5 Black Women Every Black Man Has Dated

DSCN0693 DONE

Last week, the homie Demetria Lucas listed the “10 Guys Black Women From Anywhere May Actually Have Dated”—a response to a similar piece at the Washington Post that profiled “D.C. guys” but wasn’t very racially inclusive.

I was intrigued and amused by the list. But, since I don’t date Black men, I also felt excluded. I do have experience dating Black women though, so I decided to offer my own, sista-centric list.

And, considering that Demetria’s piece was a response to “The 10 D.C. Guys We’ve All Dated”, which was a response to “The 10 Best Cities for Single Women”, this a response to a response to a response. (Yes, that sentence gave me a nose bleed too.)

1. The Stealth Church Bomber

Everything between you two is going great. You sincerely laugh at her jokes, your boys like the idea of her, she’s great at making tea, and you have surprisingly efficient sex.

Well, you thought everything was going great…until she hits you with the stealth church bomb.

“I like you and all, but I can’t continue this relationship if we don’t establish a relationship with God and start going to church.”

“Wait, what?” you think to yourself, as your mind races back to the sex you two had in a Banana Republic dressing room seven minutes ago. “Where is this coming from? Since when are you a Christian?”

You even glance at your phone to check every email and text message from her to see if she ever even hinted at the words “Church” or “Christ” in any of your correspondence. Maybe she said something before, but you just didn’t notice.

Nope.

You don’t actually say any of this aloud, though, because you’re also a Christian, you’d also like to reestablish a relationship with God, and you ultimately realize her ultimatum is a good one. But, you just don’t appreciate having the God bomb dropped on you by someone whose only references to our savior in the time you’ve known them was when her legs were wrapped around your neck.

2. The Delta

You first suspect something is a little off when you notice her iPhone background image is a baby elephant. A very cute baby elephant, but an elephant nonetheless. Another silent alarm goes off the first time you enter her apartment as she asks you to take a seat on her elephant-shaped futon, which is directly adjacent to a coffee table prominently displaying three original prints of Babar the Elephant. Sitting on that table is a glass of water. After lifting it, you see that the glass features an elephant driving a pink Cadillac. You appreciate the kitsch.

While in her bed later that night, the silent alarm turns into a red flag after she pauses during fellatio, gets up, walks to her bedroom dresser, and carefully turns around each of the dozen or so tiny elephant figurines facing the bed.

As she gets back into bed, she explains:

“They can’t watch what’s about to happen.”

(Honorable Mention: The AKA)

3. The Ceaseless Selfie Shooter

At first glance, she seems normal. Sure, perhaps you thought she looked like she spends a bit too much time at Macy’s MAC counter, but you’re evolved enough to judge women on the content on their characters, not the colors of their awkwardly long eyelashes.

So, you get her number. And, when you see she’s requesting a Facebook add, you accept. Even if it doesn’t work out, you can never have too many Facebook friends, right?

Moments after you’ve accepted her add, you see that she just uploaded a new profile picture, featuring her smiling face while she’s standing next to a refrigerator.

“Cool” you think to yourself. “She must be happy about her new fridge.”

An hour later, she uploads another new profile picture, featuring her smiling face while she’s sitting on an off-white futon.

“Hmm” you think to yourself. “I guess she went on a shopping spree last weekend.”

15 minutes later, she uploads another new profile picture, featuring her smiling face while she’s standing in front of an immaculate toilet.

“Damn” you think to yourself. “Is she just photoshopping her face in front random household appliances? Is this a new fetish? Kinky! I likes!”

After this happens four more times in the next hour, you realize you’re dating a ceaseless selfie shooter. Since she looks exactly the same in each of the 27 profile pics she uploaded todayyou’re not sure if she’s creating a piece of performance art or is just a raging narcissist, but you do know you’ll have to block her because 50% of your total newsfeed is comprised of her standing in front of shower curtains and empty doghouses.

4. Ms “All Of My Friends Are Already Dating White Guys, And I’m Probably Next”

It’s very hard to pinpoint any characteristics distinguishing these women from others. They look, sound, smell, and taste just like any other Black women you’ll meet. But, there’s just something about them that lets you know you’re likely the last brotha standing between them and something new. And, by “something new” I mean “someone named Philip.”

You even tell her during the first date that you assumed she had a White boyfriend. When she asks “Why?” you shrug your shoulders and shove some calamari in your mouth.

She’s a Kobe fan and you have a soul, so you both know it’s not going to work out. But while you don’t have a problem with her—or anyone!—dating and marrying “out,” you also don’t want to go down in her history as the last Black man she ever dated. (Why? Well, there might be a list somewhere that names the last Black guy each of the Black women married to White men dated. If it exists, I don’t want to be on it.)

So, you stay with her until she gets frustrated and cheats on you with an Asian woman. Not the best outcome, but at least you won’t be on the list.

5. The Manic Pixie Black Girl

You’re drawn to her because she’s not like the women you usually date. She smokes weed everyday, has deep conversations with squirrels, dresses like a genie, and has inspired you to appreciate colors and shit in a way you never did before. You’re even turned on by her cute little shoplifting habit. Basically, she’s the character Lisa Bonet plays in every movie.

But, the manic pixie dream-ness starts getting old the third or fourth time she yells at you for being “angry at her couch,” and her complete disdain for rules, order, and consistent hygiene will have you yearning to be back at the Thai-centric brunches with your Bougie Black soulmates.

That’s it for me, but I’m sure you all can do better. People of VSB, which women (and men) also need to be on this list?

 —Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

The 10 Real Reasons Why So Many Black Women Are So Damn Single

Who they all should aspire to be

Who they all should aspire to be

While on one of those time-wasting and slightly creepy journeys through Facebook the other day—you know, when you click on one status and click on a tagged pic and click on another status and all of a sudden, you’re here—I came across this:

3.  Get in shape

We know, we know….we are shallow, misogynistic heathens. But guess what, we are men. We are visual creatures. We know what we like. For most of us sans a small segment of chubby chasers, some of us don’t like the biggens. It is what it is. You can’t realistically be pushing two spins and then wonder why the cute guy on your bus stop with the ripped up arms and flat stomach just doesn’t seem to be into you.

and this…

9. Know your role

One of the primary reasons the fellas will put your ass on waivers is because the woman cannot or will not play her position. I don’t mean be submissive or look the other way if he’s being shady. I mean be a friend if he wants a friend, be a great lover if that’s what it is, be a girlfriend if both of you decide that’s the right thing to do. Nothing will get you put into the “f–k buddy” file faster than demanding or taking privileges designed for someone you are not. If you are not his girlfriend, why are you checking his phone or asking where he was last night? You can’t force a man into anything he doesn’t want to do. Earn his trust and admiration before you earn his ire.

 

…each parts of The Things That Keep A Woman Single — a 10 point list from Chicago-area flame fanner Evan Moore that quite a few of my friends shared on their profiles.

Although reading it felt like I was in a time machine—the piece and the video attached to it felt very October of 2009-ish—I thought Moore made some good points. My only issue was that Moore didn’t do more. (See what I did there?) While well-intentioned, the list was too pandering, too nice, and too thirsty for likes and direct messages.

Me? The only thing I’m thirsty for is the truth, and the only thing I’m nice at is basketball. And while I appreciate Moore’s efforts, here are the 10 real reasons why so many sistas are so damn single. 

1. They’re not Zooey Deschanel.

No piece about the laundry list of issues facing this generation of increasingly faulty Black women can begin without acknowledging their biggest problem:

They’re not White women.

If they’re not White women, they can’t be Ellen Page. And if they can’t be Ellen Page, they damn sure can’t be Zooey Deschanel. And, if they can’t be Zooey Deschanel, what educated Black man in his right mind would even bother retweeting her text?

2. They wear too much damn lotion.

More than anything, this proves how silly these “sistas” are. How the hell do they expect a man to catch them if their arms are too slippery to hold on to?

3. At least one of them slept with the barber of Stevie J’s little cousin seven years ago.

Why buy the cow when you can make it rain with free milk tokens?

4. They all voted for Obama.

Who in their right mind would marry a woman dumb enough to vote for a man who was dumb enough to marry a Black woman?

5. Sometimes, when men visit their houses to pick them up for dates, they might answer the door fully-dressed and invite the man inside for a glass of water. While the man is sitting on the couch and drinking water, he might accidentally reach his hand into the couch crevice and land on an old hair curler. 

IT’S PROOF THAT SOME OF THESE BLACK BITCHES BE WEARING HAIRCURLERS AND SCARVES AT NIGHT SOMETIMES!

6. They make good men wear condoms.

We know they let Ray-Ray the Milkman and Lil Shitty hit raw indiscriminately. We see their bad-ass kids getting caught stealing tennis balls and Naked Juice in Target, so we know they belong to at least one of them.

But, when they decide to date a good man with a good (pre-paid) legal job who wants to bust some good, hard-earned, God-fearing, nuts inside of them, they all of a sudden want to use protection.

7. While they were flicking channels during a Hannibal commercial break last spring, they caught a few minutes of an episode of Scandal

You know what “Olivia Pope” rhymes with?

You ever gonna get married? Nope!” and “Bed wench.”

8. They think they’re too good for Chinese men.

They can rock the Chinese man’s nail accessories, do the Chinese man’s yoga, wear the Chinese man’s wigs, and even eat the Chinese man’s Thai food, but somehow they’re too damn good to be the Chinese man’s wife.

9. They love Black men too much.

I mean, have you seen a Black man lately? I have. Shit, I do every time I look in the mirror. I would not marry someone who looks like me. And, if I wouldn’t marry me, how can I trust someone who would?

10. Someone once told them that going to church wasn’t a bad thing to do if you happened to believe in God. So, some of them go to church. Some even join church groups.

And who in their right mind would marry someone with no daddy and a White Jesus?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Giiiiiiirl You Betta Quit College and Get Yo’ Man Boo!

WTF? Exactly.

WTF? Exactly.

Or something like that.

Yesterday, on a site I didn’t even realize that I’d heard of, the two superfly, debonair brothas of VSB were cited.

Let me take a step back first and address the first part of that sentence as to not seem like I’m big leaguing. A few years back in 2010, the term No Wedding No Womb (NWNW) hit the Internets with the force of an Aretha Franklin bra release. To be honest, I had no idea where it started, what it meant (though context clues helped eventually) or why anybody gave any f*cks about this concept. In fact, it wasn’t until yesterday that I found out that the site, Beyond Black & White, and namely its founder is the one who started the whole NWNW movement. I’m pretty sure Damon wrote about it. I’m pretty sure I ignored it wholesale. I’m gully like that. Point is, I’m oblivious to a lot of things that happen online amongst the reading ninja community. Half of the articles that get people into an uproar don’t cross my radar unless Damon writes about them or some woman I know brings them to my attention. I rarely, okay, I never read any of the sites reading ninjas read to figure out how reading ninjas feel about things reading ninjas should give any f*cks about.

Which brings us to yesterday. I have my Twitter set to send me a text message any time I get a mention. Randomly, I get a text message stating that somebody is talking about as long as women care about marriage people like @panamajackson (Twitter and Instagram, follow me now!) will have a job. I’m paraphrasing but its something like that. I go to check it out and its part of some pseudo convo happening amongst some women referencing us as that site that wrote “Girl, Don’t Get Raped” etc and how we wrote the book cited and how they gave us a full stop after that. Something along those lines. Well I checked the timeline and saw some women arguing about women being told they should sacrifice education for marriage or some such f*ckery. As a f*ckery savant and procurement expert, I had to delve. They linked to some article on some site I’d never heard of…Beyond Black & White.

The name of the article immediately caught my attention as it was supposed to. It read, “Black Women Are Spending Too Much Time and Effort Going to School, They Should Be Spending Time Trying to Get Married”. Dumb ass idea aside, I figured I should read this article. Okay. I have no f*cking clue what the point of this article was and it sure as sh*t wasn’t what the title suggested. But it’s possible I’m just not as smart as everybody else. I can live with this.

But lo and behold. halfway through the article I see a reference to our book, “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime.”

One dating advice book written by two African-American males is titled “Your Degree’s Won’t Keep You Warm At Night.” In the case of black women, like the Miami, FL based attorney referenced above, their degree’s aren’t even helping them pay off their student debt or maintain a halfway-decent credit rating.

I’d like to send a thanks for the potential new purchases of our book due to this shout-out though in the context of the article and the site I’m pretty sure we got cursed out for being men presumably telling women what else to do with their lives.

Full disclosure, I don’t mind being cited. In fact, it usually kind of rocks. I’d just prefer being included in an article that made sense. I’m still trying to get the general point. The title suggests, quite simply, that women need to close the three ring binder and focus on getting that single Olympic ring. Except that’s such a ridiculous notion I’m not even sure how it got passed editing. Or at least not the way its written.

watermelonThat only makes sense such that every woman views marriage as an actual accomplishment, which perhaps in our educated ninja complex and society, perhaps there’s merit. The regular ninjas I know stay married up though. I know women who’ve been married multiple times. Shoot, a solid 80 percent of the women I went to high school with are married. The only ones who aren’t are also extremely party-centric and ain’t about that married life. I tend to think this marriage problem is a very “high falutin’ ninja” hub problem. You know, DC-ATL-NYC-LA. I could be selling the problem short. I’ll concede this. I have a friend who talks so much sh*t about “DC men” and their commitment issues she might need to start a support group.

But, yes, marriage as an accomplishment. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Secondary to that though is this idea that women have to sacrifice one for the other. Or the higher level of educational attainment causes a sacrifice of marriage points so to speak because of the accrual of debt. And since according to statisitcs Black women are going to college at a higher rate than any other group but graduating at almost a low rate as Black men (the lowest rate of graduation) then women are going to college, accruing debt but ending no better off, so why not just cut out the middle man and focus on trying to find a husband. Or something. Basically, Black women are eschewing marriage for college while hoping to find a husband but losing out in all facets. Which totally blows.

I’m sure there’s some merit in the notion. I just think it was presented in a way that makes no damn sense whatsoever. And I’m sure somebody here will be more than happy to explain exactly how if Black women were smart, they’d go to the gym instead of college (not my opinion, just saying I’m sure somebody will say this). But it also makes it seem like there’s some secret to marriage when the fact is – and clearly I’ve never been married – it seems that for most people I know who are married it seemed like a matter of timing and meeting somebody you loved enough at a time when you were ready to make the leap. And if that’s the case then you can’t just “try to get married”. You have no control over that anyway.

For the record, my sisters, get that degree. It won’t keep you warm at night (this is true) but it can keep your heat on. Trust me, I’ve got without heat – I had no degree at the time – and that sh*t sucked tremendously. Yes, we’ve all mostly accrued debt due to our educations and yes that sucks. And yes financing one’s education often screws your ability to be the superstar you dreamt of. This is a common struggle. I just don’t see how this article truly explained how women getting degrees ruins their chances to get married. I don’t see how the two ideas were related in a way that made sense. And that would be all well and good since I read LOTS of articles that make THE dumbest links ever. Hell, I’ve written stuff that made no sense myself. Difference is, 90 percent of the time I’m doing it on purpose.

It would be all well and good if I ain’t see my brand associated with it. That’s no bueno. Not on an article that is going to make the rounds because everybody thinks its shawt bus shawty. Though that’s not really true. I read some of the comments to try to understand the article and it seems that many people think its a great article. I’m rambling since I don’t agree. So while I don’t mind being cited for better or worse (see above) I’d still prefer to be cited in something that at least made sense.

I wrote this whole post to say #shotsfired.

Do you think it makes any sense? Forget that, do you think there’s anything to the idea that women should stop trying to get those degrees mayne and should just start focusing on getting marred (assuming all women want to get married since, well, that’s the definite leap made in the article). Let’s just pretend that all the assumptions in the article are true or something. Hold me.

PJ out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. 1400+ aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Sistas In Science

***The Champ’s latest at Ebony profiles four Black women who happen to be close friends…and all happen to have PhDs in STEM fields. (VSB vets should recognize at least one of them)***

Four Black women. All friends. And, all granted PhDs in STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) fields before reaching 30.

What sounds the premise for an urban fairy tale has been the reality for Jessica Porter, 29, Marguerite Matthews, 29, Dahlia Haynes, 31, and Racquel Jemison, 27—a reality made even more unlikely when reading statistics about Black people and STEM PhDs.

According to the National Center for Education Statistics, Black people are 12% of the U.S. population and 11% of all students beyond high school, yet they received just 7% of all STEM bachelor’s degrees, 4% of master’s degrees, and 2% of PhDs. And, out of 5,048 PhDs awarded in the physical sciences, such as chemistry and physics, 89 went to Blacks—a number that gets even smaller when removing Black men.

Yet, Porter (a Boston native and current senior sensory scientist at Proctor and Gamble in Cincinnati) met Matthews (who matriculated at Spelman and is currently doing a post-doc at the University of Portland) in 2006 while both enrolled in the University of Pittsburgh’s neuroscience PhD program. In 2010, they met Jemison, a Morgan State grad and doctoral student at nearby Carnegie Mellon University (CMU) who will receive a PhD in chemistry this fall. A couple months later, Jemison introduced them to Haynes, a post-doctoral research associate at CMU who received her PhD in chemistry at Clemson University.

The ladies soon grew close, forming the nexus for a “crew” of grad students and young professionals who migrated to the Pittsburgh-area for work or school.

EBONY.com recently had the opportunity to sit down with them and discuss Black women in science, the importance of early STEM education, and the value of having a strong network of friends.

EBONY: Cases such as the one with Kiera Wilmot reinforce the idea that, from a lack of administrative support to Black students not given the same allowances other students are to experiment, there may be substantial social and institutional barriers preventing Black women from entering and excelling in science-based fields. Do you agree with this assessment?

Dahlia Haynes: This question reads unclear. I am not aware of this case but what allowances are we as Black women not getting? I, for one, have received great institutional support to excel in science based fields. I do believe however that it is because of the (White) people I had around me who were heavily invested in diversity. Socially, unfortunately is that there remains very few of “my people” in the STEM fields. This starts from an early age however. Where I’m from in particular, the only successful careers that were popularly known were the “Huxtables” (medical doctor or lawyer). To overcome this, being scientists has to become socially more acceptable at younger ages.

Marguerite Matthews: I don’t think there are barriers preventing Black students from going into or excelling in the sciences, per se. But I do think there is a lack of support, encouragement, and proper education for many Black students – especially those coming from more disadvantaged economic backgrounds. Similar to Dahlia, I had teachers who pushed me into STEM opportunities, which inspired me to pursue science in higher education and as a career. Exposure to these opportunities, and feeling empowered to thrive in the sciences, has made a world of difference. Unfortunately in the case of Kiera Wilmot, the stereotype that Black kids are thought of as criminals first, not scientists, is being reinforced. This type of experience – being faced with criminal charges – may totally deter her from pursuing science in the future. And while this likely isn’t the case for all Black children, it highlights that society often does not value Black children, even those who are proven to be good students, as future innovators and intellectuals.

Jessica Porter: I do not think that there are barriers preventing Black women from entering or excelling in science based fields any more than there are barriers for White women. Science remains to be a male dominated field so the issues from my experience have had to do more with being a woman than being Black. In addition, as  a Black woman, we check two boxes, which tend to be very important for funding especially at a time when scientific funding is being cut. I don’t want to think that the reason I received funding was because I was Black, but being Black did help. In most science fields, the government or non-profit organizations pay for higher education through grant funding, thus eliminating the barrier and making a scientific education cheaper and easier to pursue.

Racquel Jemison: I think I’m more inclined to agree with Marge.  There isn’t enough support for our young Black students to pursue interests in the sciences.  It’s primarily those few heavily involved teachers or mentors that encourage early exposure to the sciences, and quite frankly, there aren’t enough of them.

Read more at EBONY

On Black People And “Our” Homophobia

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1. As I listened to Jason Collins and Oprah discuss the extra “stigma” of being gay and Black, I couldn’t help but wonder how true the “Blacks are more homophobic than everyone else” sentiment truly is. I think many of us—myself included—have said it so much that we’ve accepted it to be true, and since we’ve accepted it to be true, we don’t bother challenging or even testing that theory. And, over time, this widely-held theory is repeated as fact.

I’m not here to argue whether it’s true or false (at least not yet), but how do we really know? Sure, we can cite a few rap lyrics or some loosely connected vagaries about Black people and Christianity, but all that might prove is that a certain type of Black person might be more likely to be homophobic. But, once you control for education, class, location, and any other environmental factors, how would we (Black people) fare?

This phenomenon sort of reminds of me of the theory that Black people are the worst tippers. Whether or not the theory might be true is inconsequential (And yes, I believe it to be true). It’s so ingrained into so many people’s minds that they don’t even bother challenging it, they use confirmation bias to strengthen their beliefs, and after enough circular thinking it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

2. I think that when people say that Black people are more homophobic than everyone else, what they’re really saying is that Black men are more homophobic than everyone else. Black women generally get a pass, and I think that pass is undeserved.

Generally speaking, I think straight Black women are more superficially accepting of homosexuals—more likely to have gay male or lesbian friends, more “comfortable” around gays, more likely to participate in the fight for gay rights, etc. But, when it comes to actual beliefs about what constitutes male homosexuality, they’re no different than the typical Black male, as both the typical Black male and the “gay-friendly” Black woman tend to believe that there’s no such thing as a bisexual male. Basically, if a man has ever participated in any type of non-straight activity—a one-time act, a thought, a recurring dream, anything—he’s gay now, and gay forever. This is homophobic.

3. I think quite a few women are going to read those last couple sentences and tell me that I’m wrong, that they and most of the Black women they know don’t have any homophobic bones in their bodies. I think that before they leave any comments today, they should ask themselves two questions: Would you date a man who had one gay experience fifteen years ago? If no, would your answer change if you were 100% certain he wouldn’t do that again? If the answer is still no, I’d like to know why. What is it about that one-time act that would completely eliminate a man from your consideration?

4. I think I’m anxiously waiting for the day some prominent person just stops the denials, double-talk, and mealymouthedness and just comes out and says “Yes, I’m homophobic.” I think I’ll be waiting a while for that to happen. I don’t mind that, though. I’ve been waiting a couple decades now for a public figure to just say “Yes, I’m racist. Can you stop asking me whether or not I’m racist now?” so if anything it proves I’m patient.

5. I think I don’t like it when certain people (and by “certain people” I mean “certain Black Christians”) are asked about their views concerning homosexuality, and are criticized for responding honestly. But, I also think that socially abhorrent views are meant to be criticized. I think my problem isn’t necessarily with the criticism but with the ambush tactics—ask someone a question even though you already know how they’re going to answer just so you can make an example out of them—especially from other “progressive” Black Christians.

6. I think you can ask a million Christians about the Bible and what they take from it and get a million different variations. I mean, we (Christians) all believe that, to paraphrase Bill Maher, there’s a “magic genie in the sky that’ll grant our wishes if we ask really hard,” so is it really that bad when one of us also believes homosexuality is a sin or that you can legitimately pray your gay away?

7. Speaking of progressive people and homosexuality, I think there’s a bit of a disconnect when it comes to what people are willing to admit. To wit, many people (myself included) believe that human sexuality exists on a continuum. Basically, there’s a sexuality scale that we all fit somewhere on. Most of us are gathered either at the gay end or the straight end, but the rest of us are somewhere in the middle.

But, if a scale exists, I think it also stands to reason that a person in the middle can consciously choose to be gay or straight. Yet, I think you’re unlikely to find a liberal/progressive person publicly admit that people who can actually make that type of choice exist because it opens a Pandora’s Box for “less enlightened” people to say “See, I told you that all gay people are only gay because they chose to be.”

8. I know I’m far from the first person to say this, but I think someone needs to invent another word to use to describe someone being uneasy around, unaccepting of, or hateful towards homosexuals. “Homophobic” just doesn’t seem comprehensive enough to capture all of that. Feel free to list any suggestions.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)