11 Things That Men Do That Are Attractive ONLY If You’re Interested

This picture has nothing to do with the post. Shoutouts to the northeast.

This picture has nothing to do with the post. Shoutouts to the northeast.

Recently, I came across a slight ridiculous and mostly no-sh*t-Sherlock list on Huffington Post (courtesy of Reddit) entitled, “The 11 Most Attractive Things That Men Do Without Even Realizing It”. While I can appreciate a list like this existing and being curated via a question from somebody asking what men do that that we O.E.N.O. that has the lady parts flourishing, I side-eyed this list with the passion of a Peyton Manning interception. Mostly because just like with anything else in life, all things are attractive when you’re interested. EVERYTHING.

Why? Well only ewe can make me do the things I do. Such as…be like say heffa say what at:

7. Concentrate hard. “I love the look a guy has on his face when he is trying to figure something out,” one user wrote. No know-it-alls required.”

Let’s just keep it onehunnid. Despite constantly telling us menfolks that we don’t deserve any cookies for just doing things your supposed to do (raising your kids, not going to jail, waking up in the morning, etc), women stay giving us cookies for things we’re just supposed to do (raising our own kids, not going to jail, waking up in the morning, etc). The fact that “thinking” was on a list of things that are attractive without us even knowing it is the reason why people keep watching Love & Hip-Hop. I will forever believe this. Also on this list are: “laugh out loud” “roll up one’s shirtsleeves” and “use eye contact” <—presumably at the strip club.

While the list does have some merit, I suppose, I’m not a woman afterall, I figured I’d go ahead and toss out a much more useful list. One with a bit more insight into the human condition…the Vidal Sassoon of the spirit if you will. A bit of Garnier Fructis for the soul. So here are 11 things that men do that are attractive ONLY if you’re interested in him.

1. Talk about marriage

If a woman is interested and you don’t seem like an axe murderer, telling her that you’re going to marry her (even on the first date) isn’t the most stalkerish thing you can do. Meanwhile, if she’s NOT interested in you, jokingly texting her a marriage proposal leads to screenshots, restraining orders, and relocations. No matter WHEN you do it.

In the same vein…

2. Talking about having children

Here’s the “does she like me” test: tell a chick you want to give her a baby. If she’s feeling you, she’ll laugh and make some comment about what the combination of your genes would produce. If she’s not? Well, consider that love connection more dead than, hey…did y’all know that Chuck Woolery is still alive?

3. Show Up Uninvited

PSA: Never EVER do the drop by house visit without calling first. There are too many technological advancements available to you that renders any excuse for not touching base a complete lie at worst and a perfect storm of unfortunate events at best. But, you are MUCH less likely to get cursed out if she actually likes you. The first time, it might be a shock but could be considered romantic (hence the attractive part) as long as you have a plan. Like, show up and say, hey, let’s go. Don’t talk just listen (*cue DeVante keyboard riff*). But if she doesn’t f*ck with you my rap? Yeah…that is going to go soooooooooo badly.

Don’t show up uninvited, people.

4. Be the center of attention

If she likes you, she will love that you can work a room and socialize. It’s like honeysuckle breeze to women. They love a confident man who is in full control. Then there’s the other end where you’re just an arrogant f*ck who needs attention. You might as well be Rich Dollaz.

5. Call and/or text repeatedly

Who are we kidding, nobody makes phone calls anymore. That sh*t ain’t cute. She likes you, you’re being attentive and giving her attention. She doesn’t, you’re a motherlovin’ bugaboo. “Why does this fool keep textin’ me…DAMN!”

6. Take seflies

It is a commonly held belief that men shouldn’t take selfies. I piss all over this assertion because how else are you supposed to document the hot dog you are eating at the time. Selfies are daily journal entries. Well, as long as your boo is feeling you, they’re cute and she likes the way you stand at that 74 degree angle with your hat bill facing the sun at the just the ring angle to allow the angels of heavens to dance the macarena in your eyes. Reverse that and you know how she feels if she can’t stand your bum ass.

7. Breathe

She likes you, its cute when you breathe. She doesn’t? She wishes you’d stop. Oh my bad, that’s number 12 on the HuffPo list.

8. Be an idealist

You know, one of those people who spends his time dreaming of the next level while having no clue how to get there? Yeah, that sh*t cute my nword. Until it isn’t. You’re really just a broke dude who probably lives with your momma if she ain’t interested. There’s nothing attractive about being broke.

9. Colorblocking

You fashionable motherf*cker, you. Well, either that or, “why does he look like a bag of Skittles?” There’s very little middle ground.

10. Rapping/Producing

Probably the truest litmus test of interest. Women who like you will support your dreams and find creative so aphrodisiasical. The rest of the female populace just thinks you’re a clown, Krusty.

11. Blogging

A close cousin to rapping/producing. When women like you, you’re a writer. And writers are attractive because they have a way with words. And chicks dig words. When they don’t, you’re just a motherf*cker with some random blog that nobody gives two f*cks about. Trust me, I’m a blogger.

What else you got? What is attractive ONLY if you like him (they like us)?

Talk to me.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. SHE LOVES ME SHE LOVES ME NOT aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

 

If You’re Happy, Then I’m Good…Maybe I’ll See You Next Lifetime…

Awwwwwwwwwwwwkward.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwkward.

Have you seen the movie 10 Years? If not, what will follow are some spoilers of sorts. If you’ve never heard of it, then don’t sweat it and just continue reading.

It’s a 2011 movie that stars Channing Tatum and his wife (can’t remember her name) and a cast of folks you’d know by face if not by name and my boo, Rosario Dawson. It’s a movie about a 10 year high school reunion. Pretty simple premise. You’ve got the bully who wants to make amends even though its not really that genuine despite his protestations that it is. You’ve got the guys who never grew up; the wigger turned back white boy whose wife is agitated by his prior life as a Black kid trapped inside of a white kids body. You’ve got the now famous recording artists whose…well, no need to spoil it all. Point is, it’s a movie about a high school reunion.

Well the crux of the story is about Jake (Tatum) and Mary (Dawson). They’re both in committed relationships now and really both wanted to see one another even if Jake probably mostly only brought his woman assuming that Mary wouldn’t be there. Clearly, they’re high school exes who fell apart, not because of love but because of circumstance. Let me be upfront, I’m a sucker for movies like this. Any movie that has significant nostalgia, reflection, and realization is a win for me.

It’s clear that Jake and Mary still have “something” for one another even if they’ve both moved on. The love is still there, evidenced by the awkward hug they give one another. You ever notice that when you have any sort of feelings for somebody, hugs are awkward? That’s the best way to tell if somebody is feeling somebody else…the way they touch one another in the most innocent way possible. It’s poignant and telling.

Well, after they’ve effectively pissed off their significant others with tremendous awkwardness, to the point that both SOs excuse themselves from the festivities from the evening, they get the moments they needed.

The moments to know that the other is okay. They haven’t spoken in 8 years and likely never stopped thinking of one another the entire time. Hell, they admit to trying to find each other, something I’m sure we’ve all done and do with people we care about even if we don’t contact them any longer for various reasons. That’s made even easier with social networking – which neither of them has.

After the night comes to a close and everybody is leaving, neither is truly ready to leave until they get to have a short but necessary conversation where they catch up and find out if the other person is happy. They embrace. The thing that stands out to me about their situation is that its clear that they never stopped loving each other. They just had to move on.

Even Jake’s girlfriend has to ask before she drives off, “what happened? Why did you all break up?” because it’s clear that there’s a “there” there. And while neither is prepared to explore that “there” anymore, they still love one another. They have an entire world to themselves that nobody else can truly appreciate or understand short of their closest friends there at the reunion.

But in those final moments you can tell that they are two people who got the chance to make sure that the person they truly love…like that real palpable love, is cool. And that is needed to go on about life okay. Even if they never speak again…they got that satisfaction. In the most non-sensical parallel possible, its like when you have a insane sexual chemistry with somebody for so long that you just need to smash to get it out of your system…and when you all do, you can go on about life either as friends or as folks you never speak to again. Odd, but it makes total sense and I’m sure along side Miley Cyrus twerking right now, it is happening somewhere in America.

In the words of Anthony Hamilton, and the point of it all is this: I wonder if most of us have that person that we truly love even if there isn’t anything more that can come of it. Jake and Mary were completely innocent in their desires to reconnect. They just needed to know. I know I’ve had that person…and I know she’s good. We’ll always have the weirdest of connections, to the point where I’m not even sure I can explain it. So I don’t try. It’s unnecessary. I’m good. She’s good. And we’ll always be people who love one another and it goes no further than that. It’s not active love. It’s somewhere out there, somebody is thinking about me so I never have to worry about being a nobody. It’s mostly odd because for many of those situations it is offputting for significant others, and it seems more guilty than it is…but sometimes you just need a few moments alone just to know folks are okay. That’s love.

So…do you have that kind of person? Is it okay to have that kind of person if you’re in a relationship? If you do, how the hell did it come to pass like that? Or are you one of the fortunate people where the past is always the past for you….period?

What’s love?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka lower.case.p aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Why Praising Someone For Their Brain Is Just As “Shallow” As Praising Them For Their Beauty

"What's wrong?" "I know you were online when I tweeted that story about Jason Kidd. Why didn't you retweet me?"

“What’s wrong?” “I know you were online when I tweeted that story about Jason Kidd. Why didn’t you retweet me?”

While it was generally well-received, yesterday’s guest post from Chris E. garnered some pretty pointed criticism. Some I anticipated (a young and attractive newlywed making any complaint whatsoever about married life is going to feel some pushback). And, some caught me by surprise. I had no idea that some people think that wanting some form of validation from the opposite sex—and feeling weirded out when it’s not there—made a person (at best) insecure or even (at worst) mentally ill.

This left me with two conclusions:

1. VSB has somehow managed to collect some of the most grounded, unflappable, and self-assured men and women who have ever existed. 

Or…

2. Some of you are full of shit. 

While I (obviously) can’t speak for everyone, I think we all seek validation in some way or another. And, sometimes this validation is from strangers. Perhaps we don’t all desire to continue to be hit on after we’re already married or told we’re sexy, but really how is that any different from tweeting something especially insightful and anxiously waiting to see how many retweets you get or telling a small joke at the end of a staff meeting and smiling to yourself after making a few people laugh? In each case, you did something to garner an insignificant response that made you feel a little better about your day. Why is one “better” than the other?

Oh yeah. Because seeking and receiving brain-based validation is “better” than seeking and receiving beauty-based validation. Beauty-based validation—basically, validation based on something completely superficial and completely out of your control—is shallow, while brain based validation means you did something that anyone could have potentially done, but you just did it better.

Makes perfect sense until you realize this is bullshit as well.

Just as some people were born with more beauty-related gifts that others—natural curves, defined cheekbones, symmetric faces, clear skin, perfect teeth, etc—some of us were born with more brain-based gifts. Maybe you were born with an above average IQ. Maybe you learned to read at two. Maybe you’re able to do complex equations in your head while others need calculators. Maybe you’ve always had an advanced verbal intelligence, and you’ve always been the funniest and wittiest person in the room.

Either way, these are positive traits you really had absolutely nothing to do with. Sure, you went to school and read books and shit to enhance what you were already given, but all you did was enhance what you were already given. Your hard work didn’t give you those talents. Your mommy and daddy did. In this context, taking an architecture class to maintain and build on an already advanced spatial intelligence is no different than staying fit and using a skin regiment to maintain and build on your natural looks.

Obviously, there are people who managed to make themselves smarter through hard work, persistence, and will. But even they started somewhere and were more equipped to grow intellectually than someone born with even less intellectual gifts. Everyone has a range. Some ranges are just more expansive than others. (For instance, I was born with a decent amount of smarts and natural athletic ability, but regardless of how many books I read, games of 24 I played, or weights I lifted, I had no chance of being Stephen Hawking or Lebron James.)

I’m not saying we should stop praising people for their brains. Just that praising a person who was already born smart for their wit is really just as “shallow” as heaping blessings on their booty.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

One Woman’s Fear That “Wedding Ring” = “No More Random Male Attention…EVER!”

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***Hello, everyone. Please welcome Chris E. to the VSB pulpit. Since this is her first time, I added a few notes under some of her words to, um, help her out. Who said I wasn’t a gentleman?***

All the excitement of “when is he going to call?”, “I know what this text says literally, but when I stare at it long enough…”, and “why are you hiding in my car?” is done. Over. I jumped the broom into a new world of interaction with men: cordiality, appropriateness, and respect. I am a wife now, a southern preacher’s wife at that. To be admired quietly from afar, left alone with my #turndownforthis stone on my wedding band. It’s lovely and mildly terrifying knowing I’ll only hear Rick James’ “Cold Blooded” ad libs from one man for the rest of my life.

***So yeah. It’s quite difficult to pull off a full paragraph humblebrag—it took me three and a half years to learn how to do it—but Chris E. managed to land it on her first try. Wow. Good job, grasshopper. Also, is it bad that I still have absolutely no idea what any of these “turn down” references mean? Panama tried to explain it to me a couple weeks ago, but I got distracted by a video of someone twerking on a mailbox and tuned him out.***

I’m a former waitress, nightclub bartender, and Oakland resident—a city where ninjas will hop outta moving bus window for the number on you.

***From what I’ve heard about Oakland, I’m pretty sure they’re just making sure you recycle. And, by “making sure you recycle” I mean “asking if you strip.”***

Although I’ve never been dependent on it for validation, those factors made me accustomed to a lot of male attention. I live for the spectacular conversation that comes with being approached. As a screenwriter, it’s a fantastic dialogue resource. I could never come up with Too $hort banishing me from a domino game then walking across the Coliseum parking lot to inform me I put too much mustard on my hot dog on my own. What if seeing my ring suddenly stops all the Playas from the Himalayas from ever speaking up?

***You’re actually the first woman I’ve heard complain about this. Most I’ve talked to seem to consider the whole “guys won’t approach me as often if they see the ring” thing a good thing.***

A married man’s ring comes with the freak train station magnetic field. They instantly look ten times more desirable! My husband gets to motion with his left hand every other syllable in the pulpit and I have to deal with the women who lust for nothing more than their sanctified pastor. How do I stunt on the hoochie visitors if I don’t feel I’m still batting 1000? Can I look forward to keeping my lips pursed on these crows if my only extramarital affirmation of attractiveness from the opposite sex is an elder’s church hug? I’m used to being greeted with “SH*T! GOTDAMN!” Now it’s “Good morning, Sista, so nice to see you, be blessed, tell Pastor thank you for the message.”

***”Boo f*cking hoo.” — says every single Black woman ever. Seriously though, I have always wondered how married couples deal with that dynamic. Generally speaking, as men age and gain more social/financial status, our romantic options tend to increase. The opposite tends to happen with women. (Not always, but often) I can imagine that being a potential strain on a decades-long relationship.***

If this the real reason why Meagan Good wore that blue dress to the BET Awards, I totally get it.

***I get it too. In fact, I have a gallery of those pics saved to Google drive for those late nights when I’m not sure if I’ve still gotten it.***

Hearing “you’re beautiful” from same person all the time, who’s like, supposed to tell you that even when you’re looking like Gina at Martin’s high school reunion, requires a level of self-awareness on a whole nother frequency. I don’t know if I’m that self-aware. I need to be guided by feedback. Roars of applause before my boobs drop it lower than I can without being told on would be much appreciated. I don’t want to reach that Nicole Ari Parker peak wife fineness and be completely oblivious, realizing years later in a clawing panic.

***The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.***

If this is why Rasheeda made a video for “Hit It From The Back” while pregnant with dancers too uncomfortable to touch her while she rapped about fire coming out her asshole, I totally understand.

Newlywed neurosis has me buggin. I keep fearing I’ll turn into the wild auntie that makes everyone nervous at cookouts from unsolicited compliment deprivation. I live in a small town in Arkansas where street harassment is nonexistent… I can’t get a simple “smile, girl!” walking past a bum. I think about my friends and I celebrating our 30th birthday next year and tense up cause I’m not tryna be hit with the “why are you married in the club?!” diss.

***You do realize that this last paragraph gives concrete justification to all the guys who believe women actually appreciate (and need) street harassment, don’t you?” I’m just sayin.***

I don’t wanna be a dime deferred, a ragged raisin solely adored by vows and obligation. Just a flattering echo outside the home, a lil tug on my figurative bra strap, enough to know I still got it. All I ask. A bachelorette party performer named Hena C has traumatized me for eternity. I can’t seek that in strippers.

***”A Dime Deferred” is definitely a great title to a movie staring Monica Calhoun and Ron Artest that I’d never, ever, ever watch.***

Does it make a married woman insecure to enjoy hearing objective baritone fawning every once in a while?

***Yes. But, join the club.***

Where is the line drawn between post-matrimonial fun and post-matrimonial out of pocket?

***You can find more of Chris E. at Christina Wrote That or at some random southern church being subtlety side-eyed because she didn’t know all the words to Goin Up a Yonder***

10 Dating And Sex-Related Things Never Said By Anyone, Anywhere, Ever

"Babe, before we go out, would you mind ironing again so your creases will be sharper?"

If you’ve ever taken a look at our origin story, you’ll see that helping people and shit is a huge part of our overall mission. We’re here to help you all help yourselves.

As the resident irreverent motherf*cker, I’m a believer in using words like “irreverent” when describing myself to convince people I’m worth listening to. I also enjoy saying things such as “I don’t disagree with you” and “That’s never not been true.”

I have no idea why I’m bringing any of this up, but I do know that, at times, there’s no better way to help someone than to convince them that what they’re doing is f*cking stupid. In this sense, “10 Dating And Sex-Related Things Never Said By Anyone, Anywhere, Ever” is just me being very altruistic.

“Yeah, I didn’t plan on giving him any, but after seven months of attempting to make me feel bad for not being attracted to him, I eventually got so turned on by his perpetual guilt trips that I finally decided to have sex with him”

“After this fifth time getting caught cheating on her, if she forgives me again and takes me back again, I definitely plan on being faithful to her”

“You know what I love most about her, man? Her strength. Dude,  when I think about that and her independence it makes my dick hard”

“I wasn’t feeling him at first, but then I saw that Instagram pic of him  ice-grilling the camera while rocking an ascot, and I was instantly turned on”

“Let me woman up for a second and tell you something. I’m sorry for doing that. I was wrong. I repeat: I, not you, was wrong. It’s completely my fault, and I take total responsibility for my actions”

“Remember that guy I hit on at the bar a few months ago? You know, that guy I thought was really cute, and I walked up to him, told him how sexy I thought he was, and asked for his number? Well, we’re getting married!”

“Not calling, texting, tweeting, seeing, being seem with, spending time with, and claiming her is my way of showing her that I’m completely into her”

“Girl, there’s nothing sexier than being at a movie with him and feeling him attempt to bang me with his dry-ass, popcorn salt laden fingers”

“Hey fellas, at wing night tonight, instead of sharing stories about all the crazy bitches we’ve been with recently, lets talk about the shit we pulled to exacerbate the crazy”

“Man, this is the best party ever. You know what would make things even better? If my girl was here. She’s the funniest person I know”

That’s it for me today. People of VSB.com, can you think of any other dating, sex, and relationship-related statements never said by anyone, anywhere, ever?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

***If you’re in the DC area today, make sure to come out to “Myth or Maybe” — a relationship-related discussion hosted by Panama and the homie Rahiel from Urban Cusp***