One picture says 100,000 BBP words

The next time you happen across a few random BBP in the street or waiting in line at Target, ask them to do one of their favorite things: name a few qualities an ideal mate would possess. They will not volunteer this information—after all, BBP want others to believe they’re humble—but they won’t hesitate to provide it if prompted.

A few common themes will be found in these answers. Often, these themes are separated by gender. For instance, Bougie Black Girls seem to be preternaturally obsessed with worldliness. They won’t actually say “he must be worldly” though. Instead, they’ll make references to not being able to seriously date someone unless he owns a working passport. They’ll explain their need for prospective suitors to own passports by saying it shows a willingness to be open-minded.

This, naturally, is bullshit, as the main reason passports are a necessity is that it shows that the suitor has enough disposable income to make frequent trips abroad. But, they know how important it is to seem humble, and stressing “it probably means he’s open-minded” sounds a lot more humble than “it probably means he has money.”

Bougie Black Dudes, on the other hand, will often mention how much they love it when women have natural hair. This is not untrue. In relation to their need to be connected in some way to regular Blacks, BBP—men and women—have become infatuated with the concept of natural hair¹. Savvy Bougie Black Dudes, aware of this infatuation, know they’ll get “points” if heard expressing an affinity for weave and perm-less women.

But, they’ll conveniently leave out that this affinity usually only extends to conventionally attractive women with natural hair or women with “good” hair who have made the decision to go natural. Basically, either pretty women whose hair makes absolutely no difference with how pretty they are, or women whose natural hair is as soft and voluminous as weave tends to be.

There are some qualities, though, that both Bougie Black Girls and Bougie Black Dudes tend to have on their lists. One is “the ability to have “intelligent” conversations about “serious” topics.” The “serious” topic usually has something to do with the economy or the prison-industrial system or Asia or whichever other “smart” and “serious” topic is currently being discussed on The Root or MSNBC’s The Cycle. The reasons for this are pretty obvious. BBP want to be seen as “smart” and “serious,” and “need” to be with people who are equally “smart” and “serious” so they won’t feel self-conscious about taking them to company functions and Delta boat rides.

Yet, aside from BBP either employed by the federal government or looking to impress a future father-in-law, BBP very rarely actually have these “smart” and “serious” conversations, and—like most people—would be suspicious of and bored by someone who always did.

What they really want is someone who’s able to make intelligent points about very dumb shit. For BBP, “very dumb shit” = “most popular rap music” and (most importantly) “reality television shows featuring Black people living in New York, Atlanta, Miami, or L.A..”

That BBP are in love² with the holy trinity of Black reality television shows (Real Housewives of Atlanta, Basketball Wives, and Love and Hip-Hop) is perhaps the BBP’s worst-kept secret. For the uninitiated, each show revolves around a group of extremely well-coiffed 25 to 45 year old women who have weekly water-throwing battles to help stay in shape. At first glance, this doesn’t seem like the type of fare the image-conscious BBP would enjoy. But, while most of the women on these shows act, dress, and look like they’re from Mars, there are a few underlying themes many BBP can relate to. Who hasn’t been a concubine for an aging rapper at least once?

Also, BBP relish the opportunity to live vicariously through these characters, as it helps quench the urge to do “hoodrat things” like “fighting on a tiny boat” and “having kids before 30” that grad school and an undying fear of human resource professionals prevented them from doing.

With this appreciation for these shows, it’s no surprise they’re a frequent topic of conversation when BBP communicate with each other. But, while the subject matter is “stupid,” the conversations tend not to be, as you’re likely to hear some of the most lucid and cogent theories, arguments, and opinions you’ll ever hear from a BBP. Perhaps they’re not interested in explaining exactly what sequestration means, but give em three hours and they’ll be able to write a 2000-word deconstruction unpacking the parallels between John the Baptist and Nene Leakes.

The need to have these intelligent conversations about reality television shows featuring Black people comes from a simple place. Keeping up with these shows helps the BBP convince themselves they’re not too bougie to still understand and appreciate regular Black people—even if these characters tend to be more “faux bourgie” than “regular Black”—while the intelligent conversation reminds the BBP and anyone paying attention that “Hey, we enjoy and appreciate hoodrat things (from afar), but we’re still BBP!!!”

(If not buying any of this, remember that since Girlfriends no longer airs and there’s no Black equivalent of HBO’s Girls or Sex in the City, BBP don’t have much to choose from if wanting to see Black people on TV. Moral of the story: When all else fails, just blame White people.)

¹Ironically, although natural hair is one of the things BBP associate with being “authentically Black,” you’re much more likely to find a BBP with natural hair than a regular Black.

² Do not let the BBP convince you this love is ironic. It is not. It is both unironic and unconditional, and anyone doubting the depth of this love needs to just ask a random Bougie Black Girl “Which basketball wife are you?” and watch her spend three to five minutes happily explaining exactly why she’s more of a “Tammy” than an “Evelyn.”

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)