10 Reasons Why I’m Kind Of A Bad Person

As many of you know, I’ve been cat sitting for a few months now. In fact, as I’m typing this, he’s in my living room, stalking, hunting, and murdering an empty bottle of Advil. As cats go, I guess he’s not a particularly bad cat. I mean, we all know that cats are inherent assholes, but he’s no more assholely than most other cats.

Still, he does occasionally annoy me — like waking me up in the morning by sitting three inches away from my face and staring at me until I open my eyes — and since he does occasionally annoy me, I do things to annoy him back. For instance, the next time he walks near me, I’m going to pour a tiny bit of this Aquafina I’m drinking right now into my hands, and sprinkle it on him. When I do this, he’s going to straighten up, turn his head around to see where the water came from, and walk back into my living room. I will laugh, and I will not feel the least bit bad about said laughter.

Does this make me a bad person? Probably not. Am I a bad person? Well, you should probably wait until you see the rest of the shitty things I regularly do with no remorse before answering.

2. When on Gchat, I type “brb” even when I have absolutely no intention on coming back any time soon

Why? Well, it’s just easier to do this instead of going through the whole “bye’ process. I guess I could just get up and leave, but that would be rude.

3. I think nothing of changing my order while I’m at the drive-thru window

What? Just because I wanted a junior bacon cheesburger 45 seconds ago doesn’t mean I still want one now.

4. I drink straight from the containers and cartons…at other people’s houses

Not all other people’s, but, well, I’m not going to say exactly who because they might be reading this and might not invite me back to their place

5. If there’s a long line while I’m grocery shopping, I will begin to eat some of my food

You haven’t lived until you made a turkey sandwich with lettuce, mayo, black pepper, and tomatoes while the other people in line are equal parts disgusted at the display, amazed by your boldness, and upset that they didn’t think of it first

6. If playing basketball and there’s someone who happens to be open but I don’t want them to shoot, I’ll pass the ball to them in a way that messes up their rhythm and forces them to give the ball back to me

A win/win for all because I don’t have to hear them bitch about not getting the ball when they were open, and the team doesn’t have to suffer while his shitty shooting ass hits the side of the backboard with a fadeaway

7. If at a bar and buying a drink for a woman I know, I’ve been known to take a sip of it first before handing it over

As shitty as this seems, no one has ever seemed to mind this. Not sure if this says more about me or the women I know

8. I’m becoming progressively racist

Not in a dangerous or malicious way, but in a 69 year old Black uncle “I’ll take you to the cookout with me as long as you promise to remember that his name is “James” and not “Kung-Pow” way

9. I have no problem with, um, “multitasking” while on the phone

Tasks include (but aren’t limited to): Eating, peeing, brushing my teeth, sleeping, typing, typing with one hand, showering, taking shits, and taking showers.

10. I occasionally pee in the shower…while I have shower company

As long as you have good aim and can hit the drain with minimal splash residue, it’s not really that big of a deal.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me today. I know I’m not alone, though. Can any of you relate? Are there any somewhat, but not really all that shitty things you do on a regular basis and have absolutely no remorse about them?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Hey young world,

VSB has two great events coming up in the next few days. Be prepared to get your RSVP on!!!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2012

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First up is REMINISCE, the party brought to you by VSB x SHINE ON ME x TOMMIE COLLINS x JOLLY MAN. It’s all 90s music and we party like its 1999 all day ery day, any day every damn day. So we be thinkin’ ’bout them good old days, when we were some whipper snappers…we used to try to get a kiss but now it be them drawz we after…word to big bird.

FREE BEFORE 11PM WITH RSVP (http://reminiscedc.eventbrite.com)

OPEN BAR FROM 930-1030PM and NO DRESS CODE

2001 11th Street, NW (corner of 11th and U Street)

Again, RSVP here: http://reminscedc.eventbrite.com

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2012

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VSB x URBAN CUSP x IMPACT DC x THE ROOT DC x WPGC bring you an Election Night Watch Part at The Washington Post from 7pm-1am (ya know, assuming our guy – or your guy – wins)

There will be food drink, a panel discussing the returns and some music. Substantive yet festive AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.

It’s FREE. Just RSVP HERE: http://wapowatchparty.eventbrite.com