Tag Archives: bipolarness

thanks and sh*t. seriously

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my dad’s pancakes.

the nba league pass.

“the broke diaries”

my exquisite beard

a nice supply of starch, along with a reliable iron and ironing board

cocktail sauce

soap

the closer i get to my favorite holiday, the more i reflect on everything that makes my life more enjoyable. when your head is glued to a computer monitor 8 hours a day nose is stuck to the grindstone, its easy to lose sight of the positive aspects of our lives, and i’m not so holier than thou that i can’t admit that sometimes, it does take the presence of an event like thanksgiving to help me remember that.

with this, as well as the seemingly constant acrimony between the sexes in mind, i’ve decided to devote today to naming a couple things i’ve always appreciated about women.

the bipolaresqueness

although i’ve said this many times before, its worth repeating. as much as i talk sh*t and incessantly rail about women’s seemingly inherent manic-depressiveness…i wouldnt want ya’ll any other way. i realize that, generally speaking, women are typically more emotional beings than we are. you can argue whether or not the cause of this is nature or nurture, biology or socialization, but you can’t argue this truth.

thing is, that same reservoir of emotion and feeling is part of what enables women to put up with our admittedly maddening bullsh*t, a dichotomy that allows them to be come off as hardwired assh*les (heh) while still loving us with all of their conniving, manipulative hearts

the giggle

theres nothing more synonymously feminine than the giggle, and nothing more endearing than a woman who isn’t afraid to. from a bi-product of playful bedroom teasing to the recognition of a blush worthy comment, the giggle has myriad uses…each of them as alluring and adorable as the next.

***honestly, the jiggle and the giggle subtests hold equal resonance on the wife exam. seriously. for those women intensely cramming for the next scheduled round of tests, here’s a virtual cheatsheet from the champ. if you manage to giggle while walking and jiggling your hips, you’re guaranteed at least a b minus***

the initial demure“ooh” sound

a sign of better things to come (lazy pun intended), there might not be a better sound on earth than the one women make when you first, ummm, “pass the guarded gate“. for some its accompanied by a deep exhale and extended closing of the eyes. for others its anything ranging from a wince of painfully pleasurable ambivalence to a slightly whispered “damn“, but regardless of whatever else comes with it, that first demure “ooh” when you first enter her body, that first non-ambiguous recognition of another person inside of her, makes all the trials and tribulations you willingly partake in to get to that point worth it

i could continue, but i’m trying to keep this entry under 20,000 words, lol.

so, people of vsb.com…what exactly about the opposite sex are YOU grateful for?

—the champ


hop in the delorean

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letter to a young champ,

1. relax. between the ages of 16 to 23, the phrase “its really not that serious” is applicable for every chick you’re interested in, and, to be honest, vice versa. the sooner you realize this the better off you’ll be

2. that one chick from college (you know who)? get off her d*ck. keep doing you and don’t treat her like the be all end all of all black women. sh*t, you’re a freakin ballplayer and, in a decade or so, thousands of people across the country who’ve never even met you will refer to you as “the champ“. you don’t need to be sweating anyone that hard, dog. and, to be perfectly honest, you don’t really want to sleep with her. i mean, yeah you do…but your motivation to bone has gone from pure curiousness to pure ego. you dont even think she’s hot, and the only reason you want to fu*ck her is because you havent been able to yet.

3. sasha from caribana? do everything humanly possibly to get her the f*ck back to your hotel room, even if it means paying your man to step to and bag one of her hideous ass girls. you won’t be able to call her the day next because your phone is going to die as soon as you leave the club, subsequently erasing the numbers you just put in there (damn sprint!!). other than some carl thomas vid from 2005 that you’ll swear you saw her in, you will never see or hear from her again.

4. you’ll eventually find out that the chick from the bookstore is bipolar. not your typical garden variety chick bipolarness either, but she’s seriously been diagnosed as a manic-depressive. i not saying that you still shouldnt bag her because she is fine as frog hair and doesnt disprove that myth about crazy chicks in the sack, but it’s still good to know things like this.

5. that slight technical variation you incorporated into your boning style in 2002? good job. i’d admonish you for not thinking about doing that sooner, but, to be honest, college aged chicks aren’t ready for that, so it was probably for the better

6. dont wait another year. it’s not going to get any better, and the longer you wait, the more difficult it’s going to be to do it. end it as soon as the idea of ending it first gets into your head. yeah, its gonna hurt, but thats part of being a grown-up, and you’ll realize down the line that you definitely made the right decision.

this is it. sure, there’s a bit more i can tell you…especially at least 12 very good reasons not to put your lips anywhere near the vicinity of kim’s well-traveled mouth, but knowing everything would take the fun out of everything you’re eventually going to do. just follow you gut, cross your t’s and dot your i’s, and dont allow yourself to be seduced by tipsy snizzles your freshman year of college.

signing off,

the champ

(btw, i’ll explain the meaning of this new nickname in due time)

so, slutty mature folk of vsb.com, if you could hop into your personal relationship delorean and give advice to your former self, what the hell would you say?

—the champ