Aw Hell, The BET Awards Came On Again

I've really got to meet more white people so I can do MTV instead.

I remember a few years ago, BET seems to have begun to turn a corner. The Awards show which had long been associated with pure f*ckery and general shame had almost gained a bit of legitimacy.

But with Twitter at its apex, BET decided to have as much ridamndiculousness as possible this year. And you know what that means: Black Twitter almost exploded. Luckily BET always has a gospel segment which is where 90 percent of people check out and go to the bathroom, buy some drugs, or call their mothers.

By the way, as I’m writing this I just heard somebody say that Patti LaBelle’s voice is the most powerful voice on earth. Ain’t that right, boo? #true

Anyway, I had no intention of writing about the BET awards, but since I decided to watch it, I feel compelled because of the amount of f*cksh*t I’ve observed. So allow me to tell you about a little of it…my observations.

Why did Cee-lo put on a porcupine, feather, cap wig and purple shoes…THEN have the nerve to curse while wearing the gayest pastor coat in history?

Marsha Amborsius – bless her heart – has no booty whatsoever. I often wonder if women with no booty go to sleep every night and hope to wake up with a booty. Not even a big ole ass, just something well proportioned to the rest of her body. I’m a formerly Black man (thanks to Cee-lo and his get up I quit the Black race) so the hindparts are necessary to some extent. Marsha does have nice legs though with her spray on tan.

What the f*ck was up with everybody singing off key? It’s like everybody forgot to do a sound check AND the sound engineer quit right before the show over money. Alicia Keys sounded a little more of husky voice than usual AND was off key. Basically she sounded like The-Dream if he were to ever hit puberty.

Speaking of WTFness, what was up with all the profanity during the show? Aren’t they supposed to do the clean versions of songs? And if you’re going to do that for a Black awards show, you need a 30 second delay, not a 2 second delay like they were using. I feel like my TV cursed me out. And I didn’t like it. Stop it, television. I bought you TAKE THE FADE N*GGA!!!! TAKE THE FADE!!!!

I love how Chris Brown made a joke at his own expense. I really think that Chris Brown can totally redeem his career if he keeps on putting out dope music (which he’s been doing) and learns to enjoy life and laugh at himself and stays far and far away from all forms of social networking that don’t require him to run his words through at least 2 PR reps and a white woman.

Ain’t gonna lie to you, I’d marry Patti LaBelle right now. Jill Scott too. Oh and by the way since we’re talking about necks (we are now), can somebody find Gladys Knight’s neck? Did a Pip take it?

I don’t know if you all know how much I hate Kelly Rowland’s song “Motivation”. But I do. A lot. I think she sounds like pure D sh*t singing on it. And yet, her live rendition was…well, dope. She gave one of the better vocal performances that I’d seen during the night. Amazing. I’d totally bang her out.

Johnny Gill. Stop it.

Steve Harvey, for all of the non-sense we attribute to him really is worthy of getting an award for being a humanitarian. He hasn’t personally made my life any better but I’m sure somebody’s gotten further along because of him. And dude really does care about family values and manhood. It’s why he’s keeping so many women single…so he can focus on the men. <—-its like I just praised him AND threw him under the bus at the exact same time. Panama? Stop it.

I don’t care what anybody says, Rick Ross looked like he lost 738 pounds with that white Louis Vuitton suit he had on. I could barely see him. He was like a sliver of his former self. Wait…what?

The Nicki Minaj and Justin Beiber exchange was about as awkward and inappropriate as you can get at an awards show before somebody calls the police. Between that and Lil Wayne et al. bringing out a bunch of 12 year olds while singing, “…I wish I could f*ck every girl in the world…” last year (or a few years ago whenever), the entire Young Money camp needs to be on somebody’s watchlist. Not like a terrorist list, but a list nonetheless.

That poor Viewer’s Choice winner announcer, I won’t even add her name here…man she f*cked up so royally. Like, there are f*ckups but then there are f*ckups like she had. Thing is I couldn’t even tell who’s fault it was. I think I’ll just blame BET, because well, anytime BET is a possible culprit, it’s BET’s fault. Thing is…after she f*cked up and knew she f*cked up…she should have said something like, “go f*ck  yourself San Diego”, “Dip Set b*tch” or “Suck it” then threw the mic on the ground and walked off. You know you’ve done bad when even Drake won’t hug you and sing you a song about his insecurities.

This Beyonce performance sh*t was SUCH a copout but genius marketing move on her part. She doesn’t have to do anything but add an extra camera to her set to stream back to the BET awards. All it cost her was a “what’s up BET” shoutout. Oh well, that’s why BET stays losing. That and because Debra Lee buys her dresses from Lowe’s. Add to the fact that this was CLEARLY not live since ya know, its like 4am in London town when that aired.

Speaking of Beyonce, and I feel like we mentioned this here before…she might be the hottest celebrity that I have no desire ever to want to see naked. I’d be much more inclined to see Kelly in the buff with her legs reaching for the sky than Beyonce. She has like zero sex appeal to me. That is odd, like a Lil Wayne outfit. By the way Wayne, Andre 3000 called, he asked if you’d stop stealing his 1998 steez and be original.

I think that’s enough for now…sound off. I know you watched the Awards….good, bad, ugly?

What were your observations?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka BLACKASAURUS JONES aka GIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

 

 

 

It’s Our Centennial, B*tches!

**CLICK ME!!!**

Yes ladies and gentlemen, today…yes today, we celebrate our 100th post!!!!

*screams and applause*

First off, we’d like to thank each and every one of you who venture to our beloved VSB.com site and also to everybody who comments here, whether you’ve commented once or a million times. Thank you a thousand times over. Without you all, we’d both have failed to live up to the legacy of Johnson and Randolph who lost their lives in 1913.

But thanks to you all, their memory lives on!

With that said, we’re also going to pass the 25,000 comment mark sometime today. And get this, neither of our mothers has left a single one. That, my friends, is an accomplishment. Just ask Hot Stylez, whose mothers are going to buy all of their albums that actually get sold.

So we’d like to do a few things here today in commemoration of our 100th post. And we’d also like to make a request or two:

1) We’d like for everybody who stops by to drop us a line and let us know where you’re from or something. Tell us something interesting about yourself. And yes this includes the long-timers because believe it or not, we plan to throw shindigs across the nation and it would help us to know where you all are. It doesn’t make any sense for us to throw that party in Butte, Montana, when nobody actually lives there…and by the way, we’re canceling that event, though the Butte Chamber of Commerce is going to be really upset. Besides…who doesn’t like to put on for their city???

For kicks…Panama puts on for Washington, DC, and The Champ puts on for the Pittsburgh aka the ‘Burgh.

2) We’d like you to go check out the t-shirt store we have opened. Now it doesn’t have all of the shirts yet, but we’re moving in the right direction, no? Check.It.Out. Buy one. Buy twelve. Our mothers? Definitely exhibiting major coppage. Be like Mike.

Also, here are the winners of the vsb.com t-shirt quote poll.

“And no you’re not overanalyzing, you’re just a woman.deviant

“Breed carefully people!“—the hostess

“black women are the bangingest“—the champ

“I am an asshole, and I am ok with that”—luvvie

“Smart b*tches have drama too”—goodeness

“its hard out here for an abstinent pimp“—Abcde A-Lexus

Now in real VSB form, we’d be remiss if we didn’t do something to commemorate this momentous occasion. So what we decided to do was create some awards for the people who keep us afloat by venturing to our dear VSB.com (we’re working on our alma mater right now, Ne-Yo’s writing it)…follow along…

The VSB.com 100 Post Anniversary Commentator Awards

the boris and idris memorial, to the person who consistently leaves the most panty-wetness inducing comments goes to: d*stroy, who also has the honor of being the father of the youngest vsb.com fan.

the stan award, which goes to the fan who most consistently goes above and beyond, is actually a two-way tie between ms. patterson and the wise diva, two women who, from emailing sample topics to relentlessly plugging us in their own circles, have done everything possible to allow the gospel of vsb.com to grow.

the goodeness corner award, for the most consistently outrageously entertaining comments, goes to, you guessed it, the goodeness herself…a woman who also has the distinct honor of receiving an award named after herself. good job and sh*t. 1st runner up, and probable 2009 winner: luvvie

the mike eric dyson award, for semi-coherent yet always compelling longwindedness goes to genius khan, who we’ve become convinced is either a mensa chapter president or an inmate at leavenworth

the wes mantooth award for best screenname is a three-way tie between eff yo couch, tits mcgee, and westindianarchie

the krs-one award for never missing a single hip-hop reference no matter how obscure or randomly placed in a post goes to miss t-lee who’s made panama strive to throw as much random hip-hop into posts as possible and start to name drop more songs than The Game.

the Yolanda Springer Povich award for consistently managing to ask questions and approach topics like a talk-show host who’s trying to incite a riot and simultaneously spread knowledge to the masses goes to the hostess, who always finds a way to bring some insightful and personal twist to the random f*ckery that goes down here at vsb.com

the john witherspoon in boomerang award for telling it like it is goes to Deviant, who is ALSO up for the award for the most interesting method of procuring women with the hand-on-ti**y method which to date hasn’t worked for 98 percent of all those who’ve tried it

the rico suave award for getting more than enough women hot enough to try to locate his nightclub in Washington DC so they can find out if his bark is as good as his bite…and vice versa goes to Big Buck who can also tell you exactly how to talk yourself into a nightclub, assuming you’re a hot chick

the gustav harsford award for feeling like family goes to Monk who’s been reading both of us and commenting for so long that we’re either paying him or he must be family that we feel like we know the brotha, he also managed to slaughter all opponents back in the day during the blog rap battles at panama’s site…thanks Monk

******

We’d like to once again thank you all for helping make VSB.com what we are. We do the best we can to provide interesting topics but the fact is that as much is gleaned from the comments as our actual posts themselves. As we push forward and continue to move towards the 200th and 300th post and so on and so forth we hope that you all stick along for the ride and help us continue to grow.

You know what to do in the comments (see above), and if you have any awards you want to nominate someone for, shout them out.

Also, check our ubiquitous asses out on Facebook and Myspace if you haven’t done so already. We major, come on homie, we major and sh*t.

Keep bangin’.

Thanks,

Very Smart Brothas (and Liz)