5 Times It’s Perfectly Okay Not To Fight For Your Woman

32d88__6d4fce79

“Would and could he fight for me?”

It’s a question that somehow manages to be completely relevant and completely irrelevant at the same damn time.

It’s relevant because it’s never not at least a consideration when a woman is deciding whether she wants to commit to a man. Perhaps “Would and could he protect me?” isn’t the first question she asks herself, but she’ll definitely ask herself that question.

It’s irrelevant because, well, no one actually gets into fights. Actually, lemme rephrase that. Some adults still do get into fights. But it’s a very small percentage of us. And, the 7% of adults who still somehow get into fights at least once every other month probably make up 97% of the adult fight total between themselves. If you asked one of the 93% when the last time they get into a serious fist fight was, I bet most answers would fall between 5th grade and “That time in 9th grade when I thought that I was big enough to talk back to my dad. I was wrong.”

Earlier this week, Keyshia Cole became one of the few adult women to have that question answered for her, as her husband—former Cavs guard Daniel “Boobie” Gibson—broke the jaw of a man who reportedly “disrespected” her in some way.

Considering the fact that Gibson is a free agent—and considering the fact that Cole hasn’t had a hit single since the last season of Scrubs—getting into a fight and potentially jeopardizing a new contract probably wasn’t the smartest move. How else do they expect to cover their monthly tattoo bills?

Still, if Gibson legitimately felt that Cole was threatened, no one would seriously begrudge his jaw breaking. It’s his husbandly duty and shit. But, is there ever a situation where your girl/woman/wife/concubine is disrespected in some way and you’re actually not supposed to fight for her? Of course!

In fact, here are five of them!

1. If she kinda, sorta, had it coming. 

Lemme put it this way: If I’m at a club, and I see some dude push my girl and call her a “bitch,” we are going to have a serious physical problem.

But, if my girl happens to be Evelyn Lozada-ish, and she’s talking shit, throwing drinks, and spitting in people’s faces for no reason, and I happen to see one of the guys who she spit on push her and call her a “bitch,” we are going to have a…conversation. And then we are going to leave. And then I am going to stop at a gas station. And then I am going to ask her to get me a pack of Now & Laters. And then I am going to drive off and leave her there.

2. If you’re definitely going to lose…badly.

Look, I can handle one Kimbo Slice. And by “handle one Kimbo Slice” I mean “sucker punch and run from a Kimbo Slice.” (And yes, I would expect my girl to keep up with me. What’s the point of being in Black Girls Run if you don’t take it literally?)

But, if my girl comes over to me upset that some dudes disrespected her, and she points to a table of three Kimbo Slices and three “Comb That Nigga’s Chest Hair” dudes, I figure a slight scowl in their direction is an appropriate response.

3. If you’re definitely going to win.

If you’re 6’5 and 350 pounds and the Kevin Hart doppelganger at the bar calls your girl a bad name, he’s actually putting you in a no-win situation. You can’t put your hands on him, cause you’ll be a lame for fighting a dude half your size. But, you can’t not do something either.

My advice? Just pull out your dick, with your arms extended outward in the “Ta-Da!” pose. Hopefully this’ll shame him into silence. (This also has obvious backfire potential, but you have to do something, right?)

4. If you’ve been wanting to break up with her for some time, but haven’t had the opportunity or guts to do it.

Usually, men in this predicament try to sabotage the relationship by cheating and hoping he’ll get caught. But, why do that and expose her to all types of STDs? Just let her get disrespected in front of you, and let her get mad enough at you that she ends it. Now, you’ve rid yourself of a problem and you saved her from syphilis. It’s a win win.

5. If you’re busy.

It’s not your fault she picked the 4th quarter of game seven of the NBA finals to get disrespected. She needs to learn that if she wants a good defense, she needs better timing.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Why You Should Never Say “Boyfriend” (or “Girlfriend”) Again

[***LATE BREAKING ADMIN NOTE: Tune in this Sunday night, March 6, 2011,  at 11pm to Weekly with Ed Gordon on BET as Panama Jackson represents for VSB and talks with Ed about our first book and various facets of relationships. I'm pretty sure Steve Harvey also got mentioned. Oh, and Brick killed a guy. Also, VSB was recently written up in The Washington Post by reporter Erin Williams for this Sunday's print edition. Peep the article here. WaPo and BET...slow week at VSB. Thanks for putting us in a position for these things to even happen for us. We truly appreciate it. ***]
 

The gentleman caller

***I originally touched on this topic a couple years ago, but a couple recent developments inspired me to revisit and revise***

Several weeks ago, one of my homegirls told me that the dude she’s currently dating referred to himself as her boyfriend for the first time. After we had a solemn moment of silence to honor the passing of her perpetual singledom, the conversation quickly segued into a full-fledged discussion about the complete and utter weirdness of the words “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” — the generic terms most people use to describe an exclusive and non-married significant other.

Why are these words so weird? Well, how strange is it that the title your six-year old niece would give the kid who flirts by throwing erasers at her in homeroom is the exact same title a 50 year old divorcee grandmother would use to refer to the plumber she met at a Promise-Keepers conference in Kansas City?

Obviously, I’m disturbed by this. So disturbed, in fact, that I’ve decided to devote today to an examination of many of the most popular terms used for non-married significant others. Hopefully, we can come to a final consensus about which is the most appropriate, and hopefully this consensus will spread. (And, um, if you don’t think we have the power to start trends, try googling “Tyler Perry Love Jones” when you get a minute)

“boyfriend”

–The common generic term for a non-married significant other (male), but the “boy” involved gives it a bit of a juvenile feel. Sure “boyfriend” is cool when you’re 14, double dating at Dave and Busters and fantasizing about a possible extended finger bang in the backseat of an older brother’s Buick Lesabre, but it just sounds wrong to think about a 45 year old woman asking her boyfriend to rub her feet so she won’t get the gout.

 “girlfriend”

–Also a common generic term, but black women’s selfish need to steal “girlfriend” instead of just inventing another word for the people they dread going to Sunday brunch with have made it too ambiguous. We need some unambiguousness.

“mate”

–Too vanilla. Also, since “mating” is one of the proper ways of saying “f*king,” isn’t saying “my mate” the same as saying “my f*ck?” A bit presumptuous if you ask me.

“manfriend”

–Just sounds too old and too creepy. I can’t tell if it’s a term for a man a woman’s in a relationship with or Wendy Robinson’s euphemism for a vibrator.

“ladyfriend”

–Whenever I hear this term I think about some 45 year old divorced chick named Shirley that works at Blue Cross/Blue Shield, drives a Cavalier with a leopard interior, and smokes Newports. Also, if you can find a way to ignore the pre and post coital coughing, she’ll probably also have the best p*ssy you’ll ever have.

I actually think that all 45 year old women who still date should just be referred to as “Shirleys.”

“significant other”

–Eh. Along with being too formal, it’s entirely too misleading. I mean, what if you’re just exclusively dating and sleeping with this cat, but the relationship and the person really aint all that significant to you? If significant other does eventually replace boyfriend and girlfriend, do you reserve the right to change it to “aside from his uncanny resemblance to a tripod, I couldn’t give a gotdamn less about this n*gga other?”

“gentleman caller”

–While well-intentioned, gentleman caller just can’t escape the date-rapey vibe it gives off. Whenever I see this I think of a character Clifton Powell would play.

“partner”

–Along with “rainbow” and “hummus,” gay people ruined this word for everybody else.

“man”

–Too possessive sounding, and too stupid sounding when any woman under 30 uses it.

“woman”

–Just like “man,” “woman” only works with somebody you’ve had sex with at least 1,200 times.

“my girl”

–Although flawed, “my girl” remains my favorite. It sounds a bit more intimate than girlfriend, and also lets the person you’re referring to know they’re your n*gga as well as the person they’re having monkey matrix sex with. Trust me: a man probably won’t refer to a woman he’s sleeping with as “My girl” unless she passes the V Test.

“my boy”

–Although my girl and my boy hold semantic similarities, they don’t have the same connotation. There is nothing that says “Yeah, Charlie Sheen has a better chance of giving a toast at Chuck Lorre’s grandson’s Bar Mitzvah than this cat has of sleeping with me” better than a chick referring to a guy she’s seeing as “my boy.

bf” and “gf”

–Great for text, but they both just sound too impersonal. Plus, “bf” sounds too close to “bm,” and no one whats to be referred to on a consistent basis with something that sounds a euphemism for sh*tting.

“my lady”

–Would work if not for the fact that America hasn’t housed an actual “lady” since 1983.

“wifey”

The shelf life on using “wifey” in an unironic sense expired in 2001.

“my chick/dude

—This is a bit too Mid-Atlantic-ey. Fine for me, but I like to keep things simple for the southerners. I’m considerate like that.

“my earth/God/goddess/queen/king/power u/spirit/field/galaxy/soulmate/vision”

—Shut the f*ck up.

Ok. I’m stuck. With the exception of the admittedly lukewarm “my girl,”  none of these terms seem to work.

People of VSB: What do you think? Can you think of a term or two that should be the definitive non-married significant other title from this day forth?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

lost in translation: what men usually hear when women are talking to us

in his most devoted attempt to fight crime, the champ debuted the compass in may, providing the women of vsb with an infallible guide to decipher what men really mean when we’re talking to them. despite his efforts, crime has continued and nicky minaj is still alive, heart-breaking facts inspiring the champ to clear the lines of communication a bit more with the vsb guide to what smart men usually hear when women are talking to us because sometimes the distance between what you say and what we actually hear is farther apart than shaq’s eyes.

“we need to talk…later” = “you know you done f*cked up, right? but, although i know what i need to talk at you about will probably take less than 5 minutes, i’m just going to let you linger in anticipation for the rest of the day for the upcoming guilt ridden tongue-lashing you’re going to receive about something you still have no idea you even did.”

“i miss you” = “bastard, if you dont at least tell me that you miss me back, we’re probably not having sex again until the browns win another game”

“do you think she’s attractive?” = “i need to know which types of women you find attractive so i can start hating them for no apparent reason. i’ll also need this info to limit your contact with any of my girlfriends who might favor them.”

“whats your name?”/”hi” *with a smile*/”hi” *without a smile*/*a smile*/*any positive non-verbal interaction from a female stranger* = “i want your babies”

“i have a really attractive friend who’d be great for you” = “my friend has eight cats. five of them are better looking than she is, and, according to her last boyfriend, one of them is actually better in bed”

“do you like my new hairdo?” = “since you haven’t said anything about it yet, i’m assuming you hate it. but, if you say you like it, i’ll know you’re lying. basically, you’re f*cked.”

“how was your day?” = “did anything happen to you today that i can somehow segue into a 17 minute tangent about myself?”

“i have a boyfriend” = either “try harder” or “no offense, but i think you’re a homosexual”. no in-between.

(from a girlfriend) “i’m going out with my girls tonight” = “i’m going to go out, flirt with a ton of men, accept a bunch of free drinks, dance with my girls, grind with a couple guys like an extra in a freekey zekey video, and come home and take out all of my drunken sexual energy on you. you should be very happy with this arrangement”

“i usually get along with men much better than i get along with women” = “i’m a ho. no, seriously. i’ve held more wangs than a chinese cemetery.”

“kim’s boyfriend just got a promotion. he’s doing really well” = “you’re not going to be broke forever, are you?”

“i’m not really that hungry right now. what are you in the mood for?” = “even though i said i’m not that hungry, i’m probably going to shoot down your first three suggestions. my advice? pick a restaurant without pictures on the menu”

“i’ve had a really stressful week” = “i want your babies…on my chest”

i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.

oh, and ladies, what gets lost in translation with us? what do you usually hear when we’re talking to you?

—the champ

mercy, mercy, me…please?: the four cruelest things women consistently do to men

cruel kerry

its a conspiracy. a c-o-n-spiracy.

you see, bobby brown was a prophet, a modern day nostradamus sent from God to warn us all of the merciless nature of the typical woman with his genius “don’t be cruel“. realizing this, the national council of cruel women siced a seemingly sweet-hearted whitney houston on him, stringing him out and making him lose sight of and forget his earthly purpose.

the very smart brothas at verysmartbrothas.com haven’t forgotten, though. taking the torch from grand minister brown, here’s the four cruelest things women consistently do to men

1. keeping friend-zoned guys around

not only are most women aware of the hapless friends they have who are patiently hoping for a never occurring opening, they have no problem with taking advantage of him once he’s in place…and giving him just enough of a tease of a potential opening to keep him there.

there are myriad ways that they do this, but my favorite is the wistfully nonchalant “i wish there were more guys were like you. why can’t i find a good man?” they’ll utter to the emasculated cat driving them to ikea so she can replace the bed her maintenance man just helped her break the night before

bastards.

2. asking loaded questions with no right answers

from “do you think i’m gaining weight?” to “do you find her attractive?”, women love asking men unanswerable questions more than fat asians love pumas. at this point, i either answer by repeating the question “why? do you think you’re gaining weight?” or just saying “jello”

3. flirting with happily attached men

seriously, i really think that they have clandestine national meetings underneath williams sonoma’s every other weekend to discuss which one of us are in a relationship (“at approximately 4:26 eastern standard time last sunday afternoon, james jackson of albany, new york proposed to his longtime girlfriend“), decide when and how exactly to attack (“he’s particularly vulnerable between 12:25 and 12:50 wednesday afternoons right before he has his lunch“), and delegate who’s going to be leading the charge (“kim, since he has a thing for leggy women and is particular about his cologne, we’re gonna need you to slide up to him in line at wendy’s this week and compliment his new kenneth cole black. he also has a thing for business women, so make sure to wear your bangingest pants suit. a slight french accent would be cool too, since he’s infatuated with haitian women“)

while this is extremely lecherous, it’s nowhere as bad as…

4. “the boyfriend”

the boyfriend is the name for the scenario that occurs when a man has spent an entire night talking to, laughing and dancing with, and getting to know a seemingly unbelievably compatible woman, only to be hit with the “hey, what type of movies do you like? i’m really into p*rn, tarentino flicks, scorsese, and old nba highlight films. i love spielberg  sometimes too, but not as much as my boyfriend does” right before he’s about to ask for her number.

bastards.

fellas, i know i’m missing a few. do you have any more examples of relentless cruelness you’d like to share? also, ladies, i need to know: why are you all so damn cruel? is it our fault, or did God just make you that way? is it nature, nurture, or the alcohol?

explain yourselves and sh*t

—the champ

whats in a name?

recently, a former f-buddy lazily platonic friend of the champ’s told me that the dude she’s currently dating referred to himself as her boyfriend for the first time. after i had a moment of silence for another former team member taking advantage of their free agency clause, this conversation quickly segued into a full-fledged discussion about the complete and utter weirdness of that word, and the fact that despite the complete and utter weirdness, people continue to use it.

boyfriend” and “girlfriend” are the generic terms most people use to describe an exclusive, non-married significant other, but really, how appropiate is it for a 50 year old divorcee grandmother to refer to the 56 year old plumber she met at a promise-keepers conference in kansas city that’s been laying pipe for the past couple of months as her effing boyfriend? what gives here? why do we continue to use such an inapplicable word with such extreme prejudice? why do i only seemingly care passionately about such inane subjects?

today, at the world famous vsb.com, the champ will discuss the merits and faults of a few of the different terms used for non-married significant others, hopefully eventually finding and agreeing on a term that can eventually replace boyfriend and girlfriend in our general lexicon.

“boyfriend”

–is the common generic term, but the “boy” involved gives it a bit of a juvenile feel. sure “boyfriend” is cool when you’re 14, double dating at dave and busters and fantasizing about a possible extended finger bang in the backseat of a minivan later on, but it just sounds wrong to hear a 35 year old women talking about “boning her boyfriend

***sidenote: unless, of course, said girlfriend is kenya moore, and said boyfriend is the champ, in which case, she could call the champ whatever the hell she pleased***

“girlfriend”

–also a common generic term, but black woman have made it too ambiguous. “girlfriend” could be anything from a man’s mate to a woman’s best friend drunken weekend carpet muncher. we need some unambiguousness. i like that word, unambiguousness. i think “unambiguousness” might even replace “lil champ” as the name for, ummm, “lil champ”.

“mate”

–too vanilla. also, since “mating” is one of the proper ways of saying “f**king” or “boning”, wouldn’t saying “my mate” be the same as saying “my f*ck” or “my bone”? wouldn’t that be a bit presumptious? doesn’t “mate” have a somewhat animalistic connotation? if sarah palin had a kid in the woods, would michelle malkin adopt it?

“manfriend”

–sounds like something my ex fiancee’s mom would say…and she’s 67.

“ladyfriend”

–whenever i hear this term i think about some 45 year old divorced chick named shirley that works at blue cross/blue shield, drives a cavalier with a leopard interior and smokes newports. i actually think that all 45 year old women who still date should just be referred to as “shirleys”

“significant other”

–eh. what if you’re just exclusively dating and sleeping with this cat, but the relationship and the person really aint that significant to you?

“gentleman caller”

–sounds too date-rapey for some reason. whenever i see this i think of a character michael beach would play

the gentleman caller, personified

the gentleman caller, personified

“partner”

–along with the raindow (a subject that panama wrote about like 8 years ago) gay people ruined this word for everybody else.

“man”

–too possessive. and, even though a 21 year old is technically a man, it sounds terrible to me when any chick younger than 30 refers to the guy she’s seeing as her “man”, to the point that just hearing the hook from nivea’s “dont mess with my man” used to invoke uncontrollable dry heaving

“woman”

–just like “man”, “woman” only works with somebody you’ve had sex with at least 200 times. men that refer to the woman they’re seeing as “my woman” probably are most likely to beat their women or cheat as well. of course, i have absolutely no concrete reason or proof for that determination…its just a hunch.

“my girl”

–this one is actually my favorite. it sounds a bit more intimate than “girlfriend“, and also lets the person know that they’re your n-word as well as the person theyre having monkey sex with. i dont think theres an age cut-off with this one as well. unfortunately…

“my boy”

–doesnt have the same connotation. there is nothing more platonic sounding than a chick refering to a guy she’s seeing as “my boy“. in fact, i have a theory that states that whenever a woman does do that, its a way of hinting that “you know, i’m with him and shit…but if something better came along, i’d drop him quicker than amil

bf” and “gf”

–great for text, but they both just sound too impersonal. plus, “bf” sounds too close to “bm”, and noone whats to be referred to on a consistent basis with something that sounds a euphemism for sh*tting.

“my lady”

–would work, except for the fact that at least 86 percent of the time, it would be a blatant lie

“wifey”

the shelf life on using “wifey” in an unironic sense expired in 2001.

“my chick/dude

—this is a bit too mid-atlantic-ey, which is fine for me, but i like to keep things simple for the southerners. i’m considerate like that.

“my earth/God/goddess/queen/king/power u/spirit/field/galaxy/soulmate/vision”

—shut the f**k up.

ok. i’m stuck. with the exception of “my girl” (which, admittedly, is more lukewarm than t.i.’s verse in “S.L.U.”) none of these terms seem to work. was i wrong? did i forget something? does this sh*t even matter? people of vsb.com, the champ needs his toast your help.

what do you think?

—the champ