Black Woman, You’re Single and You Ugly! Yeah, Yeah, You Ugly!

Looks like heaven.

Boy, Black women are having the worst.two.years.ever.

They’re all single, married to gay men, on the way to a cat-ful existence and That’s My Mama re-runs, can’t handle the truth, and can’t find bras that fit. It’s hard out here for a pimp, but that’s nothing compared to how hard it is for a Black woman.

Between all of the media attention the potential dusty drawerd cat ladies are getting via national outlets, the ascension of Madea, and blatant disrespect for tinted ovaries here at VSB, it just seems like Black woman cannot win. Nope, there is no Amber Rose’n going on anywhere but at the White House. Ironic, isn’t it.

Well just in case you lovely ladies of the diaspora weren’t feeling poo-poo’d on enough, Psychology Today released an article yesterday written by a Satoshi Kanazawa entitled, Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women. Which is actually an interesting and poignant observation. Because, speaking for myself, personally, I was just telling somebody yesterday that when I compare all of the woman I’ve see and their physical attractiveness, Black women with their supple bodies, curves so sinister that geometry gets jealous, beautiful faces and lovely locs are definitely the LAST place I’m looking when I’m thinking of banging women. So this article is right on time.

Sadatay.

I’ve always found studies like this intriguing. For one, it’s supposed to be scientifically objective, but you’re asking PEOPLE to rate people. People suck. I have no idea how many people they used, but what if the morning before I got interviewed I got robbed by a gang of midget Asian little boygirls. Chances are that might affect my position. Or what about the actual panel of people doing the ratings? What if it looks like the people who vote for the GRAMMYs, and they were all forced to listen to Fantasia albums beforehand. They might be inclined to view Black women negatively. And the thing is, I have no idea, and this isn’t to say that Black women have to be considered the MOST physically attractive but somehow they’re the only ones who the respondents considered close to average compared to respondents and definitely LESS physically attractive than the rest. Da hell? Sounds like some bias is going on there. Basically, they hate Beyonce and are voting with their feet, so to speak.

Recall that women on average are more physically attractive than men.  So women of all races are on average more physically attractive than the “average” Add Health respondent, except for black women.  As the following graph shows, black women are statistically no different from the “average” Add Health respondent, and far less attractive than white, Asian, and Native American women.

This sex difference in the race differences in physical attractiveness – where physical attractiveness varies significantly by race among women, but not among men – is replicated at each Add Health wave (except that the race differences among men are statistically significant, albeit substantively very small, in Wave III).  In each wave, black women are significantly less physically attractive than women of other races.

The only thing I can think of that might potentially explain the lower average level of physical attractiveness among black women is testosterone.  Africans on average have higher levels of testosterone than other races, and testosterone, being an androgen (male hormone), affects the physical attractiveness of men and women differently.  Men with higher levels of testosterone have more masculine features and are therefore more physically attractive.  In contrast, women with higher levels of testosterone also have more masculine features and are therefore less physically attractive.  The race differences in the level of testosterone can therefore potentially explain why black women are less physically attractive than women of other races, while (net of intelligence) black men are more physically attractive than men of other races.

Color me cynical here, but I’m going to assume that this panel is mostly filled with white people. I have nothing to base this upon, but let’s just assume that the panel is fairly representative of the population of the American people. Outside of urban areas, I really do think that white people have a fairly limited ability to deal with Black folks. Sure there are some of us everywhere, but chances are that the most interaction most of them have with Black Americans and women is the media….where some of our most attractive of attractive are. So how would that even make any sense? If you’re entire view of Black beauty is Beyonce, Halle Berry, and Michelle Obama (jury’s out) then chances are you’re full of sh*t and hating if somehow Black women’s attractiveness is only on par with yours and far less than that of other races. I may be reaching there, but it just sounds a bit like hateration. Which means that we can only blame the results of this study on one thing…

…President Obama.

Nevermind that this study has been done over a time period before he was President. Back in 2004 people started talking about him for the White House. So yes, a bunch of respondents who hate Obama voted Black women into the least attractive woman category, which is just patently not true. I’m trying my damndest not to offend anybody here so I won’t, but let’s just say…ain’t nobody messing with a Black woman’s dougie. Even exe’s I hate now I have to give props to.

My favorite part of the article is this though:

It is very interesting to note that, even though black women are objectively less physically attractive than other women, black women (and men) subjectively consider themselves to be far more physically attractive than others.

What I loved about this is that no matter what, you are not going to break a Black person’s self-confidence when it comes to comparisons with others. We know that we’re styling on folks. Hell, have you ever met a Black woman who didn’t think she looked good? Or a dude who didn’t think that he was the best thing since sliced bread. I just looked at my license in my wallet. Do you know what it says?

Bad Motherf*cker. My mirror hates on me because it ain’t the real deal.

We love us some us. And apparently enough of us participated in this study (hell, let’s not front, if it was just three we would have submitted 100 votes on that, “we banging” tip) to ensure that we been hitting our daddy stroke like none other.

Got to take an odd look here though. How is it that enough Black folks thought that we personally looked better, but when asked about others, Black women rated below. Self hate going on? I’m curious as to how that little calculus works. Crabs in a barrel? Something ain’t right there. We might hate on each other publicly, but we ain’t about to sell out other folks anonymously, that doesn’t benefit us. I’m calling foul on those grounds alone.

Anyway, point blank, this science is fugazi. Perhaps some people feel this way but at the end of the day, my beautiful Black sisters, don’t sweat the small stuff because this has no bearing on reality. I mean, if you ain’t betta than Big, you the closest one. I’ll personally do my part to tell you that you’re all beautiful though not face to face…I can’t tell a chick who looks like the combo of who shot John and John Henry’s left thigh she’s beautiful and I won’t. But you’re my soul sistas. And you know you look good. And so does everybody else.

Don’t let one article f*ck up your day, and if you need somebody to validate your beauty, we’ll be accepting all forms of pictures of your bangingness at the VSB email account all day.

What y’all did at the bayou? did you think of this article?

And my people…can you feel it?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka MR. I LOVE WHITE WOMEN WITH SMALL BOOTIES SO MOST OF ‘EM aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

We’d like to thank all of you for coming through and nominating us for FOUR (fo’) Black Weblog Awards. We’re on the final ballot for Best Humor Blog, Best Writing in a Blog, Best Sex & Relationships Blog and Blog of the Year. Please go vote for us here.

all points bulletin

Crowd-cropped

in august of 2008, p blessed the vsb pulpit with wlsg, an entry which provided a definition for “light skinned points”

Light-skinned point(s). noun. 1) the additional attention that fairer skinned light skinned women receive over their darker-skinneded sisters whether or not their face actually warrants any attention at all. 2) the assumed increase in attractiveness laid before melanin deficient black women…whether or not their face actually warrants any attention at all.

***for those still unclear, just think christine beatty.***

yet, although this term gets the most mileage, its far from the only time black people assign “points”, the possession of an attribute or characteristic that makes a person seem much, much more desirable than they really should be.

here’s 10 more. Continue reading

buyer’s remorse

buyers-remorse

it happens everyday.

guy sees attractive girl alone at bar. guy approaches girl. girl thinks guy is cute for a tuesday night, but is initially off-put by extra sharp creases in guys slacks. girl eventually warms to guy after guy shifts standing position and incidentally reveals outline of oversized pocket python incorporates proper use of “demure” in opening sales pitch. girl and guy talk, exchange numbers, and retreat to find friends on opposite sides of 400 square foot refurbished warehouse basement in gentrified neighborhood upscale lounge. guy sees girl’s other girls, and immediately realizes he’s regrettably chosen runt of respective litter. to make analogy, guy thought he found great deal for 08 maxima in lot full of 01 neons, but instead learns he could’ve leased 09 benz coupe for same price. guys whips out blackberry, deletes number, and immediately writes about said situation on fmylife.com

if you ask any of us, we’ll each give you a laundry list of traits that we undoubtedly find attractive. we’ll each also tell you that recognition of these traits are completely unable to be altered by outside forces. we pride ourselves on being able to procure and publicize the procuration of the diamond in the rough…at least until we learn that the diamond has five extraordinarily less-cloudy diamond friends.

the idea of attractiveness and the arbitrariness of quality and value inherently calls for us to compare and contrast. the fact that attractiveness is relative is an understood part of the game. whats not so understood is what happens when your perception lies, convincing you your choice was mediocre just because you’ve very recently been in close contact with kenya-esque genetic outliers.

that same cream convertible chrysler concorde you’ve been aching for isn’t any less hot if its being sold at a bentley lot, but try telling that to yourself at the club when you find out that the handsome assistant middle school principal you’ve been excitably vibing with all night is strikingly shorter, poorer, dumber, less endowed, and less potentially compatible with you than his immediate crew of rhodes scholar p*rn star bio-chemists. he hasn’t changed a bit, just your perception of how attractive he might be.

so what now? what do we do when we notice that our neighbors green-ass grass is sh*tting all over our lawns? do we pretend we live in vacuums of contentness and contextlessness, or prepare ourselves for the possibility of the perpetual potential upgrade? is any particular gender more susceptible to fall victim to this?¹

who knows.

all i know is that, for your own sake, its not necessarily a bad thing if your close clubbing crew all favor chubb rock

…unless of course you favor the construction workers from fraggle rock.

fraggle-rock

¹of course. duh

—the champ

guilty as charged

regardless of how unshallow or disdainful of superficiality you might claim to be, we all have our standards of what we deem datable and/or attractive. some of us are more willing to overlook certain things while others aren’t too keen about relaxing their standards, but we all have an image, an archetype of what we’d consider to be ideal.

but then…sometimes it happens.

you can’t explain it, you can’t reason with it, and it doesn’t make sense in your head, but sometimes you find yourself completely enthralled with someone who’s basically completely out of your “attractiveness box”. sometimes they’re the “wrong” race or body build or age, or sometimes you’ve been on the bandwagon so long that you’re scared to jump off and admit that you find them attractive. regardless of the reasoning behind it, they’re your guilty pleasures.

today, as a therapeutic exercise, i’m gonna name a few somewhat famous people who, despite the fact that they dont fit my archetype, still make me want to f*ck the sh*t out of them are extremely attractive to me.

enjoy and sh*t.

vanessa bell calloway

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she’s like five years younger than my mother and also has a daughter who, in two years or so (just to be safe) would definitely get it, which makes things kind of awkward. with that being said, i could soooo see her as some recent divorcee drinking a rum and coke at some lounge, slightly tipsy and flirty in a “i’m gonna tease the hell out of this young dude…but if he comes correct, who knows?” way, leading to an all-night sexual rendezvous culminating with me waking up in the morning to some fire-ass, exotic ass omelette and a note explaining why i’ll never see her again.

(hmmm, maybe i’ve given this scenario a bit too much thought. moving on…)

cheryl hines (larry david’s wife on “curb your enthusaism”)

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she talks and walks funny and kind of looks like a duck. regardless of that though, i’ve just always had this feeling that she’d be incredible in bed, and i cant explain why. you’ll just hafta trust me

natalie portman

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: she’s approximately the size of my left thigh, and roughly the same color as my bedroom walls. yet, despite the fact that i think i could realistically break her back while breaking her back, she’s always done it for me…even going back to, gulp, “the professional

ashanti

reasons for being a guilty pleasure: ive never publically admitted until today that i’ve always been attracted to her, for fear of getting banned from the n*gganet. i fear no more. release your f*cking hounds. i scared of them no more

so, people of vsb.com, what pop cultural or celebrity figures would be your “guilty pleasures”? people who you’d think you wouldnt be attracted to at all, but, for whatever reason, they just do it for you, or people you’ve been scared to admit in public that you’re attracted to, for fear of getting rocks thrown at you?

we’re all family here….don’t be scurred

—the champ