Tag Archives: bad sex

The 10 Worst Types Of Sex

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An hour or so into “The American” — a slow-moving but entertaining 2010 thriller where George Clooney plays a reclusive weapon-making maven hiding out in an Italian village — Clooney’s character tells a prostitute (I’d say she was an unrealistically good-looking prostitute, but I’ve been to Italy and many of the prostitutes I saw while there were actually dimes. There must be something in the olive oil over there. I also realize that at least 25% of them were men. I should probably end this aside right now.) he’s been seeing that she doesn’t have to “act” when she’s with him. Basically, he tells her that she doesn’t need to fake it when they’re having sex.

They eventually began a bit of a relationship, seeing each other outside of the brothel, but that exchange reminded me of how much it must suck to continually and exclusively have sex with women who are only sleeping with you because you’re paying them. I’ve written before about the ego boost that comes from pleasing a woman sexually, but when you completely remove the possibility of knowing whether her pleasure is real from the equation, sex is no different than masturbation. Actually, it’s worse than masturbation because at least with masturbation you can go raw on yourself.

Anyway, thinking about this scene and the sex for pay dynamic made me think of other types of sex you should probably try to avoid, and here’s nine more.

Pissy drunk sex

While slightly tipsy sex can be some of the best sex you’ll ever have (Why? Well, the slightly tipsyness relaxes inhibitions a bit while you still have complete control of your motor skills and dignity), super, duper drunk sex turns normal people into virgins with Parkinson’s disease. Seriously, it’s like two elephants on skateboards fighting each other with wet baseball bats. If this analogy didn’t make any sense to you, you’ve obviously never had pissy drunk sex.

But, while pissy drunk sex is bad, it’s not even close to the level of sucktitude involved when having…

Just one person happens to be drunk sex

Without getting too graphic, I’ll just say that both whiskey d*ck and whiskey p*ssy are real. And by “real” I mean “real f*cking annoying when you’re the only one who’s sober.”

Sad sex

While 0ccasional tears during sex is good, they should only occur when having a particularly intense orgasm or while getting fellated by a particularly toothy Delta; not when having to pause mid-stroke because you just can’t get over your dead hamster.

Hungry sex

Maybe it’s just me, but sex on an empty stomach is like masturbating with Old Spice High Endurance Body Wash. Good in theory until you realize God is watching you masturbate with Old Spice High Endurance Body Wash.

Shower sex

Between the balance issues, the pain of skin against wet porcelain, and the fact that hot water has a way of turning vaginas into carbon paper, there may not be a more overrated activity than having sex in the shower. Seriously, in the history of human’s having shower sex, has there ever been a time when somebody didn’t say “You know, that would have been much, much better if our horny asses just walked 5 feet to the bedroom” directly afterward?

Injured sex

You’d think that a sprained ankle or sore achilles wouldn’t make that much of a difference. You’d probably continue to think that, until you attempt to lift your girl and you end up slipping and dropping her ass first into the bed support because you can’t put any weight on your leg.

“I don’t really want to have sex with you, but I’m going to have sex with you anyway” sex

and

“I really want to have sex with you, and I’m going to, but I’m not going to act like I really want to have sex with you” sex

Listed together because it’ll be easier for me to search for and find this in the future when I’m compiling a list of “crazy sh*t women do” for a congress sub-committee.

Too great expectations sex

Ah yes, the great expectations sex. For the past two months, you both have been a sexting, sh*t talking, contrived double entendre creating mess. He’s gonna “blow your back out like Bob Backlund” and you’re gonna ride him until he sees stars, Jesus, John the Baptist, Frankie Lymon, and the ghost of Adriana from “The Sopranos.”

And then the day finally comes and, well, it’s ok but the Earth didn’t move, the moon didn’t fall, and you have lukewarm semen on your kneecap. The sex wasn’t bad, but you built expectations so high that you couldn’t help but be underwhelmed. In this sense, I guess it’s exactly like watching “The Game.”

Anyway, people of VSB, did I forget anything? Are there any other types of sex that should have made the cut?

—The Champ

you need to stop it now: seven signs that you might suck in the sack

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unhappy-woman

completing a decathlon

passing the bar

eating stouffer’s french bread pizza, and not burning the roof of your mouth

teaching v renee to read

although each of the aforementioned tasks are extremely formidable, none of them compare to the sheer difficulty of telling a person you care about that they’re, ummm, ungood in the sack

because of this, there are tons of wack sex having people walking the planet, completely oblivious to the plague of pathetic punany and pauperized pumpage they’re exposing to an unsuspecting populace.

download real genius today, as a service from vsb.com, the champ has decided to enlighten and educate these abominable boners with seven signs that you might just suck at sex

1. you have the tragic stick

put it this way, casanova, if your sex life personally remixes the chorus to “magic stick” from…

“i know if i can hit once, i can hit twice”

…to

“i know that i can hit once. twice? eh. good question”

…then maybe for now you should substitute the “who’s your daddy’s?” and “say my name’s” for “this is really great. thank you for the opportunity” and “do you want a check or cash?” .

2. the usual courteous post-coital warm and slightly damp towel has been replaced by a box of kleenex usually frisbeed at your head

3. he’s always in the shower before you even wake up dinotopia quest for the ruby sunstone dvd

for men, the relentless pursuit of the possibility of morning sex is embedded in our dna like hunting, gathering, and pissing on the toilet rim. from “accidentally” letting it slip out of our boxers and rub your granny-pantied booty to our perfunctory half-asleep nonchalant “oh. thats your nipple? my bad. don’t mind me” morning stretch, our first waking moments are usually spent playing “the poke game“, where we continue to poke around to see if she’s game. nevermind the fact that we’re not even really that horny half of the time, we’re still contractually obligated to at least try.

a man completely disregarding this process every morning (weekends included) for a quick jump in the shower means one of three things:

a) he’s married.

b) he’s gay

c) you have a stupid and stale vagina, and the thought of having “extra” sex with you is more disturbing than stan van gundy

4. your head game causes more wincing, “wait’s!!!”, and “what are you doing’s??” than a 3rd grade abstract art class

5. you have a zero day return policy

its a commonly known fact that non-puerto-rican women of a certain age will do anything to “keep their numbers down”. this includes the storage of certain exes contact info for a set period of time (usually 3 to 18 months), kept in case of dire “i just left a wedding reception. i’m drunk, i’m depressed, and i need some diction right. now.” emergency.

if you’re over 25 and you’ve never received that phone call from an ex, just be thankful that you obviously have a great personality.

on the flip side. if…

6…after sex with you, men consistently disappear like salmon rushdie…

…maybe the next time you’re at borders you need to pick up the “real sex” box set and leave “the tipping point” on the shelves.

7. your lovemaking lawyering is useless

while its true that men do occasionally turn down sex, its also true that our “no’s” are usually as weak as malibu rum and can be coerced into an immediate change of heart.

if cursed with crippled coochie, though, you’re liable to hear some variant of “nah, babe. i’m good. i need to finish these popsicles before they melt. maybe later”

8. your name is halle berry

so, extremely lascivious people of vsb.com, any additions?

—the champ