diva dudes: the relationship jabberwockys

****In part one of the toxic people examination, the champ discussed evil bitch’s broad’s (EB’s)…who they are, how to detect them, and why to avoid them. Today, he’ll shed light on the diva dude…the epitome of b*tcha*sness, and the bane of every young women’s existence****

An epidemic unique to the black community, the “diva dude” describes the mindset created in certain black men, developed after reading and hearing about the “good black male shortage” that’s supposedly sweeping through the country at a pandemic rate

Its a condition, an aura which basically lets every eligible female within a 25 mile radius know “Look, I’ve read the same articles that you have, and since I’m such an “endangered species“, I pretty much have carte blanche to do whatever the hell I want with you. Kiss the ring, desperate b-tch”.

Here are a few characteristics that they all possess. Unlike EB’S, who only have to possess 3 out of the 5 possible EB categories to qualify, all DD’S share the following characteristics. Think of this as a dating DSM-IV.

****Also, before i continue, i want to make it very clear that being a young, successful, black male definitely doesn’t automatically make you a DD. DD’s are bred in insecurity…grown-ass babies who need female attention to validate their existence. basically, the type of cats who would all of a sudden start using initials for their first names when becoming successful, thinking that “t. jonathan butler” on a business card might procure more panties than regular ole “tyrone butler” ever did****

1. They’re straight and single with no kids. 25 to 35 years old with advanced degrees and decent jobs, cars, and apartments/condos.

Basically, the exact type of black man that studies will tell you do not exist.

2. They live in cities with metropolitan areas over 250,000 people

This is very important because large metropolitan areas allows them to basically get away with their BS unfettered. If a group of women get wise and catches them, recognizing in them numerous diva dude characteristics, there’s always another mall or happy hour or convention somewhere in the city where the “mythical black man” schtick will guarantee free panties. There are suckers for DD’s with degrees born every minute (pun and double entredre intended)

3. They’ve been the “proverbial ugly duckling” until very recently

This is important, because the fact that weren’t getting any rhythm before they became notable creates an inherent bitchassness that permeates everything they do. From what i understand, this seems to be pretty common with black male greeks

4. They’re only friends with other diva dudes

All DD’s are close friends with between one and four other diva dudes, a safe number which gives them a couple clubbing and drinking buddies, but not so many that their diva light doesn’t shine as bright.

Remember, these are not alphas dogs, just a bunch of beta d-cks constantly thirsty for attention, hoping that a chick he walks past at the mall will happen to see the SAAB keys he’s “nonchalantly” jigging in his left hand and double-take.

Diva dudes are to be detected and avoided at all costs, and each gender has their own specific reason

1. *women*

They will run through and ruin you. It’s that simple.

2. *men*

Because DD behavior can be very tempting for a man to emulate, it’s very important that you do whatever you can to distance yourself from them. It’s akin to being in constant close contact with a group of porn stars or crackheads. The more you surround yourself with them, the more you’ll begin to justify their questionable behavior, eventually leading to you picking up the proverbial crack pipe, thinking “this must be a hell of a drug

Admittedly, there is a certain allure to living this lifestyle. Not so much in the DD actions, but in the figurative thumbing of the nose at all the shit saying that all black men between 17-35 are either imprisoned, uneducated, unemployed, or gay. Despite the attraction to this state of mind, you have to remember that these are the dudes who probably will end up like Champ Kind from Anchorman when they reach 40…

…single, lonely, and unable to function without the aid of his crew of like-minded relationship nincompoops. destined to a lifetime of terribly furnished apartments and occasionally getting “lucky” when some 19 year old working the hot dog stand in front of the club is impressed with his red corvette.

Again, i want to remind everyone about our 21 hour hotline at contact@verysmartbrothas.com. If you know anybody who fits this criteria and suspect that they need help, please don’t hesitate to contact us. it’s your duty. don’t let us down

—the champ