Tag Archives: cheating

5 “Not-All-That-Talked-About” Fears Every Man Has

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I'm sorry. I really don't know what happened to me just now. Would it cheer you up if I made you some eggs? I know eggs can't replace sex, but they are some damn good eggs.

“And that is what I am slowly being enlightened about today. I genuinely had no idea guys worried that much about their women cheating.”

This was a comment left by veteran VSB-er WIP in Monday’s A Conversation About Double Standards And How “Reformed Homosexual Man” = “Promiscuous Woman.” It was a response to the assertion that the threat of female infidelity definitely affects how we  (men) act. And, to be clear, it’s not so much that men worry all day long about whether their mate is cheating on them. The angst and anxiety happen beforehand, as we’re much less likely to choose mates who give off a “Yeah, you’re probably not going to be enough for me” signal.

Anyway, WIP’s lack of awareness of this very real fear made me wonder if there were any other prominent fears held by (many) men that (most) women have absolutely no idea about, and I thought of four more.

2. Unknowingly raising a kid that’s not yours

While many men will willingly help raise the child(ren) of a woman who had kids before they met each other, the prospect of loving, supporting, and protecting a kid who was assumed to be our kid but really isn’t scares us worse than prison, urinal rats, and the thought of period sex with Lisa Lampanelli. In fact, this — the fear of raising a kid who isn’t yours — may be the main reason why “promiscuous woman anxiety” exists.

3. Wang failure at the worst possible time

If “wrong f*cking time wang failure” —- and, for clarity, wrong time wang failure is when you get a once in a lifetime opportunity (i.e.: for whatever reason, Stacey Dash wants you right now) and can’t perform — isn’t bad enough, making it worse is the fact that it’s largely psychosomatic and a self-fulfilling prophecy. Basically, sometimes wang failure occurs just because of how badly you want to sleep with and please this person. Your interest and excitement works against you. And, adding insult to injury, the more you think about it and want it, the less likely you’ll be able to reverse it. Perhaps God isn’t a woman, but studies like this definitely make me think he must be a Kappa.

4. Getting “bitched” or made to feel helpless in front of your woman or children

For those unsure of what i’m referring to, just watch this scene again

5. Unauthorized sperm theft

Out of all the fears, this one is the most irrational. I mean, there’s only like 16 men on the planet important enough that a woman would actually dig in the garbage to retrieve a used condom with the hope that the semen is still able to impregnate her, and I’m pretty sure none of these men read VSB. Also, there’s only like 16 women on the planet desperate and dastardly enough to do something like that, and I’m pretty sure none of the cast members of “The Real Basketball Wives of Hip-Hop” read VSB, either.

Still, despite the irrationality, it is a very real fear that some men have. I even have a friend who told me that, if sleeping with a woman at her house, he always takes the used condoms home. I didn’t have the stomach to ask how exactly he’s transporting them.

Anyway, fellas: Did I miss anything? Can you think of any other fears that women probably don’t know anything about? Also, ladies, is there anything you’re deathly afraid of that would surprise most men if we found out?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

The Cheating Spectrum

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“Three days ago, my husband’s female co-worker called to inform me that she had been sleeping with my husband of two years for the past nine months. As I’m sure you can imagine, this shook my world and led to a lengthy fight. My husband has declared that he did sleep with her but says it was only once nine months ago.”

I came across this quote while going through Dear Prudence’s archives yesterday. The situation itself was unremarkable, and Prudence’s advice was on-point as usual (“Tell him you don’t know who to believe, and you want to contact his supposedly former lover and see if she has evidence that it was no one-night stand. Maybe that will shake out of him a different version of the truth.“), but the topic resonated because it made me think about all the gray associated with cheating.

For instance, I doubt her advice would have been the same if the person asking the question was a girlfriend instead of a wife, and I also strongly doubt that Prudence would have suggested that the wife try to find out the truth if the third party was the wife’s sister instead of the husband’s co-worker.

My point? All cheating isn’t created equal, and it’s about time that someone made a spectrum to accurately gauge which acts of infidelity are worse than others. And, as you probably guessed, that someone is me.

Without further ado, here’s the cheating spectrum.

***Acts of infidelity are listed from “1″ — stop bitching and get over yourself — to “10″ — someone needs to f*cking die***

(The “Annoying, but you need to forget about that shit” zone)

1.0

A lapdance from a stripper

1.7

grindingon the dance floor

(It may be a surprise to some to see a somewhat innocent dance being considered more infidelity-ish than a man or woman getting theircrotchbounced on by a naked stripper, but someone dancing on top of you while you’re stuffing dollar bills in her butt crack has a funny way of making things less intimate)

2.0

Public but private lunch (ie: You share a table at Wendy’s with each other) with a very attractive co-worker.

(The “Maybe we need to talk, you f*ckin bastard” zone)

3.0

InappropriateGChat conversations, texts, or emails.

(“Inappropriate“in this sense is defined as “Anything you’d rather delete than let your significant other see“)

3.7

Talking on the phone after 10pm to any opposite sex friend about anything not business related

4.5

Confiding to a friend of the opposite sex about relationship issues you’re having

(A very underrated act of relationship disrespect that might even be too low on the list)

(The”You probably should know that I don’t have to break up with you over this, but I could” zone)

5.0

Drunkenly kissing someone while on vacation

(Upsetting, but far fromunforgivable)

5.7

Telling a person you’re very attracted to that you’re very attracted to them

(Even if this interest is unactedupon, things like this need to be kept to yourself. Can’t be out there planting seeds like that, because, even if you don’t intend to, it increases the likelihood that you’ll eventually f*ck the plant)

(The”If you tell yoursignificantother about this, you should probably brace yourself because you might get mushed” zone)

6.0

Drunk vacation sex

(Sh*t happens)

(The”Unless one of us is rich, hung like a donkey, or looks like Stacey Dash, this sh*t is officially over” zone)

7.0

Drunken but very passionate kiss between you and someone your significant other personally knows and sees on a regular basis

7.5

Longtime emotional — but non sexual —intimacywith a person not yoursignificantother

(I have a feeling that most of the women reading this would place it higher on the list)

8.0

Completely lucid one night stand

(The”Where’s my bleach?” zone)

8.7

One night stand with amutual friend, significant other’s family member, or, if you’re a man, man

9.0

Long-time affair with a stranger

(The”Prison time actuallydoesn’tseem all that bad” zone)

10.0

A long-time affair with a mutual friend, significant other’s family member, or, if you’re a man, man

(Not only do people often die in situations like this, but up until like seven years ago, you could legally murder someone over it)

Anyway, people of VSB.com, what are your thoughts about the spectrum? Did you agree with my placements? Also, are there any other acts you’d like to see included? If so, where would you put them?

—The Champ

Anti-Pretty Proximity: Why Powerful Men Have Affairs With “Plain” Women

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I'll be back...with some condoms and a pint of Baileys

(From a Gchat conversation last week)

J**: omg. you seen what the kindergarten cop got himself kicked out the kennedys over????
Champ: i haven’t. i wouldnt be surprised if she wasn’t attractive, though
J**: its ridiculous
J**: she looks like she works at the fiesta mart. repeat:he got KICKED OUT OF THE KENNEDYS OVER THE CHECK OUT LADY AT THE FIESTA MART
he’s an ungrateful ass nigga
we let him come into our country
star in our shitty action movies
marry into our elite
and run our most trifling state
and THIS is what we are given?
he goes and knocks down the bitch from the fiesta mart????
Champ: LOL.you’re funny
J**: im dead ass serious
Champ: thats what makes it funny
J**: i feel like we should deport his ass

If I made a list of “Recent happenings that shocked me about as much the f*cking sunrise,“ the news that an ultra-rich, ultra-famousgovernor had a decade long affair that produced a lovechild would be first, right after “Chris Bosh dunks and awkwardly pounds his chest like a velocipede” and “if I leave the bathroom door open when I pee, my girlfriend’s cat will try to jump in the toilet (again) and will probablysucceed (again).”

Am I implying that it’s usually aforgoneconclusion that an ultra-powerful man will be unfaithful to his wife? No. I’m explicitly stating that it’susually aforgoneconclusion that an ultra-powerful man will be unfaithful to his wife. No need to be all Pollyanna about power and sexual psychology.

But, what seems to really bother people like my friend J** isn’t the fact thatSchwarzenegger stepped out, but that this rich and famous man — a man who governs in a state known for having a ton of very attractive and very, um, “free-spirited” women — chose to jeopardize his marriage for someone a bit plainer than the type of woman a powerful man should be able to easily pull.

(More J**)

J**: women have no such weakness
J**: i have never seen a woman display such a lack of judgment
J**: you never hear about women having sex with pookie the crackhead bc he was nearby
at least if you go to all-star weekend to have sex with whoever are the current basketball players of the day
you have a chance of accruing child support
you know
as opposed to aids and herpes
and not much else
Champ: those chicks aint f*cking lebron, though
they’re making trips down there to f*ck lebron’s cousins
J**: lol

Despite my jokes, I can see J**’s point. While unfaithful women tend to cheat “up” (To be honest, the jury is still out on this “fact” as well. There are quite a few women married to lawyers and doctors and sh*t who get their backs blown out by school bus drivers, barbers, and relationship bloggers), history is full of examples of powerful men — Bill Clinton, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, every character Michael Beach has ever played, etc — choosing relatively unattractive women to cheat with(And “relatively unattractive” in this case means that these men are in positions that give them access to more traditionally appealing women), aphenomenonthat doesn’t seem to make much sense…at least until you realize that the majority of these situations share the same characteristic.

Anti-Pretty Proximity

You see, proximity matters more than any other factor — trumping physical attraction – when these types of men end up having these prolonged affairs.It’s the one tie that bindsMonica Lewinsky,Sahel Kazemi,Mildred Baena, and countless other mistresses, the one thing that’ll make a powerful man who should be used to and (somewhat) impervious to thepotentiality of new p*ssy risk everything for a “CHECK OUT LADY AT THE FIESTA MART,” the one reason why truly smart wives make sure that their senator husbands have 72 year old male maids, personal assistants, andsecretaries.

They (the husbands) see these women (the mistresses) over and over and over again, and this has a habit of turning appreciation into attraction, attraction into desire, and desire into a yearning. And, since these are powerful men used to getting their way, they don’t stop until the yearning is fulfilled (repeatedly)

The Anti-Pretty part comes into play because, well, these wives aren’t stupid. They know their husbands have wandering eyes, so you better believe that they’re preemptivelyvigilant — doing what they can to limit and/or void his interactions with any woman she deems a threat.

“His new personal trainer’s boobs are a bit too perky? Hmm, maybe we should join a gym and start working out together.”

“The barista at his favorite Starbucks is a bit too cute and flirty? That’s easy. I’ll just buy him one of those $1,000 cappuccino machines so he has no excuse to go there anymore”

“Our nanny walks around like she wants to get f*cked? Wait, I’m a Kennedy, right? Can’t I just have her killed?”

But, the mistress’s plainness allows her to slip by undetected, as the wife is practically insulted to even consider thinking of her as a threat.

“What? Lupe? The gardener bitch with seven fingers on her left hand? The one who smells like Swiffer and wasabi?Please. I know my man has dog tendencies, but give the n*gga some credit at least”

You wonder why Arnold decided to have an affair with the help and how he managed to have a child with a woman that his wife saw practically everyday for 10 years? That’s how. Anti-Pretty Proximity

I told my friend J** about the Anti-Pretty Proximity theory last night. Her reply?

J**: so sad. well, “you cheated on me??? when i specifically asked you not to????” would be the last thing that any cheating husband of mine ever heard. bc i would shoot him dead
probably on vacation
Champ: you would take him on vacation to shoot him dead?
J**:yes

—The Champ

No rapture means that God wants you to stay on Earth and purchase the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version ofYour Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime

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Why Cheaters “Win” At Relationships

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“Running a mile in under five minutes and thirty seconds”

This was my response to an interview question about the most difficult thing I’ve done as an adult; a “safe” answer that 1) allowed me to segue into some faux self-depreciating discussion about my star-crossed college basketball career (I started off with “Oh yeah. I played ball in college a long, long, long time ago.” It’s not a game with my faux self-depreciation game.), and 2) was a lie.

Ok, it wasn’t a total lie. The 5:30 mile — a somewhat pointless feat of mental and physical anguish my college coach forced us to complete before we were allowed to practice — still haunts me. While others have nightmares about death or falling or getting chased by groups of especially irascible midgets with full clown costumes, thoughts of track shoes and stopwatches give me cold sweats.

But, while running the mile was definitely daunting, it’s nowhere near as difficult as breaking up with a woman — a completely draconian task I’ve (unfortunately) had to do twice.

What makes breaking up with a woman so hard for a man to do? Well, it’s always difficult to give bad news to a person you care about. More importantly, though, much of a man’s life (and much of a man’s “success” in life) is predicated on convincing women we find attractive to say “Yes.” — “Yes, you can have my number,” “Yes, we can have sex,” “Yes, you’re allowed to cum there” and so on. This ongoing socialization has left most of us somewhat ill-equipped to say “No” to a woman we’re even marginally physically attracted to and completely ill-equipped to deal with the guilt-ridden emotional fallout of telling a woman “You know those things you do — the things I practically begged you to do when you still weren’t sure if you wanted to do them to me? Well, I no longer want to do them with you. Sorry!”

But, when I reflect on each of those failed relationships, I can’t help but come back to this one act, an act that could have saved each and prevented my break-up anguish if I’d been willing to do it.

Cheat.

Yup, you read that correctly. The general sense of relationship melancholy preceding each of the break-ups? Solved if I spiced things up by occasionally stepping out. The feeling of “This isn’t working. Maybe I need to end this and explore other options” the aforementioned relationship melancholy eventually leads to? Not an issue if I decided to explore other options while still attempting to work things out. The inevitable frustration with the idea of monogamy? Cured if I completely eschew the entire notion.

This issue goes well beyond me. Even the oft-cited reluctance of many “good guys” — and “good guys” in this sense are eligible men interested in healthy and monogamous relationships — to commit can partially be traced back to how most good guys feel about cheating. Basically, you can argue that it takes longer for a person invested in monogamy to commit because they understand that commitment to be somewhat final, whereas a person not concerned with monogamy will “commit” at anytime to anyone.

In fact, if I’d been willing to cheat — and assuming I was either clever enough to never get caught or with someone willing to forgive my repeated transgressions – not only would I have “saved” myself from having to break-up with a woman, I’d probably be married (with children) right now.

I’m assuming these last couple paragraphs — which can be interpreted as pro-cheating — comes as a surprise to those familiar with my work. From “five completely selfish reasons why ive never cheated” — an entry listing, well, five completely selfish reasons why I’ve never cheated on a mate — to “35 reasons why he cheated,” I’ve made no secret my absolute abhorrence for cheating.

That feeling hasn’t changed. I still abhor cheating, but I’ve began to wonder if this abhorrence is less due to what I thought was some moral code than just plain ole envy wrapped in a layer of self-righteousness. Maybe I just hate the fact that while I’ve had to deal with relationship acrimony and break-up anguish, cheaters seem to take the “easy” way out.

I mean, if you’re spending countless hours and sleepless nights cramming for a final exam while your roommate has a cheat sheet with all the answers, how soon before you either start hating that roommate or just say “F*ck it” and ask him to make you a copy?

Who knows? But, do you know why I lied when asked to name the most difficult thing I’ve done as an adult? I knew the real answer would lead to a conversation I just wasn’t interested in having, and I wasn’t prepared to share what it would say about me.

Hmm. Kind of reminds me of the reasoning behind the lie we tell ourselves when saying “Cheaters never win.”

—The Champ

A Mad Men-Induced Conversation About the Definition of Cheating

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“I guess it occurs whenever one person in a relationship does something with the opposite sex that their mate wouldn’t approve of. Basically, it’s cheating if you feel the need to hide what you’re doing and cover your tracks. If you know your dude is sleeping around and you rather he didn’t, but you don’t think infidelity is a big deal, that’s not cheating. Chlamydia? Yes. Cheating? No.”

“You’re obsessed with The Clap. You would have fit right in at Sterling Cooper”

“Huh?”

“Every time you have the opportunity to randomly name drop a venereal disease in conversation, you choose chlamydia. Syphilis gets no love from you. What did syphilis do to deserve this treatment? Did syphilis forget to send you a Christmas card last year?”

“Actually, gonorrhea is ‘The Clap’. Chlamydia is just, well, chlamydia.”

“You sure? That doesn’t make any euphemistic sense. Plus, alliteration makes STD’s much more fun.”

“Stop asking questions, and stop trying to use big words to deflect from the fact that your stupid ass didn’t know gonorrhea was “The Clap”. Anyway, you never said if you agree with my definition of cheating. Makes sense, doesn’t it?”

“No. It makes even less sense than The Clap. If you compiled all the sh*t I do with the opposite sex that I hide from my girlfriend because I know she wouldn’t approve, it would be enough to fit in…a…big ass box that stores shit you hide from girlfriends. She probably wouldn’t have approved of the five minutes I spent today googling names of women I met in Caribana in 2002 just to see if they were still alive. She probably wouldn’t have approved of the face I made last week when the surprisingly thick chick with the Jewish fro at Sephora bent over to reach a bottle of Escada Sentiment for me. She definitely wouldn’t approve of half the daily conversations I have with women, including this one. Seriously, the only way “my girlfriend finding out about this conversation” wouldn’t equal “an argument that could only be settled with five consecutive days of shower cunnilingus” is if I told her you were a lesbian. And, even then it probably wouldn’t matter. My point is that I try very hard not to reveal any of that stuff to her, but nothing I’ve done would be considered to even be in the same ballpark as cheating by any sane and rational person. I’m no saint, but I’m definitely not no Don Draper either. And, I know most women aren’t sane and rational, but for the sake of the discussion, lets pretend”

“You’re funny. Seriously, you’re almost half as funny as you already think you are. I guess this makes you Peter Campbell.”

“Thanks! See, I just think there’s a huge distinction between “Cheating” and “Inappropriate, but ultimately harmless behavior“. There’s no forgiving cheating. And, since infidelity is the only behavior I wouldn’t approve, it’s only cheating if it’s actual sex. It’s my only unconditional dealbreaker.”

“I thought being a Laker fan was an unconditional dealbreaker for you.”

“Well, that too. But, short of actual sex, I’d be willing to at least entertain an excuse for any other behavior. I mean, if I found out she drunkenly kissed a disabled sailor at a New Years Eve party, I probably wouldn’t consider that to be cheating. In fact, once I put her through a couple months of passive-aggressive hell, I’d applaud her for her altruism. It’s tough for vets these days, yanno?”

“So, if you found out your girl gave Shaq a naked lap dance, you’d be ok with it as long as he didn’t break the seal?”

“Hell no”

“Why not? That contradicts everything you just said. I mean, that’s short of sex, and since they didn’t have sex, in your book that’s not cheating, right?”

“True. But, Shaq used to play for the Lakers.”

—The Champ