things i’ve learned

“you’re always a student”

this statement, along with “never go down the up stairscase” and “eat bacon like noone is watching you” has always been one of my personal edicts. with this in mind, i’ve decided to celebrate 200th entry (damn!) by sharing a few of the relationship-related things ive learned in the past several years.

1. np (new p****) is overrated. seriously. the only thing that can potentially make np better is the concept of np and the realization that you’re actually getting some np. the np itself, though, usually pales in comparison to fp (familiar p****).

2. sh*t is better now, in every context imaginable. f*ck nostalgia.

3. women with their own names displayed anywhere on their bodies, whether its on a necklace or a tat or whatever, tend to be irrationally insecure and high-maintenance assholes.

4. men with their own names displayed anywhere on their bodies, whether its on a necklace or a tat or whatever, tend to be irrationally insecure and high-maintenance assholes.

and gay.

5. nice eyeglasses make women more attractive, potentially increasing their scores by at least a point and a half, and i have absolutely no idea why.

6. sunglasses have the opposite effect. in fact, i always feel that women rocking “stunna shades” are more likely to give random brains in bar bathrooms.

7. tasteful weave isn’t the worst thing in the world. just don’t be going from sinead…


to sade


overnight and sh*t, and you’re good

8.  the two best places/times to pick up women?

a) while shopping (anywhere, except whole foods)

b) while waiting in line (for anything)

the two worst?

a) the zoo

b) whole foods

9.  what a woman likes and why she likes it is just as (if not more) important than what she’s like. basically, her fav book list holds much more resonance than her resume.

10. black men with tribal art tattoos tend to be cornballs…with no exceptions. theyre also more likely to dress like p* rn stars.


black women with tribal art tattoos tend to act like porn stars, unless, of course, they’re related to me.

11. the reason why most adult virgins are undateable has nothing to do with their virginity and everything to do with them letting their virginity completely define them. having a hymen doesn’t make you a freakin martyr.

12. a woman consistently laughing while you’re not even trying to be funny, or consistently not laughing while you’re trying to be funny means that she’s either completely unnerved (and turned on) by you or completely unattracted to you. theres no inbetween. sadly, i still haven’t been able to differentiate which from which. i guess i still have a bit more to learn.

so, people of, share in the magnanimousness and sh*t.

what relationship-related things have you learned?

—the champ

link of the week: mixed signals

we all know the scene.

a scantily clad charlie baltimore doppleganger, in a huddle with other scantily clad and pseudo attractive phillies, sips on an 38 dollar community mojito at a nightclub while her and her girls continue to glare at every man in the club like they were beanie segel and the guys were bars of soap. while she accidentally makes eye contact with some soon to be extremely unfortunate chap, one of her blue tinted contacts shifts in her eye, causing her to blink. the chap interprets this as a come-hitherly wink, and approaches the crew of vultures, thoroughly unprepared for fury about to be unleashed because he had the audacity to approach them.

basically, eagle meets goat

although most of us would either fault him for not paying attention to the body language and general disposition of the horrific crew before he approached, or her for just being a prick, according to university of texas professors martie g. haselton, ph.d., and david m. buss, ph.d,…its nature and sh*t.

according to their study (paraphrasing),

“…men tend to overestimate women’s sexual interest, while women underestimated men’s willingness to commit. but, interestingly enough, both men and women were more accurate in rating women’s commitment levels…

…so why do men and women misjudge only certain cross-sex signals? they’re adaptive biases, say the researchers. according to the theory of natural selection—in which only the fittest survive—males who falsely inferred a woman’s sexual interest stood to gain descendants, and lost little if the woman was a suitable mate. “for ancestral men, it was more costly to miss a reproductive opportunity than to face rejection“, haselton explains. but females who were abandoned after consenting to sex suffered far greater consequences: pregnancy, reduction in mate value and having to raise a child alone. “for women, it was more costly to be deceived by men, so selection favored skeptical women,” he says, “leading to their continued skepticism about men’s willingness to commit.

in a nutshell: guys appear to indiscriminately holler because the idea of rejection pales in comparison to the prospect of potentially passing up some new p, and women are hardwired to be teasing assh*les.

yup. sounds about right.

—the champ