Tag Archives: bill simmons

how helena andrews (and every other successful and lonely young black woman) can improve her luck

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i’ve never met helena andrews, and i most likely never will.

but, after reading “successful, black, and lonely” and watching the corresponding video, i can say that i’ve known, dated, slept with, talked to, discussed, consoled, admonished, sympathized with, and theorized about her my entire adult life.

i also know that her washington post profile will probably spawn a nation-wide discussion about the perpetually single successful black female of the saks fifth serengeti, and that ms andrews and her upcoming memoir (“bitch is the new black”) will be dissected, debated, and dichotomized more times than drake’s appeal.

admittedly, i don’t know exactly why ms. andrews herself is single. her lonely lot could be due to anything from bad choices, bad luck, and bad timing to haughtiness, hopelessness, and halitosis. but, i’ve known enough of her doppelgangers to have a pretty good idea of a few things she might be able to do (or stop doing) to improve her fortune: Continue reading →

pants on fire: 7 things we (men) like much more than you think we do…even though we’ll never admit it

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as you’re all very aware of, the very smart brothas of verysmartbrothas.com (as well as liz’s boobs) are committed to fighting crime by utilizing means such as communication enhancement, relationship metacognition, intensive hoodrat reeducation and ho saving to achieve our goals.

subsequently, you’re all probably unaware of the fact that panama and i risk our lives to provide this service, because divulging the type of information we do greatly upsets many people, especially those with neck tats and vowel-less last names

as another example of how committed we are to do and say things you won’t find anywhere else, heres seven things we (men) like much more than you think we do…even though we’ll never, ever publicly admit it Continue reading →

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******10:00am edit******

***from possessing the ability to speak for three consecutive hours about the unique merits and deficiencies of flip murrays handle to his exaggerated pigeon-toed pittsburghese swagger, there are many great things about being the champ.

one of them, the ability to change a vsb topic at 10:00am after waking up and realizing that the premise was stupid completely loathing it, will be seen right about now.***

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“…nearly all SINGLE woman between the ages of 25-40 will do whatever it takes to land an appealing male, even if that means trashing whatever female code of ethics that allegedly exists. This is why women don’t trust other women. This is why Hollywood makes movies in which Ali Larter tries to steal Stringer Bell from Beyonce. You never see a movie in which Stringer Bell tries to steal Beyonce from Omar Epps. Why? Because no guy would like that movie. It would just make us angry. We would sit there thinking, “That’s not cool; this would never happen.” But if I took the Sports Gal to see “Obsessed,” she would say, “I can’t believe Beyonce is letting this happen,” or “I would have sniffed this girl out 20 minutes ago.” Sorry, I win this argument. I just do.”

—bill simmons, 5/5/09

according to biblical scholars, the original book of genesis contained eve’s sister, lakeisha janay. apparently, lakeisha would repeatedly test eve’s resolve and right cross by flirting with adam and stealing her figs. eve eventually prevailed after strangling lakeisha to death in the mudlands of listoria, cementing eve’s queen bee status while also providing ancient men their first mental template for penthouse mag.

although king james’s wife eventually forced him to edit this portion out, the fact remains that since the dawn of time, the fmf (female-male-female) romantic triangle (or, in ray j’s case, hexagon) has been a source of intrigue, amusement, and entertainment.

as simmons and many others have already stated, we already know the what. i’m concerned about the why. why do we (men and women) get so allured when women duke it out for a dude, and so appalled when the opposite occurs?

—the champ

link of the week: the booty-call contract

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one of my favorite writers, bill simmons (aka “the sports guy”) from espn.com took a stab at a “booty-call contract” a few years ago in one of his mailbags. today, because of an intense clamoring for such a document from the legions of excessively horny men and women who frequent this site, i’ve decided to post it as an entry. enjoy.

1. You can’t call it a “booty call.” No self-respecting guy would ever use a phrase like that. Back in the day, I always used the phrase “stop-by” because it was intentionally ambiguous. Guys like ambiguous. It makes us feel comfortable. “Booty call” sounds like something Arsenio Hall would say to Magic Johnson in the late-’80s, followed by them both collapsing on an oversized sofa in hysterics.

2. No weddings or functions of any kind. For one thing, you can’t meet anyone else if you already have a date, and weddings are an absolute hookup gold mine in your 20s (so why remove that option for yourself?). Also, you’re opening yourself up to people coming over to you and saying, “So, what’s going on with (fill in Date’s name)?”, and then you have to pooh-pooh the whole thing and people will mistakenly think that either he’s gay or you’re a harlot. This is much worse than anyone thinking you’re single (and possibly available).

3. No unannounced stop-bys. You have to call first. I wouldn’t put a time limit on phone calls — the hotline should be open 24 hours a day.

4. I would leave in the provision of one or both parties saying, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” because it’s tradition, as well as a nice litmus test — if they say they’ll call you tomorrow, and they actually do, they might be developing real feelings and/or have accidentally stumbled across “When Harry Met Sally” on HBO 7 later that night and gotten the wrong idea. I like the safety of “I’ll call you tomorrow.” It’s right up there with a woman saying, “I’ve never done anything like this before.” It’s just good to get it out of the way.

5. If you’re doing the F.W.B. thing with a guy who’s actually bitching because you won’t let him sleep over, you need to re-evaluate things. What guy wouldn’t rather wake up in his own bed?

6. You should probably negotiate which actions aren’t allowable before you enter into the contract. As your attorney, I would allow ALL actions and negotiate a provision that explicitly says “both parties will exhibit good hygiene at all times.”

so, good people of vsb.com, what are your thoughts? thorough? perfect? incomplete? what would you add, and what would you leave out?

—the champ