Tag Archives: assholes

gretchen

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***before we get started today, i wanted to give a shout-out to the homie luvvie for spearheading the red pump project this week. all snark aside, that was some really good sh*t. ***

***flash back to the spring of 2003***

11:15: after some intense pre-gaming and skank ducking at arts, the champ and his crew of inebriated assh*les head to whiskey dicks, a fairly popular friday night spot in the burgh

11:30: just to confirm that they are in fact, inebriated assh*les, the champ and his crew of inebriated assh*les begin a three-man freestyle cypher while waiting in line, with each of us trying our hardest to find the most cleverly nasty way to incorporate “whiskey dicks” and “whiskey chicks” in a verse while simultaneously invoking disgust, amusement, appreciation, and intrigue from the women also in line. this tactic always works on wamo nights.

also, because we were listening to “diplomatic immunity” on the ride there, we each rhyme with a cadence eerily similar to juelz santana¹

11:47: the champ orders his customary two jack and cokes and does a solo walk through of the club, “taking attendance” because the champ doesn’t like surprises. the champ also doesn’t like guacamole, or racially ambiguous women. i’m not exactly sure how relevant any of this is, but i just thought i should share.

11:55: after the walk through, he orders two more jack and cokes, and chills at the bar. while doing this, the champ creates a scenario in his head where he’s the silent majority owner of the club, and then proceeds to lean back in his stool, slipping his jacks and watching the action with a detached air of subtle and self-righteous aristocratic bemusement. he stays in character for at least seven minutes².

12:01: the champ makes eye contact with chick who could easily pass for a lighter, hooder, version of nia long³. he approaches her. they introduce themselves (her name was “gee”).

they talk.

12:05: they talk some more.

12:10: they dance.

12:15: the champ takes the short break between songs as an opportunity to get gee’s number. the champ enjoys getting women’s numbers in the middle of packed dance floors, because it give him the opportunity to show everyone that he has a sidekick.

12:16: because of the noise level, the champ can’t really understand what she’s saying, so he hands her the phone to put her name and digits in herself. when finished, she hands the phone back to the champ, gives him a very nice hug, and goes back to chill with her girls.

12:18: before going to search for the rest of his crew of extremely inebriated assh*les, the champ glances in the phone to make sure she saved her info correctly, sess that “gee’s” full name was “gretchen”, and debates whether or not he was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally prepared to continue his life with a woman named “gretchen” in his address book.

12:20: sadly, the champ deletes the number.

ok, vsb…you’ve just read mine. now i want to hear yours. whats the shallowest, strangest, and most shamefully superficial reason you’ve ever had for dismissing a potential mate? we all got em, so no holier-than thouedness allowed today.

¹i’m at least 97 percent sure that i will regret admitting this publicly.
²the young champ was a strange drunk
³i realize that, with this description, i could have easily just said “she resembles pam from total“, but i wanted to find a way to incorporate nia long into vsb someday. congrats to me

—the champ

The Mirror. Pt. II

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You know, it pains me greatly that I’m only able to read the comments on here and not respond to them while I’m at work. Clearly, I’m not paying my IT guy enough.

Ahem.

If I ruffled some feathers yesterday…good. I’m okay with that. Gem of the Ocean got it right, if everybody always responded in the affirmative of our posts, VSB would be a very boring place to be. When I chose the women that I picked, I did expect that it would piss some people off. I saw the color thing right away, and even did that semi-on purpose.

I will say that I’m a bit surprised at how personally some people took it though. And for those individuals who feel the need to take shots at me, that’s fine, I can take it just as well as I can dish it. Telling me that my post is stupid or that I need to grow up or that my very smart brotha status is negated…lol. I’d love to say that it hurts my feelings, or that I’ve seen the error of my ways but I haven’t. This blog isn’t supposed to make everybody feel better about themselves or God forbid should I be responsible for the esteem issues of Black woman (or Black people) in America. The Champ and I write this blog b/c we like to have fun with our opinions. Sometimes it pisses people off and that’s okay. Occasionally we shed light on bigger issues and start a positive discourse about a segment of the community that needs addressing. Sometimes we just get ignant. It’s our party and we’ll cry if we want to.

Being as its our party, I’d like to say that I’m open to all comments, even below the belt ones, as long as they are about and directed towards me.  There’s no reason for anybody to drag anybody’s family into ANY discussion, disrespectfully.  For the most part, we try to act like a big ass dysfunctional family around here, but still, there are certain lines you just don’t cross.  Those that chose to cross those lines – both maliciously and intentionally – will be dealt with accordingly.  In this instance, constant disrespectful comments aimed at my daughter aren’t gonna fly.  If you’re the type of person who thinks those types of comments are okay, then you can go one yourself (and thanks to those who voiced their disdain when I couldn’t).  If you have an issue with what I say, take it up with me.  Now, if you want to respectfully refer to my daughter (or anybody else’s family for that matter) it’s one thing, but blatant disrespect for disrespect’s sake?  C’mon now, that’s unnecessary and heavily frowned upon.

Heavily.

With that said, Jack Ryan, you ask some legitimate, valid questions.  In fact, a lot of people did and maybe at some point, I’ll address them. Maybe.

A lot of people have stated, very respectfully, that they disagree with my rankings and what I’m saying and have listed good reasons. I respect that, that’s fine. We’re all entitled to our opinions. It is my list and truly, if I were to do this list 20 times, it would include 20 different sets of people. But honestly, what does MY list have to do with your opinion? Hell, you want to know why I’m even ranking women?

Because I can.

Simple as that.

You can disagree with it if you want. Clearly some people do. I’m okay with that. But respect my right to do so. And remember. We ALL RANK PEOPLE. Some people use numbers. Some of you women have done exactly what the Champ said. Some cat has approached you and you’ve wondered why he had the audacity to do so considering how good you look and how ungood he looked. It’s happened to everybody. How that translated into my being a 3 acting like an 8 is beyond me…which is funny on so many levels since folks are complaining about lists and rankings then trying to attribute one to me…EXCEPT clearly bitter as the f*ck , going out of their way to make me seem like a hermit crab who needs Jesus and some Duke in order to be considered a possible contender for even a woman that would rate as a 4.

LOL. You’ve GOT to be shitting me.

And for the record, my head is not big. My hat size proves that. I wear a size 7 – when I have hair. I have some hats that are 6 7/8. Get off my log.

Gem of the Ocean states:

“though i will say that i (personally) don’t buy the whole argument that PJ is very “tongue-in-cheek” with his rhetoric and that EVERYBODY should just know when he’s trying to be funny. becuz the truth of the matter is (a) not everybody who reads this site has been following for a long time and (b) a history of posts written for entertainment value only (with little seriousness) doesn’t necessarily have baring on the current situation. furthermore, just becuz it was MEANT to be taken jokingly doesn’t mean it WILL BE. esp if it has struck so many nerves more than tickled funny bones.

i hope the VSBs are very aware of this, and if they are the VSBs we assume them to be, they own it and recognize the repercussions and backlash this post has garnered. lessons may have been learned from the discourse sparked here today… and the world, indeed, will continue to rotate on its axis.”

Though everybody doesn’t know when I’m being funny or hasn’t been here since the beginning, you have some responsibility to know what the f*ck you’re reading. This post was written very tongue-in-cheek and intended to be assholish. I succeeded. If something I wrote struck such a nerve with so many people, then good. Maybe this stuff is bigger than my post because truly, things that have been said in the comments of so many posts are WAY worse than what I’ve written here. Yet, all of a sudden I’m a villain who’s not very smart. Come the f*ck on. (By the way, this isn’t directed at you Gem, I just found your comment to be one of the most telling and gets closest to the point of folks frustration, so thank you, overall I think you made some very good points).

I’m kind of on the fence about lessons learned. Do I a) try to be more compassionate in what I write and attempt not to ruffle feathers? Or b) keep on doing what I’ve been doing and just take the licks that come with it. Honestly, I think most folks were up in arms b/c I assigned certain celebrities to rankings and that forced a lot of people to look and say, “he thinks Sanaa is a 7? Who the f*ck does he think he is? He’s clearly a delusional mudduck who needs to be put in his place. If he thinks Sanaa is a 7 he’d probably have the audacity to say that I’m a 2. This bastard must think he’s important. He’s not. Panama, you f*cking suck.” I feel like a lot of mental convos went that way.

And that’s fair, except if you’re secure in your own sh*t, you’d realize that this post is about as serious as any number of other posts that I’ve written of equal questionability. That sentence reads weird, but I think you get my point.

A hit dog will holler.

Problem is, I wasn’t even really throwing rocks. Some of you jumped under the damn rocks. Which is slightly amazing, slightly impressive, and all kinds of problematic.

Anyway, I still love you all no matter what you think of me or how smart I am (or aren’t). And I’ll be a 4, or a 3. I’m okay with that. I’m still sexxy and I still get to be Panama Jackson.

My life is good.

And in the event that you REALLY have a bone to pick with me, since I can’t access the site from work right now, feel free to email me at contact@verysmartbrothas.com.  I’ll respond.

On a side note, I’d be interested to see (since I’m so damn colorstruck, typical, and counter-revolutionary <– that one actually made me smile a little) what rankings you all would make for women, IF YOU HAD TOO. Since I only have lightskint chicks (though to my knowledge Gabby Union ain’t lightskint, but I suppose I could be wrong), who would YOU put at the top? Michelle Obama? Oprah? India. Arie??? And you can’t run with that Lauryn Hill stuff now, b/c now she looks like a hot ass mess. Y’all want the darkskinned women at the top, put them there. Show me where I MESSED up. I’m disrespecting my darker skinned sisters in favor of the Alicia Keys of the world, well, fix it.

Let’s make a list people.

But remember, be prepared for that very same backlash you threw at me if you decide to put Grace Jones at the top b/c she’s dark and lovely as opposed to actually pretty. And people, I don’t give a F*CK about their personality. I’m a man. How does she look?

Monk, you may have gotten your wish.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka THE BAD GUY aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

things i’ve learned

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“you’re always a student”

this statement, along with “never go down the up stairscase” and “eat bacon like noone is watching you” has always been one of my personal edicts. with this in mind, i’ve decided to celebrate verysmartbrothas.com 200th entry (damn!) by sharing a few of the relationship-related things ive learned in the past several years.

1. np (new p****) is overrated. seriously. the only thing that can potentially make np better is the concept of np and the realization that you’re actually getting some np. the np itself, though, usually pales in comparison to fp (familiar p****).

2. sh*t is better now, in every context imaginable. f*ck nostalgia.

3. women with their own names displayed anywhere on their bodies, whether its on a necklace or a tat or whatever, tend to be irrationally insecure and high-maintenance assholes.

4. men with their own names displayed anywhere on their bodies, whether its on a necklace or a tat or whatever, tend to be irrationally insecure and high-maintenance assholes.

and gay.

5. nice eyeglasses make women more attractive, potentially increasing their scores by at least a point and a half, and i have absolutely no idea why.

6. sunglasses have the opposite effect. in fact, i always feel that women rocking “stunna shades” are more likely to give random brains in bar bathrooms.

7. tasteful weave isn’t the worst thing in the world. just don’t be going from sinead…

sinead_o_connor

…to sade

sade

overnight and sh*t, and you’re good

8.  the two best places/times to pick up women?

a) while shopping (anywhere, except whole foods)

b) while waiting in line (for anything)

the two worst?

a) the zoo

b) whole foods

9.  what a woman likes and why she likes it is just as (if not more) important than what she’s like. basically, her fav book list holds much more resonance than her resume.

10. black men with tribal art tattoos tend to be cornballs…with no exceptions. theyre also more likely to dress like p* rn stars.

jack_napier

black women with tribal art tattoos tend to act like porn stars, unless, of course, they’re related to me.

11. the reason why most adult virgins are undateable has nothing to do with their virginity and everything to do with them letting their virginity completely define them. having a hymen doesn’t make you a freakin martyr.

12. a woman consistently laughing while you’re not even trying to be funny, or consistently not laughing while you’re trying to be funny means that she’s either completely unnerved (and turned on) by you or completely unattracted to you. theres no inbetween. sadly, i still haven’t been able to differentiate which from which. i guess i still have a bit more to learn.

so, people of vsb.com, share in the magnanimousness and sh*t.

what relationship-related things have you learned?

—the champ

link of the week: mixed signals

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we all know the scene.

a scantily clad charlie baltimore doppleganger, in a huddle with other scantily clad and pseudo attractive phillies, sips on an 38 dollar community mojito at a nightclub while her and her girls continue to glare at every man in the club like they were beanie segel and the guys were bars of soap. while she accidentally makes eye contact with some soon to be extremely unfortunate chap, one of her blue tinted contacts shifts in her eye, causing her to blink. the chap interprets this as a come-hitherly wink, and approaches the crew of vultures, thoroughly unprepared for fury about to be unleashed because he had the audacity to approach them.

basically, eagle meets goat

although most of us would either fault him for not paying attention to the body language and general disposition of the horrific crew before he approached, or her for just being a prick, according to university of texas professors martie g. haselton, ph.d., and david m. buss, ph.d,…its nature and sh*t.

according to their study (paraphrasing),

“…men tend to overestimate women’s sexual interest, while women underestimated men’s willingness to commit. but, interestingly enough, both men and women were more accurate in rating women’s commitment levels…

…so why do men and women misjudge only certain cross-sex signals? they’re adaptive biases, say the researchers. according to the theory of natural selection—in which only the fittest survive—males who falsely inferred a woman’s sexual interest stood to gain descendants, and lost little if the woman was a suitable mate. “for ancestral men, it was more costly to miss a reproductive opportunity than to face rejection“, haselton explains. but females who were abandoned after consenting to sex suffered far greater consequences: pregnancy, reduction in mate value and having to raise a child alone. “for women, it was more costly to be deceived by men, so selection favored skeptical women,” he says, “leading to their continued skepticism about men’s willingness to commit.“

in a nutshell: guys appear to indiscriminately holler because the idea of rejection pales in comparison to the prospect of potentially passing up some new p, and women are hardwired to be teasing assh*les.

yup. sounds about right.

—the champ