The Other Foot: When Men Seek Closure

Sometimes when life gets you down, you just need p*ssy and a violin guitar.

It’s common knowledge that women more or less suck at rejection. Most women are so discerning (yes, this is debateable…so is yo’ mama) about their romantical decisions up front that the very idea that a man who was chosen would decline their advances causes women to come down with a mad case of the Bee Gees. And anybody who’s ever had the BeeGees knows that you do not want the BeeGees.

Obviously, men are on the other end of that spectrum. I just got rejected twice since I started writing this and I couldn’t care less; I make it do what it do. Also, women tend to be big on closure and men, well, we just go bang new women and pretend not to have any feelings about the previous relationship. This tends to work well for society and mankind since, again, we all know that emo men might kill you. It’s really all about self-preservation, truth, justice, and the American way.

Well, there are actually some situations where men don’t know how to handle rejection AND seek closure. I know, boohissboo. While most men would just rather move on and pretend a certain chick didn’t exist and then holler at  her sorority sister, every now and again comes some woman where sh*t just went so haywire that the dude is left scratching his head.

You need an example don’t you? Yes, I think you do.

Many moons ago, a  young Pan (my game has grown, prefer you call me Panama) was seeing  a young lady. They hit it off famously and excitedly set out to do things that ninjas who hit it off famously do. They ate out. They looked at ducks together. They didn’t even have to use their AKs. It’s like everyday was a good day.  Mind you, Young P Da Fly Thief actually liked this particular woman so he did things that ninjas who like particular women do. He was nice. He did sweet things. Chaka Khan. When he did hoodrat things with his friends, he invited her along.

Then one day, poof vamoose, son of a b*tch. Now that’s not completely true. There was an incident of sorts and to explain it would possibly implicate no less than 12 Guatemalans, three Deltas and Obama. But in all honesty, I, Panama Jackson, was completely innocent. Basically, she messed up royally in such a way that I was forced to take a few steps back and truly evaluate whether or not I wanted to continue forward. She knew it. I knew it.

So what happens?

She iggs me ALL the way out. She disappeared on me. You ain’t neva seen a ninja get more gon’ then this ninja got gon’. Kind of like Ron Isley in Tax Court, I was so confrused. It made no sense, especially since I extended an olive branch so that we could move forward amicably…at least as friends, and perhaps more though that piece was going to take some work. Here’s the kicker, I wasn’t sure if this ninja really was into me for real for real as a boytoy anyway. So technically, it seems like we were all good. But nope. This ninja kicked me to more curbs than a concrete company.

It was almost some Boomerang sh*t except nobody got played. As opposed to a woman being stuck on a dude wondering why he vanished, it was me trying to understand. I went to various women that I knew to gain some insight and all of them gave me some variation of the same answer: she was interested and realized she blew it so she just quit you before she got even more caught up. Self-preservation so to speak. That’s all well and good except…isn’t that the same sh*t women get mad at men for doing? And you know when men’s feelings get hurt, one woman doesn’t pay, the next ten women will pay.

Point is, for the first time in my long-legged life, I needed some closure AND took the rejection personal since until she f*cked up, we were getting along…famously. Oh, and she messed up, not me. Dat hurt very much. Now, this was years ago and I’m a much more coldhearted murderer than I was back then, no matter what Champ says (my ni**a, did you call me thoughtful and sensitive? – f*ck everybody). But that situation reminded me that every so often, men do look for that very closure that women swear we never seek. Did I ever get it? No. I recently saw this woman and we chopped it up for a second and I wanted so badly to ask her what happened but my ego and pride prevented me from doing so. I guess she was the best thing I never had. And yes, Virginia, that was intentional.

So let’s talk about closure today. Ladies, do you ever come across men looking for closure in your previous relationships? Fellas, have you ever sought out closure from a particular woman when things didn’t go right?

And synopsisize deez ladies, why do YOU think she bailed on me? And I promise you don’t need more context. No cheating, she just pulled a cardinal sin. And resist the temptation to ask what it was that she did even though I know its burning to know what happened.

Oh, and close deez.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GRAND OPENING GRAND CLOSING P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

After you read this, mosey on over to Guyspeak where Panama wonders about how true to life Beyonce’s video for “Best Thing I Never Had” is in an article entitled, Ladies, Is Your Ex ALWAYS On Your Mind?

Dodging Bullets of Love With Beyonce!

Look at my chinchilla. Pet cemetery ni**a.

That damn Beyonce.

At this point, I honestly think she makes songs strictly to drive me crazy. Beyonce just released her aptly titled “4″ album. It’s an album full of songs that most of us will not remember minutes after listening, but apparently many people love. Sometimes, I think that I get different versions of albums than everybody else because my versions suck and others don’t. Oh well. One particular song on this bizarre ryde to the pharcyde is “Best Thing I Never Had”, which I believe was penned by Babyface and some other men who write songs for women about how women feel about men. Though, if my name was Babyface…still…I’m sure I’d be able to tap into that same soft place that Drake taps into as well. Maybe they should start a group called Prison Mentality and release an album called “I Dropped The Soap”.

An-t-way, “Best Thing I Never Had”. I hate this song. I’ve been trying to figure out why and it dawned on me the other day…again, the entire premise is off on this song. It’s…wait for it…

…wait for it….

…flawed and all.

*rimshot*

Le sigh. So this song, as you can imagine by the title, is about a chick who is dating a man though there’s no real commitment (I’m assuming) since she’s the best thing he never had and she’s the best thing he never had. Rah rah rah, sis boom bah.

Before I go into it, I kind of hate a lot of female empowerment songs. I know that sounds jacked up but hear me out. It seems like most of them are geared towards keeping chicks off that gallon of ice cream after a break up. Every single song is like a 3 minute version of For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When Rainbows, Lucky Charms, and Four Leaf Clovers Weren’t Enough. The men being taken aim at all suck…which is fine. That part makes sense. Except, they all take the unnecessary and just wrong step of assuming that the man is worse off without her. And let’s be real…considering its a buyers market out here for men, if we thought we’d be better off with you, we’d stay. But we don’t so we…don’t. Granted, I understand why songs end up this way, it just always annoys me.

I guess I just wonder if that’s what women really do to make each other feel better? Just tell their friends that the dudes life sucks without them? What liars. No wonder so many women are ready to stab their exes when they see them out. The ex-boothang is supposed to be miserable but instead he’s out spraying champagne on scantily clad women tossing wads of 1′s at Amber Rose and smiling.

And this song is no different.

I know you want me back
It’s time to face the facts
That I’m the one that’s got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

So here’s my beef…if they were never really together, how exactly is she the one who got away? Clearly their not soul mates or he wouldn’t be f*cking up right? And ultimately, how in Sam Hill would she ever KNOW that she’s the best thing that he never had. It ain’t like he’s going to call her some years from now and say, “you know, Beyonce song written by Babyface, I know we never truly got together and fell in love and shared something real like Mary J. Blige and K-Ci, but what I envision our relationship could have been…well, that was better than anything I’d ever be able to get…even though I have no idea what dating you in a committed situation would be like. Thank God you found the good in goodbye. Even though we were kind of just dating and stopped, since I showed my a** somehow – how exactly did I do that…I mean she really was my cousin – I definitely lost out on the opportunity to break up with you in the future because of your flaws and all.”

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
Baby good lookin’ out

I’ve heard more women talking about dodging bullets than a little bit. What up with that? I actually had a chick say that about me once though she sort of denied that she was talking directly about me. Anyway, what did he blow? The chance to be with you? How do you know he wanted to be with you? Did he ever say this? You say you almost fell in love so you were ready and he was taking his time? Sounds to me like he wasn’t trying to lock you down anyway which means…ta da…he good.

He happy.

He dodged a bullet. Not you. More men feel like this than you know. You dropped him. Allow me to speak for him…”thank you.”

I bet it sucks to be you right now

Um, based on this song it kind of doesn’t. In fact its kind of cool since chances are you gave up the snappy nappy dugout. Now, get it right, I’m glad you’re finding power in this situation and able to move on. Great…let’s do lunch and tweet about our dates.

Look, I realize that I’m reading a lot into a song sung by a woman who wrote “Bootylicious” and who’s most famous lyric just might be “to the left, to the left” but for some odd reason, she seems to make songs that while I enjoy, seem outwardly non-sensical in the real world of logic.

Basically, I get worried that a lot of women will misconstrue their situations as being of the “Best Thing I Never Had” variety when most of these chicks need to be singing the lyrics to Deniece William’s song “Silly.”

Anyway, good folks of VSB, am I offbase here? It this just an attempt at misguided self-esteem buildling? Or is Beyonce singing the words that resound so deeply for so many women out there? Is Beyonce the theme music for female empowerment?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka BILLY BOB BEATDOWN BROWN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Get Gone: Instantly Breakupable Offenses

Man, I don't know either.

I believe that if you decide to commit to somebody then you commit: lock, stock, and barrel. You believe in their dreams and hope they live long enough to see them. If he just can’t wait to be King, then you call him Martin Luther. If she wants to dance with somebody who loves her, then tear the roof of this sucka and go up on the down stroke. Whatever it takes. That’s what commitment is. F*ck them other n*ggas because I’m down for my n*ggas.

Love.

And all of that would be well and good, except every now and then, the people we’ve decided to commit to do some ridiculously outlandish stuff. And I don’t mean sleep just sleep with somebody else. While it may be morally wrong, its neither ridiculous or outlandish. Banging a horse? Now that’s both. And what do we call that? That’s a 392 violoation: Instantly Breakupable Offense.

I don’t care if you did it six years ago and you were higher than Charlie Sheen sitting on a cloud on the third ring of Saturn. If I find out you did something like that, you gots ta go.

F*ck your couch.

Here are some other Code 392 Violations: Instantly Breakupable Offenses

1. These shoes (<—-click me motherf*cker)

I intentionally didn’t post the picture because I want everybody to get the full effect of actually clicking on the link and seeing them. I also will not describe the non-sense. But as great philosopher king, The Champ, said to me when I shared this travashamockery with him, “you’d have to re-evaluate your life if you were dating somebody who would seriously consider wearing these.” Yo, word to Big Bird, if my woman ever showed up with those on her feet, and thought it was okay, I might have to disavow all knowledge of her.

2. Cursing at my mother

Whoooooo lawd haf mercy got bles  da chile hoo s’got his own. My mother doesn’t even curse. If even the first few letters of a word I do not approve of are directed towards my mother, you gon’ have to a hitch a ride back with the galaxy. You know what word I’m not a fan of? Mystic. Never liked that word. I don’t like the Mystics of Washington or the drink. Presents quite the conundrum for you. You bet’ not call my momma “Mrs”. Better call her Queen or something. That first syllable is a killer.

3. Getting me put in jail

I’ve mentioned the scene in Crash numerous times where Terrence Howard watched the police feel up his wife. That scene hurt me. But for different reasons than anybody else. I feel like he lamed out in later scenes by not putting her out. Like, woman! You nearly got me pummelled AND put in jail by the LAPD. You got to go. You don’t love me. You probably don’t even love my doggystyle. So let’s pop a little champagne because we’re finna celebrate. What? My divoooooooooorce. Word booty.

4. Being a part of a national crime syndicate

Maybe you aren’t anymore. And that’s great. But I’ve seen True Lies and I watch a lot of movies. You can never get rid of that life. It’s part of you forever. And really, it’s not even that you did the crime and didn’t do the time. I’m happy for you. Viva la OJ. It’s more that you lied to me and probably never shared the money. You’ve been letting me think I make more money than you this whole time when the truth is you and four short and stocky Mexican Elmo impersonators spent the entire 90s bilking seniors out of their retirement by selling them pre-paid legal. And you never shared that part. I don’t really even know you. You’ve got to go.

5. If she tells me “she” was born a “he”

I don’t care how many operations you’ve been through, I’m not strong enough to handle that. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s not you, it’s me. No really. That again, is deceit. It’s a wonderbra. It’s Watergate. It’s COINTELPRO. It’s the cookie jar. It’s just deception. It’s the omission of the century. I’m sure I’m an advocate of only telling pertinent information. That’s pertinent. It’s like f*cking that horse. Like you get there and you think wow, this is gonna be cool, she’s f*cking a horse. And then you realize, dude, she’s f*cking a horse. And he was really giving it to her. Not sure who I feel worse for, her or the horse. I lost my train of thought.

No.

As Rebecca Black would say, it’s Friday Friday. What are your instantly breakupable offenses, no matter how long you’ve been together?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka lower.case.p aka SHUGGIE J. aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Ladies, We Need Answers

"Like I said, the answer is 'the cookie'. Wait, what was the question? Oh. Doesn't matter, protect your cookie. From Cookie Monster. He blue."

One of the great things about VSB is that its  a forum for a lot of women to gain insight into what men think. And not just The Champ and myself, but the various brohams that venture here and offer perspectives on any and everything under the sun, from pulpit pimpin’ to sweater puppy management. We generally go in like two gay guys at a Prince concert with Drake as the opener.

Because of this, we get a lot of questions seeking advice, guidance, and help with various situations from women. This makes sense and we’re always glad to oblige seeing as our goal is to reduce crime in the world. But you know what? We have questions at times too. While we may have a very good idea about most things, there’s nothing like hearing an answer from the horses mouth. Which is actually why ninety percent of all relationship advice starts and ends with: maybe you should talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Most smart enough people with common sense and even a minute ability to observe their surroundings should be able to answer most relationship related questions but you just never know really. With that said, we spend so much time hearing from us and about why we think everything is such and such, I figured today, I’d query our wonderful community about a few questions that a lot of men would have if we ever thought to ask questions.

Also, I’m sure I could find answers to a lot of these by going to a website run by a woman who writes about relationships, but real talk, when your commenters give good community, why leave home? So here are some questions that I’d like to know the answers too lady.

1. Why do women get so upset when exes reach out shortly after a break to see how you all are doing?

I had a convo with a homegirl about this one today and she basically asked me, “what’s the point?” Unless dude is calling to say he made a mistake there’s no reason to call and interrupt her healing and attempting to get over the dude. As a guy, a lot of guys do just call to see how y’all are doing. It has no greater point. Which could be the problem. I don’t know. I got one hangin’ and two swangin’.

2. Do women really not like it when their man is having a lot of fun without her?

Kevin Hart said this in his Seriously Funny special. And I tend to think its true. But maybe I’m wrong. I’ve always suspected that women hated it when their man was out having a ball, in like Vegas or something where as men are constantly pushing their women to go have fun with their girls and stuff. We want you to get out without us and it seems like many women never do. My experience has shown me that women go into killjoy mode. Any truth there ladies?

3. Is there anything universally that a man can do that will make a woman instantly breakup with him?

Seems like women will attempt to work out any and everything. Not that it will be smooth sailing but cheating can be worked out. Murder can be worked out. Finding out your woman cheated on you is nearly universally grounds for a breakup amongst men. Just like throwing a skillet at my mother’s head. That will get you shorted. I’m curious.

4. Speaking of working things out, do women always think its the man who’s not working hard enough to fix the problems?

Most of us menfolks tend to think that women severely lack in the accountability department. Are we wrong? Do women realize when they’re f*cking up but just don’t like to let us know?

5. Why exactly do women ask questions like “you want to hit me?” after doing something that would obviously be worthy of a beat down? Like, why even ask that question?

I’m baffled by this.

6. Do women ever get over hating an ex that dumped her to the point that she doesn’t actively wish ill will up on him?

Seems like women tend to hold on to significant exes in such a way that they want them to suffer for not realizing how great they were. Thing is, men maybe don’t deal with our issues very well, but we pretty much let y’all arses go. Or so it seems.

Ladies, the floor is yours. Help us out. Like Anthony Hamilton so poignantly said, “why?”

Fellas, let’s get all of our questions out there. What do you want to ask the boobed massive of VSB?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Pink Kisses, Bad Ideas, and The Woman Shortage In China

I’ve come across some bad ideas in my day. Hell, I’ve probably been the mastermind behind half of them. You’ve heard of the Pet Rock? Of course you have.

Me? I came up with the Pet Rock leash. If you’re like me, you hate it when your rock gets away. It only took off in the crackhead community and as you can imagine, that led to nowhere.

Stop Snitchin’ t-shirts? Yeah, I tried to promote the Start Snitchin’ campaign but that one went awry after I refused to give my name to reporters out of fear of snitching on myself. Needless to say, that business tanked too.

The point is, I know a bad idea when I see one.

Pink Kisses? Come on down!

*Price Is Right music*

What is Pink Kisses? Glad you asked. It’s a site intended to help women through breakups. I won’t do it proper justice so I’ll let them tell you. Here’s there mission statement:

To help women through heartbreak with all sorts of fabulous pick-me-ups. We’ll surprise you with chocolates, flowers, texts, emails, and our exclusive virtual gifts; we even have our own PK Life Coach to help you set new goals and a “Diva for a Day” experience where we spoil you with a fabulous, personalized photo shoot, to help mark a new chapter in your life.

At Pink Kisses, we want to change women’s lives by inspiring them to take control of their own fate and reminding them they are fabulous creatures that deserve to be spoiled… time and again.

Hey Panama, what gives? That sounds like a great idea.

*scratches beard*

By jove, you’re right, it does. Why however could I think this was a bad idea?!

Oh, right. Women, you have PAY for these services to make yourself better. You need an example don’t you? Of course you do. Basically, say Shakashawn breaks your heart. Boo hoo you. You are heartbroken. Yes, you have a broken heart, hence your heartbrokenness which is how you get a broken heart. Where do broken hearts go?

Hello, Brooklyn.

Well ladies, for $272 you can send YOURSELF some flowers, text messages, some chocolates, and a few other things to make you feel like a lady again. Oh yeah, some life coaching lessons and some posters.

Hmm…

So let me get this right. You got your heart broken so what you should then do is pay some chicks who probably have men to send you pick me up text messages and flowers and chocolates which are the very things that will remind you that you don’t have a man to do those things for you…from women. Look, I suppose in spirit this is a good idea but why would any woman spend money on things that a man who likes you would do in order to remind herself that she’s going to be okay? It’s like a vibrator without batteries. No return on investment. Forgive my ignorance but I can’t see how sending yourself flowers helps you get over a breakup. Flowers aren’t cheap. So you lighten your bank account to look at something in your home that your ex would have sent, but didn’t. But yes, you are liberated!

Viva l’azaleas.

S

W

I

T

C

H

But ladies there’s hope. Apparently there’s a woman shortage in China - to the tune of about 32 million. You see, China has a one child-rule for certain peoples. And since female infanticide is an accepted part of culture due to the preference for male children, the Chinese done f*cked themselves (is this a pun?) out of the poonany. So ladies if you don’t feel like spending the money on a breakup kit from Pink Kisses you can go to China and find you a Chinaman. I’m sure they’ll be fighting over you hand and fist. That’s not a pun as I’m not saying all Chinamen are kungfu warriors, because they’re totally not. But I do know one thing, with that kind of shortage, there will be more wangs fighting of your sisters than you could shake a cat at.

What say you people, is the Pink Kisses thing a good or bad idea? OR is it a much needed tool to help women overcome a breakup? Guys, if there was a man version of this, perhaps with manly things in it, would you ever consider something like that to help boost your esteem…if nobody would ever find out about it?

And most importantly, ladies, would YOU date a Chinaman?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka 40 P aka VITAMIN P aka GO KING BEEF aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3