along with nba basketball, making perfect portions of cream of wheat, and stealing wireless signals, i’m an expert when it comes to knowing when and where to approach a black woman¹ to achieve maximum bagging efficiency. and, as an expert, it pains me to repeatedly witness men making bagging blunders, approaching sistas at minimally efficient times.

to make sure this doesn’t happen again, here’s five of the worst times to approach a black woman

1. when she’s with two friends in the middle of the dance floor

although the african cheetah usually waits until the sexy-ass gazelles are grouped together at the prairie happy-hour before attempting to approach, bag, murder, and eat them, this hunting method probably won’t work with a black woman. the aforementioned grouping technique is usually their way to confuse men by eye-thwarting potential approaches while simultaneously separating themselves from the larger group and making themselves more attractive

this leaves you with three options:

a) pick the most desirable one, and anonymously order two ultimate mojitos each for her two friends. when the friends make their inevitable bathroom run and leave the desirable one alone at the bar, pounce. while pouncing, make sure to take advantage of the subtle self-esteem sting she felt after witnessing her friends get free drinks, and act accordingly

b) find a group of attractive woman in the club that you’re already cool with, and proceed to dance with them. although you know this is just friendly flirtation, your interaction with other attractive women will make you at least 20% more attractive to the rest of groups of women there, and act accordingly

c) be santonio holmes

2. when 5’7 or shorter

unless, of course, she’s 5’6 or taller. in this case, you probably shouldn’t approach until you grow to at least 6’9′ to be safe

3. while driving this

now, i’m not suggesting that black women are too pretentious to give rhythm to a cat with a clunker. in fact, some might even laud the fact that you were resourceful enough to procure one of the eight remaining taurus stationwagons on the planet. still, while its probably a bad idea to try to bag a black woman while driving anything, its definitely not a good idea to try to holler while whipping something jame gumb would have used to kidnap fat snizzles.

4. when she’s visibly upset

although, admittedly, you can’t beat the comic relief of saying “smile, sis. it aint that bad” to a sista who just saw ‘precious’

5. when you’re with a white woman

although, admittedly, you can’t beat the comic relief of saying “smile, sis. it aint that bad” to a sista who just saw ‘precious’ if you’re holding hands with a white woman

fellas, did i miss anything?

also, ladies, are there any particular times or places when you’re usually loath to be approached?

¹”black” women because my lack of experience with other races of women limits my expertise. for info about when to approach a latina, asian, or white woman, email liz burr.

—the champ