the dream team

point guard: zoe saldana


narrowly beats out circa “mo money” stacey dash for the starting point guard spot off the strength of her performance on mtv’s punk’d four years ago (click me!). i need some feistiness and loyalty out of my floor general, and that episode proves she has more than enough heart and iwishan*ggawouldness to captain a team

shooting guard: (pre-whatever the hell she’s been publicly diagnosed with) maia campbell


put it this way: there’s a reason why “trippin”, a flick which is basically what would happen if  tvone produced a soft p*rn afterschool special, is one of my favorite movies. well, that and the gratuitous nudity

small forward: (post monster’s ball, pre-baby) halle berry


makes the team even though i realize that putting halle berry on any top five list in 2009 is so cliche and unimaginative that even tyler perry would be like “damn. where the hell is the freakin nuance??” if he read this.

power forward: kenya moore


i’m convinced that her only purpose on earth is to show everybody how stupid atheists are because her presence is concrete proof that God exists¹

center: yaya dacosta


although i was tempted to put the vsb’s favorite cp-3, candace parker, on the roster because it might not be a bad thing to have at least one person who can actually play basketball on your basketball team, yaya prevails…even though i’m not even 100 percent certain she’s still alive

people of, its your turn. imagine that you and every entertainer or politician or athlete or excessively articulate black blogger from pittsburgh or whoever you’ve ever been attracted to is all of a sudden available, and pick your dream team, your all-time pop culture starting five

remember, time doesn’t matter. if you want to pick a post-brown sugar mos def, a pre-penitentiary t.i., or a pre-penitent mary magdalene, go right ahead.

the only caveat is that you have to name people that someone other than you has actually heard of, regardless of how tempted you might be to include the banging-ass border’s barista you met last week.

the carpet is yours and sh*t

¹i know. i know. i know. this statement was gayer than the easter bunny. blame it on the g-20

—the champ