Who The F**k Is This, Callin’ Me At 546 In The Morning: The Breakup

Girl, I don't want no scrubs either! What's a scrub? Giiiiiirl a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. Mmhmm. I know right. No more waterfalls for him. Creep.

Last week, I woke up to a missed phone call from a homegirl of mine. Now, I wake up at 6am and generally go to sleep around midnight. Which means that this call either came in during booty call hours or “something bad happened” hours.

This particular call came in at 506am. Which is “something bad happened” hours. Except I looked at the name on the caller ID and realized two things:

1. She’s not family or apart of my closest immediate circle of friends so she’s likely not calling me about a tragedy.

2. This isn’t somebody I’ve talked to on the phone in quite some time but still considers me a good friend.

I knew immediately that given who it was, she must have had an issue with her boyfriend and it was bad enough to completely disregard all rules of decorum and cause her to call me at 5 motherf*cking AM. One thing I’ve learned about women over time is that when something happens, you all HAVE to speak on it. To somebody. Somebody HAS to listen to it. It can’t stay in your head or you’ll die. Or at least be mostly dead on some Princess Bride steez. The worst part is, when I called her back, she told me that she waited to call me.

Which means that this ninja had been going through a slow death WAITING to call me to talk to me about what had happened with her and her boyfriend and 5am was the point she couldn’t take it anymore. Interestingly, I’m one of them guys that often gets those phone calls from his boobed friends. I can’t tell you how many early morning phone calls I’ve received from homegirls of mine sobbing through the phone. Odd since it’s not like I’m particularly encouraging at 4, 5, or 6am. In fact, I’m usually trying to figure out the best way to get you OFF the phone since, well, the facts of this case aren’t going to change so discussing this at noon won’t really change much.

Guys don’t do this. It’s not that we won’t call our boys to tell him that we broke up, but we definitely ain’t calling the homey at 5am to tell him. We’ll sleep it off and tell the homeys later. See, our after-breakup decorum is different.

So here are some after breakup methods of men and women:

Men -

1) Go the strip club

I don’t know what it is about seeing T & A after a breakup that makes us feel better…EVEN IF YOU’VE BEEN CHEATING. Men are some odd ducks. I got a homeboy who cheated on his girl so much (we all found out later) that going to a strip club was nothing short of ironic.

2) Go the reg’lur club and spend way more money than we should

Guys are escapist in nature. Something bad happens personally, we go straight for temporary distractions. I’ve worked at the club on nights when we had “Freedom Parties” for dudes who just got single. Except the newly-single dude never looked as happy as his boys seemed. Which means his boys were single and he just lost his woman. Menfolks, believe it or not, do not like losing our women.

3) Try to fall into some new tang

If women ever need proof of how easy it is for men to get some stank, the after-breakup-head-clearing-smang is proof. Either there is a union out there of women whose specific job is to be the rebound smangee or sympathy is the best aphrodisiac EVER.

Notice very few of these have anything to do with talking it out. That happens muuuuuuuuch later in manworld. We’re more destructive obviously.

Women -

1) Call somebody immediately after the breakup occurs, even if that means 3am

Anybody ever notice that breakups never happen at convenient hours? It’s always mad late which sucks for the friends of the woman because she’s going to call SOMEBODY (as alluded to before).  Men and women both do this, but women in greater number; a pissed off woman doesn’t care about your inconvenience. You don’t answer the phone at midnight and she’s gonna call until you do even if that means she has to stay up all night. Word to the wise evil men out there: by not answering the phone when your pissed off girl calls, you are DIRECTLY responsible for ruining somebody else’s evening. Because that scorned woman is GOING to call somebody until somebody answers. She might start calling hospitals. Synagogues. Your mama’s house. Your grandma’s house. Your friend’s houses. If she has actually landline phone numbers…she’ll use those instead of cells. Then you’ll have MORE pissed off people. Just answer the damn phone.

2) Call homegirls together to talk about it, usually in bash-that-man-and-uplift-your-girl situation

Not that there’s anything wrong with this. This party is even better if it includes the “To The Left Mixtape”, a playlist full of uplifting songs for women, by women like “Irreplaceable” “Best Thing I Never Had” “Hit ‘Em Up Style” “Down For My Ni**as” “Marvin’s Room” and in a surprising twist of irony, “Best I Ever Had”. You know, Drake makes theme music for broken up women.

3) Make some dramatic change

Bulldoze a home. Cut her hair. Move to Africa with Nas and T-Boz. Go back to get another PhD in Environmental Justice with a concentration in Lower-Income Communities and Guam. Collect seashells by the seashore then write a coffee-table book. Start a company.

Women can be amazingly productive in tragedy. While most men do great things in hopes of impressing a woman, I think the only man to do something great because of a break up was Mark Zuckerberg.

Anyway, what are the other different ways that men and women deal with breakups? What were YOUR methods of dealing? Let’s heal today. It’s Monday.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. HEALERMAN, PANAMA! aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

VSB Family Note: Whether you all know it or not, we have a lot of talented individuals doing various things frequenting and commenting on VSB. One of those individuals, commenter Eazy, recently released his third album, Moonlighter’s Mindstate, which features the first ever VSB Interlude. Yes, we got a shoutout on somebody’s album. Head on over to his bandcamp page and get the man’s album for free and support the VSB community.

Ladies, Just How Pissed Would You Be?

You're way more special than my ex! That's why I'm giving you this ring I was gonna give her. #winning

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard an interesting story. I actually didn’t believe it at first because it sounded like SUCH a bad idea that makes complete and total lopsided sense that I’d never think any body (men really) would think to do this.

Until I was informed that there was an episode of Sex And The City that had a similar premise. Well, I’ll be. I never really got into SATC even though I heard it was like the greatest show ever not named The Wire.

Oh, what had happened was?

Right, so what had happened was that the show was about things you are keeping from your spouse and this one fellow called in to the station to confess that his wife’s engagement ring was originally intended for another woman he was engaged to but broke it off with. This ninja used the same engagement ring…twice.

#wheredeydodatat

I couldn’t believe my own two ears except I heard it with them. Honestly, I couldn’t even figure out why I was so taken aback. Perhaps it was the sheer audacity of hope that his wife would never find out (or that he’d ever actually admit that out loud on the off chance that she’d find out). Or maybe because it was actually fairly smart of him. Maybe he couldn’t take it back for some reason or couldn’t sell it anywhere and break close enough to even.

To be clear here (ladies), I think its jacked up to use the same engagement ring twice. I feel like the ring you buy for a woman should be reflective of her specific wants and tastes and is ultimately, supposed to be ‘pacifically for her and her only. To give another woman the ring that was picked out specifically for prior woman just seems wrong.

But also, what if she finds out? There are a few things in life that I think would piss a woman off to the nth degree. Finding out that Lisa Raye is a PhD biomedical engineer would be one of them (she’s not). A TMZ exclusive video of Idris Elba f*cking Eddie Murphy would be another. But learning that your husband gave you the same ring that he gave some other heffa would definitely be at the top of the list of things that might get you stabbed. Its just wrong.

You know what makes it especially wrong? I can’t think of a comparable male equivalent. I mean, we all know that Yeezy taught her how to put those motherf*cking Jimmy Choo’s on. Taught her well in fact. But in terms of something of that high value, both sentimental and emotional that a woman would provide to a man, nothing comes to mind.

Back to the ring. I honestly can’t understand for the life of me what would compel a man to think this is okay. Why he even kept the ring after the first engagement faltered is beyond me. The ring makes no sense as a keepsake or as a memento. Hell, it probably cost him an arm and a leg so I’d be trying to recoup those loses via that ring. Which begs the question over all, who actually keeps sh*t like that after the engagement didn’t work out. Maybe he was just that sure that he’d end up being married at some point.

I know I ain’t keepin’ no ring. I’d take that ho back and get me some golf clubs, a couple prostitutes and a ouija board. But that’s just me.

So after all that, I’m just curious about a few things. Ladies, just how pissed would you be if you found out that your man gave you an engagement ring originally intended for a previous fiance? Is there a male equivalent here? And fellas, would you ever consider doing something like that?

But most importantly…who the hell keeps engagement rings after the engagement ended up like MJ?

MJ gone. Our ninja dead.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka MR. KEEP THAT RING aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

****PS THANKS to everybody who came out to party with Panama Jackson at Liv Nightclub in DC this past Saturday night. The party was INSANE. Good vibes, good music.  Make sure you stay paying attention for more event notices. And that Saturday party…is a monthly. We’re going to do it the first Saturday of every month. Sadatay.****