Tag Archives: beyonce

Jay-Z: Relationship and Marriage Role Model? Eh, I Don’t Think So

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Yeah, man. They bought it hook, line, and sinker. It cracks me up too.

Aside from the obvious, the 2008 public ascension of the Obama family had numerous peripheral effects on our culture, including (but not limited to)….

1. We all joked about this at the time, but you can make the argument now that Barack Obama did actually bring light-skinned men “back in style.” Perhaps it’s just coincidence, but at this moment the most popular young rapper, most popular young black entertainer, and most popular young black athlete all easily pass the paper bag test. Hmm.

2. We assumed that seeing the Obama family in the White House would have a panoramic effect on dating and relationships in the black community. It did, but just not in the way we expected it to, as “Wait a second, if Michelle found Barack, how come the rest of you educated black chicks can’t find any men?” became the dominant conversation of the past three years.

While he didn’t exactly sign any bills or pass any laws to make sure that light-skinned black men would no longer be oppressed, Obama’s status as a symbol, a cultural icon is so powerful that he’s able to affect change by just existing.

Jay-Z, the most famous new father on Earth, obviously doesn’t have the same cultural cache as the president, but he’s extremely influential nonetheless. So influential, in fact, that there’s been a burgeoning conversation that Jay’s apparent love for Beyonce and his new daughter might possibly have some peripheral effect on black males everywhere, who’d hopefully stop (collectively) dicking around and finally realize how cool it is to be a loving husband and doting father.

This conversation crescendoed yesterday with the release of “Glory” — a song devoted to his infant daughter and featuring his infant daughter. Saccharin? Sure, but if Google and the blogosphere are any indications, it definitely helped to cement Jay-Z’s new status as a certified positive relationship and marriage role model…a sentiment that’s about as far from the f*cking truth as you can get.

Again, Jay-Z does appear to be in a very happy and healthy relationship, and that’s commendable and enviable. But calling the Jigga Man a relationship role model is like lauding the Nazis for turning Germany’s economy around; you can’t completely eschew the means just so you can lavish praise on the end. In Jay-Z’s case, his super duper awesome marriage is a direct result of the decades of dirt he did to get where he is now.

But, forget about that for a sec. Let’s say that Jay-Z is actually a relationship and marriage role model. Since he’s a role model, a young man would be wise to attempt to follow in his footsteps. In order to do this, the young man would have to do each of the following things:

Spend his late teens and early 20′s amassing a small fortune while being a malignant cancer to his community.

Use the money accumulated by being a cancer to fund a new business venture.

Amass an even larger fortune by unapologetically outlining, in detail, everything he did while he was being a malignant cancer to his community. Do this for 15 years.

Sleep with perhaps hundreds of different women, and amass more of a fortune by unapologetically outlining, in detail, every possible way to diss, demean, degrade, and just generally sh*t on the women he was able to sleep with. Do this for 15 years, too.

Use status and fortune obtained by A) being a cancer, B) outlining exactly how he was a cancer, C) sh*tting on women, and D) outlining exactly how he sh*t on women to bag one of the most sought after women on the planet. Marry said woman.

Ironically, most of the statements I’ve heard about Jay-Z being a relationship role model have come from women.

Why is this ironic? Well, they’re right. Jay-Z already is a role model…for all the men who want to be able to do as much dirt as they can in their 20′s and 30′s and still be able to pull a young hot chick when they’re a decade away from AARP and finally ready to settle down.

These women fail to realize that they’re indirectly praising and promoting the type of behavior they abhor. While it’s true that Jay-Z probably does genuinely love and adore his wife, men like that can only consider “loving” after they’ve made monsters out of dozens of women. Basically, his life is the blueprint for how to be a successful diva dude.

I imagine the tone of this post makes it seem like I’m anti-Jay-Z, and that’s totally not true. I think he’s many positive things. The greatest rapper of all-time. A savvy businessman. An instinctual opportunist. A cultural icon. A real life Horatio Alger tale. A (seemingly) great husband and father.

But, as Panama’s piece last week about Common reminds us, we have to be careful with assigning certain titles to people who don’t deserve or even want them. And, regarding Jay-Z’s new status as the marriage and relationship role model for young black men, be careful what you wish for because it just might happen.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Blue Ivy Carter: The First Black “Celebrity Baby”

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Everyone reading this can probably recall two or three news events that impacted you so much that you’ll always remember exactly where you were and what you were doing when you first heard about it.

These occurrences, forever etched into our consciousness, can be split into two different types, and both types have to do with how we felt when we first became aware of them

Type 1. “This is some historic sh*t.”

Type 2. “Damn. I didn’t realize it at the time, but earlier I witnessed some historic sh*t. I should probably make sure I remember this.”

For instance, I was sitting on the couch at my parent’s house during the infamous Pacers-Pistons brawl, and from the moment Ron Artest jumped into the stands I knew I was watching something I’d always remember. I immediately knew it would be a landmark event, immediately knew it would dominate any conversation I had for the next 72 to 96 hours, immediately knew it would have a transformative impact on the NBA, immediately knew that I’d always remember exactly where I was when it happened, and immediately knew it would cement Ron Artest’s status as the highest-functioning crazy motherf*cker on the planet.

On the other hand, the “etchededness” of 9/11 — an event I’m sure would be on most American’s lists — wasn’t as immediate. Sure, I remember exactly where I was when first hearing that tower one was hit by a plane, but it wasn’t until later that morning that I realized exactly how historic of an event that would be. (The first thing I said after my roommate woke me up to tell me that a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center? “They need to stop letting Harlem n*ggas in flight school.”)

The news of the birth of Blue Ivy Carter does neither. I will not remember where I was when I first heard saw it trending on Twitter, and if anyone outside of the Carter/Knowles circle has “Where I was when I first heard Beyonce had a baby” forever etched into their brains right now, they must have some sh*tty-ass brains.

With that being said, I wonder if, 20 to 25 years from now, the birth of Blue Ivy Carter will be an historically relevant moment. I realize this seems like hyperbole — she’s not even two days old and it sounds like I’m already reserving her star on the Walk of Fame — but she’s already made history. She’s the first African-American ever who was famous before she was even born.

Think about it. There have been black child stars (Michael Jackson, Emmanuel Lewis, Raven Symone, etc), black stars who had children at the height of their fame, famous children of uber-popular black people (Malia and Sasha Obama) and even established black stars who had children while at the height of their fame and saw those children become famous while they were still children (Willow and Jaden Smith).

But, never has there been a child produced by an African-American couple while both mother and father were A-list celebrities; a baby whose potential first name, last name, size, facial features, complexion, future, inherited traits, musical talent, business acumen, connection to the Illuminati, and existence (Remember, there was an actual debate a few weeks ago over whether Beyonce was even pregnant.) was discussed, debated, joked on, and theorized about by hundreds of thousands of people before she was even here.

With all that being said, I have no idea what all of this means. I have no idea if her birth is truly the most “post-racial” moment ever. I have no idea if Blue Ivy Carter is truly the most post-modern baby ever. I have no idea what her birth signifies, or if it even signifies anything at all. .

And, aside from the likelihood of Blue Ivy Carter being the first African-American baby to cause a multi-million dollar bidding war for the rights to print her pictures first, I (obviously) have no idea how the life of the first black celebrity baby will play out. I know it won’t be “normal” but I’m not going to assume it’s going to be completely abnormal either.

But while I don’t know what any of this means, I do know that the birth of Blue Ivy Carter definitely matters. How, you ask? I don’t know. I know that it matters/will matter, but I don’t know why. Ask me again in 20 to 25 years.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

5 Reasons Why I’m Happy That Beyonce’s Pregnant

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***The Hill Review — a literary magazine blending essays, excerpts, reviews, fiction, poetry, criticism, cartoons and more to capture all things African-American culture — is launching Monday, September 12th. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter, and, if interested in being a part of this, hit us up at submissions@thehillreview.com (But please read our submission guidelines first)***

Although I wasn’t as affected as some by the news that our favorite thundergoat is indeed with child, I have to say that my typically sardonic self was actually moved by her big baby bump reveal during the VMA’s. I couldn’t help but be elated by the look of sheer joy that beamed from her face. I even stopped tweeting the event because I couldn’t find it in me to continue to be snarky. (Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been even half as happy about anything as she was on stage that night.)

It’s been three days since this happened. But, despite the fact that the Beyonce bliss has subsided a bit, the pop culture devotee in me still remains excited by this news. Why? Well…

1. We’ll finally get to see her take a gotdamn seat

I’m not quite sure why Beyonce hasn’t sat down in 15 years, but I’ve narrowed it down to three likely reasons:

A) While walking on the beach as a child, she accidentally kicked a giant sea shell. The genie inside was royally pissed, and cursed her to a lifelong paralyzing fear of seats, benches, couches, lawnchairs, bleachers, toilets, cardboard boxes, and anywhere else a person could possibly rest their behind.

B) She’s an alien from a planet where they don’t have knees

C) She just has very bad hemorrhoids.

Either way, I’m as curious as anyone to see what happens when Beyonce’s baby forces her to sit for the first time this century. If I had to guess, her meeting a chair for the first time will probably look something like this…

2. We’ll finally get to see her take a gotdamn seat…and we’ll finally get a chance to tell the person we all know who always says “The only reason why ***insert name of some other random R&B chick*** isn’t at the top of the game is because Beyonce won’t let anyone else shine” to shut the f*ck up

For all the criticism the thundergoat gets, the one that makes the least amount of sense is when people somehow make Beyonce responsible for the fact that their favorite moderately talented R&B chick isn’t more popular. And yes, I’m speaking directly to YOU, fan of Ciara, Keri Hilson, Kelly Rowland, Christina Milian and any other poor man’s Beyonce who somehow thinks that she’s the reason why your favorite artist’s albums always go double plywood.

But now, since Bey’s presumably going to be taking an extended break from the game, we’ll see if Michelle Williams, Teairra Mari, and Monica are finally able to release those multi-platinum, Grammy award-winning albums that Beyonce has been actively thwarting. Don’t hold your breath.

3. I’m curious to see whose genes will win

Whether you think Jay-Z is handsome or not, you can’t deny the fact that he has a couple very, um, “strong” features. And, since there might be no NBA season, the question of whether his genes will beat out the equally strong creole hybrid mutant Knowles genes might be the best one-on-one battle we’ll see all year. My money’s on Hov.

4. I might be able to renew my animus for parents who give their children hyphenated names

As I was telling a friend yesterday, I seriously get the urge to punch every parent who gives their child a gotdamn hyphenated last name. Why? Well, for the first 10 years of my life, I was a child with a gotdamn hyphenated last name. You have no idea how much confusion that causes children and how much it annoys and pisses off all the school administrators, doctors, school bus drivers, and lunchladies they’ll have to deal with. Why should a child have to go through years of agony just because their parents couldn’t decide on one gotdamn last name?

Anyway, all that to say that if they go ahead and curse this child with a Knowles-Carter moniker, I’ll definitely be ready and willing to mush the sh*t out of both of them too.

5. We’ll finally be able to give the media the ultimate racial litmus test

There has never been an famous African-American couple whose baby generated the type of attention and media coverage that Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt received. Now, this is for good reason. Why? Well, there never has been an African-American couple who A) both were insanely rich and famous and B) were pregnant while they were household names. (No, Will and Jada don’t count. If you need to ask why, you probably need to be at another site)

In this regard, Jay-Z and Beyonce are pioneers, and it’ll be interesting to see if their baby attracts that same type of 24-7 media attention and affection. If it doesn’t, well, there will be a pretty prominent reason why it’s not getting the same love.

Actually, lemme rephrase that. There will be a pretty prominent reason why it’s not getting the same media love. But, if it comes out looking like this…

…the lack of love might be understandable

Anyway, people of VSB.com: How do you feel about the Beyonce pregnancy? Happy? Sad? Indifferent? Mad that people actually feel anything about the pregnancy of two people they’ll never, ever, ever, ever meet?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

Dodging Bullets of Love With Beyonce!

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Look at my chinchilla. Pet cemetery ni**a.

That damn Beyonce.

At this point, I honestly think she makes songs strictly to drive me crazy. Beyonce just released her aptly titled “4″ album. It’s an album full of songs that most of us will not remember minutes after listening, but apparently many people love. Sometimes, I think that I get different versions of albums than everybody else because my versions suck and others don’t. Oh well. One particular song on this bizarre ryde to the pharcyde is “Best Thing I Never Had”, which I believe was penned by Babyface and some other men who write songs for women about how women feel about men. Though, if my name was Babyface…still…I’m sure I’d be able to tap into that same soft place that Drake taps into as well. Maybe they should start a group called Prison Mentality and release an album called “I Dropped The Soap”.

An-t-way, “Best Thing I Never Had”. I hate this song. I’ve been trying to figure out why and it dawned on me the other day…again, the entire premise is off on this song. It’s…wait for it…

…wait for it….

…flawed and all.

*rimshot*

Le sigh. So this song, as you can imagine by the title, is about a chick who is dating a man though there’s no real commitment (I’m assuming) since she’s the best thing he never had and she’s the best thing he never had. Rah rah rah, sis boom bah.

Before I go into it, I kind of hate a lot of female empowerment songs. I know that sounds jacked up but hear me out. It seems like most of them are geared towards keeping chicks off that gallon of ice cream after a break up. Every single song is like a 3 minute version of For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When Rainbows, Lucky Charms, and Four Leaf Clovers Weren’t Enough. The men being taken aim at all suck…which is fine. That part makes sense. Except, they all take the unnecessary and just wrong step of assuming that the man is worse off without her. And let’s be real…considering its a buyers market out here for men, if we thought we’d be better off with you, we’d stay. But we don’t so we…don’t. Granted, I understand why songs end up this way, it just always annoys me.

I guess I just wonder if that’s what women really do to make each other feel better? Just tell their friends that the dudes life sucks without them? What liars. No wonder so many women are ready to stab their exes when they see them out. The ex-boothang is supposed to be miserable but instead he’s out spraying champagne on scantily clad women tossing wads of 1′s at Amber Rose and smiling.

And this song is no different.

I know you want me back
It’s time to face the facts
That I’m the one that’s got away
Lord knows that it would take another place, another time, another world, another life
Thank God I found the good in goodbye

So here’s my beef…if they were never really together, how exactly is she the one who got away? Clearly their not soul mates or he wouldn’t be f*cking up right? And ultimately, how in Sam Hill would she ever KNOW that she’s the best thing that he never had. It ain’t like he’s going to call her some years from now and say, “you know, Beyonce song written by Babyface, I know we never truly got together and fell in love and shared something real like Mary J. Blige and K-Ci, but what I envision our relationship could have been…well, that was better than anything I’d ever be able to get…even though I have no idea what dating you in a committed situation would be like. Thank God you found the good in goodbye. Even though we were kind of just dating and stopped, since I showed my a** somehow – how exactly did I do that…I mean she really was my cousin – I definitely lost out on the opportunity to break up with you in the future because of your flaws and all.”

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
Baby good lookin’ out

I’ve heard more women talking about dodging bullets than a little bit. What up with that? I actually had a chick say that about me once though she sort of denied that she was talking directly about me. Anyway, what did he blow? The chance to be with you? How do you know he wanted to be with you? Did he ever say this? You say you almost fell in love so you were ready and he was taking his time? Sounds to me like he wasn’t trying to lock you down anyway which means…ta da…he good.

He happy.

He dodged a bullet. Not you. More men feel like this than you know. You dropped him. Allow me to speak for him…”thank you.”

I bet it sucks to be you right now

Um, based on this song it kind of doesn’t. In fact its kind of cool since chances are you gave up the snappy nappy dugout. Now, get it right, I’m glad you’re finding power in this situation and able to move on. Great…let’s do lunch and tweet about our dates.

Look, I realize that I’m reading a lot into a song sung by a woman who wrote “Bootylicious” and who’s most famous lyric just might be “to the left, to the left” but for some odd reason, she seems to make songs that while I enjoy, seem outwardly non-sensical in the real world of logic.

Basically, I get worried that a lot of women will misconstrue their situations as being of the “Best Thing I Never Had” variety when most of these chicks need to be singing the lyrics to Deniece William’s song “Silly.”

Anyway, good folks of VSB, am I offbase here? It this just an attempt at misguided self-esteem buildling? Or is Beyonce singing the words that resound so deeply for so many women out there? Is Beyonce the theme music for female empowerment?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka BILLY BOB BEATDOWN BROWN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Flawed And All: An Examination of A Female Mantra

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I'm the one talking but I'm telling you to be quiet. Love me, flaws and all.

My favorite Beyonce song in her academically and emotionally jarring catalog is “Flaws And All”. Now, I love it because of the music, the vocal arrangements, and the pseudo trip-hop feel it has. Dummy it is not, but it felt like a departure to me from most of the extremely accessible music of the thundergoat.

However, it might be the most ridiculous song ever. And yet, more women attest to their personal love for this song and siren to the social media gods that they should be accepted, flaws and all at an alarming clip. See, it would seem that most women can personally relate to this song. And I believe that to be true as I think its the most ridiculous song ever. See what I did there?

Flaws and all, as a mantra, is the embodiment of chick logic. Especially since most women swear fo’ Got and three white men that men are the sources of the majority of their problems. And you know what, I might come around on that one. And do you know why? Because in this song, (and assuming that most women feel the same way) the woman is giving the man EVERY possible reason to bail. EVERY LAST ONE. And yet we stay and wonder why. Which is, of course, exactly why you love us. Or me. Or you. Whomever loves you. Women loves us because we put up with their (self-admitted, but fully inadmissible in court) non-sense. Except, its expected anyway. I guess I’m not sure whose winning or losing here. Maybe the city of Detroit. Me no know.

I’m losing my way. I guess that’s also why you love me. Or us. Or you. Whomever.

Let’s examine the lyrics.

Ahem.

First verse:

I’m a trainwreck in the morning/I’m a b*tch in the afternoon/Every now and then without warning/I can be really mean towards you

That first stanza alone is reason enough to me to get the f*ck out of Dodge. Let us continue.

I’m a puzzle yes indeed/Ever complex in every way/And all the pieces aren’t even in the box/And yet you see the picture clear as day

Actually, he doesn’t. He’s confused too. He’s confused as to why in Sam Hill he’d be with a woman who admits she’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic. In one verse, this woman has admitted that she gives bad face in the morning, is a b*tch in the afternoon – which comes EVERYDAY, mind you- and can just pop off for no reason. Not to mention she’s not all the way there. Oh, and delusional for thinking that we see her clear as day.

How can we? ALL THE PIECES AREN’T THERE. Delusional.

Then, to complete the murder, this woman goes on to admit that she doesn’t know why her man loves her…which is of course, why she loves him. Mostly because she’s trippin and he always seems to catch hell her. So from the woman’s vantage point, the full on acceptance of her as a totally flawed being is the truest expression of love.Which in this case it might be considering she’s basically told him to walk away. No Jade.

Effectively, women love men who make bad decisions. Because that’s what Brian Boitano’d do.

But wait! There’s more.

And that’s not to even mention the second verse where she admits to being a poor nag who is running on the fumes of potential.

No. Let’s look at this from another angle. Ladies, how many of you would accept a man who sang this song:

I’m not good at communication/I wish you could be seen but rarely heard/I don’t always like coming home to you/Sometimes I feel more married to my work

I like to leave the toilet seat up/And I will forget to empathize most days/I don’t want to share my feelings/And yet you know what I’m trying to say

There isn’t a woman alive who’d think that was okay. Or who would actually give two sh*ts about a man putting his feelings out there. There’s no acceptance, he’d be told to fix it. Pronto. So whereas the fairer sex wants acceptance, we’d get told to fix our problems.

Hmm…why is that? Why is acceptance so important for women? Is it because so many women are “working” on themselves anyway that they already know whatever issues they have? Why do I ask?

Glad you asked. Imagine your man singing to you this song:

You’re a trainwreck in the morning/You’re a b*tch in the afternoon/And just out of nowhere Dora/you be trippin…for no damn reason

You don’t seem to make much sense/Every convo is a maze of thoughts/I’m not even sure you know yourself/But I’m here now, so what the f*ck

You don’t know why I love you…wait, I don’t either. You keep falling and I KEEP having to catch you. You heavy. Dora b*tch, leggo.

I imagine the receptiveness would be like Gaddhafi being happy to see those fighter planes coming into his air space.

I guess it’s kind of like n*gga. You can tell me how f*cked up you are but if I say it, ees a prollem.

I guess the main bullet point here is, fellas, if a woman tells you “Flaws And All” is her favorite song…run.

Ladies do you love this song? And if so, why does it make any sense? I’m really curious because from every rational perspective, this song is a cautionary tale.

Is this really how a lot of you women feel?

What’s with the flaws and all love?

Mi hombres, can you help me?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka SHUGGIE JACKSON aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

?(I’ve added the video for those who have yet to hear the song or see the video. It was on the Deluxe version of B’Day)