The Past Is The Best Predictor of The Future. No Pluto.

I was having a conversation the other day with a friend of mine who is struggling in her relationship. She was telling me that whole “potential” yada yada yada yada that so many women run when thinking about the men in their lives.

“If he’d just do better then we’d be good. But he flat out refuses to do the little things I ask him to do…I don’t know what to do. I love him and only want to be with him…but it’s just frustrating….MEN SUCK…”

After assuring her that men do not (all) indeed suck, I hit her with a bit of reality and a bit of indirect advice regarding her relationship and her man that I think is pretty doggone poignant:

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You have to take folks as they are and be proud of them for making changes in the positive direction. Or roll out.

Now of course, she agreed with me in principle but didn’t get why it had to be so difficult. This man she’s been dating has been doing the same stuff for the entire seven months that they’d been dating and she’s still waiting on him to have one of those light-bulb moments where he realizes that if he doesn’t change he’ll lose her.

Except he has no incentive. Nothing that he’s doing or has done has indicated to her that anything would be any different. She just wants it to be and thinks that for her, he should make those changes. Put a pin in that, we’ll come back to that.

But the same goes for him. Nothing that has happened has indicated to him that she’s going to leave him or make him suffer any consequences. So they’re both relying on past behaviors to predict the future. For her, she just refuses to accept that he is who he is, and for him, he doesn’t believe that who he is will cause him any longterm suffering.

Impasse.

I do realize at this point that many women, and men for that matter, may think, why won’t he just “do right”? “Do right” is such a nebulous phrase and largely only involves actions men should be making in order to grow as people (?) and keep our women happy. I’ve got a whole theory and blog post about the concept of “do right” differences between men and women and the stakes involved. It’s coming.

I’m always amazed at how many women tell me that they can’t believe a man won’t just do better so that he doesn’t lose her. This isn’t intended to sound too trivializing, but I truly think that a lot of women overstate their own value to the men in their lives that the point these realizations arise. This man spent his entire life being who he is until she showed up and he’s supposed to see this particular woman and make every change she wants him to make? Come on. That’s unrealistic AND assumes that the changes she wants him to make are for him and not just to make her happy. Real change is personal, not just to keep a woman. I realize that, in general, women do a lot more compromising than men do. It’s true. Oh yeah, it’s true. However, you rarely hear women talking about needing to change. Just something to think about.

(Though the self-help industry is being kept afloat by somebody so I’m guessing maybe women are constantly going through “improvement”? That’s a question by the way.)

Anyway, once you realize that what somebody has always done is likely to be what they will always do short of some life-altering realizations, you learn that the ball is in your own court. Which is what I told my friend. He is who he is, either shut up about it or vote with your feet and leave him. I have no idea what she’s going to do, but she did walk away from that convo with some sort of resolve.

Of course, she could just resolve to continue to be upset. Her prerogative, but at least she realized the ball was in her court.

Bobby Brown.

Granted, as grown ups we all learn that compromise is the name of the game and some of us take longer to get to that point than others do – and I’m mostly talking about men – but compromise is an outcome, I do think that you have to take folks as they are if you chose to enter into cahoots with them. Of course, that’s not for the large scale problems like infidelity or pathological lying, but if you stay with folks at that point, then while it isn’t your fault if they cheat, it is your fault for staying with them knowing that they might.

Chuuch.

-VSB P aka PJANGO JACKSON aka MR. I DONT KNOW WHAT HE’S SAYING EITHER aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

(A version of this post appeared on Guyspeak.com on January 5, 2013)

The Power of Positive P*ssy Reinforcement

“Flying to upstate New York on a day where 90% of New England — including the city I was headed to — had no power

Each and every guy reading this can probably name several instances where he risked life, limb, sanity, freedom, credit, and the promise of half-priced roasted chicken wings for the pursuit of potential sex. (Yes. Potential sex. Not even definite sex or likely sex. Dudes always have and always will continue to put their lives on the line for the mere possibility of panties.)

These memories — prone to include anything from serial killer baby-daddies and dimly-lit Greyhound bus station bathrooms to $300 first dates and expired condoms — connect us, collectively bonding us one cringe-worthy recollection at a time while also providing concrete evidence to the axiom that men will do whatever we f*cking can to get some ass.

This isn’t suggesting that we’re always willing to throw everything away for the chance to make the beast with two backs, but we’ve all had those weak moments where immediate sexual desire trumps, well, everything.

In my case, I ignored the blackout. I ignored the fact that, at the time, no one knew whether it was a terrorist attack. I ignored the fact that since the city my friend (“Kim”) was in didn’t have any power, she didn’t have a working cell phone, couldn’t find out what time I was arriving, and couldn’t pick me up from the airport. And, most importantly, I ignored the fact that, because we had one of those post-college limbo relationships where you’re not really “friends with benefits” but you’re not exactly platonic either, nothing was guaranteed.

Now, did I risk my life flying to New York state just to get some ass? No. At the time, Kim was a pretty good friend of mine and since I hadn’t seen her in over a year, I was looking forward to hanging out with her. But, if you removed the possibility of p*ssy from the table, there’s no way in hell that I’m making that trip on that day.

I’m reminded of this story every time I hear a person mention the idea that crooked men would eventually straighten up if women just stopped seeing, dating, and sleeping with them. Basically, the idea states, if all the world’s women made a pact to decide that “illegal/immoral activity” = “no draws for you,” all the drug dealers, criminals, and just general assholes in the world would be some Wendy’s value fries making motherf*ckers.

When this point is brought up, there are usually two arguments that people (and by “people” I mean “women”) fall back on to try to refute it.

A) “Why should all the pressure be on women to change? Can’t these men just decide to do right for their own sakes?”

B) “I really can’t believe that men are so sex-influenced that they’d change their behaviors just because they don’t have access to women. Does everything you do revolve around sex?”

Admittedly, it is true that this mindset does put a ton of pressure on women. I can imagine it being quite jarring for a 16 year old girl to hear that her p*ssy can cure hunger, clean the streets, and kill Rick Ross. But, just because something is difficult to hear doesn’t mean that it’s not true.

Yes, the vast majority of what we (men) do is somehow connected to us being more sexually viable. We’re ambitious because ambition makes success more likely, and we ultimately strive to be successful so that we can do things — buy nice cars, live in nice houses, have white maids, etc — that widen our net of realistically obtainable women. The power of p*ssy potential is so vast and so omnipotent that you can convince young men in certain parts of the world to kill themselves (and others) just by telling them that wet, juicy, virgin p*ssy is waiting for them on the other side.

And yes, if women collectively decided to stop having babies with thugs, deadbeats, women beaters, and republicans, there would be no more thugs, deadbeats, women beaters, and republicans. It’s really that simple. No sense in robbing, raping, and murdering if the spoils of your labor didn’t include an automatic concubine or two.

Now, will this ever happen? Will all the planet’s women band together and decide to stop f*cking the Avon Barksdales and Bugsy Siegels of the world? Not likely. It’s quite unfair to ask them to do that. And, even if they did, one rogue ratchet determined to carry Waka Flaka’s seed would spoil the entire operation.

Most importantly, I just don’t know if women are ready to carry that type of accountability. I mean, since the beginning of time, the burden and the blame for all major man-made catastrophes — all wars, most crime, the spread of AIDS, Lil’ Kim’s post-2002 face, etc — has been solely placed on the shoulders of men. I might be wrong, but I doubt women can handle the pressure of being told that each “aint shit dude”-induced orgasm they’ve had has directly contributed to the world’s demise.

Still, a man can dream of a day where worldwide positive p*ssy reinforcement clears every corner, cuts down the world’s crime, and cleans-up every guy’s act. Until then, we’ll continue doing dumb sh*t, risking our limbs and lives for that potential, and women will keep pretending that their p*ssies didn’t kill Tupac.

—The Champ

Also, don’t forget your VSB duty to help keep Panama off the block and The Champ on the wagon and buy “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”

making love in the club: 13 tips on how to act when you’re out

black-girl-in-a-night-club-thumb3254595

in the past couple months, the champ has gone out a couple times to  examine common clubbing behaviors and innocently grind on tipsy grad school asses. what he found surprised, shocked, aroused, and amazed him,  especially the vast number of faux pas he witnessed every night

with this in mind, the champ has decided to provide you all with 13 tips on how to act when you’re out.

he’s not saying that you have to follow these to a t, but it would be wise to listen if you want to get into heaven.

1. yes, ladies. regardless of how aggressively uncute or swaggerless the guy might be, if he offers to buy a drink and you accept, you do owe him at least 90 seconds of conversation…unless, of course, he begins the convo by saying “this martini is dry, isn’t it? you know what i bet is the exact opposite? your pu**y”.

2. fellas, remember, female bartenders are like strippers. she’s nice to you because she wants a bigger tip…just not the tip you have in mind

3. if a woman is dancing while any of the following music is playing…

any dancehall reggae or soca

any bass music

any rap produced by any of the following people: lil john, mannie fresh, luke, swiss beats, scott storch, dr. dre, or just blaze

any song that could very easily be found on one of your college boning mixtapes

…the its perfectly ok to assume that she wants you to step behind her, and start grinding like you’re the pepper boy and her name is mashed potatoes to dance

ladies, if any of these songs come on and you just want to dance with your girls, sit your prissy asses at the bar and grind on the stools

4. fellas, if you ask a woman to dance/for a number/to buy her a drink and she declines, dont ask again, don’t ask why, and definitely don’t just stand behind her and wait for the song change to hopefully change her mind. find someone else, you f*cking lame.

5. fair or not, you will be judged on your attire, your demeanor, the mean, median, and mode attractiveness of your crew, how attractive you are in comparison to everyone else there, your drink of choice, and your walk…and each detail factors into your own personal baggability

if you can’t reconcile yourself with these facts then stay the f*ck home.

6. “hi” and its myriad forms (“hey”, “whats up?”, “hello”, etc) is still the most reliable pick-up line, and her first response to the initial “hi” is still the most reliable way of gauging sincere interest

7. ladies, if you’re in a relationship, make sure to reveal that little tidbit in the first 3.5 to 7 seconds of conversation. waiting longer than ten seconds to drop the bf bomb officially makes you an asshole.

8. everyone gets one “i’ve had waaaaaaaaaay too much to drink, and, if my crew doesn’t step in i’m probably going to end the night either in jail or with an std” mulligan per every 9 months. just one. after this, your crew doesn’t have any more babysitting obligations

9. unless a titty pops out, fighting isn’t sexy under any circumstances

10. fellas, its probably not a good idea to be noticeably hard before you even dance with the chick.

getting noticeably hard during your personal grind session? well, like sexual harassment, their reaction will basically depend on how attractive you are

11. ladies, if you want to get approached, separate and smile and they’ll eventually come unless you look like prop joe. its really that easy.

12. fellas, if you’re old enough to get into the club, you’re old enough to know by now that women are nucking futs lemmings. since you possess this knowledge, you should also be aware of the fact that if one member of a crew shoots you down, it decreases your chances of bagging someone else from that crew by 90%.

13. if approaching a group (three or more) of women to offer drinks, you must either only buy a drink for the one you’re specifically interested in, or the entire crew. no inbetweens

this…

bartender, get these three right here whatever they want, and the other one, ummm, hmmmm. do you have any free corn chips or anything for her?

…isn’t cool. funny, but uncool.

i know i’m missing a ton. good people of vsb.com, would you mind helping a smart brotha out? what else should be on the list?

—the champ

ho, ho, ho

we sparked it yesterday…

v renee: Define ho. I’m curious to know, what you think makes someone a ho, besides the been around the block factor. If you’re single and grown, most are more than likely you have at least been to the corner or at least mailbox.

the champ: defining ho is more of an art than a science. its hard to explain…but you kind of just know one when you see one.

for the sake of the reply though, here’s my stab:

if the amount of sexual partners you’ve had in your life exceeds the amount of friends you’ve had, you were a ho

if every guy you’ve ever been with has had “magic stick” treatment (if they hit once, they can hit whenever they want) for years, then you were a ho

if the amount of people you’ve been with once quadruples the amount of people you’ve been with more than four times, then you were a ho

if your private parts look like the trashcan in a supermarket deli, you were a ho

slut.

ho.

tramp.

slore.

strumpet.

the rolling definition of what constitutes “ho” behavior has more conditions and variables than gem’s panty drawer a sidekick contract, a dynamic which creates myraid questions.

do sheer numbers carry the most weight? if so, how do age and circumstance factor when making this consideration?

what about specific acts/people? is ho-dum mostly defined by exactly what/who someone is willing to do, and how willing they are to do it/them?

where does the over-prioritization of sex factor in to all of this? is someone who’d drop their close friends and serious responsibilities quicker than a meth head’s twich just for the potential sniff of some ass in possession of more “ho-like” qualties than someone who merely just fits their indiscriminate boning into their daily schedule?

lastly, should any of this even matter? as long as consenting adults are mutually partaking in this behavior, why should anyone even care how many hundreds of thousands of consenting adults a person has practiced this behavior with?

anyway though, slattern hussies good people of vsb.com, how would you define ho-dom, what tangible signs (if any) are there that someone might have been running continual drawer-less marathons around the coitius block…and should it even matter?

—the champ