Signs That Guys Look For To Know That A Woman Is Interested

start-dating-signs-compatible-ugly-flirting-ecards-someecardsWhen it comes to approaching women there are three types of guys.

1. The guy who will never approach a woman and will likely only ever meet a woman at an Everest College Alumni Mixer or Home Depot After Dark Game Night where the convos are controlled and he’s got a better than 75 percent chance of you at least saying something back to his, “hey…so what brings you here?” He is also most likely to marry the sh*t out of the woman that he eventually dates because he is NOT going through the agony of meeting anybody else. That sh*t is for the angry birds.

2. The guy who will approach your mother in front of you. He is likely the guy most women don’t want because well, he’s going to holler until he succeeds. Basically, its not you he’s after, well not “you”. He sees, he wants, he attempts. These guys are can eventually get hemmed up into a relationship, but its on his terms solely.

3. The guy who is waiting for as many signs as possible that he should ask for the number. Unless he sees a woman he just can’t NOT holler at because he is so taken aback. Think Jason from Jason’s Lyric. True story: I actually ran the lines from that movie about wanting to see a woman again (“If you go to church, I want to be in the back pew…”); that sh*t worked. It helped that I meant it. Anyway, I think most guys fall into this third camp.

Let’s talk about this last group. Why? I’ll tell you why. Recently I had a conversation with some friends of mine about why I never hollered at a woman I had an interest in. Me, Panama Jackson, was waiting to get my Ace of Base on. But I never saw the sign. Now, their argument to me was that, dude, she speaks to you, she’s not outwardly rebuffing your convo…go in for it.

Now, as stupid as this sounds, I will own the fact that this particular woman had me shook. I don’t know why or how it happened, but I was not about to stick a quarter in my a** in this situation. I feel like half of everybody will get that reference and the other half is SO confused right now.

But this got me to thinking of signs that most guys actually look for to know that women are interested. Not that batting eyes sh*t. But actual signs. Now before I list some, this does not absolve guys from not hollering at women. If you are interested, it is imperative that as a dude you leap out there on faith and take a chance. Women seem to know how hard it is to holler at women even though they feel like you should get over it. At the end of the day, it has to happen in order to preserve the species right? The Internet has become a great equalizer in all of this because you can reach out to damn near anybody via social networking and as long as she knows who you are and you have a few friends in common there’s a chance she won’t yell STALKER from jump. But that’s neither here nor there.

So here are what we’re looking for.

1. Smile

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. Women hate it when men tell you to smile. So I’m not telling you to smile. In fact, get your sourpuss on, sista. Look like you eat trees to your hearts content. I’m just telling you that from where I’m sitting, if I see you and you see me and you don’t smile in my general direction like EVER, there is no way in Hell I’m going to test those waters out. If you smile at me, you’ve upped the likelihood I’m coming your way by at least 63 percent. Granted, I get why women ain’t smiling all day. Hell I’m not. And you don’t want to invite in Jerome from Martin. It’s a tricky dance. Ladies, I get it. I’ve seen some TERRIBLE situations occur. Hey, we’re all just trying to make it.

2. Some type of…bait

Sometime ago, via IG, a young lady I was curious about laid out THE perfect bait for me. I flubbed it. Totally flubbed it. In fact, I fumbled so hard that when I told my homegirl about t she punched me in the arm. She was like, dude, how the hell did you mess THAT up?!? I don’t know, dog. I don’t know. Well I know why but still…point is, she put the ball in my court in such a way that all I needed was a layup to win the game. On a 6 foot hoop. And I wish I could tell you what it was…but I can’t. And I know that’s f*cked up.

Oh, I can tell you this one tho! This happened via Twitter: I was on there talking about as a Gemini how much I love Aquarians (we’re supposed to be a great match and what not…its proven true thus far) and a young lady hit me with the: “I’m an Aquarius…wanna test that theory?”

Bait.

Remember these are things we’re looking for…like our optimal situations.

3. Active responses

Have you ever had a conversation with somebody and it just stops. Like the other person doesn’t get the concept of a dialogue? Yeah, those let me know that its a no go (obviously this is when somehow, we’ve started speaking). But, every so often you get somebody who lets you know, that you may continue the convo by the social cues they give you. Here’s how I met a woman one time. I was at a bar eating some food and she saw it and wanted to know what it was. Simple friendly question swag gangsta clique. Well, I told her and made some joke about the food. Well, she immediately fired back with one of her own. We zinged. We then talked for an hour and a half after that.

Those are three things that I can tell you most guys look for when attempting to discern if they should try to exchange info and progress a situation. Granted, as a guy, you do have to take a chance most of the time. You will win some. You will lose some. But you live to try again. But hey, we all (men and women) want as much positive info as possible when determining if we’re going to deal with somebody right? Bong bong.

So fellas, what are other signs you look for? And ladies, what signs do you think you give off that should let a dude know that you’re interested?

-VSB P aka MR. HELLO IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR  aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Panama And The Champ Have A Long Chat About Street Harassment

NYC Street Harassment

Panama: So, street harassment has been getting a lot of traction as of late. There are panels, discussions, shouting matches (which may or may not actually constitute street harassment depending on if the man is louder methinks), Twitter town halls, Twitter shouting matches (“tweet harassment” perhaps?…), etc. Basically, the conversation about men making women feel uncomfortable has reached a critical mass. To wit, the definition according to StopStreetHarassment.org is:  any action or comment between strangers in public places that is disrespectful, unwelcome, threatening and/or harassing and is motivated by gender or sexual orientation. 

In its simplest form, basically men need to stop talking to women unless women say something first. Hmm…if I say “smile sister!” and I’m smiling at the same time, is that harassment? I’m really curious about this. What’s your take on it?

Damon: I took part in a HuffPo live segment about street harassment last week. The producers reached out to me because of a piece I wrote for EBONY (“I Stopped Telling Women to Smile“), and I was the lone male voice with three women—including Tatyana Fazlalizadeh. Because of the show’s format, I didn’t get much of a chance to speak. But, when I did, I offered some background about what prompted me to write the EBONY piece.

That said, I am a bit ambivalent about some of the articles and discussions about this movement. No one—well, no one in their right mind—would deny that random shouts, catcalls, and insults do occur and can make women feel violated and even physically threatened. Also, this type of behavior can escalate.  I’ve heard stories from numerous women about them politely declining a man’s “invitation,” and that “invitation” quickly turning into an insult or even violence.  
 
But, some of this conversation has gone as far as saying that men should never do a “cold approach”—basically, unless a woman has made it clear she’s interested in being approached, he shouldn’t say a word—and I don’t agree with that. I think we (men) can stand to be a bit smarter and more considerate with how we approach women we’re romantically interested in, but we do still have to approach. And, sometimes these approaches may happen while on the bus, or at the gas station, or on the street. 
 

You know, I do think most men understand the difference between considerate approach and harassment, and most women know the difference as well. But, it seems like the tone and tenor of this conversation is being set by people on opposite ends of the spectrum: women who seem to consider all unsolicited male attention to be harassment, and men who say things like “Man, if I can’t give random females compliments on their tiddies, how is the human race gonna survive??? They should be happy I even took the time to notice they asses!”

PanamaI think that you may be right. It probably is mostly the fringe element that’s driving the majority of the conversation, as the Internet is largely responsible for. I mean, if you let the Internet and FOX News tell it, well…don’t let them tell anything. I think men could be a lot smarter and less icky when talking to women on the street. I just don’t know if we’re supposed to stop talking altogether. Like can I say, “hello beautiful”? Or is that like borderline. Perhaps its like backhanded harassment…on the street. And to be fair, I agree. I’m not trying to trivialize the movement. I’ve seen and heard some pretty atrocious things said to women who were doing nothing more than existing. That’s not nice. And the guys who managed to do so clearly were pretty disgusting people. I guess, my curiosity about it is more of, like, would women prefer (I realize I’m asking a man) for nobody to ever say anything? Is positive stuff okay? Hell, I’m afraid that if I say hello to a woman and say she’s beautiful I may get like, hit with the street harassment whistle or something. Wait, is there a street harassment whistle? If not there probably should be one.

Damon: I know women who carry whistles. And mace. And tasers. And tiny dogs that shit in their purses. I also know a woman who showed me how she holds her keys when she’s walking somewhere alone at night so that they form a de facto knife. 

I don’t know any men that carry those types of weapons. (Or purse-shitting dogs.) And, while I’m aware many men carry guns, I don’t know—well, I don’t think I know—any who do. I also don’t feel compelled to go to the bathroom in groups, I don’t think twice about taking my eye off of my drink if I’m sitting at a bar, and I’ve never intentionally made sure to wear more conservative clothes so I got less unprompted attention from the opposite sex when catching the train to work.

I’m bringing this up because we (men) have a tendency to downplay or just completely ignore the fact that while the world is a dangerous place for all of us, it’s even more dangerous for women. It’s almost like how (some) White people will downplay or completely ignore the effect racial profiling can have on us.

Also, we have to be real with ourselves. I seriously doubt any woman you say hello to is going to blow the harassment whistle on you, and I seriously doubt you believe that too. It feels like the internet-based pushback or even ambivalence about this movement from men is based on semantics. We (men who read and shit) know how to act around women, know what harassment is, and aren’t going to have our off-line interactions with women affected by this at all.

I will say one thing though: I don’t think it’s a good idea to ask women how they prefer to be approached. Aside from shit that goes without saying—i.e. “don’t grab my ear,” “don’t have breath that smells like Newark”—if you ask 10 women that question, you’re likely to get 10 different answers.

Plus, no one—women, men, Gucci Mane—knows what they want, anyway. Seriously, sometimes it seems like life is nothing but a quest to learn exactly what you don’t want. And, when you finally do figure out what you want, you die.

Basically, life is like a very eclectic hood strip club.

Panama: Damon, sir. Mr. Champ. I do believe we’ve got some growth there. I sense the empathy and attempt at understanding the other side. I’d shed a tear if I hadn’t already let the song cry. So  yeah, you’re right. Women have to deal with an entirely different set of circumstances than we do. I have a daughter and I’m already scared about what’s possibly happening to her when I’m not around. So I see your point. Ladies….I get it.

On another note, I disagree about asking women how they want to be approached. Hell, that’s the only way to get data and find a middle ground. So what you get 10 different answers; I guarantee that they’ll all be at least “okay” and won’t include the words, “hey redbone, let me bust it wide open” or “how about you do something strange for a little piece of change” or “I got your tuition in my wallet, guh…twerk something”. Or my current favorite that has yet to work…”guh…I know you want this dih!” Not that I’ve actually tried it. Nope. Not even twice.

So for me, I would be curious as to how women would like men to approach them ideally. I feel like we’d get a mix of grand sweeping gestures and scenes from Belly. Really though, it would probably look like Love Jones. Here’s a stick in the mud, Darius Lovehall, the patron saint of Black romance was a real life stalker. Like an actual one. That isn’t street harassment, that’s a felony. But I’ll bet some women would find that charming. So to quote poet laureate and philosopher king, Tyrese, what am I gonna do?

Damon: Yeah, Darius definitely did some arrestable shit in that movie. That nigga just showed up at her door…after getting her address from a receipt…and after being told by her that she wasn’t interested, but he’s the Black patron paragon of coitus procurement??? It has to be the baby hair.

And, the reason why I don’t think asking about approach best practices is useful is that they’re too variable and arbitrary. Lemme put it this way: What Jane says is the best way to approach her (“Just say hi and make me laugh”) might not work when Jack tries it. But, later that night, Jim gets Jane’s number, and all he did was nod in her direction. (It was a “sexy” nod, according to Jane, but just a nod nonetheless.)

Oh, and let the song cry on deez.

‘I Stopped Telling Women to Smile (and You Should, Too)’

I never quite understood it when women—relatives, friends, co-workers, etc—complained about men asking them to smile. “You can’t have it both ways,” I’d argue. “You can’t complain about men not approaching you, but also be annoyed with men suggesting that you should try and look more pleasant.” Plus, what the hell is wrong with smiling? I guess it could be slightly annoying to hear a request like that all of the time, but how effed up do you have to be to be consistently mad at someone asking you to smile? It’s not like these dudes are asking for women to tap dance nude, or even for phone numbers. A smile is a simple, natural, positive act, and I was annoyed with them for being annoyed by the request.

This all changed one day when, well, just let me tell the story.

“On the bright side, I still hate my job.”

This last statement served as a culmination for a ten minute long speech/exhale/rant/stream of consciousness delivered to me during lunch with a friend (“Nicki”). She was having the awfullest out of awful weeks, and instead of biting into the ceaser salad sitting in front of her, she used a third of the precious half hour we had to eat to purge. I couldn’t help but laugh at the last statement—a sign that, despite her bad week, her sense of humor was still intact.

Before I continue, I need to give a bit more background about this friend. We initially met each other through my girlfriend at the time (They were line sisters), and we grew to be friends over the span of that relationship, bonding over the same hate for Kobe Bryant. Since we both worked near downtown, we’d occasionally meet for lunch. Also, Nicki is very good-looking. So good-looking that there was never a time when we were together where men didn’t either give me the subtle head nod of impressededness or try to sneak peeks (or slip numbers) when they thought I wasn’t paying attention.

Why does this matter? Well, she got an emergency call during lunch and had to run out. We said our goodbyes, she walked out, and I could see her through the restaurant’s window, waiting for a bus across the street. I didn’t ask what the call was about, but it obviously upset her even more. As she stood there, her face sullen, her body language anxious, it finally dawned on me.

After hearing Nicki tell me the details of her awful week, watching her take a phone call that somehow made things even worse, and seeing her wait for a bus, clearly upset, it angered me knowing there was a good chance some guy would notice this beautiful woman—depressed for various reasons—and politely (but insistently) demand that she put a smile on her face

Read more at Ebony.com

Why “The Approach” Is The Hardest Thing Any Adult Has To Learn How to Do

Definitely should have won an Emmy

Last Friday, I attended a quite extravagant (well, extravagant compared to what I’m used to) birthday party for my homegirl. Unlimited bottles of Rose. VIP treatment at two nightclubs. Glossy drunk chicks in tiny dresses. Multi-layered birthday cakes made by Arabian virgins (Biting that cake made me feel like I was eating a slice of Heaven. Seriously, that cake is the reason why Al-Qaeda hates America). If you would have added Big Gay Al Reynolds and a gaggle of uncouth to the mix, it could have been a deleted extra from Basketball Wives.

Anyway, towards the middle of this debaucherific night, one of my homegirls (“Tara”) inches up to me and says “Hey, Champ. I think my friend in the black dress is feeling you.

Now, she was obviously talking about Lady Champ, who was chatting it up on a couch nearby with three other ladies. I played along.

Word? She’s hot. Does she have a man?”

“I don’t think so. You should go talk to her.”

Still in character, I glanced over at Lady Champ and her homegirls again.

“Eh. I don’t know. I’ll wait till she’s by herself”

“Why? Just go over and talk to her now?”

“I’m good”

With that, Tara shakes her head in faux disgust and exhales.

“Men are lame.”

“Whatever”

We finally broke character and laughed for a sec before she left to grab another piece of cake.

But, as soon as she walked away, I started to realize that although Tara was joking, her replies weren’t really that far off. I can totally see a woman becoming disappointed that a man didn’t jump at the chance at hollering at one of her single and attractive homegirls, even if said homegirl was surrounded by a vagina barricade.

The more I thought about it, the more it dawned on me that women really have no f*cking clue how difficult it is to approach a woman. None whatsoever.

In fact, I’ll take it even further. Not only is the cold approach difficult, it’s the single most difficult skill that any adult — male or female — is expected to master.

(Don’t come at me with that childbirth is a much more difficult skill bullshit, either. More painful? Sure. But, from what I understand, giving birth isn’t necessarily a skill because the kid is coming out of there regardless of what you do¹. Plus, how difficult can something be if stink bugs do it too?)

Now, to women’s credit, the most likely reason why they don’t realize how difficult it is to approach a woman is that they usually just see the finished product — the actual smooth approach. To make an analogy, it’s like the kid who goes to Grandma’s house and sees Thanksgiving dinner already prepared on the table; not realizing the days of shopping, planning, cooking, and preparing that resulted in the finished product.

They also don’t know that before Grandma The Great Cook was Grandma, she was a 17 year old who wasn’t allowed in the kitchen, a 23 year old whose stuffing was always just a bit too salty, a 28 year old who accidentally made everyone sick one year with an undercooked turkey, and a 31 year old who made the mistake of inviting both Aunt Esther and Aunt Thelma to dinner; forgetting that they haven’t gotten along since they were in high school and would likely fight each other before dessert.

They don’t realize that if I actually were to approach Lady Champ in that situation, there’d be at least 10 completely different questions I’d need to figure the answers to within a 5 to 10 second span, including…

1. What am I going to say to this f*cking stranger?

2. What if she’s crazy??? How do I escape if she’s crazy???

3. How the hell am I going to break through the vagina barricade?

4. Her friend is cute too. Should I talk to her instead?

5. Who all is she with tonight? (This is important because if her girlfriend’s see you attempt to holler at her and get shot down — and trust me, they’ll see you — you probably won’t be able to holler at any of them that night either….even if one happens to be interested. Vagina logic strikes again!)

6. How do I look?

7. F*ck! Did she see me first? (Important because the longer a woman notices you hesitating to approach her, the worse your chances)

8. Do I launch with a joke, a “Hi,” an intentionally silly pick-up line, or do I just go and sit next to her and wait for her to say something?

9. How do I save face if she’s an asshole?

10. Do I need another drink before I step to her?

11. I’m not an aloof asshole, but do I need to pretend to be one to increase my chances of success?

12. I want to grab her titty. I want to grab her titty. I want to grab her titty. I want to grab her titty. Should I grab her titty?

Also — and this is the most important part — while your mind is moving a mile a minute — processing, assessing, reacting — you’re trying your damnedest to maintain your steely, Stringer Bell cool; doing everything you can to not let her see you sweat and ultimately sabotage yourself

This manufactured demeanor, this easiness, this “swagger” is a learned skill; an act (Yes. It’s always an act. Some of us are just much, much better actors than others) that can take decades to master.

It’s no different than watching Kobe nonchalantly hit a pull-up 3 in traffic; an act that was made to look “easy” because of the hundreds of thousands of 3-pointers he’s taken by himself in the gym, and the confidence built by the hundreds of in-game threes he’s already hit.

So ladies, the next time you’re wondering why the cutie at the club hasn’t approached you yet, remember that he probably wants to but just hasn’t figured out the answer to question #116 yet. You wouldn’t hurry him while he’s taking the Bar Exam, right, so why rush him when he’s taking a test that’s much, much, much, much harder?

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m pretty sure how the men feel about this, but do the ladies now agree that the approach is the most difficult task an adult is expected to master? If not, why not? Why do you hate men?

¹I haven’t taken a biology class in 15 years, so take that statement with a grain of salt

—The Champ