first got together. gain 50 pounds. stop bathing. start wearing your late uncle’s clothes. end all oral. get giant tear drop tats on your adams apple. do everything you can to make them believe that they were a fool for committing to you. be like ike

4. cheat, or act like you’re cheating

you’d think this was common-sense, but you’d be amazed at how many cheaters and cats exhibiting cheateresque qualities i know who were flabbergasted at the fact that their mate actually had the gall to return the favor. for clarity’s sake “cheateresque qualities” refer to qualities exhibited by someone who actually isn’t cheating, but consistently does things that would make any reasonable person assume that they are. these qualities include (but aren’t limited to)…

receiving mysterious texts and phone calls at odd hours

referring to members of the opposite sex by ambigiously sexual nicknames. (put it this way, no woman in a relationship should ever refer to any guy who’s not related to them as “big daddy. until you’re single again, his name is “james”)

being consistently unavailiable at not unreasonable times

intentional aloofness

being named “angelina jolie”

athough you shouldn’t be held captive to some non-trusting mate’s emotional whims, be considerate. if you ask yourself “honestly, is he justified in thinking that i’m unfaithful?” and the answer is “yes“, and you do want the relationship to continue, then stop being an inconsiderate asshole. it’s really not rocket surgery, seriously.

hopefully no one here will ever put the cheating keys in the ignition. if so, you might as well just hop in the back seat. shit, at that point, your mate shouldn’t be the only one who’s getting a ride.

–the champ