Tag Archives: breakups

Man, That’s Some Stalker Sh*t

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Faith??!!!! Faith!!!?????????!

If you ask anybody who has ever been accused of stalking if they were, indeed, a stalker, they’ll immediately look at you as if you’ve got three breasts (whether you are a man or a woman) and tell you that they aren’t stalkers…they were just on a quest for the truth!

See stalkers aren’t really bad people. No. They’re created by the people that they, ya know, stalk. See all stalkers are actually just normal individuals who have been wronged or done dirty in some capacity. They are people who would be just happy to live normal everyday lives, but no, they came into contact with people who caused their inner investigator to erupt.

By the way, I don’t buy any of that. If you’re the type of person who engages in crazy behavior, its just who you are. I don’t give a f*ck if you think that its somebody else’s fault that you’ve been reduced to such. Grow the f*ck up and take some accountability for your own f*cksh*t, jackwagon.

Anyway, there are two different types of stalking. There is the stalking done by men and the stalking down by women.

Let’s explore the male stalkers first. My guess – and this is purely based on my opinion – is that men who are stalkers are far more likely to engage in actual illegal activities. You know, blatant harassment and intimidation…ya know, textbook stalker sh*t. Like a man will be waiting outside your house with one of those Stevie J faces on and rubbing his hands talking about a damn bus. You know, the type of sh*t that makes you not only want to call the police but start packing a gun. A male stalker will send you flowers to tell you that he loves you…every day of the week including Sundays and cause everybody else around you to fear for their own lives. A male stalker will likely get you fired. Because male stalkers are criminals in wait, just waiting for a reason to actually try out prison.

Yes, I’m inclined to believe that a male stalker is actually the kind that will stab you to death. Oh, and why is he stalking? I forgot that part all together. He doesn’t believe that you were where you said you were going to be or that you were with who you said you were with so he scares the f*ck out of you THEN tries to let you know he loves you through random gestures RIGHT before he scares the f*ck out of you again.

A male stalkers truth is proving what he believes, that he can’t trust you.

Then we move to the more cunning of the stalker kingdom – the female stalker. I’ll never believe that men or women are any smarter than the other. However, when it comes to cunning and vindictiveness, well, you cannot underestimate a woman “scorned”. For instance, women will dance all over the inappropriate line and crip walk really close to the illegal line but never really quite get there. Well, not until they are ready to take their stalker game to the Lifetime Channel. Basically, see A Thin Line Between Love and Hate. Women will search out every legal means that they can take to find out whatever they can. They’ll be all up in your social media and get their friends involved who somehow think that all of it makes sense. Women aren’t as likely to sit outside and wait at your front door (though in some cases they will) because they do fear the police and at least realize that the police can get involved (a fear that men don’t seem to have…we dumb).

And why do female stalkers exist? Well, simply because women need to know what happened because there has to be an answer. It can’t merely be the dude just sucks, there has to be some reason that the dude sucks to her in particular. Women believe in aggressive discovery in hopes of finding the truth. And if there’s room for some revenge in there then perhaps (depending on how much she actually has to lose in life) she may partake.

See, stalkers, both male and female are under the tremendous pressure of understanding and attempting to ensure that they are not without information. It’s the reason why people go through great lengths (and often insane from the outside looking in) for peace of mind. Which must be irony considering that the peace of mind of a stalker relies heavily on the complete disruption of another person’s life.

At the end of the day, and with that being said, stalking is bad. But those who stalk are people just like everybody else and aren’t necessarily bad. Misguided? Perhaps, but mostly people who have been placed at an information disadvantage. It’s not stalking. It’s aggressive discovery of the truth.

Yeah, okay.

Anyway, since we’ve all (and I do mean damn near everybody) has had some experience with somebody doing some level (mild = random text messages to extreme = showing up at your door and sh*t) of stalking, what are the main differences between men and women when it comes to our stalker game? And who is better and more effective, men or women and why?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. 3,2, MURDER 1, LYRICS AT YOUR DOOR aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

For the DMVers: This Saturday in DC is a big day! First, it’s the Morehouse vs. Howard Reunion Classic Football Game where the Maroon Tigers of Morehouse face off against the Bison of Howard. And later that night is REMINISCE!!! It’s a game-afterparty BUT it’s also our one year anniversary! We’re gonna do some fun customer appreciation things and still keep up the good times. It’s FREE before 11pm with RSVP, with an open bar from 930 to 1030, and there’s no dress code!! Come party like its 1999 with VSB P and hopefully Champ as well. This party promises to be a good one!!! Come thru and hang with the kids! RSVP for free entry @ http://reminiscedc.eventbrite.com

 

 

Non-Motherf***ing Ex Factor?

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Confusion? Exactly.

One of the most common dating conversations that occurs revolves around whether or not men and women can ever truly be friends. While the answer to that is clearly debatable and largely depends on whether or not you believe in the butterfly effect (what?), the pendulum swings way harder towards “hell no” once you include the modifier, “friends with an ex.”

Apparently the likelihood of remaining friends with an ex is slim to none. Not to say that it can’t happen. I am good friends with an ex of mine and that relationship is purely platonic. I also know other people who have remained friends (platonically) with exes. It’s just not the norm and even my relationship with my ex took some time to get to that “we’re okay point” and I’m fairly certain that she lead the way there. We had a pretty horrendous breakup and both of us had to grow as people in order for us to get to the point we are now, but her reaching out and extending the olive branch that I would have likely been too afraid to extend myself cemented that friendship.

All of this came up at the recent Washington Post panel that was hosted by Rahiel Tesfamariam of Urban Cusp and I. We delved into a discussion about friendships with exes and I posited that most breakups didn’t end amicably and if a woman was maintaining a frienship with her ex soon after it was because she wanted the relationship to pick back up. If a dude was, it’s because he was still trying to hit.

What’s odd to me is that if you asked most people why it’s not likely to be friends with an ex, you rarely get good reasons. It always comes down to, “you just can’t” or some variation of that. People in relationships, both romantic and non-romantic, go through all types of non-sense. Hell, much of it is similar to the types of relationship ups and downs you go through. Granted, in a relationship you’re putting your whole heart on the line so the pain of disappointment is worse, but quite obviously, the great destroyer of future friendship is sex. Apparently, “sex changes everything.”

Hi. My name is Panama Jackson and I’m Captain Obvious.

But here’s the kicker…why does sex change everything? Yes, I realize that once you cross that threshold with somebody there’s no going back. And the only way you can maintain the pre-smang status quo is if you have two people who are ’bout that life who either have too much pride to be affected or are too new to the smang game to realize that they’re supposed to catch feelings.

So while beef and longterm personal disappointment can cause a relationship to crash and burn I don’t feel like that’s something that can’t be worked out and/or talked about at some point (not necessarily right away), but why does the addition of sex change all the stakes? Why is it that two people who have seen one another naked have such trouble overcoming the friendship hurdle post-breakup? And hell, would two people who hadn’t smanged be able to maintain a friendship? These things keep me up at night.

Of course, I do realize that some people just don’t like the person that they’ve ended the relationship with – which is likely the cause of the breakup. Some people can’t be friends for this reason, and others because crossing that romantic threshold either means that they have to get married or not speak to each other ever again. In my own personal dating history, I’m still really good friends with two exes (though I only actively keep up with one) and I have a few that I haven’t spoken to since we broke up for various reasons: personal safety (seriously), irreconcilable differences, mutual disdain, etc. But short of disdain, growth and maturity should make anything overcomeable (MLK did not die for me to butcher his rally cry….oh well), yet, I realize that at the end of the day, the likelihood of being friends with most exes just isn’t in the cards. (There’s also the more simple “I just don’t want to” reason which could probably take care of the entire argument as well).

So here’s my question: is it possible to be REAL friends with an ex? If so, how did you make that happen? If not, is it because sex changes everything…and why does sex change everything any way? VSB…what say you?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I AIN’T CALLING HER SHE STOLE MY BIKE aka GIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

You Right, Boo: How to Get Kicked To The Curb On Your Own Terms

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I was drunk and it was my birthday anyway.

Here at VSB, we aim to provide as much help as we can. And most, if not all of it, is intended to bring peace on Earth and goodwill towards men (or women). It is Christmas time after all. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling all Trans-Siberian orchestrated.

Canons to the…nevermind.

Ahem.

Despite all of the salvation, all help doesn’t have to be of the warm and fluffy variety. Sometimes you need help getting out of bad situations where nobody wins, except for the person who gets out of the situation (it makes sense if don’t think about it). But here’s the thing, NOBODY likes being the bad guy. Sometimes, for better or worse, you have to create an opportunity where one doesn’t exist.

Nothing sucks more than being stuck in a relationship you don’t want to be in. So here are some ways to get out of one without having to be the bad guy/gal; created opportunities, if you will.

1. Say “I love you” too soon

Nothing pushes people away faster than being TOO far along in your feelings in a relatively short amount of time. So yes, this only works within the first few months of dating. But say you realize that you’re not really feeling the Becky you’re dating. Or say Jamal is just a little bit more needy than you like, but its clear that you’re both “into” one another but not attached enough to cry if you all “broke up”. Just say you love them during a deep convo and I’ll bet you see more backpedaling and “I’m busy” texts than Herman Cain being asked if there was a white woman he didn’t smang.

By the way, this ONLY works with rational people. Know your audience.

2. Move

Not move across the city; no, move states. Skip town. But let them know that you have to leave and that you can’t fathom the idea of a long distance relationship and you want them to be free because you care about them enough to not want to trap them into frustration. Wow, that’s actually a pretty good line. Use it. And then just use me up.

3. Become extremely needy and clingy (cousin to “I love you”)

We’re talking stage-5 clinger here too. Once again, this generally only works on emotionally stable people. Everybody loves space, even married people. If you can’t take being with your guy/gal anymore and need a quick out for which they do the kicking…literally become their shadow. Always want to be where they are or where they’re going. Don’t do anything too stalkerish or crazy because then you might end up on a website (hey Mike, welcome to VSB) or the local news. Do just enough to be needy, but not enough for them to really be able to talk to others about you in a way where people say you’re crazy. Do you know why? Because he/she probably has hot friends who might make for great rebounds.

4. Start doing whatever it is that they hate

They hate a certain cologne? Start wearing it and then refuse to change for them. They hate that you are a flirt? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I mean, keep flirting. Give them a reason to kick you to the curb. But once again, only do so much as to be a problem, don’t actually do anything wrong. Karma is a cold-hearted b*tch. The key here is consistency. You can’t let up. You’ve got to become annoying while maintaining your charm in case you meet somebody while you’re out annoying your significant other.

5. Talk about your future together, but keep contrasting it with their hopes

They don’t want children? So sad because you want at least four. The Walton’s were your model family and you’d like to keep tradition alive. They want to live in the suburbs? Not you kicko, it’s all 1 bedroom condos and alley-view love. They want to start a business and get rich? F*ck that, you’re about Occupy somebody’s street as soon as you get off work. Basically, your goal here is to make them realize there’s no plausible future with you. It works.

Now, since you know I’d walk a thousand miles so I could just see you, I’m curious as to what other ways might be plausible to help push along a breakup without being the bad guy? While it is indeed cuffing season right now, some people are out there making BAD decisions on who they mess with. Let’s do a service towards that goodwill towards mankind.

Help your friends out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GETGULLY aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Who The F**k Is This, Callin’ Me At 546 In The Morning: The Breakup

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Girl, I don't want no scrubs either! What's a scrub? Giiiiiirl a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. Mmhmm. I know right. No more waterfalls for him. Creep.

Last week, I woke up to a missed phone call from a homegirl of mine. Now, I wake up at 6am and generally go to sleep around midnight. Which means that this call either came in during booty call hours or “something bad happened” hours.

This particular call came in at 506am. Which is “something bad happened” hours. Except I looked at the name on the caller ID and realized two things:

1. She’s not family or apart of my closest immediate circle of friends so she’s likely not calling me about a tragedy.

2. This isn’t somebody I’ve talked to on the phone in quite some time but still considers me a good friend.

I knew immediately that given who it was, she must have had an issue with her boyfriend and it was bad enough to completely disregard all rules of decorum and cause her to call me at 5 motherf*cking AM. One thing I’ve learned about women over time is that when something happens, you all HAVE to speak on it. To somebody. Somebody HAS to listen to it. It can’t stay in your head or you’ll die. Or at least be mostly dead on some Princess Bride steez. The worst part is, when I called her back, she told me that she waited to call me.

Which means that this ninja had been going through a slow death WAITING to call me to talk to me about what had happened with her and her boyfriend and 5am was the point she couldn’t take it anymore. Interestingly, I’m one of them guys that often gets those phone calls from his boobed friends. I can’t tell you how many early morning phone calls I’ve received from homegirls of mine sobbing through the phone. Odd since it’s not like I’m particularly encouraging at 4, 5, or 6am. In fact, I’m usually trying to figure out the best way to get you OFF the phone since, well, the facts of this case aren’t going to change so discussing this at noon won’t really change much.

Guys don’t do this. It’s not that we won’t call our boys to tell him that we broke up, but we definitely ain’t calling the homey at 5am to tell him. We’ll sleep it off and tell the homeys later. See, our after-breakup decorum is different.

So here are some after breakup methods of men and women:

Men -

1) Go the strip club

I don’t know what it is about seeing T & A after a breakup that makes us feel better…EVEN IF YOU’VE BEEN CHEATING. Men are some odd ducks. I got a homeboy who cheated on his girl so much (we all found out later) that going to a strip club was nothing short of ironic.

2) Go the reg’lur club and spend way more money than we should

Guys are escapist in nature. Something bad happens personally, we go straight for temporary distractions. I’ve worked at the club on nights when we had “Freedom Parties” for dudes who just got single. Except the newly-single dude never looked as happy as his boys seemed. Which means his boys were single and he just lost his woman. Menfolks, believe it or not, do not like losing our women.

3) Try to fall into some new tang

If women ever need proof of how easy it is for men to get some stank, the after-breakup-head-clearing-smang is proof. Either there is a union out there of women whose specific job is to be the rebound smangee or sympathy is the best aphrodisiac EVER.

Notice very few of these have anything to do with talking it out. That happens muuuuuuuuch later in manworld. We’re more destructive obviously.

Women -

1) Call somebody immediately after the breakup occurs, even if that means 3am

Anybody ever notice that breakups never happen at convenient hours? It’s always mad late which sucks for the friends of the woman because she’s going to call SOMEBODY (as alluded to before).  Men and women both do this, but women in greater number; a pissed off woman doesn’t care about your inconvenience. You don’t answer the phone at midnight and she’s gonna call until you do even if that means she has to stay up all night. Word to the wise evil men out there: by not answering the phone when your pissed off girl calls, you are DIRECTLY responsible for ruining somebody else’s evening. Because that scorned woman is GOING to call somebody until somebody answers. She might start calling hospitals. Synagogues. Your mama’s house. Your grandma’s house. Your friend’s houses. If she has actually landline phone numbers…she’ll use those instead of cells. Then you’ll have MORE pissed off people. Just answer the damn phone.

2) Call homegirls together to talk about it, usually in bash-that-man-and-uplift-your-girl situation

Not that there’s anything wrong with this. This party is even better if it includes the “To The Left Mixtape”, a playlist full of uplifting songs for women, by women like “Irreplaceable” “Best Thing I Never Had” “Hit ‘Em Up Style” “Down For My Ni**as” “Marvin’s Room” and in a surprising twist of irony, “Best I Ever Had”. You know, Drake makes theme music for broken up women.

3) Make some dramatic change

Bulldoze a home. Cut her hair. Move to Africa with Nas and T-Boz. Go back to get another PhD in Environmental Justice with a concentration in Lower-Income Communities and Guam. Collect seashells by the seashore then write a coffee-table book. Start a company.

Women can be amazingly productive in tragedy. While most men do great things in hopes of impressing a woman, I think the only man to do something great because of a break up was Mark Zuckerberg.

Anyway, what are the other different ways that men and women deal with breakups? What were YOUR methods of dealing? Let’s heal today. It’s Monday.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HEALERMAN, PANAMA! aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

VSB Family Note: Whether you all know it or not, we have a lot of talented individuals doing various things frequenting and commenting on VSB. One of those individuals, commenter Eazy, recently released his third album, Moonlighter’s Mindstate, which features the first ever VSB Interlude. Yes, we got a shoutout on somebody’s album. Head on over to his bandcamp page and get the man’s album for free and support the VSB community.

The Other Foot: When Men Seek Closure

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Sometimes when life gets you down, you just need p*ssy and a violin guitar.

It’s common knowledge that women more or less suck at rejection. Most women are so discerning (yes, this is debateable…so is yo’ mama) about their romantical decisions up front that the very idea that a man who was chosen would decline their advances causes women to come down with a mad case of the Bee Gees. And anybody who’s ever had the BeeGees knows that you do not want the BeeGees.

Obviously, men are on the other end of that spectrum. I just got rejected twice since I started writing this and I couldn’t care less; I make it do what it do. Also, women tend to be big on closure and men, well, we just go bang new women and pretend not to have any feelings about the previous relationship. This tends to work well for society and mankind since, again, we all know that emo men might kill you. It’s really all about self-preservation, truth, justice, and the American way.

Well, there are actually some situations where men don’t know how to handle rejection AND seek closure. I know, boohissboo. While most men would just rather move on and pretend a certain chick didn’t exist and then holler at  her sorority sister, every now and again comes some woman where sh*t just went so haywire that the dude is left scratching his head.

You need an example don’t you? Yes, I think you do.

Many moons ago, a  young Pan (my game has grown, prefer you call me Panama) was seeing  a young lady. They hit it off famously and excitedly set out to do things that ninjas who hit it off famously do. They ate out. They looked at ducks together. They didn’t even have to use their AKs. It’s like everyday was a good day.  Mind you, Young P Da Fly Thief actually liked this particular woman so he did things that ninjas who like particular women do. He was nice. He did sweet things. Chaka Khan. When he did hoodrat things with his friends, he invited her along.

Then one day, poof vamoose, son of a b*tch. Now that’s not completely true. There was an incident of sorts and to explain it would possibly implicate no less than 12 Guatemalans, three Deltas and Obama. But in all honesty, I, Panama Jackson, was completely innocent. Basically, she messed up royally in such a way that I was forced to take a few steps back and truly evaluate whether or not I wanted to continue forward. She knew it. I knew it.

So what happens?

She iggs me ALL the way out. She disappeared on me. You ain’t neva seen a ninja get more gon’ then this ninja got gon’. Kind of like Ron Isley in Tax Court, I was so confrused. It made no sense, especially since I extended an olive branch so that we could move forward amicably…at least as friends, and perhaps more though that piece was going to take some work. Here’s the kicker, I wasn’t sure if this ninja really was into me for real for real as a boytoy anyway. So technically, it seems like we were all good. But nope. This ninja kicked me to more curbs than a concrete company.

It was almost some Boomerang sh*t except nobody got played. As opposed to a woman being stuck on a dude wondering why he vanished, it was me trying to understand. I went to various women that I knew to gain some insight and all of them gave me some variation of the same answer: she was interested and realized she blew it so she just quit you before she got even more caught up. Self-preservation so to speak. That’s all well and good except…isn’t that the same sh*t women get mad at men for doing? And you know when men’s feelings get hurt, one woman doesn’t pay, the next ten women will pay.

Point is, for the first time in my long-legged life, I needed some closure AND took the rejection personal since until she f*cked up, we were getting along…famously. Oh, and she messed up, not me. Dat hurt very much. Now, this was years ago and I’m a much more coldhearted murderer than I was back then, no matter what Champ says (my ni**a, did you call me thoughtful and sensitive? – f*ck everybody). But that situation reminded me that every so often, men do look for that very closure that women swear we never seek. Did I ever get it? No. I recently saw this woman and we chopped it up for a second and I wanted so badly to ask her what happened but my ego and pride prevented me from doing so. I guess she was the best thing I never had. And yes, Virginia, that was intentional.

So let’s talk about closure today. Ladies, do you ever come across men looking for closure in your previous relationships? Fellas, have you ever sought out closure from a particular woman when things didn’t go right?

And synopsisize deez ladies, why do YOU think she bailed on me? And I promise you don’t need more context. No cheating, she just pulled a cardinal sin. And resist the temptation to ask what it was that she did even though I know its burning to know what happened.

Oh, and close deez.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GRAND OPENING GRAND CLOSING P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

After you read this, mosey on over to Guyspeak where Panama wonders about how true to life Beyonce’s video for “Best Thing I Never Had” is in an article entitled, Ladies, Is Your Ex ALWAYS On Your Mind?