Things Men Talk About When Women Aren’t Looking

“For real? I never would have thought that using my girlfriends razors and body wash mixed with her nail polish remover would get me a clean shave on my balls. Thanks man!”

If I had a dollar for every time a woman was surprised after I told her that guys actually talk about feelings and emotions amongst one another I’d probably have enough to buy Oprah – the lean years. It would seem that most women that all of men’s conversations involve strippers (a lot do), pr0n (a lot do), and sports (even our emotional convos involve sports analogies or references to sports figures going through what we’re going through). Oh, and hip-hop. They also ALL involve hip-hop especially since rappers are now on vh1 putting their relationships on blast. That might actually be the best assist ever to men. We can watch some of these shows in the name of hip-hop (and all that’s wrong with it) all the while truly satiating our inner gossip.

By the way, Scandal might be the most ratchet show on television and is Basketball Wives for the educated set. Yeah, I said it.

Anyway, the point is, men have a lot of deep and meaningful and ridiculous conversations that probably sound a lot like the conversations women have. Hey, people are people and men, we’re a people. You’d like some examples? I got examples. Let me consult my (dated political joke coming in 5…4….3….2….1) binder full of b*tches. Word to Mitt Romney.

1. Our hair (or lack there of).

So you know how there are Facebook pages and twitter hashtags dedicated to #teamnaturalhair and #longhairdontcare and all that joyous pride women have in their hair – though perms seem to catch all types of hell. Seriously, why does what that chick does with her hair affect your life? Women, so beautiful but so angry when it comes to hair. Anyway, guys? We do that too. Though usually its guys who are either going bald, are bald, or just shave their head because they like the bald look. See, noboby likes razor bumps and as bald men, you’re entire life is dedicated to finding that perfect shave to eliminate the possibility of such inconveniences. So guys trade tips on what types of razors we use and what type of products we use after the fact. Things like how often do you shave, do you go with or against the grain, what products don’t work, etc. Many a woman will tell you a smoothly shaved bald head is a thing of wonder…well, men we notice these things too and if we’re bald we want to achieve that thing of wonder. While I’m sure there are some support groups for men who shave their heads, I don’t know any guys who would actively seek them out and put their FB profile on it to yell it loud, “I’m bald and I’m proud.” These same practices also occur for chaps with locs.

2. Which rappers/athletes are sleeping with so and so, etc.

Obviously we all know that men gossip just as much (its not more) than women. However, our gossip…#itsjustdifferent. We talk about who ball players and rappers are dating. And if they do something stupid we acknowledge it as well, but largely we tend to be amazed at how certain rappers manage to to snag the baddest chicks at all times. Etc. We also like to talk about how some rappers and athletes seem to be total b*tches and how we’d never want to hang with them either. Etc. Ya know, guy stuff.

3. How f*cked up so and so is for doing such and such…

Despite what we display to the world via our thuglike exteriors, men are amazingly emo. I know, Captain Obvious checking in. However, guys also do tend to hold their boys accountable for a lot of dumb sh*t that we do. Just because we tend to eschew all advice and consult that would likely help us out in life doesn’t mean we’re not getting it. This could be a function of having good friends – which I do – but there hasn’t truly been a bad decision I’ve mad yet that hasn’t been questioned by my boys in a very methodical and sensical way. Same with relationships, guys will talk very candidly and openly about both the good and bad in their relationships amongst one another. I mean, we all need somebody to talk to. I might seem unbelievable since many women complain that men won’t open up about our feelings to them but we do tend to share them with our boys at times. I know, its counterproductive. I know. But hey, we’re human.

4. Self-improvement….

While I think that women are probably the largest consumers of self-help books and programs – notice I said largest, not only – guys will absolutely discuss ways that we can improve as people and what we need to be doing to be a stand up person for the community and for our families, etc. Again, we might not be perfect in our own personal dealings but we largely know what we need to be doing and we talk about that a lot. “I need to step up for my family. ” “I need to take more of an active role in helping out around the house”. Etc. These convos happen.

Now, these converse tend to feature a lot more colorful language than they probably do when being held by our ladyparts counterparts but they do indeed happen.

Fellas, what are other convos we have that women would be surprised we’re having? Ladies, have you ever been privy to a convo you were surprised your man or any man was having?

Talk to me. Petey.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. COUNTRY NINJA aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3