Angry Ninja Rhetoric and Best Practices

Take the exact opposite of every characteristic of this man in this picture and you've got an angry ninja. He did marry a white woman though.

If you know Black people that read, then you know an angry ninja. Chances are you’re looking at one right now…assuming you know that you’re looking at a ninja. But if you are, and they are angry, I’d suggest that you stop.

Because they’re angry.

Now, let me be upfront and clear about this. Every Black person has a right to be angry. And hostile. I watched The Rise Of The Planet of The Apes and got upset. That’s not true, but if I was an angry ninja, then it would be. Because angry ninjas are really just extremely loud versions of conspiracy theorists. The main difference is that instead of just stating what the conspiracy is, they also get mad at you while telling you what it is. Somehow everybody is at fault when an angry ninja is present. And there’s ALWAYS something to be mad about. It’s like the reverse Obama with a side of Al Sharpton.

And no, that didn’t make any sense.

You might be asking yourself: are angry ninjas dangerous? Absolutely. They pose a tremendous danger to peace and quiet. And your good time. While they can be tremendously fun, the angry ninja is much like the puma. Sleek and stealthy, and if you aren’t careful, they’ll end up getting their own shoe.

To be more clearer, I’m a fan of angry ninjas. Truth is, they bring that necessary amount of chaos to any and all conversations that keeps the mood interesting and all your Christmases bright. Though I’m not completely sure angry ninjas believe in Christmas. They tend to get mad at how much they have to spend supporting the white man’s businesses.

“You there, in the Huey Newton Goes To Malibu High t-shirt, do you have a question?”

“Yes, what are the signs of an angry ninja?”

“Glad you asked.”

1. They start every convesation with a hesitant but climactically built up…”Yooo…” or a very quick and shart…”Yo!” (no Kappa)

Real talk, that’s how you know you’re about to get an earful about something you didn’t know you were supposed to give a sh*t about. See, starting any convo off with a “Yo” means that something of immense importance is about to follow. Why? Good question. It’s an indicator of something that’s been on the angry ninjas mind. They just haven’t had the chance to explore it with you yet. Be careful, you’re about to get hit with the hee.

2. “F*ck you ni**a, I got passion!”

You ever notice how extra angry folks aren’t really angry…they’re just passionate? You could take the passion of the Christ, thug passion, passion fruit, throw in a side of mango and you STILL wouldn’t have as much “passion” as an angry ninja. They get so emotionally invested in whatever it is that pissed them off (usually something to do with the oppressive power structure…or something they saw in a Disney movie) and how the rest of us don’t care enough (which in a bit of non-irony, tends to make angry ninjas more angry if you blow their tirade off) that you could probably incite one into a felony if you push the right buttons. The interesting part is, a lot, if not most of that anger is misguided…

…in fact….

3. The most oddball beefs

You know, I actually applaud the angry ninjas efforts in racial reconciliation and reparatory comeuppance. If only these jokers didn’t get up in arms about the most non-sensical of sh*t. Like that article a few months ago written by the white chick about Black Twitter. Angry ninjas were LIVID that this white woman would have any say so about what us Blacks were doing on Twitter and how amused she seemed to be by it. Here’s the thing…WE’RE ALL AMUSED BY IT TOO. But she ain’t have the right to say it because she didn’t have proper context because she was white. Fair enough….except…my ni**a…THAT’s the battle you chose to fight? ‘Pac is gone and Brenda’s still throwing babies in the garbage. I’m not really sure what topics always set off angry Black people, but rarely do they have anything to do with something you’ll care about ten minutes later…like the economy.

4. Not angry, opinionated.

Similar to passion and equally ridiculous. This one, (like most of this in truth) is a general person thing. Folks who are mad but who don’t want to be know as being mad hate to be called mad. They’re just passionate, opinionated people. Okay. Alright.

5. Seem to be attracted to the very people they hate the most, in theory

Is it me, but has anybody else noticed how many angry Black people marry white people? Or date them…almost exclusively? Or how about date the most ignant sumamab*tches known to man? The people who incite the most rage are the very ones angry ninjas spend most of their time with. It is an odd little dance. Angry ninjas do the cat daddy.

Again, I love my angry ninjas.

Good people of VSB, what are the other signs of of the angry ninja?

Talk to me.