You Right, Boo: How to Get Kicked To The Curb On Your Own Terms

I was drunk and it was my birthday anyway.

Here at VSB, we aim to provide as much help as we can. And most, if not all of it, is intended to bring peace on Earth and goodwill towards men (or women). It is Christmas time after all. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling all Trans-Siberian orchestrated.

Canons to the…nevermind.

Ahem.

Despite all of the salvation, all help doesn’t have to be of the warm and fluffy variety. Sometimes you need help getting out of bad situations where nobody wins, except for the person who gets out of the situation (it makes sense if don’t think about it). But here’s the thing, NOBODY likes being the bad guy. Sometimes, for better or worse, you have to create an opportunity where one doesn’t exist.

Nothing sucks more than being stuck in a relationship you don’t want to be in. So here are some ways to get out of one without having to be the bad guy/gal; created opportunities, if you will.

1. Say “I love you” too soon

Nothing pushes people away faster than being TOO far along in your feelings in a relatively short amount of time. So yes, this only works within the first few months of dating. But say you realize that you’re not really feeling the Becky you’re dating. Or say Jamal is just a little bit more needy than you like, but its clear that you’re both “into” one another but not attached enough to cry if you all “broke up”. Just say you love them during a deep convo and I’ll bet you see more backpedaling and “I’m busy” texts than Herman Cain being asked if there was a white woman he didn’t smang.

By the way, this ONLY works with rational people. Know your audience.

2. Move

Not move across the city; no, move states. Skip town. But let them know that you have to leave and that you can’t fathom the idea of a long distance relationship and you want them to be free because you care about them enough to not want to trap them into frustration. Wow, that’s actually a pretty good line. Use it. And then just use me up.

3. Become extremely needy and clingy (cousin to “I love you”)

We’re talking stage-5 clinger here too. Once again, this generally only works on emotionally stable people. Everybody loves space, even married people. If you can’t take being with your guy/gal anymore and need a quick out for which they do the kicking…literally become their shadow. Always want to be where they are or where they’re going. Don’t do anything too stalkerish or crazy because then you might end up on a website (hey Mike, welcome to VSB) or the local news. Do just enough to be needy, but not enough for them to really be able to talk to others about you in a way where people say you’re crazy. Do you know why? Because he/she probably has hot friends who might make for great rebounds.

4. Start doing whatever it is that they hate

They hate a certain cologne? Start wearing it and then refuse to change for them. They hate that you are a flirt? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. I mean, keep flirting. Give them a reason to kick you to the curb. But once again, only do so much as to be a problem, don’t actually do anything wrong. Karma is a cold-hearted b*tch. The key here is consistency. You can’t let up. You’ve got to become annoying while maintaining your charm in case you meet somebody while you’re out annoying your significant other.

5. Talk about your future together, but keep contrasting it with their hopes

They don’t want children? So sad because you want at least four. The Walton’s were your model family and you’d like to keep tradition alive. They want to live in the suburbs? Not you kicko, it’s all 1 bedroom condos and alley-view love. They want to start a business and get rich? F*ck that, you’re about Occupy somebody’s street as soon as you get off work. Basically, your goal here is to make them realize there’s no plausible future with you. It works.

Now, since you know I’d walk a thousand miles so I could just see you, I’m curious as to what other ways might be plausible to help push along a breakup without being the bad guy? While it is indeed cuffing season right now, some people are out there making BAD decisions on who they mess with. Let’s do a service towards that goodwill towards mankind.

Help your friends out.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. GETGULLY aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3