Pussified: Why All (Yes. All.) Of Our Shows Suck Ass

"That was a funny joke. Too bad it's too funny for our show."

Last weekend, I attended Blogalicious — an annual conference celebrating diversity in women involved with social media — a great opportunity to meet old and new friends, make countless contacts, and inhale obscene amounts of free liquor. (How much free liquor? Let’s just say that you know you’ve probably had a bit too much when you wake up the next morning and see that you didn’t even close the door to your hotel room) 

It took place at the Gaylord National right outside of D.C. — a hotel so big that I once got lost four different times in the same night, prompting a clerk who I’d hit up for directions three times to take a look at my VSB t-shirt and joke “If you’re the smart brotha I’d hate to meet the dummy.

Anyway, I was invited there to speak on a panel. Titled “Setting Your Own Stage: Creating An Outlet for Your Voice,” Helena Andrews and I spoke to the audience for approximately 90 minutes — 50 minutes answering questions from the moderator (the lovely Liz Burr) and 40 taking questions from the audience — about how to create a niche for yourself in this vast and perpetually expanding new media universe.

Most of the questions were relevant but somewhat predictable — i.e. “How do you continue to come up with ideas?” and “How would you advise a new blogger attempting to follow your footsteps?” — but one in particular stuck with me for the entire weekend:

(Paraphrasing) “How do you sift through the muck to find quality content?”

I responded by saying that regardless of what’s surrounding it, talent and quality content will eventually stand out. It’s our job as consumers to support it when we actually do find it.

The panel ended soon after that, but throughout the rest of the day I was approached by people who wanted to continue that part of the conversation, extending it past the new media world and into television and film. The overarching theme: Why does everything we do on screen nowadays pretty much suck ass?

The usual black media boogeymen (Tyler Perry, the mainstream media, etc) were oft cited as the main culprits, and a few potential saviors who need our support (Issa Rae of “Awkward Black Girl” fame, Helena Andrews — who has a movie based on her book in production, etc) were named as well, but I didn’t find a convincing answer until watching an episode of “Louie” on Hulu yesterday night.

Now, it’s no secret that I’m a huge fan of Louie C.K., so it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I’m also a huge fan of his critically acclaimed show. But, watching it has become a bittersweet experience. I appreciate everything about it —  its humor, its awkwardness, its pacing, its fearlessness (more on this in a sec) — but it’s disheartening to realize that I may never see a “black” show that’s anything like it.

It’s not that I don’t believe that we have any comedians/artists as talented and creative as Louie C.K., but the fearlessness that makes the show is mainly due to a freedom to be fearless that we (black audiences) just don’t grant black artists, and this is why most of our “good” shows and movies are tepid and sterile to the point of lifelessness.

Basically, our art sucks because too many of us are just too gotdamn f*cking sensitive.

Seriously, a show like “Louie” might have lasted two episodes if it were made by a black comedian. It either would have been forced off the air by all of the petitions, blogs, tweets, and impassioned YouTube pleas attacking it for every “ism” and “phobia” imaginable, or it would have been forced to become a pussified version of itself, turning it from fearless and iconoclastic to “Reed Between The F*cking Lines.

“The Chappelle Show” was able to touch on many of those “untouchable” themes, but I think the sketch comedy format made certain things ok in a way they wouldn’t be in a series. It also became popular before social media became truly ubiquitous, and I wonder if an artist as perceptive and sensitive about his craft as Chappelle was would have allowed the countless blogs that undoubtedly would have derided his humor as offensive, racist, and sexist to affect his work.

Now, I understand why we’re pussies. Decades of having to defend ourselves, our images, and our culture has installed a certain vigilance in us that makes us hyper-sensitive to any screen depictions that don’t portray us in a certain way. But, while that same activism may not stunt our creativity, it does restrict our willingness to allow others to be creative.

It’s probably a good thing that I didn’t have this epiphany while at Blogalicious. Not sure how well calling black audiences a bunch of pussies would go over in a room full of women, and I probably would have just started railing on Tyler Perry again. As I’ve learned, whenever in front of a potentially hostile audience full of intellectuals, just make fun of Madea.

Damn, I guess this makes me a pussy too.

—The Champ

heavy class load: a look at lincoln university’s weighty graduation requirements

“We know that obesity and its co-morbidities are going to rob individuals of quality and quantity of life. What good is it to go through college, get your bachelor’s degree at Lincoln University, go get your graduate degree, work for five, six, seven years, and all of a sudden, you experience a catastrophic health issue associated with obesity? That would be a tragedy. We believe that it’s our professional educators’ responsibility to alert students to this.”

—dr. james deboy (chair, department of health, physical education and recreation, lincoln university), explaining the rationale behind lincoln’s stance that students with body mass indexes exceeding 30 will not be able to graduate unless they take a one-credit gym class

you know, even though i disagree with the approach (using BMI as a concrete indicator of health is about as reliable as delonte west), the implementation (how much will one walking class really help someone in dire need of dietary assistance?), the hypocrisy (from what i’ve read, the only green thing you’ll find in a lincoln university cafeteria is lemon-lime kool-aid) the jar of stigma and discrimination worms this opens up, and the fact that a select group of students are being required to do something that would actually benefit the entire population, i actually don’t think that lincoln university’s idea is a bad one. Continue reading

soon you’ll understand: three reasons why we need to give president obama a break

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although president obama’s approval rating has steadied in the past couple of months, between between the beer summit, his seemingly passive role in the health care debate, and his unsuccessful trip to copenhagen, his overwhelmingly strong support in the black community seems to be wavering a bit. while this sentiment won’t be found in any surveys or polls, visit any barbershop, beauty salon, or blog and you’ll see a subtle change from “yes we can” to “i mean, i still think we might, but…”, a feeling which can potentially be the beginning of a slippery slide to “f*ck that n*gga”.

i understand where this is coming from. when you’re part of a group of people who’ve been the returned orphan to america’s anita tedaldi over and over again, its almost impossible to return the skepticism and doubt that comes with that package.

still, i think that we need to put ourselves aside for a minute and give president obama a break, and here’s three reasons why.

1. we’ve never seen him before

for most of us (i’m 30 years old, and i’m assuming that the majority of the people who frequent this site are somewhere between 21 and 35) the black politicians we’ve seen in our lifetimes can easily be split into three catagories

a) “neighborhood”-centric civil rights and injustice hounds with staunch ties to black social networks and zealous support from the black church

b) “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” bon vivants insisting on an eschewing of urban culture and a return to traditional family values

c) kwame kilpatrick

like contemporaries such as newark mayor cory booker, president obama doesn’t fit any of these categories, and the uniqueness of his person and his position has been a tough pill for many of us to swallow.

we’ve been conditioned to expect representatives who’d salivate at the opportunity to rain fire and brimstone on a white cop (from boston!) who publicly disrespected an esteemed black academic, neglecting to remember that such divisive tactics would blatantly contradict the presidents gameplan. we wonder how he could fly to denmark to lobby about some games seven summers away for a city where 36 city students were murdered in one year, not realizing that being awarded that honor would have been a substantial boon for the entire country, not just the city of chicago.

we’re used to seeing the micro acts of a community activist or state representative instead of the excessively macro dance of a black leader of a predominately white country, forgetting that while the president may be one of us…he doesn’t belong to us.

basically, he’s chocolate milk from a community titty, and we need to learn to share the titty.

2. we’ve never been here before, either

i have a friend who just “discovered” the NBA in may of 2008. although he’s a native nigerian whose sports tastes are definitely more pele than chris paul, he became so enthralled with the lakers and kobe bryant last spring that he started writing “deuce cuatro” on the back of his adidas and begin referring to himself as the mamba in the third person. (trust me, you haven’t lived until a 5’7 nigerian tells you that the mamba got on some tight, tight ass” after you ask him what he did friday night.)

anyway, i remember how frustrated he’d get last year if the lakers seemed disinterested or lost two games in row. at least once every couple of weeks he’d send me some 1000 word nigerian curse filled email cursing phil jackson, luke walton, and luke waltons fro, and i’d calm him, reminding him that the lakers would be fine.

you see, he had never paid attention to the regular season before, and it took him a while to realize that you can’t hem and haw over every minor misstep in an 82 game season unless you wanted to drive yourself crazy.

i’m bringing this up because the situation with my nigerian buddy is parallel to that of much of black america today. before 2008, i suspect that most of you were similar to me: an “appropriate” interest in the country and world affairs mixed with an aggressive apathy towards the day-to-day minutiae of american politics.

basically, we knew just enough to answer any of the potential “so, how do you feel about iraq?” first date vetting questions that are never, ever asked by anyone, anywhere, ever.

now, because we feel more of an emotional tie with washington, more of us are switching between fox, cnn, cspan, and msnbc eight hours a day, peering the president’s every move, minding every mundane bill, and paying attention to every pundit. while an increased interest with and awareness of politics definitely isn’t a bad thing, it would be in everyone’s best to chill with the monday morning quarterbacking. try to remember that barring disaster, obama is going to be in office for eight freakin years, and a mistake or two in the first eight months isn’t going to end the world or repeal our upcoming reparations checks.

3. he’s earned it

admittedly, i’ve had my doubts. in fact, the last entry on my old blog was a 1,000 word tome in 2007 expressing why i thought obama shouldn’t run for president. convinced that he had no chance to beat hilary clinton, i wrote about how quickly and suddenly other high profile presidential losers in my lifetime, from mike dukasis to john kerry, fell off the political map (except for al gore, who merely just turned into a lesbian) and i didn’t want to see him suffer that same fate.

as he’s prone to do, he proved me and millions of other people wrong, and i think he’s done more than enough to earn the benefit of the doubtfor now

hmmm. this was alot, lol.

i’m curious, people of vsb.com.

how do think the pres is doing so far, has he surpassed or fell short of your expectations, and do you think we’re too hypersensitive (or not sensitive enough) to his plight?

—the champ

post-racial slur survivor

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its been two years since the NAACP officially “buried” the word nigger. deemed “the greatest child racism ever birthed“, nigger had a full funeral replete with a procession, a eulogy, and a rare sighting of a standing christine beatty to symbolically put an end to the power behind that word.

even before this strange act, post-racial bigots already put that word on waivers, realizing that you just can’t go around calling everybody niggers anymore (unless, of course, you’re ghostface killa or frank sobotka). in its place are dozens of terms, phrases, code words, epithets, and idioms; synonyms for “black” lingering around the american lexicon and causing more uneasiness and deferred discomfort than an ugly baby.

today, with your help, verysmartbrothas.com will begin to put an end to this phenomenon with our first ever installment of post-racial slur survivor

the champ will list 11 of his favorite post-racial racist code words and slurs, and we’ll decide in the comments which term will officially be voted out and buried in the plot next to nigger

1. communist/socialist

—although this coding seemingly surfaced overnight, america has a long and storied history of branding educated blacks as anti-american anarchists perpetually plotting towards the country’s demise (which we are...but thats besides the point.)

2. urban

—a term that’s become so synonymous with black that six months ago, a group of arkansas businessmen petitioned to boycott the entire city of little rock when hearing of plans to open an urban outfitters there, saying that the retail chain’s title “promoted crime and miscegenation”¹.

3. church groups (from trenton)

just read and weep. or laugh.

4. inner-city

—am i the only one who’s felt that the connotation of inner-city doesn’t just suggest “they live in the city” but that cats live inside the city? like we actually live inside of stairwells, sewers, and streetlights and sh*t?

yea? ok, moving on

5. at risk

—although usually used by educators to describe certain school districts and neighborhood populations, “at-risk” itself is so ambiguous that it can be applied to basically anyone.  i mean, why can’t you describe a college freshman class as being at-risk even though the risk they’re facing is chlamydia?

6. thug

although it originally derives from the thuggee’s of india, the term has become so racially charged that espn.com and other websites have actually begun to censor it out of the comments on it’s articles. we tried doing that here as well, but liz our moderation is racist

7. illegal/foreigner/muslim

—code words that serve as reminders for a bigots prevailing feeling that minorities are america’s mother-in-laws: needy, unwelcome visitors with bad food, strange hair, and gout

8. affirmative action/quota

—terms used by those conveniently forgetting that white women exist

9. regular/hard-working

—while these terms aren’t used to describe blacks per se, they are used to imply what blacks are not. a politician or pundit making a reference to “regular, hard-working americans” is basically saying “not niggers”.

the same could be said for “trustworthy”. but, since i don’t trust most of ya’ll niggas either, i can’t fault them for that one

10. n-word

—this isn’t really any type of racial code. i just really, really, really hate this f*cking word.

11. ghetto

—used when inner-city isn’t quite black enough to accurately describe “black”. its almost like it implies “no, not just black. really, really black. superblack. ultrablack. uberblack. so black that if you turn off all the lights, all you’ll see is a d*ck and some teeth”

people of vsb.com, vote for which term you’d most like to see buried next. remember, you can only choose one. also, since i know i haven’t covered them all, please feel free to mention any write-in candidates you’d like to nominate.

the carpet is yours and sh*t

¹i’m lying. admit it, though. you can totally see that happening

—the champ

six most important black movies of the last 30 years

last week, panama blessed the verysmart pulpit with 10 songs all black people should know. today, i’ll walk you all through my beautiful mind as we take a look at the six most important black movies of the last 30 years (why six? because today’s january 16th. duh).

before i continue, i want to make a couple things clear:

1. by “black movie”, i’m referring to movies with themes that are specifically black.

to expound: if you took the same premise and replaced every black actor and actress in the flick with whites, could you have made the same movie? if the answer was yes (ie: “friday” or “the best man“) then no, its not a black movie…just a movie with black people in it.

2. remember, this is just measuring “importance” not “best” or “champs favorite“. please keep this in mind while admiring my list.

***in reverse order***

6. glory

glory-dvdcover

reason for relevance

–the story of the 54th of massachusetts, glory was the most powerful depiction of the active hand 19th century blacks had in building our country. most other big-screen portrayals up to that time had pre-construction era blacks as docile and passive victims at the whims of the white teet, but glory showed that we had some fight in us…and that we were patriots and sh*t. if this means anything, i also get verklempt every time i watch it.

as my man heath stated bluntly a few years ago, “after seeing this, i didnt have to fake sleeping through history class anymore”

–also, the movie contained quite possibly the best on-screen insult ever, when morgan freeman’s sergeant major admonished an incorrigible denzel as a “smart-mouth, stupid-ass, swamp-running nigger”. i’d give a months pay for the opportunity to say that to someone.

5. school daze

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reason for relevance

–spike lee’s depiction of black college life and the intra-racial class and color conflicts among us still resonates today.

–along with “a different world”, “daze” helped to keep HBCU’s on the radars of black youths around the country. it also remains the only musical that a heterosexual black male can freely admit to enjoying without reproach

4. menace 2 society

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reason for relevance

—although less popular than the equally critically acclaimed “boyz n da hood”, menace more accurately captured the increasingly nihilistic nature permeating our inner cities. america was scared sh*tless by the fact that someone like o-dog existed (which the book “monster” proved even further), and larenz tate’s performance in this flick cemented the young champ’s fear of midgets.

3. do the right thing

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reason for relevance

—lets put it this way: any movie released that makes people fear for the possibility of race-riots and the safefty of the mayor of new york is an important f*cking flick

—also, any movie that could inspire the young champ to rock kinte-clothed hoop sneaks…

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…is an important f*cking flick

—supposedly this movie served as the first date for a young shelly robinson and barry obama, which also makes it an important f*cking flick.

2. the color purple

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reason for relevance

–eh. next.

1. coming to america

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reason for relevance:

–from soul-glo and “queen to be!!!!” to “martin luther the king” and randy watson’s sexual chocolate, no movie produced in the last 30 years has had as many instant quotetables, and as much of an lasting and panoramic impact on black popular culture. maybe it’s not as racially charged as a “rosewood” and maybe it doesnt provide a satirical social commentary like a “hollywood shuffle”, but “seriousness” isn’t the only way to define “importance“.

***also, from a racial rabble-rousing point of view, you can’t ignore the intra-racial impact of prince hakeem discarding a banging, barking, brown-skinned nubian princess for a giant foreheaded, light-skinned, bootlegged, burger chain heiress on an impressionable black populace. honestly, it took me at least six years to realize that shari headley was maybe the 6th or 7th most attractive woman in that movie. color-struckedness is a b*tch.***

toughest omissions:

malcolm x

—although its one of my favorite movies of all-time, and easily the best of the big black biopics (ie: “ray”, “ali”, “bird”, and “whats love got to do with it”) of the past couple decades, i couldn’t include it because it gets credit for the short-lived exaggerated black awareness/consciousness movement in the late 80′s/early 90′s that was actually spearheaded by “do the right thing”. its akin to giving kanye credit for the soulful sample mixing production style when he clearly is emulating the rza. i have no idea where i’m going here, so i’m just gonna stop.

hoop dreams

—forget about the basketball backdrop (which was remarkable in itself). this documentary perfectly mirrored the dynamics involved with thousands of struggling black families across the country, and, with arthur agee’s dad, introduced the world to the “functioning crackhead”

thoughts, vsb?

—the champ

***btw, please raise your hand or some sh*t if you’re gonna be in the dc area for inaguration***