Tag Archives: black women

Yes It’s True…Black Guys Can Like White Girls AND Black Girls Too

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Do you realize that being seen with you means I can never go to the Essence festival again? Damn you cavewoman! Damn you!!!!

A week or so ago, our favorite least favorite (and newly single) professional athlete was spotted at The Watch The Throne concert with professional wifey Sanaa Lathan. Now, whether they just happened to run into each other there or were filming Loving Brown Sugar Basketballs Just Wright has yet to be determined, but apparently they were quite cozy. So cozy in fact that they were reported to be togethertogether, a rumor Lathan quickly shut down. 

From her Twitter feed

Can a girl have some fun at a jayz/kanye concert w/out being linked 2 a breakup? I AM NOT, NEVER HAVE BEEN, INVOVLED W/KOBE IN ANY WAY.

Whether they’re actually an item or not doesn’t matter to or interest me. They’re both rich, famous, black, and named after yoga poses, so I guess they’d be a good match. What does interest me, though, is the assumption that Kobe wouldn’t touch Sanaa in a million years, a sentiment she reiterated in her next tweet.

@justsanaa: Anybody who pays attention knows I’m not his type… Blank stare. #blackgirlsrock #dontbelievethelies¹

What exactly was she getting at? I mean, we’re all pretty certain that, despite his propensity for prolonged bitchassness, Kobe isn’t homosexual. He definitely does like women, so why wouldn’t he be interested in a woman as good-looking as Sanaa Lathan?

Ohhh, I get it now. Kobe was married to a non-black woman for a decade. This must mean that he’s definitely, automatically, unequivocally, and unquestionably not attracted to black women at all.

Now, I don’t know Kobe at all. He may very well hate black women with the white hot heat of 1000 AKA thongs. His favorite movies might be “The Imitation of Life,” “Othello,” and “Jungle Fever,” and his favorite animal might be the panda bear. Who the hell knows? I do know, though, that the widely held “fact” that if a black man dates outside of his race, it automatically means he’s not into black women is completely f*cking wrong.

Admittedly, I do understand where this sentiment comes from and why it’s so widely held. Centuries of having to deal with people like Satoshi Kanazawa can produce a circle-the-wagons mentality where any affront to black women’s desirability — real or perceived — is met with immediate rebuke. Also, there are some black men who, as soon as they reach a certain status level, put sistas on permanent ”ignore.” (This doesn’t happen as often as many of us think it does, but it does happen.)

Thing is, this theory ignores two vital facts.

1. Proximity and availability are easily the two most important factors when men are choosing mates. If you see a black man with a non-black women, 9 times out of 10 it’ll be because she happened to be around, happened to be single, and happened to be interested in him. That’s it. No self-loathing. No hatred of black skin. No angry tweets about Michelle Obama’s gums.

And, most importantly…

2. Women are all the same. 

Now, I’ve made no secret of my love, adoration, and admiration of black women. I’m completely attracted to and infatuated with them. Sistas are the sh*t and sh*t.  But, when it comes down to what makes a woman a woman, I also do realize that black women, white women, Asian women, Hispanic women, Indian women, aboriginal women, and women from Detroit aren’t really all that different. Sure, from an individual perspective they all have their own personal quirks and characteristics and nuances, but collectively all chicks are pretty much the same. (I feel the exact same way about men, btw. Despite my world-renowned awesomeness, there’s really no difference between me and some random New Zealand-ass n*gga.) 

I’m bringing this up because, once you realize that women aren’t really all that different from each other, you start to see how a man could be equally attracted to Jill Scott and Natalie Portman. (If you think this is too far-fetched of a comparison, you obviously don’t know me very well, and you obviously didn’t click on those last two links) In fact, you start to understand how a man could date/marry a white women even if he’s still much more attracted to sistas. Sh*t, I love female teachers, but that doesn’t mean that I’d never date a lawyer. (That last analogy was much more clever in my head than it is on screen, but I think you get my point.)

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m curious: When you see a black man with a non-black woman, do you automatically assume he’s just not that into sistas? Do you think you’re right to feel that way? If so, why, and how many hugs did you miss as a child?

¹This tweet has since been deleted

—The Champ

The Dance: Understanding Isaiah Mustafa

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Perhaps I should get back on my horse. It's much safer up there

I came across an episode of the latest season of “The Real World” last week. Although I’m no longer a regular viewer, I watched 10 minutes of it to find the answers to the same six questions that pretty much every black male casual viewer has when learning there’s a new cast

1. Are there any black people?

(If that answer is “Yes” and there’s at least one black female)

2. Are they good-looking?

3. Do they date brothas? (I know you shouldn’t be able to watch a black person on screen for 10 minutes and immediately be able to tell their racial dating preference, but I can and I’m pretty sure that most of you reading this can as well. Also, how much you care about the answer to this question usually directly correlates to how good looking they might be. Basically, we only care whether she dates brothas or not if she’s attractive.)

(If that answer is “Yes, there are black people on the show” and there’s at least one black male)

4. Does he represent? (In this sense “represent” basically just means “Is this a dude I could be cool with in real life?“)

(If there are no black people on the show)

5. Any cute white girls?

(If that answer is “Yes”)

 6. Do they date brothas? (Re-read aside #2)

I didn’t watch long enough to find the answers to my questions. (A bit of Google recon did prove that there actually is a black woman on the show — Alexandra, a Zimbabwean-American with an awesome Wiki page.) But, I did watch long enough to hear one of the cast members — a white dude (Nate) so consciously and stereotypically “white dude” that his white friends probably call him “White Nate” —  offhandedly describe what he’s looking for in a woman.

(Paraphrasing)

“You know, blond, blue eyes, big boobs, straight teeth, the usual”

I don’t recall if Nate said this in a confessional or to another roommate, but I do remember thinking the following thoughts when hearing it.

A) Generally speaking, blondes are at the top of the average American white man’s pyramid of attractiveness.

B) Natural blondes comprise a very small percentage of the population.

C) Nate is not blonde.

D) Nate will probably never be asked to defend, apologize for, or even explain the connection between #A, #B, and #C.

Now, you’re probably thinking that I’m going to examine why Nate’s preference stays a preference while a person of color expressing a similar preference for a rare and highly sought-after look usually becomes a complex. I’ll eventually get there, but what stood out in particular was how Nate’s statement was actually more of a mental muscle memory exercise than a fully thought out sentence.

I’m not saying that he doesn’t like blond, blue eyed, big tittied women, but the way he responded let me know that I’m sure he knows that’s a “safe” answer — the one that a person with his resume is supposed to give — so he repeats it without giving it much thought.

This isn’t uncommon. We generally know who and what we’re supposed to be attracted to, so instead of making waves, many of us (myself included) will just spout what we think people are expecting to hear. It’s really no different than the “How was your day?” dance we all love to do. The person asking usually doesn’t really want the answer, and the person answering usually doesn’t really want to answer.

This dance — where the steps vary depending on who you’re talking to and why you’re talking to them — is the reason why Isaiah Mustafa (better known as the Old Spice guy) is currently on a “Hey, I came out of a black woman’s vagina! I love black women and shit!” apology tour. Background: During an “E! News” interview a couple weeks ago, Mustafa was asked what he was looking for in a woman. His replies seemed innocent enough, until he mentioned that because of his natural naps, a woman he’d procreate with would need to have “good” hair to balance things out.

Predictably, this statement wasn’t received very well in certain segments of the blogosphere.

Now, aside from his Old Spice work and the fact that he might have the single blackest name I’ve ever seen in print, I don’t know anything about Isaiah Mustafa. But, although I’m a bit surprised that he wasn’t savvy enough to realize how charged and pejorative any mention of “good hair” could be, I don’t see anything particularly harmful or egregious with what he said.

Actually, let me rephrase that. His mistake wasn’t that he misspoke. He misstepped. He just made a wrong dance move.

Consider the context.

A) He’s an attractive actor known for his sense of humor and deadpan delivery.

B) He’s doing a very short and very light news spot for a very light network (E!) about a very light show (Charlie’s Angels) he’s currently on.

C) He was interviewed by an intentionally attractive woman (Giuliana Rancic)

With these factors in place, it’s easy to see what happened. He wasn’t trying to diss black women (or any woman who doesn’t have “good hair”). Instead, he was just attempting to play on that “I’m a handsome black guy, but I don’t take myself that seriously” persona he’s cultivated by talking shit about his own looks. Basically, he was flirting, and he made a self-depreciating funny — a funny no different than a short person joking that they need a tall mate to balance out their genes — that went too far

His mistake was failing to realize that a black man making certain jokes about himself can very easily touch on an extremely sensitive nerve — a phenomenon further exacerbated by the fact that when a person in what’s thought to be a somewhat privileged social position even jokingly implies that people at the opposite end of the spectrum aren’t mate worthy, a preference has a funny way of turning into a complex.

Now, Isaiah Mustafa may in fact have a complex and may in fact hate everything about his black skin. I don’t know, and I doubt anyone reading this knows either. But, you just can’t make that determination from his statement. A surprising lack of social savvy? Definitely. But not a damning example of self and sista hate.

Anyway, people of VSB, I’m curious: What are your thoughts about this situation? Do you think he’s guilty of serious self-hate, damned with a dumb dance move, or somewhere inbetween?

Also, so we can finally settle this once and for all, what the hell is the difference between a preference and a complex?

—The Champ

The Bottom Line: Why The Media Cares So Much About Black Women’s Dating Habits

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This picture has no connection to the post. Just thought we could all use a bit more Nicole Beharie in our lives

It’s a phenomenon that’s slowly becoming my own personal version of “Groundhog Day”

A major news source will publish a piece taking a “fresh and irreverent” look at black women’s dating woes. Occasionally this will be a news source that seemed to have no discernible interest in the lives of black women until they decided to place them under a microscope. (Seriously. At the rate we’re going, we’re maybe two months away from Hunting Illustrated running a cover feature titled “Not-So-Fresh Bait: Can a Successful Black Fisherwoman Find a Man?“)

I’ll first find out about it through Gmail, as I’ll get a notification from each of the dozen or so of my friends who’ve tagged me after posting a link to it on their Facebook pages.

Then, I’ll receive several dozen text messages, emails, phone calls, and tweets asking for “VSB’s official take” on the issue, as if they imagine Panama and I calling an emergency meeting as soon as the article hits the airwaves and staying up all night with our lawyers to craft a carefully-worded response.

“We have not yet seen the article in Hunting Illustrated nor have we spoken to any single black fisherwomen who can’t find men. Our expectation is that we’ll eventually handle this situation in a similar fashion to how things were handled the past few years. Having said that, we’ve been focused on other things in recent months, so we have to say that we may want to review some things and do things differently. But our present understanding is that there will probably be no change in the way this will be handled eventually”

Now, I’m sure my Groundhog Day-like experience isn’t unique. I’m certain many of you reading this go through a similar cycle whenever a new article about the decisions black women make about their vaginas goes viral.

But, it seems like a recent Wall Street Journal piece — one suggesting that more black female/white male marriages would actually raise the marriage rates for all black people — provided a change; a breaking point for many of us as the bulk of the discussion it created seemed to shift from the typical blame-gaming to a couple questions circling through our collective heads:

“Seriously, can this discussion get a f*cking break? Why the hell is the media so gotdamn worried about what’s going on in black women’s bedrooms?”

Depending on who you ask, the popular answer ranges somewhere between “White men are preternaturally obsessed with black booty. The recent release of “The Help” didn’t make it any better, as the thought of black mammies in tight white dresses stirred a primal lust that made the WSJ’s editors decide to go with that topic” and “It’s a conspiracy to destroy the black family and ultimately ensure that Sasha Obama never has a prom date”

But, while both of those theories have some merit, I believe the answer is much, much simpler: The media is obsessed with who, where, and what black women date because we’re obsessed with reading and talking about it.

That’s it. No conspiracy. No subterfuge. No byzantine plot to permanently sabotage black love. You aint going to get murked by any albino monks for finding out the “real” answer. The media gives a shit because we give (approximately) 100,000 of them, and us giving 100,000 shits means more links, more Facebook likes, more comments, more page views, and, most importantly, more ad money.

They’re not idiots. They’ve seen the oft-shared articles and features their colleagues have written about successful and single black women and how the church is holding black women back and how an urban black woman has a better chance of finding Lebron’s hairline than finding a man, and they want an invite to the orgy of easy page views too.

It’s the same reason why ESPN.com can’t go a week without having either Lebron or Brett Favre in a headline. It’s not, as many seem to think, about favoritism or agendas. It’s just that the editors know that any discussion about either of them will become the most viewed, shared, and commented on article for that day (and probably that week).¹

If anything, you could blame lazy writers and editors for rehashing the same topic, but that’s sort of like blaming a fisherman for going to the same part of the lake where he’s always been able to get lucky. He might be lazy, but you can’t blame him if the dumb-ass trouts never smarten up. Plus, as a person who has a bit of experience with the whole page views thing, sometimes deciding between “spending hours upon hours researching and writing something that might be read by 1,000 people” and “spending a hour writing something that’ll probably be read by 100,000 people” isn’t much of a decision at all.

So, you ask, how the hell do we solve this problem? How do we get the mainstream media off of our backs and out of our bedrooms?

Well, when Hunting Illustrated finally decides to publish “Not-So-Fresh Bait,” forget about how badly you want to read, rehash, resend, repost, and refute it, and ignore it. Ignore it completely and unconditionally. Ignore it like it’s Evelyn Lozada and your name is “Couth.” Ignore it how the planet Earth ignores The Game, how Rick Ross ignores ellipticals, how my bathroom mirror loves to ignore my “new” abs. Ignore it how whoever invited R. Kelly to Grand Marshall a back to school parade has obviously ignored any pretense they had about getting into Heaven.

I know this may seem excessive, but if we truly want these types of articles to stop, we need to start ignoring, omitting, overlooking, and neglecting them. If we don’t, well, the star-crossed plight of the black fisherwoman might be coming to your monitors very soon, and I don’t think I’m very excited to read about how her trout can’t keep her warm at night.

¹Ironically, a sizable percentage of the responses generated by these oversaturated topics comes in a “Who gives a damn?” format; a phenomenon where people somehow collectively forget that since they clicked on the article, registered for the site so they could leave comments, left a comment, left a captcha so that article would show up, and refreshed the page to confirm that their comment wasn’t moderated, they obviously give a damn too.

—The Champ

Why Brown Skinned Women Stay Losing In The Oppression Olympics

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Only a brown skinned woman could get away with this. Let a light OR dark skinned woman try this sh*t on a plane. SECURITY!

Have you ever noticed that when it comes to colorism in our community, it’s always the lightskinneded vs. darkskint? Even in the landmark ridiculous dance number in Spike Lee’s School Daze, it was a light versus dark thing. Somehow in all the hubbub, the brown skinned women never really get much shine.

And you know what? They don’t deserve any. Brown skinned women stay winning but always wanna ask why for come they don’t get any room at the table when people start complaining about skintoned ninjas on the Other Side Blocc. Nobody’s tossing greneades but they always trying to double dutch their way into the oppression olympics trying to steal the medals from the light brites and dark skint ninjas out there struggling in the struggle.

Oh, and I’d like to go on record her as saying this is relegated to women because frankly, when was the last time you really heard a man seriously lamenting the treatment he got because of his skin tone? Sure light skinned brothers aren’t in style anymore, but it seems like we never got that memo. Men just do men sh*t and rarely worry about it. Sure we joke and I’ve been called you ole light skinned motherf*cker plenty of times by my boys…but that’s usually right before somebody needs a homeloan or needs something from a white person. In Black Man America, we all benefit from being men first.

In fact, the only Black man that really cared was the cop in Boyz N Tha Hood who really needed a hug.  He (allegedly) hated black pepper AND the back of Forrest Whitaker’s neck. That’s self-hate.

Do you remember back in the day when you met somebody in a chatroom and you hit them with the A/S/L? Yeah, you remember. If those simple stats were to your liking then you skidadled on over to a private IM convo and started describing yourself to the other person. Men, we’re simple: we go light, brown, or dark. Women on the other hand…well, it’s a little different. And this is where brown skinned women stay winning and effectively losing at the oppression olympics.

Man: Hey girl, describe yourself.

Girl: I’m caramel complected.

Man: Damn girl. That sounds edible.

Brown skinned women are the only women who can get away with describing themselves in all kinds of sexxy food sounding good stuffs. I’ve heard nougat, pecan, caramel, (call me) almond, the color of love, milk chocolate, hot cocoa, sexual chocolate, etc. How the hell do you, brown skinned women, expect to get into the argument about who has it worse when everything you do to describe yourself sounds like something I want?

“I’m fudgy.” Ninja, I like fudge.

What’s a light skint chick? Soy milk? Ewwww. Ole lactaid heffa.

Or.

“Hey daddy, I look like black licorice! Or oil change.”

“I hate black licorice. Do you have any almond joy looking friends?”

One of our favorite go to insults is skin color. You can’t do that with a caramel chick!

“Ole light skint b*tch! She think she white.”

“Ole blue black b*tch! Pay your light bills ninja.”

Now, our brown skinned friend…

“Ole caramel, you sweet sexxy thaaaaaaang you, with nice syruppy legs walking away like ole … come back baby…you ain’t nothin’ with out me. The Temps without David Ruffin’ ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of fake ass Temps! With your sexual chocolate self. Make me want to bake a cake girl…aw girl. That’s why your glasses look like two wire hangers for elephant titties.”

Or something like that.

Simple yes, but it goes even further. Think about all of the songs with skin color attached to the title. It’s either Black woman, which is all encompassing, or “Brown Skin” or “Brown Skinned Lady” or “Doo Doo Brown”. I wish a ninja would make a song called, “Light Skinned Lady”. He’d have his ENTIRE Black card revoked by Blackness Anonymous and get drop squaded. But it goes the other extreme too. We are so pained by colorism, that if a man were to make a song strictly about dark skinned woman he’d either be assumed to be satirizing or trying to assuage some guilt he has. Or worse, just being patronizing. But noooooooooooooooo, brown skinned bombshells (<—–look at that, I did it subconsciously) get all the lyrical love. Sure, all black women can be “brown skinned ladies” too, but when you hear songs like that you don’t think Paula Patton. It drove her to a white man’s arms. With blue eyes. Devil.

That’s cool though. The honeybadger don’t care. The honeybadger don’t give a sh*t.

One of my favorite sites is Those Girls Are Wild, and Shannon (the lightskinnededed one) has a video where she talks about this very thing in more depth…calling on darkies and lighties to unite against the common enemy she calls medium toned women. Ridiculously hilarious. Peep that.

So good folks of the VSB, you feel me? Do brown skinned beauties have any place in the oppression olympics? Extremists…stand up.

Flashlight Mobb.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Four Ways To “Re-Brand” Black Women

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***Before we begin, we’d just like to welcome the lovely Liz Burr to “club 30″ today. She is the wind beneath our wings, the sim card in our smartphone, the Oreo pieces in our cookies and cream milkshake. Basically, she is the shit, and please wish her a very masculine birthday.***

"Paging Don at Sterling, Cooper, Draper Price"

There’s a running inter-office joke about “strong Black women.” I’d explain, but it won’t be funny because it’s one of those ‘you had to be there to get it’ insider things. But it all stems from how for the annual Do Right Men Issue years ago, there were like fifty guys featured and we asked all fifty, “What do you love most about Black women?” The logic was, Black women get so-piled on (that was for you Psychology Today) and many feel so unappreciated, overlooked, and criticized by Black men, that it would be a nice shout out to the ladies. Don’t recall the exact number, but almost all of them started out with, “they are strong…”

This excerpt is from Demetria Lucas’ “The Re-Branding of Black Women,” a piece that asks if our favorite go-to terms to favorably describe black women contribute to the feeling that sistas are somehow less feminine than other types of women. To that, I offer a resounding YES.

We can pretend all we want that there’s no such thing as a masculine adjective, but words like strong and resourceful and enduring and supportive sound more like you’re describing a plow horse or some industrial strength Brillo pads than a woman. Yes, women can definitely be “strong and resourceful and enduring and supportive,” when these types of words are always the first things we say when asked to volunteer what we love and respect about black women, it’s not difficult to start to understand why many of us don’t immediately associate “sista” with “feminine.”

It may seem like I’m playing a semantics game by harping on our word choice, but when attempting to re-brand black women — changing the conversation from “black women are less womanly” to “black women are the epitome of femininity” — everything matters. And yes, like Altria (formerly Phillip Morris) and Old Spice (whose series of quirky ads with Isaiah Mustafa resulted in an 11% growth in sales after the first “I’m on a horse” spot aired), black women are due for a serious re-branding.

Why? Well, it’s not that black women are any less beautiful, smart, feminine, and womanly than any other group of women. They’ve just had a couple hundred years worth of some really, really shitty PR.

Anyway, while we can’t change everything overnight, there are some things that we (black men and women) can start and stop doing to begin this process. Throwing away “strong” and thinking of another, softer go-to term when trying to describe black women (shit, how about “soft?”) is step one, and here’s a few more things we can all do.

Stop paying attention to idiots

This means no more conversation, text, blog, tweet, and email space should be given to Slim Thug, Albert Haynesworth, Yung Berg or any other not really all that high-profile imbecile who might have something disparaging to say about black women. Seriously, who the f*ck gives a f*ck about anything any of these people have to say about anything?

Sh*t, in the case of Yung Berg and Slim Thug, we’ve actually made them more famous and more relevant by paying attention to them (Yes, I’m guilty of this as well. Thanks for reminding me.), and entertaining these motherf*ckers does nothing but continue the “woe is me and my ugly-ass” mindset that leads to ghastly documentaries like “Dark Girls” being made.

End affirmative-action attraction

Look, if we want to be on an even playing field, I think we — and by “we” I mean “enlightened and educated negroes” — need to stop the well-intentioned but ultimately self-defeating process of referring to someone as beautiful just because they happen to be darker-skinned. Like with any other possible complexion, there are millions of extremely beautiful dark-skinned women. And, just like with any other possible complexion, there are millions of dark-skinned women who probably wouldn’t be at the top of most people’s looks scale…and that’s ok!!!

Life isn’t a 10 and under soccer league where every participant gets an award, and always making sure to include a token dark skinned girl when speaking of very pretty women is shameless pandering that 1) makes people tune us out because it seems like we’re “trying too hard” and 2) subconsciously reinforces the idea that a woman has to be considered beautiful by all for her to be useful¹. Just because a woman might never be on the cover of Vogue or Cosmo or XXL doesn’t mean that she can’t be on the cover of Time or Life or Black Enterprise, and it definitely doesn’t mean that there won’t be men or even just one man who is very attracted to her.

Create and maintain environments that allow women to be…ladies

While the rough exteriors and demeanors many African-American women work to maintain have been the cause of much consternation, many women either do this as a defensive mechanism or a learned and emulative behavior from those using it as a defensive mechanism. Basically, they learned to act that way because the environments that many of them grow up in forced them to learn to act that way.

And, while we can’t do much about racism, gentrification, the drug war, the recession, Detroit, or Michelle Malkin, we all (black men and black women) can work to create a community where a visibly unburdened sista is the rule instead of the too rare exception.

Anyway, people of VSB: The homie Demetria began this conversation, and I’d like to extend it. In light of the Dark Girls documentary (this year’s early favorite in the annual “Hard To Watch” awards), the Psychology Today Mess and more, do you think black women just need a little “re-branding?” If so, what else would you do to start this process?

¹This is something I’ve been guilty of as well. It’s no accident that I 1) make sure to list brown to dark-skinned black women (ie: Kenya Moore, Nona Gaye, Bria Myles, etc) when I namedrop attractive women and 2) make sure to list lighter skinned women and/or white women (ie: Lisa Lampanelli, Evelyn Lozada, etc) when naming random unattractive women. Shameless panderer I am.

—The Champ

No rapture means that God wants you to stay on Earth and purchase the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”