several months ago, i decided to bless the vsb pulpit with my comprehensive, omniscient, all-encompassing, and all-inclusive two part guide detailing absolutely everything you need to do to insure that you will always have the best sex that you can possibly have, a lengthy and voluminous fourteen word manual intricately describing how to have the best sex you’ll ever imagine:

part one: check your ego at the door.

part two: pay attention.

the end

although this genius entry was clearly a masterpiece of panoramic proportions, i’ve decided to expound a bit today just to give the mouth-breathers a chance to join in the fun.

“checking your ego” means…

1. no sack “cuteness” or or pseudo p*rn star posturing. you’re not performing, and, sans the camcorder hidden in a closet shoebox, nobody is watching. sex is sloppy and messy, and great sex is sloppier and messier than an ohio pig farm. if you dont want to get sloppy and messy, dont have sex, because your new do will get sweated out, your fresh waves will be mesh caves, and your french manicured toes will get spit and came on.

2. no holding back. no “you know what, i’ll let him hit today, but he’s not getting any head” or “yea, i guess i’ll go down there, but only for a quarter lick” or “i’m only gonna c*m once. he hasn’t earned two o’s yet”.

as funny as this sounds, there are people who actually do this. some are probably reading this right now, holding their wack sex having heads in shame. bastards. again, if you’re gonna have sex…have sex. there’s no shame in not having it…just in intentionally making it wack

ladies, the bedroom isn’t a place to further your fight for women’s equality. its really not that serious. plus, its hard to be a rad fem with c*m on your nose.

also, fellas, from what i’ve heard some backs aren’t immediately breakable. have a plan b. basically, if the corner 3 aint hitting, get your ass to the hoop.

“paying attention” means…

1. if your lover is making a face that looks like they’re witnessing a horse circumcision ceremony while you’re showing them that “genius” head technique you learned while watching “ghetto booty 27″, then maybe its time to retire that move. consider it.

2. that odd “magic monkey zone” coincidence that seems to occur when you whisper a certain something in her ear or call him a certain name (i’m partial to “shaft in africa”, just in case ya’ll were wondering), ummmm…isn’t a coincidence. whatever you’re doing…its working. keep doing it. pay attention, assh*le.

so, people of vsb, am i right (again) or am i right?

—the champ