The Biggest and Baddest On-Going Battles In The Black Community

Somebody's got to die!

Worse than the Hatfields and the McCoys, bloodier than the Barksdales vs the Stanfield crew battle, and possibly even stupider than the Montague vs Capulet feud, the on-going acrimony between natural haired sistas and, um, unnatural haired sistas has officially reached it’s boiling point. Lives will be lost. Livestock will be raped. And, according to Demetria Lucas, discounts will be had.

From “Does Natural Hair Get You Ahead?”

Over the weekend, I read a story about a club promoter in Atlanta who was offering discounts to women with natural hair.

According to The Grio, the promoter expressed his “utter disdain” for weaves and love for natural hair on his blog, which includes a section where readers can find natural hair blogs and products.

“Now he’s putting his money where his mouth is,” reports. “By giving $10 off tickets to his Atlanta Classic Post-Game Affair on the 24th of [September] and $5-$10 discounts to his FAMU Homecoming event [this past Friday]. Discounts [were] available to women with natural hair, and they[used] the code ‘natural’ when buying tickets.”

Now, I don’t plan on writing a comprehensive post breaking down all of the issues between black women with natural hair and black women with perms. Why? Well, I just don’t feel like writing the 200,000 or words that would be necessary to do that. But, I will say that this battle is just one of the more prominent of the many wars going on within our community today — decades-long points of contention that have the power to split families, end marriages, and, in some extreme cases, bleach skin.

Here’s a few more.

Lightskinned vs Darkskinned

The granddaddy of them all, you can argue that everything on this list stems from this historically heavy topic. You can also argue that since he was the only person in recorded history to successfully man up and fight on both sides, Michael Jackson needs a f*cking holiday.


A battle that’ll be even more contentious in the next couple of weeks, as hundreds of universities around the country will hold their homecomings, giving HBCU alums their yearly opportunity to be condescending f*cks and annoy the ever living sh*t out of everyone around them. Btw, HBCU brethren, you can continue to try, but you’re just not going to ever succeed at making me feel bad that I didn’t do undergrad at Cheney or Prairie View A&M. I appreciate the effort, though.

Northern vs Southern Blacks

A battle which basically comes down to the fact that northern blacks assume southerners are stupid, and southern blacks assume northerners are stupid for preferring Range Rovers over Impalas.

Uber-Christian Blacks vs Everyone Else

In the most lopsided battle yet, uber-Christian blacks are kicking the asses of the secular blacks so badly that many of the uber-Christian black leaders (Eddie Long, Donnie McClurkin, etc) have switched teams to make things more even.

Anyway, people of Will any of these battles ever end? Also, can you think of any other battles that should have made the cut?

Lastly (and most importantly), which of these wars would you spend $59.95 to watch on PPV?

—The Champ

***If you get a minute, check out “Does He Love Me” — The Champ’s latest at Madame Noire***

link of the week: the art of war

Attempted murder suspect, victim were romantic rivals

An arrest warrant was issued for Valerie Walls, 27, suspected of assaulting a 29-year-old San Bernardino County woman between 7 p.m. and 7:30 p.m. Tuesday.

The victim suffered deep slicing wounds to her upper torso area and she lost a lot of blood, Desert Hot Springs Det. Sgt. Radames Gil said Wednesday. The victim was able to get to the K-Mart store, where she sought help and authorities were called, Gil said.

Walls and the victim were romantically involved with the same person, Gil added

we all do it. whether conscious or not, every second of every day we spend on earth we’re doing it. you did it with millions of other sperm twenty six years ago in the back room of your mom’s shanty, when that pint of md 20/20 convinced her to finally let her uncle’s leadfoots jenkins squirt his “kind milk” inside of her. as a toddler, you did it with your dad for your mom’s attention, at least until you grew older and focused your energy on your siblings. you did it for a spot in that college you’re still paying off loans for, along with that job that allows you to spend three hours a day on vsb, and that apartment you lay your head in every night, dreaming about the champ of ways to do it better. shit, that air you’re breathing? you’re doing it with trillions of other organisms for that as well.

we can’t help doing it, even if we do want to. competing is in our nature, as fundamental to humanity as oxygen and stacey dash.

this everlasting competition extends to the dating arena. each of us are equal parts free agent and general manager, constantly evaluating, being evaluated, and battling for spots on the right team. with more intense focus than kobe in a snizzles anus the 4th quarter, we’re as cutthroat as anton chigurh. we lie. we cajole. we run game. we rock wonderwaterbras and subtlely twirl our benz keys while we’re walking in the mall. we sabotage. we throw salt. we’re subtle, tactless, implicit, and direct. we start trojan wars, and gleefully shank boat ninjas outside of kmarts.

a couple questions, good people of

1. in regards to romance, how do you compete? (notice, i’m not asking “if” you compete, because everyone does. stop lying to yourself. you aint special and sh*t)

2. has there ever been a situation where you’ve openly competed, or have been openly competed for?

3. have you ever been shanked outside of a kmart?

remember, we’re all fam here. just me and roughly twenty-five hundred of your closest friends. dont be scurred to tell the truth and sh*t.

—the champ