The Last Thing You’ll Ever Need To Read About Women, Assholes, And Nice Guys

So…

1. Study after study after study after study after study has shown that if given the choice between dating/mating/fighting crime with an “jerk/asshole” or a “nice guy,” (most) women are more likely to be attracted to the “jerk/asshole.”

2. When asked about this, (most) women—while acknowledging that some women do in fact prefer jerk/assholes—say that those studies are false or misleading or agenda-driven or devised by some type of sham science.

Now, I’m not bringing this up to start another “Do (most) women really prefer assholes?” debate. We’ve had that conversation enough times. Instead, I’m more interested in why there’s such a disconnect between these studies and what (most) women will say when prompted.

So far, I’ve thought of four possible reasons

1. The studies are in fact misleading and agenda driven. You could devise a study and create stats to back up any half-assed theory you can think of, and the women/asshole studies are just another example of that.

2. There’s a disconnect between how (many) women want to be perceived, and how they actually are.

3. If this “truth” is admitted, more men will actively attempt to be assholes to be attractive to women. Women do not want this to happen.

4. There’s really no clear definition on how “asshole/jerk” is defined in a dating and relationship context. When you add the fact that it’s possible for a man to be an ass everywhere except with his mate, it makes things even more ambiguous.

Anyway, those are my theories. What are yours?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) 

The Six Biggest Assholes You’ll Ever Meet

As I’m typing this, my cat is laying in my kitchen, staring at the refrigerator, thinking dumb-ass cat thoughts. He’s been doing this for 20 minutes now, and it’s taking everything in me not to sneak behind him, run the faucet in my sink, splash water on him, and watch him jump up and run underneath one of my couches.

I’m not going to do this because, well, it would be cruel. Funny, but cruel. But, I’m consistently tempted to do things like this to get his ass back for all the shady shit he pulls on a regular basis. For instance, he woke me up this morning by jumping from the floor to maybe an inch away from my face, and the first thing I saw when opening my eyes was his creepy ass staring at me. He kept meowing, so I rubbed his stomach, and he purred until realizing that he didn’t want his stomach rubbed anymore. How do I know he changed his mind? He bit me. (Well, he attempted to bite me and I moved out the way)

At this point, I figure going back to sleep was a lost cause, so I got up and walked to the bathroom. When I get back to my bedroom, this n*gga is laying across my sheets, knocked the f*ck out. He basically punked me out of my own bed.

Also, he took a shit two inches away from his litter box a couple days ago, and I’m pretty certain that if he was a little bigger and a little smarter, he would have killed me in my sleep already. I don’t know how I know this, but he just always has a look in his eyes that says “If I was a little bigger and a little smarter, I’d probably kill you in your sleep.”

Thing is, compared to other cats, he’s actually a nice cat. He doesn’t hiss at people, he rarely bites and, although he does scratch random shit, he doesnt seem to scratch shit I actually care about. (Like, you know, my eyeballs or something) He’s definitely making progress, too. He doesn’t even jump on the keyboard when I’m trying to type anymore.

But, as Teddy the Cat helps prove…

…cats are just natural assholes, and there’s really nothing they can do about it.

Now, while cats are definitely the biggest assholes we’ll probably ever encounter, there are a few more populations who can be just as consistently douchey, including…

13 to 15 year old little girls

I have to admit. When I first heard about R. Kelly’s obsession with girls who were just a bit too old to be Just For Me models, I didn’t believe it. Not because I held the R-uh in any type of esteem, but I just couldn’t imagine anyone willingly choosing to spend any free time with them. Why? Well, it’s probably because there is no other human demographic that produces more evil assholes per capita, and no one likes 13 to 15 year old girls. Teachers don’t (trust me). Mother nature doesn’t. 13 to 15 year old boys don’t. (They’re attracted to them and scared of them, but they don’t actually like them) Shit, 13 to 15 year old girls don’t even like other 13 to 15 year old girls.

Now, I know it’s not really their fault. Mother Nature does a number on them at that age, and while 13 to 15 year old boys just end up being witless, germ-ridden, half-human collections of drool, their female counterparts get the short end of nature’s stick, and they take it out on all of us.

I’m sure some women reading this are going to think to themselves “What the hell is Champ talking about? I wasn’t that bad when I was that age. What type of ratchet teenage girls do they grow in Pittsburgh?” If you are one of these women, I want you to call your mom after reading this and ask her if she actually liked you — not “loved,” but “liked” — when you were 13.

I bet the conversation goes something like this.

Woman: “Hey mom. I just read this blog where this guy said that all 13 to 15 year old girls are assholes, and that nobody likes them. You always liked me, right?”

Mom: “Baby, you know I’ve always loved you. You’re my sweetheart, my baby. I’d do anything for you.”

Woman: “You didn’t answer my question.”

Mom: “……….”

Woman:“Mom!”

Mom: “Well, baby. Ok, so there might have been a couple years in your early teens when I kind of, sort of, wanted you to get kidnapped for a couple months or so. You eventually grew out of it, though, and became a tolerable person, so I stopped fantasizing about you getting kidnapped. Plus, I knew they were dumb fantasizes anyway. The kidnappers would have given you back after like four hours. Shit, they might have even given us a ransom to take you back. You’re still my baby, though.”

Atheists, Vegans, and Liberals

Put in the same group because they’re assholes for the same reason: They assume their politics and “informed” reasons for their lifestyles gives them carte blanche to be douchy (and surprisingly intolerant) sacks of patchouli-scented shit.

Asian men who spent most of there lives in Asian countries and happen to be in Pittsburgh for grad school and also happen to frequent coffee shops on the eastern side of Pittsburgh

I know this is a very, very, very, very, very specific demographic. I also know that saying this is kinda, sorta racist. But, one of the few Black male privileges we have is that we get to be a little racist sometimes, and I’m going to use this privilege to talk about the space issues consistently exhibited by Asian men who spent most of there lives in Asian countries and happen to be in Pittsburgh for grad school and also happen to frequent coffee shops on the eastern side of Pittsburgh.

To be quite honest, I don’t even really mind when I’m sitting at a table and I get hit in the head with a backpack by one who’s walking far too close to my damn table. I don’t even mind it when he doesn’t say excuse me or even bother to look back. I do mind it, though, when I’m in the parking lot, walking back to my car, and I see that it’s been sandwiched and the only way I can get in my whip is to jump in through the driver’s side window like I’m of one the Dukes of f*cking Hazzard.

When this happens, how do I know who did it? Well, the cars are always four door f*cking Suzukis, and the only people who drive gotdamn f*cking four door Suzukis are Asian men who spent most of there lives in Asian countries and happen to be in Pittsburgh for grad school and also happen to frequent coffee shops on the eastern side of Pittsburgh.

Anyway, people of VSB. Did I forget anyone? Can you think of any other demographic — Black men from Seattle, club bouncers, chicks who went to HBCUs that start with the letter “H,” whatever — that consistently produces assholes?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

***Check out our Very Smart Single of the Week, “Double A”***

Oh, And About Assholes And The Women Who Love Them…

It happens at least once a season. Someone on a few high profile blogs or websites will state their particular take about the whole “women are attracted to assholes” thing, and, as was seen last week at Jezebel, The National Review, Male Fide, and Chateau Heartiste, each of the (combined) thousands of responses these articles will generate will fit into one of eight categories.

1. Women using anecdotal evidence to deny that women are attracted to assholes. 

2. Women saying that it is true…for young women and stupid women. Mature women don’t  fall for the same tricks

3. Women saying “It’s not that we like assholes, it’s just that “nice” guys are usually assholes in disguise. So, why not just deal with the real thing?”

4. Women reluctantly agreeing with the theory that asshole men are generally more attractive to women, and cursing God for giving them such predictable vaginas

5. Women happily agreeing that it’s true that women are into jerks. 

6. Men using anecdotal evidence to state that assholes don’t win. (i.e. “I’m a nice guy, and I stay swimming in ass, yo.“)

7. Men stating that assholes do win, and also saying that any woman (or man) who doesn’t agree is being dishonest.

8. Men stating that assholes win, and using this info as proof that women are generally f*cked up people, and also using it as an excuse for why their lame ass hasn’t gotten any p*ssy since Big P*ssy was still alive on “The Sopranos”

Where do I stand in all of this? While I don’t think that women are inherently attracted to assholes per se, I do believe that many of the characteristics that turn women’s panties into Niagara Falls happen to be possessed in abundance by men who happen to be assholes.

I do not think this is a coincidence, though. Men (and women) who happen to be at the top of the food chain are given more asshole-leeway. A 10 can get away with more sh*t than a 7 can. Also, since they’re used to people treating them like they’re the sh*t, they possess less incentive not to be assholes.

It’s funny, though. A part of me wants to believe that not being as asshole is the way to go, but both anecdotal and observational evidence doesn’t agree with that. Even from my own personal experience, I’ve found that being me, but an aloof, distant, apathetic, and (somewhat) mysterious me does actually work better than being an open and, dare I say it, “nice” me.

Anyway, that’s enough from me today. People of VSB.com, how exactly do you feel about the theory that women are generally attracted to assholes? Also, which one of the eight are you?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

gretchen

***before we get started today, i wanted to give a shout-out to the homie luvvie for spearheading the red pump project this week. all snark aside, that was some really good sh*t. ***

***flash back to the spring of 2003***

11:15: after some intense pre-gaming and skank ducking at arts, the champ and his crew of inebriated assh*les head to whiskey dicks, a fairly popular friday night spot in the burgh

11:30: just to confirm that they are in fact, inebriated assh*les, the champ and his crew of inebriated assh*les begin a three-man freestyle cypher while waiting in line, with each of us trying our hardest to find the most cleverly nasty way to incorporate “whiskey dicks” and “whiskey chicks” in a verse while simultaneously invoking disgust, amusement, appreciation, and intrigue from the women also in line. this tactic always works on wamo nights.

also, because we were listening to “diplomatic immunity” on the ride there, we each rhyme with a cadence eerily similar to juelz santana¹

11:47: the champ orders his customary two jack and cokes and does a solo walk through of the club, “taking attendance” because the champ doesn’t like surprises. the champ also doesn’t like guacamole, or racially ambiguous women. i’m not exactly sure how relevant any of this is, but i just thought i should share.

11:55: after the walk through, he orders two more jack and cokes, and chills at the bar. while doing this, the champ creates a scenario in his head where he’s the silent majority owner of the club, and then proceeds to lean back in his stool, slipping his jacks and watching the action with a detached air of subtle and self-righteous aristocratic bemusement. he stays in character for at least seven minutes².

12:01: the champ makes eye contact with chick who could easily pass for a lighter, hooder, version of nia long³. he approaches her. they introduce themselves (her name was “gee”).

they talk.

12:05: they talk some more.

12:10: they dance.

12:15: the champ takes the short break between songs as an opportunity to get gee’s number. the champ enjoys getting women’s numbers in the middle of packed dance floors, because it give him the opportunity to show everyone that he has a sidekick.

12:16: because of the noise level, the champ can’t really understand what she’s saying, so he hands her the phone to put her name and digits in herself. when finished, she hands the phone back to the champ, gives him a very nice hug, and goes back to chill with her girls.

12:18: before going to search for the rest of his crew of extremely inebriated assh*les, the champ glances in the phone to make sure she saved her info correctly, sess that “gee’s” full name was “gretchen”, and debates whether or not he was mentally, spiritually, and emotionally prepared to continue his life with a woman named “gretchen” in his address book.

12:20: sadly, the champ deletes the number.

ok, vsb…you’ve just read mine. now i want to hear yours. whats the shallowest, strangest, and most shamefully superficial reason you’ve ever had for dismissing a potential mate? we all got em, so no holier-than thouedness allowed today.

¹i’m at least 97 percent sure that i will regret admitting this publicly.
²the young champ was a strange drunk
³i realize that, with this description, i could have easily just said “she resembles pam from total“, but i wanted to find a way to incorporate nia long into vsb someday. congrats to me

—the champ

The Mirror. Pt. II

You know, it pains me greatly that I’m only able to read the comments on here and not respond to them while I’m at work. Clearly, I’m not paying my IT guy enough.

Ahem.

If I ruffled some feathers yesterday…good. I’m okay with that. Gem of the Ocean got it right, if everybody always responded in the affirmative of our posts, VSB would be a very boring place to be. When I chose the women that I picked, I did expect that it would piss some people off. I saw the color thing right away, and even did that semi-on purpose.

I will say that I’m a bit surprised at how personally some people took it though. And for those individuals who feel the need to take shots at me, that’s fine, I can take it just as well as I can dish it. Telling me that my post is stupid or that I need to grow up or that my very smart brotha status is negated…lol. I’d love to say that it hurts my feelings, or that I’ve seen the error of my ways but I haven’t. This blog isn’t supposed to make everybody feel better about themselves or God forbid should I be responsible for the esteem issues of Black woman (or Black people) in America. The Champ and I write this blog b/c we like to have fun with our opinions. Sometimes it pisses people off and that’s okay. Occasionally we shed light on bigger issues and start a positive discourse about a segment of the community that needs addressing. Sometimes we just get ignant. It’s our party and we’ll cry if we want to.

Being as its our party, I’d like to say that I’m open to all comments, even below the belt ones, as long as they are about and directed towards me.  There’s no reason for anybody to drag anybody’s family into ANY discussion, disrespectfully.  For the most part, we try to act like a big ass dysfunctional family around here, but still, there are certain lines you just don’t cross.  Those that chose to cross those lines – both maliciously and intentionally – will be dealt with accordingly.  In this instance, constant disrespectful comments aimed at my daughter aren’t gonna fly.  If you’re the type of person who thinks those types of comments are okay, then you can go one yourself (and thanks to those who voiced their disdain when I couldn’t).  If you have an issue with what I say, take it up with me.  Now, if you want to respectfully refer to my daughter (or anybody else’s family for that matter) it’s one thing, but blatant disrespect for disrespect’s sake?  C’mon now, that’s unnecessary and heavily frowned upon.

Heavily.

With that said, Jack Ryan, you ask some legitimate, valid questions.  In fact, a lot of people did and maybe at some point, I’ll address them. Maybe.

A lot of people have stated, very respectfully, that they disagree with my rankings and what I’m saying and have listed good reasons. I respect that, that’s fine. We’re all entitled to our opinions. It is my list and truly, if I were to do this list 20 times, it would include 20 different sets of people. But honestly, what does MY list have to do with your opinion? Hell, you want to know why I’m even ranking women?

Because I can.

Simple as that.

You can disagree with it if you want. Clearly some people do. I’m okay with that. But respect my right to do so. And remember. We ALL RANK PEOPLE. Some people use numbers. Some of you women have done exactly what the Champ said. Some cat has approached you and you’ve wondered why he had the audacity to do so considering how good you look and how ungood he looked. It’s happened to everybody. How that translated into my being a 3 acting like an 8 is beyond me…which is funny on so many levels since folks are complaining about lists and rankings then trying to attribute one to me…EXCEPT clearly bitter as the f*ck , going out of their way to make me seem like a hermit crab who needs Jesus and some Duke in order to be considered a possible contender for even a woman that would rate as a 4.

LOL. You’ve GOT to be shitting me.

And for the record, my head is not big. My hat size proves that. I wear a size 7 – when I have hair. I have some hats that are 6 7/8. Get off my log.

Gem of the Ocean states:

“though i will say that i (personally) don’t buy the whole argument that PJ is very “tongue-in-cheek” with his rhetoric and that EVERYBODY should just know when he’s trying to be funny. becuz the truth of the matter is (a) not everybody who reads this site has been following for a long time and (b) a history of posts written for entertainment value only (with little seriousness) doesn’t necessarily have baring on the current situation. furthermore, just becuz it was MEANT to be taken jokingly doesn’t mean it WILL BE. esp if it has struck so many nerves more than tickled funny bones.

i hope the VSBs are very aware of this, and if they are the VSBs we assume them to be, they own it and recognize the repercussions and backlash this post has garnered. lessons may have been learned from the discourse sparked here today… and the world, indeed, will continue to rotate on its axis.”

Though everybody doesn’t know when I’m being funny or hasn’t been here since the beginning, you have some responsibility to know what the f*ck you’re reading. This post was written very tongue-in-cheek and intended to be assholish. I succeeded. If something I wrote struck such a nerve with so many people, then good. Maybe this stuff is bigger than my post because truly, things that have been said in the comments of so many posts are WAY worse than what I’ve written here. Yet, all of a sudden I’m a villain who’s not very smart. Come the f*ck on. (By the way, this isn’t directed at you Gem, I just found your comment to be one of the most telling and gets closest to the point of folks frustration, so thank you, overall I think you made some very good points).

I’m kind of on the fence about lessons learned. Do I a) try to be more compassionate in what I write and attempt not to ruffle feathers? Or b) keep on doing what I’ve been doing and just take the licks that come with it. Honestly, I think most folks were up in arms b/c I assigned certain celebrities to rankings and that forced a lot of people to look and say, “he thinks Sanaa is a 7? Who the f*ck does he think he is? He’s clearly a delusional mudduck who needs to be put in his place. If he thinks Sanaa is a 7 he’d probably have the audacity to say that I’m a 2. This bastard must think he’s important. He’s not. Panama, you f*cking suck.” I feel like a lot of mental convos went that way.

And that’s fair, except if you’re secure in your own sh*t, you’d realize that this post is about as serious as any number of other posts that I’ve written of equal questionability. That sentence reads weird, but I think you get my point.

A hit dog will holler.

Problem is, I wasn’t even really throwing rocks. Some of you jumped under the damn rocks. Which is slightly amazing, slightly impressive, and all kinds of problematic.

Anyway, I still love you all no matter what you think of me or how smart I am (or aren’t). And I’ll be a 4, or a 3. I’m okay with that. I’m still sexxy and I still get to be Panama Jackson.

My life is good.

And in the event that you REALLY have a bone to pick with me, since I can’t access the site from work right now, feel free to email me at contact@verysmartbrothas.com.  I’ll respond.

On a side note, I’d be interested to see (since I’m so damn colorstruck, typical, and counter-revolutionary <– that one actually made me smile a little) what rankings you all would make for women, IF YOU HAD TOO. Since I only have lightskint chicks (though to my knowledge Gabby Union ain’t lightskint, but I suppose I could be wrong), who would YOU put at the top? Michelle Obama? Oprah? India. Arie??? And you can’t run with that Lauryn Hill stuff now, b/c now she looks like a hot ass mess. Y’all want the darkskinned women at the top, put them there. Show me where I MESSED up. I’m disrespecting my darker skinned sisters in favor of the Alicia Keys of the world, well, fix it.

Let’s make a list people.

But remember, be prepared for that very same backlash you threw at me if you decide to put Grace Jones at the top b/c she’s dark and lovely as opposed to actually pretty. And people, I don’t give a F*CK about their personality. I’m a man. How does she look?

Monk, you may have gotten your wish.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka THE BAD GUY aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3