“White Lie Leeway” and More: Things Men Appreciate Much, Much More Than You Think We Do

***Check out “The Charger and The Nerd” — The Champ’s latest at The Good Men Project. It’s worth the read, just so you can tease Champ for eating pheasant.***

"Since no one bothered to compliment my new tie, I'm just going to sit here and keep farting"

After yesterday’s discussion shed light on how much we (men) truly love the rare and elusive unsolicited compliment from a woman, I decided to take it a step further.

Besides the usual (steak, morning blow jobs, porn stars with Flickr accounts, etc), here’s four more things we appreciate much, much more than women think we do.

1. White Lie Leeway

What exactly is white lie leeway? Lemme explain.

Ok, so imagine that it’s nighttime, and you’re laying in bed with your girl. She’s dead asleep. You’re feeling a little restless, though, so you get out of bed, scoot over to the next bedroom, and start messing around on your laptop. You check the local news, ESPN, Twitter, etc, but while you’re on Facebook, the page of an old high school classmate with a striking resemblance to Roxy Reynolds puts the “maybe I’ll go check out my favorite porn message board” bug in your head. You go to BGOL or ASR, one thing leads to another, and now you’re sitting in your computer chair, lube in hand, ready to rub one out.

Yet, despite the fact that you tried to make as little noise as possible, you managed to wake your girlfriend up. (I don’t know how they always manage to do that. Seriously, I think KY serves as a female smelling salt after 1am.) She notices you’re not in bed, gets up, and walks into the spare bedroom. You hear her coming, so you stop tickling your Elmo, but even Ray Charles could see that you were just masturbating.

Of course she asks “What are you doing?”

Now, she knows you were just masturbating. You know she knows you were just masturbating. In fact, she knows you know that she knows that you were just masturbating.

But, although there’s an open bottle of Astroglide on your desk and your left hand is greasier than Shawn Kemp’s face, of course you say “Nothing. Just chillin.”

(Why do we lie in this situation? I have no f*cking clue. I mean, it’s not like we’re doing anything wrong. There’s absolutely no reason to be dishonest. But, I do think “Nothing. Just chillin” rolls off the tongue a bit better than “Fantasizing about an electric razor, a stack of corn, the planet Jupiter, and this (hopefully) 19-year old WorldStarHipHop stripper, that’s all“)

White Lie Leeway” is her ignoring the white lie, saying “Okbabe,” and going back to bed.

Now, I know some women absolutely abhor the white lie. In their minds, a white lie is nothing but a gateway to bigger and better lies; weed to the serious lie’s smack. But, while that might be true with women, with men, a white lie is just a white lie, and we need to keep em in our pockets to keep us sane.

2. Hearing “Thank You”

The context of the thank you doesn’t even matter. It could be sex-related. (“Thank you, babe, for that amazingly eclectic orgasm.“) It could be serious. (“Thank you for saving me from that pack of rapey-looking meth addicts.”) It could be sappy. (“Thank you for being the sweetest boyfriend I’ve ever had.”) It could be sappy and backhanded. (“Thank you for being the sweetest boyfriend I’ve ever had this month.“).

Either way, like the compliment, the thank you is so rarely heard that a man might just start bawling uncontrollably when he hears it, so make sure you thank him in a private place.

3. Space

Now, I know that wanting occasional space from your mate isn’t a gender-specific concept. There’s a reason why y’all spend five to seventeen hours at a time in the hair salon, and it aint got nothing to do with texturizer. What (usually) separates man space from woman space, though, is the fact that we (usually) let you have as much of it as you want. We (usually) don’t take it personally when you decide that you want to hang out with your girls all night, and all we ask is that you extend us the same courtesy.

Also — and I think this is an important point — “space” doesn’t mean “extended separation.” Sometimes it could just be us hanging out undisturbed in our man cave for a few hours while you’re still in the house. Sometimes it could just be a 15 minute drive to the store. Sh*t, sometimes it could just be us being “allowed” to channel-surf during the commercial breaks. We need those mini-vacations to survive, and we need you all to give us enough room to smell our own farts sometimes.

4. You

Yup, despite us needing space, never receiving compliments, never hearing thank you, and lying to your face about our midnight jerk sessions, we (usually) do appreciate you presence and sh*t much more than you (usually) give us credit for. And, we’d appreciate it even more if you closed the door when you go back to bed so we can “play our piano” in peace.

Anyway, men of VSB.com, did I forget anything? Can you think of anything else that we appreciate much, much more than women think we do? How about you, ladies? Is there anything you all appreciate much, much more than we think you do?

Also, I’m sure some of you will disagree, but is white lie leeway really such a bad thing?

—The Champ

Do You Know What Today Is?

It's our Anniversary Bitches

That’s right, folks. Today, March 31, 2010 is our Anniversary. The day that marketh the conclusion of the second year of VSB.com’s birth.

A few words from the VSB Leadership

Panama Jackson: I, Panama Dontavious Jackson, just want to thank you, heavenly father, for shining your light on me. You make me happy, so very ha…waitaminute. Oh. Right. VSB. We just want everybody to know how much we appreciate you all coming thru over the past 2 years. There have been ups and downs. Tears and fears. Sometimes we traded tears for fears but at the end of the day, the fact that I’m a 3 never railroaded me. And since no trains were run during the making of this accomplishment, today was a good day. It is definitely hard to say goodbye to yesterday, but tomorrow will bring, a better you, a better me. To all of you folks who come here everyday and read and comment, or just read, thanks for sleepwalking. We’ve got some bigger and better things on deck and hopefully you all will come along for the ride. We’re going from a 4.0 to a 4.6. And you know the difference between those two. And if you don’t, I’m sure somebody here will tell you. Peace to the Gods, the Earths, and the Seeds. Your friendly neighborhood 3. Thanks for real. For I am nothing, nothing, nothing…if I (we) don’t…haaaaaaaaaaaave yoooooooooooooooou…Word. Life.

The Champ: in the last two years we’ve seen a black president bring back light-skinned black male points, the dumbest thing out of alaska since the last season of “northern exposure”, the births of twitter, facebook lesbians, kanyes shag, and the overuse of the word “vet” as well as the deaths of the king of pop, hip-hop, autotune, gatorade, corey haim, john edwards’ career and kat stacks’ vag1na.

still, all of this pales in comparison to the rise of verysmartbrothas.com, the modern day continuance of riley and springers lonely shanty nights, a deadly culmination of panama jackson, liz burr, liz burr’s boobs, and an eggheaded cat from pittsburgh, and I graciously thank you for allowing us to be the most important thing any of you have ever had in your lives.

Liz: If I went by  our email inbox, half of ya’ll don’t know who I am or that I help keep VSB afloat, but that’s alright. I still love you anyway. Thanks for making these past two years freaking awesome, and for putting up with us PJ and the Champ. It’s been fun working on such a large site with such an awesome community. I have enjoyed seeing the site grow and blossom to some wonderful wonderfullness, and I hope you’ll like the cool stuff we have planned in the near future.

Now, for the BIRTHDAY PRESENTS

Some of you may remember for our Centennial post we gave out (virtual) Commenter Awards. To celebrate our Second Birthday, we wanted to give a special thanks to the 10 most commenting-est commenters on VSB for the last two years. That’s right, we’re GIVING AWAY FREE VSB T-SHIRTS to these special folks. And not just any shirt, we have some new shirts coming down the pipeline (designed by a real designer!), and these Chosen Few will be the first to receive our brand spanking new exclusive design. Without further adieu …*drumroll*

The Top 10 Most Commentingest VSB Commenters of ALL TIME!

  1. miss t-lee
  2. Me fail english?
  3. Cheekie
  4. Luvvie
  5. blackberry molasses
  6. shatani
  7. WuDaMan
  8. pgh muse
  9. Gem of the Ocean
  10. Deviant

These super VSBs and VSSs have comment counts into the several thousands. Impressive. We appreciate their time and dedication to never shutting the f*ck up moving conversation here on VSB and would like for everyone to give them a nice VSB soul clap and throw a lil VSB glitter in the air. (If your name is on this list, we will be e-mailing you shortly about t-shirt options and delivery.)

The Best of VSB

10 Most Viewed Posts

  1. pants on fire: 7 things we (men) like much more than you think we do…even though we’ll never admit it
  2. clutching the pearls: the 4 sexiest scenes in black movie history
  3. can’t trust it: 9 women to avoid at all costs
  4. School Daze: 4 Reasons Why HBCU’s are Better Than Wherever You Went (Unless You Went to an HBCU)
  5. sadie’s suspect: four reasons why women shouldn’t pursue men
  6. love. actually.
  7. That’s What He Said!: 8 Great Quotes From Movies You Love (When The Rainbow Isn’t Enough).
  8. all points bulletin
  9. nevermind: five surefire ways to scare her away
  10. Blackness 101: 10 Things All Black People Should (At Least) Be Aware Of…

10 Most Commented Posts

  1. Hardest.Question.Ever.
  2. better than the alternative
  3. Obamanation
  4. Thursday Amusement: If You Don’t Know Me By Now.
  5. the black pass
  6. link of the week: chelly o and the “angry” black chick conundrum
  7. Judging Books By Their Covers: 13 Nouns I Just Can’t Trust
  8. It’s Our Centennial, B*tches!
  9. things that make you much more randy than they probably should
  10. Muffin.

Time for a group hug

Thanks again for taking the time to visit VSB everyday. This is the part where all the lurkers take the time to de-lurk, and leave their first comment on VSB. Everybody else? You know what to do…

five great ways to charm a man

two weeks ago, p expertly outlined five ways to charm a woman, a list which detailed exactly how to get a woman all brazilianrainforesty down there without even touching her. thing is, women arent the only ones who can be charmed. although it usually doesnt take much more than a nice atwr (ass-to-waist ratio) to get us all verklempt down there, there are a few simple things a woman can do to exponentially increase her long-term relationship stock.

so, without further adieu, here are five quick and simple ways to charm a man

*****note: ladies, the following five are only to be performed with guys who have expressed a real interest in you. do not, i repeat, DO NOT, try any of this with the dude you met at rock the bells last weekend or the married cat you’ve been f*cking. end of note.*****

1. let him “catch” you, ummm, you know.

scenario:

its nighttime, and you’re both chillin at his apartment. since it’s late and his crib is only a 10 minute drive from your job, you’re spending the night. you’ve showered already, and you’re just sitting there, messing around on the internet when he announces that he’s gonna hop in the shower real quick.

now, you already know that you’re gonna get some tonight. shit, you’re planning on it…thats the only reason why your ass is spending the night in his hot ass, no snack sans for granola bars having ass apartment, “closer drive to work” my ass. you also know that the festivities will probably start soon after he gets out the shower and hops into bed.

so what do you do?

start without him.

yup. you read it right. start “poppin the pepsi can” while his ass is still in the shower, so that when he exits the bathroom the first sight he sees is a woman so horny and so thirsty for it that she couldnt even wait for him to finish his 240 second rabbit shower. dont be demure about that sh*t either. pop that can like you’re getting paid for it.

***if my description is too vague, basically act in a way that she…

…would have***

if he’s already digging you, and you do sh*t like that on a semi-regular basis, i’m not saying he’ll propose to you, or even suggest the thought of that to you aloud, but best believe, he’ll damned sure be thinking “yo this chick is a freakin slut. damn. maybe i need to marry her ass”

2. give him compliments, and say “thanks” every once in a while

it may not seem like a big deal, but little stuff like this lets us know that we’re appreciated, and we appreciate knowing that we’re appreciated. you’d be surprised how far a small “thanks for picking me up from work the other day” or a “those new shoes you bought are hot. seriously, i’m impressed” can go.

seriously.

3. wear his clothes

maybe this is just my own personal thing, but it seriously does something to me when a woman uses one of my old t-shirts as her night shirt or spends a lazy saturday lounging around my crib wearing nothing but one of my college sweatshirts. theres nothing better than a night of monkey matrix sex followed by waking up to your chick making eggs and sh*t while she’s rocking one of your summer league basketball shirts from 2002.

4. be funny

ladies, seriously, if a guy is digging you, and you have the ability to send him a six word text at work that makes him laugh uncontrollably for the next 30 minutes, honestly, thats like 27% of what makes a great relationship right there. if you’ve been cursed with the unfunny gene, at least have the ability to get jokes and recognize humor. you know he likes bill simmons, so email him a link to his latest podcast. make your own version of the aristocrat joke, and recite it to him. even if it bombs terribly, he’ll appreciate the effort, and give you unprompted cunninglingus to thank you for it

5. create something

write a poem. draw a picture. make a mixtape. do something that is completely unique to you two and your relationship. you could have bought that cologne for anyone, but that mix you made for him with all the unreleased wu tracks from 93 to 98 is something based on his tastes that you knew he’d personally appreciate, and he’ll definitely let you sleep in the dry spot for the rest of the month because of it.

thats it. five simple things. now go and make the champ proud.

—the champ