sadie’s shady

you know, its always good to have a few radical feminists (radfems) in your sphere of influence. they make great drinking buddies because they love to buy rounds, they always have many pairs of glasses with angular frames, they always seem to rock belt-less jeans with pockets full of trader joe’s coupons, and, after 13 a few jack and cokes, they’re usually pretty good in the sack. in fact, if i had to choose, my optimum 20 person crew would include at least two radical feminists of equal stature, just so that they could serve as go-to weekend human crutches (when you wrap each arm around a friend while leaving the bar and too drunk to walk)

a couple weeks ago, i went out for a drink with my lone remaining radfem buddy, who was mildly upset with her string of (her words) “wack-chunk relationships”. apparently, there’s been a distinct pattern with each of the last 5 or 6 guys she’s dated: initial red-hot intensity (read: “frequent and delirious sex”), followed by the men becoming aggressively nonchalant and losing interest…a literal beginning bang and ending whimper

now, although my radfem bubby is an, ummm, radfem, she possesses all the stereotypical characteristics men typically look for in women (read: she’s pretty banging. i’d even say she’s the best looking white woman i’ve ever been cool with. )…the last person you’d think would have men lose interest, and i was curious to figure out why this was happening.

this curiosity lasted for approximately two minutes, ending soon after i asked her one question:

“how do you typically meet guys?”

her response…

you know me. if i see someone i like, i pounce

…told me everything i needed to know.

this, the “aggressive nonchalance” is what typically eventually happens when women approach men, which is why i’ve always maintained that women should never do it.

now, admittedly, most guys would probably say that i’m nuts for saying this, that they wish more women approached instead of just standing patiently in the weeds with their thumbs up their finely coiffed asses, that theres no bigger ego boost than getting propositioned by an attractive and sober woman, and i understand that sentiment, because i feel the exact same way, lol.

thing is, from a relationship standpoint, a woman making the first move usurps one of a man’s most basic duties: to show a woman that he has enough balls to approach her. stripping us of that can give us the (usually true) idea that things will be excessively easy (pun intended and double entendre intended), and strips the women of one of natures inherent bitchassedness filters. the aggressive nonchalance typically occurs because he’s not really that interested…if he was he would have approached her

now, again, I’m not saying women don’t have a part in this. just as it’s our job to approach if we’re interested, its their job to make themselves somewhat approachable if they’re interested. smiling, eye contact, starting conversations, subtly making your relationship status clear, responsive body language fedexing thongs to his cubicle all of this is perfectly within a women’s wheelhouse. walking up to him and saying “hey, i’ve been noticing you for a while and i think you’re sexy. lemme have your number” is not

honestly, and i’m challenging the readers to prove me wrong, i’ve never actually seen it work. yeah, they may have dated a few times and exchanged some seminal fluid for a while, but i’ve never actually heard any first-hand testimony from a long-standing couple who initially met when the woman “bagged” him. not once. again, good people of vsb.com, i’m challenging someone to prove me wrong.

of course, i told my radfem friend all of this, and, of course, she didn’t listen to any of my advice. a few hours later, she actually approached a guy at the bar who she thought looked like a “hotter, younger, and straighter anderson cooper”.

moral of the story: i think i have an alcohol problem

—the champ

diva dudes: the relationship jabberwockys

****In part one of the toxic people examination, the champ discussed evil bitch’s broad’s (EB’s)…who they are, how to detect them, and why to avoid them. Today, he’ll shed light on the diva dude…the epitome of b*tcha*sness, and the bane of every young women’s existence****

An epidemic unique to the black community, the “diva dude” describes the mindset created in certain black men, developed after reading and hearing about the “good black male shortage” that’s supposedly sweeping through the country at a pandemic rate

Its a condition, an aura which basically lets every eligible female within a 25 mile radius know “Look, I’ve read the same articles that you have, and since I’m such an “endangered species“, I pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever the hell I want with you. Kiss the ring, desperate b-tch”.

Here are a few characteristics that they all possess. Unlike EB’S, who only have to possess 3 out of the 5 possible EB categories to qualify, all DD’S share the following characteristics. Think of this as a dating DSM-IV.

****Also, before i continue, i want to make it very clear that being a young, successful, black male definitely doesn’t automatically make you a DD. DD’s are bred in insecurity…grown-ass babies who need female attention to validate their existence. basically, the type of cats who would all of a sudden start using initials for their first names when becoming successful, thinking that “t. jonathan butler” on a business card might procure more panties than regular ole “tyrone butler” ever did****

1. They’re straight and single with no kids. 25 to 35 years old with advanced degrees and decent jobs, cars, and apartments/condos.

Basically, the exact type of black man that studies will tell you do not exist.

2. They live in cities with metropolitan areas over 250,000 people

This is very important because large metropolitan areas allows them to basically get away with their BS unfettered. If a group of women get wise and catches them, recognizing in them numerous diva dude characteristics, there’s always another mall or happy hour or convention somewhere in the city where the “mythical black man” schtick will guarantee free panties. There are suckers for DD’s with degrees born every minute (pun and double entredre intended)

3. They’ve been the “proverbial ugly duckling” until very recently

This is important, because the fact that weren’t getting any rhythm before they became notable creates an inherent bitchassness that permeates everything they do. From what i understand, this seems to be pretty common with black male greeks

4. They’re only friends with other diva dudes

All DD’s are close friends with between one and four other diva dudes, a safe number which gives them a couple clubbing and drinking buddies, but not so many that their diva light doesn’t shine as bright.

Remember, these are not alphas dogs, just a bunch of beta d-cks constantly thirsty for attention, hoping that a chick he walks past at the mall will happen to see the SAAB keys he’s “nonchalantly” jigging in his left hand and double-take.

Diva dudes are to be detected and avoided at all costs, and each gender has their own specific reason

1. *women*

They will run through and ruin you. It’s that simple.

2. *men*

Because DD behavior can be very tempting for a man to emulate, it’s very important that you do whatever you can to distance yourself from them. It’s akin to being in constant close contact with a group of porn stars or crackheads. The more you surround yourself with them, the more you’ll begin to justify their questionable behavior, eventually leading to you picking up the proverbial crack pipe, thinking “this must be a hell of a drug

Admittedly, there is a certain allure to living this lifestyle. Not so much in the DD actions, but in the figurative thumbing of the nose at all the shit saying that all black men between 17-35 are either imprisoned, uneducated, unemployed, or gay. Despite the attraction to this state of mind, you have to remember that these are the dudes who probably will end up like Champ Kind from Anchorman when they reach 40…

…single, lonely, and unable to function without the aid of his crew of like-minded relationship nincompoops. destined to a lifetime of terribly furnished apartments and occasionally getting “lucky” when some 19 year old working the hot dog stand in front of the club is impressed with his red corvette.

Again, i want to remind everyone about our 21 hour hotline at contact@verysmartbrothas.com. If you know anybody who fits this criteria and suspect that they need help, please don’t hesitate to contact us. it’s your duty. don’t let us down

—the champ

Handle With Care

Comment courtesy of Ana B from the Vindication post:

“somebody (a man) once told me “Stroke a man’s d*ck you have him for the night, Stroke his ego and you have him for life” I have found this to be true, even with the men that I have not been physically involved with. It truly is all about EGO”

***********************

No time like the present to share some truth and dispel some non-sense. Thanks Ana for the inspiration.

The male ego is a monster, similar to Thing from the Fantastic Four. Our ego makes us largely hardcore on the outside and conflicted and emotional on the inside.

True.

And what of the female ego? Well, that’s an 8-headed hydra that spits venom and eats midget children and poodles. It appears out of nowhere and then retreats into the night as quickly as it came, leaving a trail of destruction rivaled only by the government’s cockup in the wake of Hurricane Katrina…plus the Tuskegee Experiment.

I think that about sums it up.

I’ve always found it funny that women constantly refer to the male ego. Now sometimes it’s men’s fault. See comment above. And that’s well and good but if you want to see an actual fragile ego, just tell a woman “no” when she wants some stickball.

Actually, I don’t recommend it.

And why wouldn’t I recommend it? Good question.

Women are insane and a rejected woman really doesn’t know what the hell just happened to her, causing her to act out…insanely. You see, a woman’s guile and sexuality are her power, and she knows this. According to one of Aesop’s Unpublished Fables and her mama, “no man can resist the power of the woman.” So if a man rejects a woman’s sexual advances (which let’s face it, isn’t normal), women are forced into unfamiliar territory causing all kinds of trouble. Trust me. I’ve seen it.

I’ve said “no” to a woman who hadn’t earned the right to rip the runway. Her face morphed into an ugly version of Grace Jones. Of course, she then proceeded to tell me that I was gay and wasn’t ready for her while managing to gloss over the fact that she looked like a hyena.

See, even ugly heffas have fragile egos and they shouldn’t even have expectations in life. Bottom line is that the male ego may be fragile, but we’ve had practice in rejection so we learn to adjust. Men don’t like hearing “no” but its just part of the game to us. We like the chase anyway. The female ego on the other hand hasn’t had so much practice, rendering it worse and more easily afflicted with b*tcha*sness.

And like Puffy says, there’s no room for b*tcha*sness around here.

It was written.

-PANAMA