Tag Archives: blackness

Tyler Perry Continues Plans To Destroy The World

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Are you read for 12-13 sequels?

Or at least I’m sure that’s how many people feel after the recent media reports that Tyler Perry and his movie distributor Lionsgate were in talks to bring Tyler Perry’s productions to a new medium, most likely by creating a new cable television network, TylerTV. I’ve seen people losing their sh*t on Twitter and I only read for like five minutes. I’m fairly certain that the majority of the Reading Black Folks Consortium of America collectively yelled “no” and prepared for more non-sense and nincompoopery hitting our airwaves on a 24/7 basis.

Except here’s the thing, what’s the big damn deal? No…really. What’s the big deal?

We’ve been through this before and I get it. Tyler Perry is the living embodiment of the word “conversate”. He’s everything that’s wrong that doesn’t know its wrong and continues on smiling and shucking and jiving anyway. I’m sure we’re going to see some television shows that we never even knew that we never wanted to see. In fact, here are a few shows that have the potential to show up on TylerTV amid the objections of, well, everybody:

- Cooking With Madea- cookin’ Kool-Aid

-Madea’s Faith Based F*ckery – where Madea reads Psalms while waving a .44 in the air like she just doesn’t care and interviewing ex-cons and actresses who only star in Tyler Perry movies and TP knockoffs like Denise Boutte and Keshia Knight-Pulliam about their plight for Jesus

Eh,  I bore with that exercise.

Anyway…

That movie studio and Mr. Perry — whose flourishing African-American fan base consistently turns his plays, television shows and films into hits — are forming a new venture called Tyler TV, according to an industry official briefed on the matter who requested anonymity because the plans are private.

The partners will initially stock the channel with reruns of Mr. Perry’s sitcoms and movies, including the popular Madea series, in which he appears in drag as the title character, a gun-toting grandmother. They also plan to buy third-party content that meshes with Mr. Perry’s Christianity-tinged brand.

I really don’t see what would make Tyler Perry’s channel any different than TVOne or BET to tell the truth…except that there’s a good chance that people might intentionally watch it. His fanbase is pretty rabid and can’t get enough of his movies. And at this point he has an abundance. Maybe I’m masochistic or turning Republican, but the idea that we’d get another station owned and run by a Black person is actually pretty dope. Granted, its Tyler Perry but I think he’s a necessary evil. And love him or hate him, the man knows how to cater to his base. Sure his movies browbeat their message into the watchers. But we know all that already.

Hm…you know what’s surprising? That Oprah’s OWN channel isn’t doing as well as they hoped. Do you know what that insinuates? People really only like their sh*t the way they like it. Folks want to see Oprah at 4pm every day on whatever network she was on. But now…folks can take or leave whatever it is she’s bringing. Folks didn’t want all that extra programming that they weren’t going to watch, they just want to see Oprah. Tyler Perry might be able to leapfrong that kind of problem since it seems that anything with his name attached does well. Tyler Perry could release phones and some church would offer to sponsor them with some of Jesus’s wine money.

I will say this, Tyler Perry has some issues. Now they seem to be ones that a lot of women respond to: this need for the male savior. I wonder if he’d pick television shows and create them in which the damsel in distress epidemic was front and center?

Who knows. All I know is that at the end of the day, Tyler Perry stays winning.

So I ask you VSBNinjas, what do you think about Tyler Perry’s potential new television network? Do you care at all? And for sh*ts and giggles…what do you think would be a new TV show that would run on TylerTV and TylerTV only?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Bougie Ninja Best Practices

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Picture this with an ascot. Then you got a bougie ninja.

Let’s be real here, the vast majority of us tow the line between being the pretentious bougie ninja we hate the most and the person two steps out of the projects still concerned with credibility. It’s why men fight in three-piece suits and women complain like hell about Basketball Wives and Single Ladies while keeping them DVR’d. We’re always keeping it real or just being entertained. For a large part of us, success is erroneously how other people perceive us. It’s no secret we tend to be statusticians.

We’re a confused bunch for the most part. And if confused is too strong a word, then denial is the closest term. It’s like most of us reading black ninjas are constantly in a fight for that whole double consciousness Black thing that W.E. was rappin’ ’bout back in the late 1800′s and further in the Souls of Black Folks. Basically, Black people have had image problems for a very, very long time.

However, given that we are a bunch of bougie ninjas, or aspiring considering one’s current station in life, I figured that I’d run down the list of what actually constitutues the current practices of the bougie ninja…best practices if you will. See, bougie ninjas like saying sh*t like best practices because it implies you’ve read a book. Nobody in the hood says “best practices” unless they’re on a team somewhere and you know, “that was one of the best practices we done had, boss…”

Tupac back.

By the way, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being a bougie ninja unless you actively look down on other people. Life’s a lot easier when you stop being so judgemental about everybody else’s f*cksh*t and do you. Then again, can one really be a bougie ninja without being judgemental? Confruscious my ni*gga. Confruscious.

Let’s take a stab at this, shall wel.

1. You must know where NOT to go.

Bougie ninjas congregate in all types of places. Grassy knolls. Bookstores. Coffee stores. Home Depot garden centers. Basically, you can go anywhere and be bougie and live your life. What’s important is to know where bougie ninjas don’t go. Like clubbing in Maryland. Not because you won’t see other bougie ninjas, but because non-bougie ninjas don’t really f*ck with bougie ninjas like that. And if you show up at Jasper’s with an ascot, my ni**a,  folks are going to talk about you. I think women tend to do better at this than men, women STAY up on where not to go.

Hmm…has anybody noticed how liberal we are with male fashion choices? Honestly, ladies, I blame this all on you. I’ve seen men wearing some of the gayest attire out in public and catch no flack from any ladies. Skin-tight pink button ups with a vest, ascot, pocket square and those polyester not-quite-tennis-shoes-not-quite-dress shoes from Aldo with some skinny jeans. Somehow, someway, this became acceptable attire. I don’t know when stylish dudes decided that looking gay was the way to get women, but it seems to be the case. Perhaps this is a DC-ATL-NYC-LA problem but really, someone please call 911.

2. You have to be up on some sort of artistic expression be it art, esoteric music, or travel arts.

Yes, I said travel arts. And do you know why I said travel arts? Because some of you ninjas treat your travels like its the gateway to painting oneself as a well-learned person. And while I do believe that experiencing new things helps to make you a fuller person, I definitely know some bougie ninja women who travel just so that they can tell other people that they travel so that they seem otherworldly to other folks who think a stamped passport makes you cultured. Bougie ninjas like art. I’m not sure why, but this is fact. I remember a long time ago this cat trying to sing to me the praises of Cody Chestnut’s Headphone Masterpiece. It’s mixed like hot garbage. On purpose. And somehow this made it artsy and I just wasn’t up on that hot sh*t because I didn’t f*ck with Cody’s album. Still don’t. But being the music snob that I am, I understood his plight. It also helps if you actually know what things like impressionism mean. I don’t. But my art knowledge is largely based on vinyl album covers. This right there? Is art.

3. You really do have to pretend to hate current popular Black culture and only have love for all things 90s

Rick Ross is the exception. Somehow, all bougie ninjas can get down with Rick Ross. Could be because he keeps making dope music. Maybe it’s his titties. I don’t know. The interesting thing about this one is that in order to hate it you have to engage in it. Which means that we have to listen to it all to hate it, which we do with enthusiasm. I know I do.

4. BET is the ruining the community.

You just have to say this a few times a week or whenever somebody says BET. And you can use any BET awards as your only reference point. It’s like an exemption to play in the Master’s.

5. It is vital to appreciate natural hair.

Odd, I know. But there is a huge undercurrent of women going natural and it has to be loved and appreciated en masse. Now I personally love natural hair. En masse. See what I did there?

6. You must be willing to overspend on food.

Real spit, I HATE boutique eateries. If your menu only has 8 items and all of them cost $20 per plate, I cannot f*ck with you. But if I want to see other bougie ninjas, that’s what I have to do. Well, if I want to see bougie women. A group of bougie ninjas will hit up TGIFridays in a minute. Of course, this one is more prone to be likely in major cities as well.

I think I’ll stop there for now. These are a few of the best practices of the bougie ninja.

VSBNation, what else you got?

-VSBougie P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. ASCOT TO MATCH MY SOCKS WHATS IN MY SPEAKERBOXX? PINK AND BLUE. aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Aw Hell, The BET Awards Came On Again

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I've really got to meet more white people so I can do MTV instead.

I remember a few years ago, BET seems to have begun to turn a corner. The Awards show which had long been associated with pure f*ckery and general shame had almost gained a bit of legitimacy.

But with Twitter at its apex, BET decided to have as much ridamndiculousness as possible this year. And you know what that means: Black Twitter almost exploded. Luckily BET always has a gospel segment which is where 90 percent of people check out and go to the bathroom, buy some drugs, or call their mothers.

By the way, as I’m writing this I just heard somebody say that Patti LaBelle’s voice is the most powerful voice on earth. Ain’t that right, boo? #true

Anyway, I had no intention of writing about the BET awards, but since I decided to watch it, I feel compelled because of the amount of f*cksh*t I’ve observed. So allow me to tell you about a little of it…my observations.

Why did Cee-lo put on a porcupine, feather, cap wig and purple shoes…THEN have the nerve to curse while wearing the gayest pastor coat in history?

Marsha Amborsius – bless her heart – has no booty whatsoever. I often wonder if women with no booty go to sleep every night and hope to wake up with a booty. Not even a big ole ass, just something well proportioned to the rest of her body. I’m a formerly Black man (thanks to Cee-lo and his get up I quit the Black race) so the hindparts are necessary to some extent. Marsha does have nice legs though with her spray on tan.

What the f*ck was up with everybody singing off key? It’s like everybody forgot to do a sound check AND the sound engineer quit right before the show over money. Alicia Keys sounded a little more of husky voice than usual AND was off key. Basically she sounded like The-Dream if he were to ever hit puberty.

Speaking of WTFness, what was up with all the profanity during the show? Aren’t they supposed to do the clean versions of songs? And if you’re going to do that for a Black awards show, you need a 30 second delay, not a 2 second delay like they were using. I feel like my TV cursed me out. And I didn’t like it. Stop it, television. I bought you TAKE THE FADE N*GGA!!!! TAKE THE FADE!!!!

I love how Chris Brown made a joke at his own expense. I really think that Chris Brown can totally redeem his career if he keeps on putting out dope music (which he’s been doing) and learns to enjoy life and laugh at himself and stays far and far away from all forms of social networking that don’t require him to run his words through at least 2 PR reps and a white woman.

Ain’t gonna lie to you, I’d marry Patti LaBelle right now. Jill Scott too. Oh and by the way since we’re talking about necks (we are now), can somebody find Gladys Knight’s neck? Did a Pip take it?

I don’t know if you all know how much I hate Kelly Rowland’s song “Motivation”. But I do. A lot. I think she sounds like pure D sh*t singing on it. And yet, her live rendition was…well, dope. She gave one of the better vocal performances that I’d seen during the night. Amazing. I’d totally bang her out.

Johnny Gill. Stop it.

Steve Harvey, for all of the non-sense we attribute to him really is worthy of getting an award for being a humanitarian. He hasn’t personally made my life any better but I’m sure somebody’s gotten further along because of him. And dude really does care about family values and manhood. It’s why he’s keeping so many women single…so he can focus on the men. <—-its like I just praised him AND threw him under the bus at the exact same time. Panama? Stop it.

I don’t care what anybody says, Rick Ross looked like he lost 738 pounds with that white Louis Vuitton suit he had on. I could barely see him. He was like a sliver of his former self. Wait…what?

The Nicki Minaj and Justin Beiber exchange was about as awkward and inappropriate as you can get at an awards show before somebody calls the police. Between that and Lil Wayne et al. bringing out a bunch of 12 year olds while singing, “…I wish I could f*ck every girl in the world…” last year (or a few years ago whenever), the entire Young Money camp needs to be on somebody’s watchlist. Not like a terrorist list, but a list nonetheless.

That poor Viewer’s Choice winner announcer, I won’t even add her name here…man she f*cked up so royally. Like, there are f*ckups but then there are f*ckups like she had. Thing is I couldn’t even tell who’s fault it was. I think I’ll just blame BET, because well, anytime BET is a possible culprit, it’s BET’s fault. Thing is…after she f*cked up and knew she f*cked up…she should have said something like, “go f*ck  yourself San Diego”, “Dip Set b*tch” or “Suck it” then threw the mic on the ground and walked off. You know you’ve done bad when even Drake won’t hug you and sing you a song about his insecurities.

This Beyonce performance sh*t was SUCH a copout but genius marketing move on her part. She doesn’t have to do anything but add an extra camera to her set to stream back to the BET awards. All it cost her was a “what’s up BET” shoutout. Oh well, that’s why BET stays losing. That and because Debra Lee buys her dresses from Lowe’s. Add to the fact that this was CLEARLY not live since ya know, its like 4am in London town when that aired.

Speaking of Beyonce, and I feel like we mentioned this here before…she might be the hottest celebrity that I have no desire ever to want to see naked. I’d be much more inclined to see Kelly in the buff with her legs reaching for the sky than Beyonce. She has like zero sex appeal to me. That is odd, like a Lil Wayne outfit. By the way Wayne, Andre 3000 called, he asked if you’d stop stealing his 1998 steez and be original.

I think that’s enough for now…sound off. I know you watched the Awards….good, bad, ugly?

What were your observations?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka BLACKASAURUS JONES aka GIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

 

 

 

Fighting The Power With Radio Ruckus

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Jesse? Jesse, dat you at the frigidaire???

(If you have iTunes, click this link to the Jesse Lee Peterson Radio Show and our episode is labeled “Tragedy of Black Babies” LOL. We are the last hour and start at about the 1: 28 mark.)

I didn’t want to do this interview. Let me state that upfront. In fact, when we got the initial email showing interest in having Champ and myself on the Jesse Lee Peterson show, my first reaction was, who in the hell is Jesse Lee Peterson and what part of Arkansas is he broadcasting from.

But it turns out Mr. Peterson, Jesse Lee that is, is a quite well-known and accomplished (political leanings aside and dbaggery aside, but I’ll get to that) speaker and organizer. Then came the Wikipedia page that convinced me that I was right. Mind you I’d never heard of this dude before but his list of accomplishments amazed me. This ninja thinks Obama hates white people, thanks white people for slavery, started an actual Anti-Jesse Jackson day (jury’s out on whether or not this is a good or bad thing), is a Republican, right wing extremist and conservative. And he’s a reverend. Basically, this motherf*cker is Uncle Ruckus’ ordained cousin, Rev. Ruckus.

At this point, I decided I need to seek counsel from everybody except my father who I’m pretty sure would curse me out for even considering doing this ninjas show. I talked to family members who all told me not to do it, but at the end of the day, Champ and Liz convinced me that this might be a good idea. At the very least we could have fun and if there was ever an opportunity to do some crime-fighting, this would be it.  But I felt dirty. And for the most part, my gut was right.

With that said, here are ten things that I learned while actively participating in both the best and worst radio interview and convo we’ve been apart as VSB…

1. First rule about doing a radio interview with a ninja named Jesse Lee Peterson is don’t do a radio interview with Jesse Lee Peterson.

I don’t think the guy’s a bad guy, but wow, even before we got on the horn with him I thought he needed to have Siemen’s furniture. From the outset of the show, my suspicions were confirmed. Which brings up another point…

2. There’s no way you can truly prepare for somebody who’s entire opinion and reason to be is in direct contradiction to everything you believe in life.

I imagine this is what rappers feel like visiting shows like Bill O’Reilly or what a convo with Glenn Beck would feel like. Which is interesting, I always wondered how they always seemed to have a leg up on their guests, but when you control the convo and aren’t answering questions yourself, you have that power. We somehow ended up on the defensive for the majority of that convo. Which is fine, defense wins games. But I’ll concede that he definitely tripped me up a few times…like…

3. Apparently Jesse Lee hates Black women.

Grandiose statement? Perhaps. But I’ll be damned if his presumption that most Black women are angry didn’t lead me down that path. Then again, it’s all perspective. Was he talking about the angry Black women stereotype, or legitimate anger that women can’t seem to find good men (or at least that’s what the media is telling us.) Who cares, his whole premise, initially, was that all Black women are angry. To the point where the motherf*cker asked Champ how he deals with his girlfriend’s anger.

Point here is…

4. Just because you have a Black name doesn’t mean you give two f*cks about Blackness.

In his own way, Rev Ruckus thinks he’s doing a service to Black people by exposing our faults. And he would be if he wasn’t blowing white folks in the process. Oops, did Panama just say that? Yes he did.

5. Apparently I don’t even know my own mother.

The fact that I actually got into a spirited debate with somebody about my own mother is beyond me. Which brings me to something I realize more and more when we do these interviews. We get a lot of softball questions. The first time somebody came throwing boulders, I was so taken aback (not so much that he was going to, I expected that, but how quickly out of the gate he came with it) that I actually got suckered into a dumb a** argument about my mother, a woman I’ve known my whole life. Next time, kick rocks donkeynuts.

6. While I definitely got pissed at one point, I actually found the interview to be more comical than anything.

People who know me in real life know I get amped. Like all the way turnt up amped. I rarely back down and I go in all the way. Arsonist is not just a nickname, it’s a way of life. So it took all kinds of restraint for me to be easy. Though every time I called him “bruh” or “brutha” I’m pretty sure I was really calling saying “n*gga”.

7. I’ve never sent more “is this n*gga serious” text messages in my life.

I was both tweeting and texting during the interview. I actually had to mute my self a few times just to laugh because of the pure ridiculousness of this mofo. Not only did he twist some of our words up, he also created our own conclusions for us. But then again, I know I put dude in a position to do so by not being as direct as possible. Its like media-training-by-fire. I’m learning so much. Next time a motherf*cker asks me a question, forget what I think the answer should be, all direct all the time. “Hey Panama, should I jump off of this bridge?” “Yes, Jesse Lee, you should. No question.”

8. I found myself asking myself, who the f*ck was he listening to?

More than once he put words in our mouths…um….but the “are you a good man?” question where we both said yes, and he comes back from commercial break like “well one of you said no and the other said maybe” baffled me. I watched Crackheads Gone Wild on DVD yesterday morning and THAT exchange with Rev Ruckus was the most baffling thing that happened to me yesterday.

9. I’ve learned that research is important.

While on the call, I texted Liz to ask her to find out if he was married because I wanted to go there on this dude. But I couldn’t confirm one way or another and I didn’t want to hear, “this isn’t about me, this is about you and the BS answers you both are giving.” Which he basically said when he alluded to, “why are you guys doing this since neither of you knows how to give solid answers or provide anything worthy of note for anybody, much less lab rats, hoodrats, or big booty Judy’s named Bertha. Next time, I’m gonna have a freakin’ Match.com profile sheet pulled on anybody who wants to question our credibility.

10. I don’t actually disagree all that much with his stances on things.

Well at least I don’t disagree with his ability to have countering opinions to my own. I’m obviously more liberal than I thought, which is cool. Legalize weed. But that’s the problem with liberals…we generally just want people to live and let live. Conservatives not only think that’s bullsh*t, they want to talk about why it’s bullsh*t. No wonder why hippie music died out. Everybody became Republican and started hating on the younger generations. It’s the ciiiiiiiiiiircle of life. Oh, except his BS assertion that men have no business discussing or communicating their personal issues towards women. Cromagnon arse ninja.

I felt like this was worth sharing. A sort of director’s cut of behind the scenes imagery of what’s going on in the mind of folks while we’re doing these interviews and stuff. I’ve long felt like we could do a Behind The Blog on VSB and it would be the most entertaining sh*t ever.

Sharing is caring.

If you listened, any thoughts? Criticisms? Surprises? Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

8 Real Reasons Why Black Women Should Date White/Non-Black Men

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I jacked this from Madame Noire. A white man wouldn't do that.

I’m convinced that LaShaun Williams and therefore Madame Noire just spoofed Black America. In fact, I’m so convinced of this fact that you cannot convince me otherwise. You could tell me that you have beachfront property in Kansas for sale and I’d believe that before I believed that article was intended to be serious. I’m fairly sure that the author has been told to go f*ck herself so many times in life that she decided to take a chance to piss off the reading ninja massive for sh*ts and giggles.

Plus, as a person who often times writes complete and utter bull malarkey, I know non-sense when I see it. The article, “8 Reasons to  Date a White Man” AKA the article heard around the powder room was pure and utter biship. But then I got to thinking – as a thinker, I’m prone to thinking – and realized that despite her non-sense and clear disdain for Black people, she’s right. Just for all the wrong reasons.

If she was serious, to say that white men aren’t looking for somebody to take care of them because more of them come from stable backgrounds, etc just proves that she’s never watched Ricki Lake, Jerry Springer, or CNN’s White in America series aka The News. Actually, each and every point that she outlines proves that she either has the most selective data pool in history or has only spent her life watching BET and reading Black Tail…and never watched day time television talk shows.

Oh yes, why is she right? It’s common knowledge that Black women should open up their dating pool since Black men have. I love loyalty, it was a great song on GangStarr’s Moment of Truth album, but it pretty must stops there. So as a service and in support of our wayward sister with the really Black name from Madame Noire, here are 8 serious reasons as to why Black women should date non-Black men (I couldn’t just say white, I mean there are at least 2 other races that Black women should consider).

1. Don’t have to worry about anybody using the word swag all the time…or having any of it

I don’t know about you, but I’m so tired of hearing about swagger, so imagine how our women must feel . Dudes running up on them talking about their self-esteem going through the roof and how they got their swag. And since for the most part nobody else has that swag that Black men have and talk about, you can live a life without all that unnecessary charisma and “thing” that Black men have. It’s SO useless.

2. Smaller wangs

I’m a Black dude so I assume the myth is true. Why is this a good thing? Ladies, aren’t some of you tired of getting poked in your stomach every time you and your man get it on? Ulcer my arse. It’s all that Clarence Carter endorsed stroking that you’re doing with your the real Mandingo in the family. If you go date Small Wang, you are in the clear for some concentrated area boning. No more pain. Plus, the walk of shame always looks worse when you got the blowlegged he-stabbed-me-officer walk going on.

3. Less emotional and more logical reactions

As a Black man, I’m required to assume everything that has a possible racial component to it, DOES have a racial component to it. You know who doesn’t think like that? White people and Asians who are considered white people. You can have your mind expanded into a world where its completely plausible that you didn’t get the job because that other person was more qualified. Who wants to sit around and talk about race all day anyway when there’s global warming and Greenpeace to talk about.

4. A movie library that doesn’t include Menace II Society

Face it, you grew up in Chilllicothe, Ohio, not Compton and you don’t understand why people love and glorify this movie. It wasn’t your life and you can’t appreciate it the way that all the “brothas” do. Time to venture out. Who the hell is Mc Eiht anyway, and why is there no “g” in his name? Pishaw.

5. You didn’t go to an HBCU and they didn’t either

Common ground thy name is education. What’s the big deal about homecoming and marching bands anyway?!

6. You like Friends more than A Different World…

…what a surprise, so does everybody else! The ability to relate is at the top of everybody’s list and non-Black guys TOTALLY get Friends and Seinfeld and whatever a Bobcat Golthwait is.

7. VSB is generally as Black as you want to get in your life. You can’t do that if you date a Black man.

SAME FOR THEM! Appreciation from afar is not only a motto, it’s a way of life.

8. Only a White man can truly appreciate the depth of The Color Purple

All the Black men you know think its a comedy. Wait, it’s not? Black men don’t understand the plight of the Black woman but a white man can appreciate what you bring to the table unlike any brother really can, as evidenced by his love for The Color Purple (true story). Hey sucka ni**a, wherever you are…you just lost one.

So good people of VSB, while Mrs. Williams article was f*ckery, what are some other real reasons that Black women should date non-Black men?

Help a sista out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3