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The 10 Men You Should Never, Ever, Ever Consider Dating

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Last week, Essence.com published “10 Underrated Men & Why You Should Date Them” — a piece where the homie Paul Carrick Brunson basically explained that single women shouldn’t immediately dismiss their prospective knights just because the shine on his armor might be a little dull.

Included among the types of men who shouldn’t be overlooked were “Introverted Guys,” “No Flava Guys,” and, what will forever be a point of contention between (the majority of) men and women, “Under 5’5″ Guys”

Height is the number one request I hear from my female clients, with the average request coming in at 6 feet. But, those same clients are surprised to know that only 14 percent of men in the U.S. meet or exceed that clearance level. Height is sought for the feeling of masculinity it embodies. However, masculinity is the combination of physical prowess (height is only a portion of this component), courage, and honor – he may be vertically challenged, but if he makes up for it in other areas, this guy is a keeper!

Yet, while Paul’s attempt to spread love to men who many women have deemed unlovable is laudable, I think the opposite — listing men who women should avoid dating/speaking to/making eye contact with/riding into submission/fantasizing about/playing the pull-out game with — is even more necessary.

1. The Cheater

While the “once a cheater, always a cheater” cliche is completely false — Why? Well, people change and sh*t. Just look at Tyrese (Wait, nevermind. Bad example) — the perceived “truth” of this saying comes from the mouths and minds of the hundreds of thousands of decision-making deficient dumb broads who stayed with men who already cheated on them!

Yes, cheaters can change, but if you caught him mid-stroke while he was banging his favorite barista on your bedroom dresser (While she’s still wearing her Starbucks uniform, no less!), you need to give his ass the opportunity to change with someone else.

2. The Corporate Thug

You’re probably surprised that I’d list the “corporate thug” — the hard-driving, debonair, dexterous, and deep-d*cking Don Quixote to every 18 to 95 year old black women’s Dulcinea — on a list of men that women should avoid dating, but I have good reason for this.

You see, like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, The Lochness Monster, and the chaste Delta, the Corporate Thug doesn’t actually exist, and I hate to see my sistas get their panties all drenched because of a very convincing apparition, even if said apparition happens to be the ghost of Stringer Bell.

Wet panties with no payoff = angry laundry, and angry laundry keeps chicks from fighting crime.

3. The “Just Got Hot” Guy

While you probably don’t have much to worry about if you knew the guy before he won the life lottery, meeting and dating the real life Mike Jones is a no-win proposition…unless, of course, you consider getting “close-bused” until he finds a suitable upgrade to be “winning.”

4. The Bisexual

I really don’t have a reason for listing him here, but each person who crafts a list about the type of men black women need to avoid dating is contractually obligated to list “The Bisexual Man” at least once, and I thought it was about time to fill my quota.

5. The “I’m Not Into Any Sports Whatsoever” Guy

Why? Well, it’s just a bit odd to meet an American man who has completely eschewed probably the most prominent socialization process for any male. It’s also more than likely that he’s transcendentally weird too, as these are the types of guys who drink ketchup packets and take showers with their socks on.

6. Mr. “It’s Still Men Over Bitches even though I’m like 37.” (Mr. “ISMOBETILTS” for short)

While it’s cool and cute for a 25 year old guy to have a go-to crew of co-signers, club-buddies, and college broheims who he consults with before making any major decisions, if you’re dating a guy who’s on the other side of 30 and still knee-deep in bromantic bliss, you and any relationship you try to pursue will be about as meaningless and useless as tits on a bull.

7. The “Still cool with every single one of his exes” Guy

Although it’s (somewhat) cool to still be in contact with an ex or two, the guy who’s still chummy with each of his former partners in coitus is probably more concerned with collecting and creating a complementary harem of women he’s f*cked before — even if he has no plans to sleep with them again — than he’ll ever be with actually committing to one.

8. The “I’m really not like the rest of the guys” Guy

Why? Two reasons:

A) They’re duplicitous traitors willing to sell out and disparage their entire gender just for the chance to possibly sniff some janky broads panties. It’s almost as if they’re preemptively p*ssy-whipped themselves.

B) They’re liars. We ALL leave the toilet seat up, we’ll ALL forget at least one of your birthdays, we ALL drink juice straight from the carton, and we’ll ALL attempt to “accidentally” put it in your butt.

9. The Super Low Sex Drive Guy

Let’s just say that there are few things on the planet worse than a woman who’s going through withdrawal because her “in-touch-with-his-spiritual-side”-ass boyfriend refuses to break her back. And, by “there are few things” I mean “there is nothing.”

10. The Old Guy

Because, despite their wisdom, calming natures, attractive bank accounts, and unlimited Viagra, old men have worms.

Anyway, people of VSB, I’m sure I’m forgetting a few: Can you think of any other “guys” who should make the list? Also, is there anyone on the list who doesn’t deserve to be there? The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime is now available on Kindle for $9.99

A Good Problem?

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Last week, while on Twitter and thinking of unique ways to plug our book (Just did it again!), I happened to see “Skylar Diggins” — a sophomore point guard at Notre Dame — among the trending topics. Now, Diggins had just led Notre Dame to a victory over the UConn women, an earth-shattering upset along the lines of “Jermaine Dupri just bagged Janet Jackson!!!“, but her athletic prowess was only part of the reason for the attention she was receiving.¹

You see, Diggins is quite possibly the best looking high-level female athlete…ever (Yes. Ever. Anyone else you’d name — Swin Cash, Serena Williams, Marion Jones, Candice Parker, Laila Ali, etc — would fall short. She’s the Kenya Moore/Esther Baxter hybrid to everyone else’s everyone else.), and this extra attention was due to the myriad ways people (and by “people” I mean “black men”) acknowledged this fact through words, tweets, blogs, and even song (Seriously!)

But, along with the hundreds of thousands of different n*ggas who’d offered to impregnate and/or marry her via the internet, something else happened: People actually watched her play.

Men (and women) who were usually more excited by kidney stones and stink bugs with syphilis than the idea of women’s college basketball tuned in to watch Notre Dame play in the championship against Texas A&M. And, those who watched the entire game saw a contest that was much, much, much more entertaining than the sh*tfest the Butler and UConn men produced the night before², and probably left appreciating women’s basketball a bit more than they did before.

Now, not everybody was pleased with the type of attention Diggins received, and a couple paragraphs from an email exchange between Zerlina Maxwell of The Loop 21 and I helps explain exactly why.

“I still just don’t feel comfortable with women (it’s usually women even though you were correct to point out that at times it occurs with men) getting all that attention primarily because of their looks.  That’s just troubling and it’s not only in sports…

…But the fact that jokers were on twitter going on and on and on about how pretty Skylar is and what not with the rare mention of the fact that she is good at the game is just frustrating.”

(In an earlier email, Maxwell also brought up the point that any aesthetic-based interest would be fleeting. Basically, anyone watching just to see if Diggins was hot probably wouldn’t watch again. While this is true, I replied that all attention, even fleeting and/or superficial attention, is better than none. )

Now, (obviously) I think this — people watching just because they think a particular player is attractive — is a good “problem” to have. Even if you take sports out of the equation, I don’t think it’s a bad thing if a person’s looks gets them an opportunity or opens a door that may have been locked otherwise. In this sense, the end justifies the means. But, (although unlikely) I realize that I could be wrong, and I’m curious what you think.

People of VSB.com, Is all attention good if it leads to a desired result? Does it really matter if the only reason you got into your dream law firm is because one of the partners wanted to hit it during your interview? I mean, as long as you get in (and he, um, doesn’t) right?

The carpet is yours.

¹I actually first noticed Diggins a couple years ago while flicking through channels on a lazy Sunday. I came across an ESPN documentary centered on a high school basketball tournament featuring many of the top boys and girls teams in the country. Although several different teams were profiled, two in particular were showcased: An Atlanta-area boys team starring eventual NBA lottery pick Derrick Favors, and a girls team from Indiana starring an athlete whose presence on-screen immediately produced two thoughts in my head:
A) She might be the best looking female athlete I’ve ever seen
B) Um, you do realize she’s in high school, right? Settle down, Champ Kelly.
After remembering that my open living room window gave God a clear shot to watch me a bit too interested in the aesthetic attributes of an 18 year old girl, I tried to convince myself that she was in fact a 27 year old undercover cop masquerading as a high school basketball player to bust an intercontinental crystal meth ring. It didn’t work.
²I was thisclose to saying that the Butler/UConn championship game was the single most disturbing, disgusting, and depressing thing I’ve ever watched, but I just remembered that an unexplained bout of curiosity and stupidity caused me to watch “The Human Centipede” Saturday night. Now, the Butler/UConn championship game is only the second most disturbing, disgusting, and depressing thing I’ve ever watched.

—The Champ

Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime is now available on Kindle for $9.99

Why (Some) Women Are Reluctant To Accept That “Game” Works

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I don’t remember when exactly I first heard about “The Game” — Neil Strauss’ best-selling look into the pick-up artist (PUA) community — but I do remember being 1) confused by the name “The Game” (I don’t know what it is, but something about titling something “The Game” just doesn’t compute with me. It’s almost like it’s hitting ctrl-alt-delete on my brain. Seriously, it took me almost three years to completely grasp that the rapper The Game’s name was actually The Game. I kept believing I was seeing a typo or something) and 2) intrigued by the concept of PUA.

I’ve always thought that the dating game, or, more specifically, a person’s success in the dating game was much more dependent on science than art, so hearing that there were actual concretized rules that all men (Yes. All) who had frequent success with attractive women followed made sense.

Included among these laws are specific terminology like ”cat-string theory” — the idea that you keep a woman engaged just enough to hold her attention, but never give her your full attention — and ”the neg” — a backhanded compliment/slight dig that serves a dual purpose (1. To give a man an opportunity to expose how witty he can be, and, more importantly, 2. To show a woman that he’s not the slightest bit impressed by her beauty)

According to members/followers of the PUA community, once you remove the harshness of some of the terminology, all it does is give some actual meat to ambiguous terms such as “swagger” and “je ne sais quoi,” and I can’t say I don’t agree with that assertion.

Basically, whether it’s conscious or not, the men who are generally thought to have an attractive/alluring (even though I hate this term, I have to use it here) “swag” generally follow the PUA rules to a T when approaching women. I mean, “negs” are frequently incorporated by any guy from 5 to 55 whose ever flirted with an/or teased a woman, and any guy who’s ever had any type of consistent success with women knows that (generally speaking) the best way to spark a woman’s interest is to act like you’re really not that interested in her at all. This isn’t “game” as much as it’s just best practices.

Predictably, many, if not most, women are loathe to publicly admit that game actually works  – ironically, some women will make this passionate anti-game argument while they’re knee-deep in the process of being gamed – and here’s three reasons why this reluctance exists.

1. Admitting that game works completely contradicts one of the most prominent and protected tenets of womanhood: All women are unquestionably and undoubtedly unique.

Ever since the day they were born (or, if you’re a woman from Harlem, The Hill District, or Lincoln Heights, ever since their mothers decided to name them “Shauntananique“), most women have had the idea that they were extremely special and extremely precious repeatedly beat into their heads. Now, this isn’t a bad thing. Any good parent is going to do everything they can to make sure their daughter has a healthy portion of self-esteem. I mean, if I ever decide to have a daughter and she comes to me crying about not getting invited to a classmate’s sleepover, I probably won’t tell her “Hey, young daughter of The Champ, don’t worry about it. You weren’t invited because you’re not really all that special, and, well, you’re not really all that special so get used to disappointment.”

But, with this perpetual positive reinforcement cunninglingus comes a natural aversion to accepting the idea that game works because, well, game works by reinforcing the idea that each individual woman isn’t really all that special. The sense of ”Well, maybe that happened to her…but that damn sure aint gonna happen to me,” doesn’t fly because, with slight variations, the same techniques that worked with Debbie in Des Moines work just as well with Tisha in Tampa, Brittany in Boston, and Changpu in Chicago (she’s an exchange student).

2. Most of the men associated with the concept of game/PUA are, for lack of a better term, creepy weirdo motherf*ckers.

Let’s just say that when the most prominent members of a community go by names like “Mystery” and look like this…

…it just might be a tad difficult to accept that what they’re saying might actually work.

I even admit to being taken aback by Neil Strauss’ appearance and relatively effeminate voice when seeing him on a couple talk shows in the last week. He just didn’t look or sound anything like how I expected.

Thing is, the fact that these guys aren’t traditionally attractive should actually give them more credibility. I mean, men like Boris Kodjoe and Idris Elba can receive female interest just by walking in the room and saying “Huh,” so I’d be more interested in hearing exactly how a guy who looks like he should be selling me skinny ties at Urban Outfitters managed to be “successful.”

3. “Game” continues to have a somewhat undeserved negative connotation.

From “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night” (It’s not a game with the “quoting paragraphs from your own book” game)

Although many associate the phrase running game with deception and subterfuge, game is nothing but seduction, and men do it to convince the one being “gamed” to do something the gamer wants them to do. It’s actually more advertising than artifice, and while it’s usually used in a dating or relationship context, you don’t have to be a “pimp” or “playa” to practice or appreciate it.

It’s a Mercedes commercial that makes you fantasize about how it would feel to drive up to your high school reunion in a new Benz coupe. It’s what every career counselor worth their salt would advise you to put on your resumes and cover letters to ensure your prospective employers see you in the most positive light possible. It’s all the flattering pictures on your Facebook page you’ve deemed taggable, lest one of your friends see what you actually look like.

To be completely frank, the best answer to “How can I tell if I’m being gamed?” is “Are you alive?”

Anyway, people of VSB: How do you feel about the concept of “game,” and why do you think women are relunctant to admit that they’ve been (or are being) gamed?

Also, do you think there’s some truth to the idea that the same general techniques work with most (if not all) women, or do you think it’s completely bullsh*t.

—The Champ

 

Why “Staying Attractive” Is The Most Underrated Act Of Love

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The survey of 2,000 British adults in steady relationships pinpointed the 36-month mark as the time when relationship stress levels peak and points to a new trend of “pink passes” and “solo” holidays away from partners and spouses that many Britons resort to in order to keep romance alive.

The poll compared feedback from those in short-term relationships (defined as less than three years) and people who were married or in longer-term partnerships.

The findings showed that 67 percent of all of those surveyed said that small irritations which are seemingly harmless and often endearing during the first flushes of love often expand into major irritations around 36 months.

More than half of the Brits surveyed (52 percent) who were in younger relationships said they enjoyed sexual relations at least three times a week, compared to just 16 percent of those in relationships older than three years.

These findings — taken from  “The 7-year itch is now the 3-year glitch” — should come as a surprise to no one who’s been in a serious relationship. After the honeymoon stage — that blissful period where nobody farts, everybody still pretends to love each other’s families, and all intense arguments are quickly followed by even more intense (and still real) orgasms — relationships tend to lose a bit of their luster. This isn’t a bad thing, though. Once you’re off the contact high from the proverbial new car smell, you’re able to more accurately assess whether it’s something worth saving.

But, what did surprise me is what exactly was most often cited as the number one “passion killer.”

Money issues? No.

Displeasure with monogamy? Try again.

Incongruent sex drives? Nope.

Extended contact with Eric Williams? Not this time.

Done guessing? Ok.

The top 10 everyday niggles and passion-killers: 1. Weight gain/lack of exercise, 13 percent; 2. Money & Spend thriftiness, 11 percent; 3. Anti-social working hours, 10 percent; 4. Hygiene issues (personal cleanliness), 9 percent; 5. In-Laws/extended family – too much/too little, 9 percent; 6. Lack of romance (sex, treats etc.), 8 percent; 7. Alcohol – drinking too much, 7 percent; 8. Snoring & anti social bedtime habits, 6 percent; 9. Lapsed fashion-Same old underwear/clothes, 4 percent; 10. Bathroom habits – Stray nail cuttings etc., 4 percent.

Yup. You read that correctly. Weight gain was at the top of the list. In fact, if you add weight gain/lack of exercise (13%) with hygiene issues (9%) and lapsed fashion (4%), 26% of the people responding to this survey cited something appearance related as the number one reason why they’re grown a bit more lukewarm about their mate. Admittedly, this was a pretty small survey, but when you think about all the sh*t we talk about money issues, sex drives, meddling friends and family, ambiguous commitments, and uncertain futures, its pretty funny to see that apparently all most of us need to keep the spark alive is a gym membership and a working Macy’s charge card.

Department store chain credit rip-offs aside, it’s really not all that surprising that appearance and physical upkeep plays such a large role in determining our intra-relationship passion, and it’s all due to the fact that the more serious a relationship gets, the more you see.

Anyone who’s ever had a job worth having knows that most of these types of jobs hold new employees to some sort of probationary period. Sure, you have the gig and there’s really not much of a chance that you’ll get let go, but you make sure to be on your best behavior — i.e. no 80 minute lunches, blue jeans on casual Fridays, or p*rn downloading on the office laptop — until that grace period passes. The new relationship honeymoon stage follows the same train of thought. Things are still new, and you’re still going on frequent dates, dressing up for these dates, and making sure that you’re wearing your newest (and freshest) undergarments in anticipation for what’s going to happen after these dates.

Once the honeymoon/probationary period fades, though, you start getting a little comfortable. The beard that was perfectly trimmed every time you saw him has now been replaced by a 3, 4, 5, and 6 day old stubble that, along with making him look a bit scruffier than you like, is beginning to irritate you whenever he gives you head. The inside joke you share about how her butt has gotten bigger since you’ve started dating is substituted with the thought that her butt isn’t the only thing on her that’s getting bigger now. You’ve now officially seen his penis flaccid more than you’ve seen it erect, and he’s officially seen your hair in more stages of “undone” than actually done.

Again, this is one of the hallmarks of a truly serious relationship. You get to a point where you’re not only comfortable with your mate seeing your “warts,” you actually want them to see them so you’re sure they’re into the real you and not the probationary period you. But, when you add this post-probation mindset with the weight gain that occurs after 3 to 6 months of going to the Cheesecake Factory every other weekend, it’s easy to understand how a couple can become a bit less enthused about each other’s bodies and how this lukewarm feeling can eventually lead to a loss of passion.

How do you rectify this? Well, nature has made it so that certain physical changes are inevitable, and any adult should realize and accept this. But, while staying “attractive” — and, in this case, “attractive” is completely arbitrary –  is far from the only thing a person in a relationship needs to concern themselves with¹, doing what you can to stay reasonably fit and “take-out-in-public-worthy” is just as much of an act of love and compassion as supporting your mate through grad school or delivering them homemade chicken soup while they’re under the weather at work. I know that wasn’t the most politically correct thing to say, but PC has no reign over what seems to actually matter to us.

Anyway, people of VSB, what do you think? Do you consider staying attractive to be an act of love?

Also, did the results of the survey surprise you, and if you were asked to name your number one passion killer, what would it be?

¹I call this condition — when a person’s only focus in life is to remain as physically attractive as possible — “evelynlozadus”

—The Champ

how helena andrews (and every other successful and lonely young black woman) can improve her luck

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helena_cartoon1

i’ve never met helena andrews, and i most likely never will.

but, after reading “successful, black, and lonely” and watching the corresponding video, i can say that i’ve known, dated, slept with, talked to, discussed, consoled, admonished, sympathized with, and theorized about her my entire adult life.

i also know that her washington post profile will probably spawn a nation-wide discussion about the perpetually single successful black female of the saks fifth serengeti, and that ms andrews and her upcoming memoir (“bitch is the new black”) will be dissected, debated, and dichotomized more times than drake’s appeal.

admittedly, i don’t know exactly why ms. andrews herself is single. her lonely lot could be due to anything from bad choices, bad luck, and bad timing to haughtiness, hopelessness, and halitosis. but, i’ve known enough of her doppelgangers to have a pretty good idea of a few things she might be able to do (or stop doing) to improve her fortune: Continue reading →