The Guilty Chronicles, Volume 1

Seriously, tha'ts not me.

It was 1993. I was in middle school.

Kids can be cruel? Absolutely. In 1993, it was my turn to be cruel. But understand, it wasn’t my fault. I lost a bet and it was either do my job or get laughed at. So I chose to do my job.

Here’s some backstory though.

In 1993, I was in 8th grade. Yes, that makes me older than you. But so what, you can’t whip my arse! Anyway, back then I was that kid everybody hated. Not because I was a bad person, but because I was “that” dude. I was on all the sports teams (basketball, cross country, track-n-field), got straight A’s, and was the student government president.

I was also like 4’11″. Real talk, I didn’t grow until my junior year of high school. I thought I was going to be a midget. This was a very real fear. It didn’t turn out to be reality but I still can’t dunk a basketball. Thanks mom.

Anyway, there was a young lady who came to my school JUST for her 8th grade year. We’ll call her Sonia. That’s not her name. But it is today. I don’t remember much about Sonia short of her jheri curl. And I only remember that because she smelled like activator. That’s not a dis or a shot, it’s just the truth. It was the kind of curl that almost made you want to light a math to see if it was as flammable as you thought. Poor Sonia, jheri curl, glasses, and pretty sizeable gap in her front two teeth.

For the record, I don’t think a gap is a bad thing. In fact, I think it builds character. Word that up. The look just doesn’t work for everybody. Word that up too.

Anyway, Sonia took a shining to yours truly. I’m not sure why, but she wanted to lay her curl on my pillow…something that I just was not feeling. At all. But she liked me. Awwww.

Well, Sonia ALSO (along with her curl) had some pretty consistently stank mouth. I tried not to pay it too much attention but we sat near each other in Math class. Point is, I got firsthand accounts and experience in her mouth.

Pause.

Or not pause.

Well, one day I made a bet with some other chicks in our math class. I don’t remember the bet at all. Not even a little bit. I do remember that the loser had to give Sonia a pack of breathmints at the SGA party we had going on later that night. I lost.

This presented a bit of difficulty for me seeing as I viewed Sonia as a friend. And she liked me. And here I had to be the bearer of bad news at a public event no doubt. You see where this is going right?

Later on in that evening the party gets going. The sounds of Vanilla Ice and Color Me Badd rock the auditorium when I decide to make my move. See, back then, I had to save face. I couldn’t just get punked into NOT calling somebody out on their bad breath. Oh, how shortsighted was I.

At the party I pulled Sonia into a corner where everybody could see us and then I pulled out the breathmints and gave them to her. In the entire realm of my life, that is one day I felt truly terrible to embarass somebody who did nothing wrong ever.

In the coming weeks and months, we didn’t talk much. She never let that go and I can’t blame her. She just quietly seethed towards me with her jheri curl causing a water hazard all around her desk.

In the most random twist of fate ever, I saw her in Huntsville, Alabama one day. My sister and I ventured to the local military base and upon walking into the door, there was Sonia. Still the same height, still rocking a jheri curl. And that last part is still true.

She recognized me right away and we struck up a short but awkward conversation. In fact, she was so shook that when I asked her what she was doing in Alabama, she told me that she was taking classes at the University of Georgia Tech. To this day I still can’t find any school labeled as such. My little sister immediately busted out laughing.

And I feel bad. I truly wish I’d handled that situation differently, but apparently it wasn’t in me to do so. I embarassed the hell out of this girl for no good reason.

But its in the past so the only thing that I can do is not mess with women with jheri curls.

I have no idea what she’s doing now but I”m guessing it involves DeVry. Which is totally great! Yeah. Okay. Alright.

Anyway, I shared that story to say that I’m learning that I need to say “I’m sorry”. She doesn’t read this blog so she’s short. But maybe one day she will and she’ll come across this post.

I needed to come clean. For the children. I’m sorry Sonia.

So good folks of VSB, what do you feel guilty for doing or do you need to say “I’m sorry” for? I know you got soul.

P.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MY BAD HOMIE aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

10 Reasons Why I’m Kind Of A Bad Person

As many of you know, I’ve been cat sitting for a few months now. In fact, as I’m typing this, he’s in my living room, stalking, hunting, and murdering an empty bottle of Advil. As cats go, I guess he’s not a particularly bad cat. I mean, we all know that cats are inherent assholes, but he’s no more assholely than most other cats.

Still, he does occasionally annoy me — like waking me up in the morning by sitting three inches away from my face and staring at me until I open my eyes — and since he does occasionally annoy me, I do things to annoy him back. For instance, the next time he walks near me, I’m going to pour a tiny bit of this Aquafina I’m drinking right now into my hands, and sprinkle it on him. When I do this, he’s going to straighten up, turn his head around to see where the water came from, and walk back into my living room. I will laugh, and I will not feel the least bit bad about said laughter.

Does this make me a bad person? Probably not. Am I a bad person? Well, you should probably wait until you see the rest of the shitty things I regularly do with no remorse before answering.

2. When on Gchat, I type “brb” even when I have absolutely no intention on coming back any time soon

Why? Well, it’s just easier to do this instead of going through the whole “bye’ process. I guess I could just get up and leave, but that would be rude.

3. I think nothing of changing my order while I’m at the drive-thru window

What? Just because I wanted a junior bacon cheesburger 45 seconds ago doesn’t mean I still want one now.

4. I drink straight from the containers and cartons…at other people’s houses

Not all other people’s, but, well, I’m not going to say exactly who because they might be reading this and might not invite me back to their place

5. If there’s a long line while I’m grocery shopping, I will begin to eat some of my food

You haven’t lived until you made a turkey sandwich with lettuce, mayo, black pepper, and tomatoes while the other people in line are equal parts disgusted at the display, amazed by your boldness, and upset that they didn’t think of it first

6. If playing basketball and there’s someone who happens to be open but I don’t want them to shoot, I’ll pass the ball to them in a way that messes up their rhythm and forces them to give the ball back to me

A win/win for all because I don’t have to hear them bitch about not getting the ball when they were open, and the team doesn’t have to suffer while his shitty shooting ass hits the side of the backboard with a fadeaway

7. If at a bar and buying a drink for a woman I know, I’ve been known to take a sip of it first before handing it over

As shitty as this seems, no one has ever seemed to mind this. Not sure if this says more about me or the women I know

8. I’m becoming progressively racist

Not in a dangerous or malicious way, but in a 69 year old Black uncle “I’ll take you to the cookout with me as long as you promise to remember that his name is “James” and not “Kung-Pow” way

9. I have no problem with, um, “multitasking” while on the phone

Tasks include (but aren’t limited to): Eating, peeing, brushing my teeth, sleeping, typing, typing with one hand, showering, taking shits, and taking showers.

10. I occasionally pee in the shower…while I have shower company

As long as you have good aim and can hit the drain with minimal splash residue, it’s not really that big of a deal.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me today. I know I’m not alone, though. Can any of you relate? Are there any somewhat, but not really all that shitty things you do on a regular basis and have absolutely no remorse about them?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

Hey young world,

VSB has two great events coming up in the next few days. Be prepared to get your RSVP on!!!

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2012

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First up is REMINISCE, the party brought to you by VSB x SHINE ON ME x TOMMIE COLLINS x JOLLY MAN. It’s all 90s music and we party like its 1999 all day ery day, any day every damn day. So we be thinkin’ ’bout them good old days, when we were some whipper snappers…we used to try to get a kiss but now it be them drawz we after…word to big bird.

FREE BEFORE 11PM WITH RSVP (http://reminiscedc.eventbrite.com)

OPEN BAR FROM 930-1030PM and NO DRESS CODE

2001 11th Street, NW (corner of 11th and U Street)

Again, RSVP here: http://reminscedc.eventbrite.com

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2012

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VSB x URBAN CUSP x IMPACT DC x THE ROOT DC x WPGC bring you an Election Night Watch Part at The Washington Post from 7pm-1am (ya know, assuming our guy – or your guy – wins)

There will be food drink, a panel discussing the returns and some music. Substantive yet festive AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.

It’s FREE. Just RSVP HERE: http://wapowatchparty.eventbrite.com