Tag Archives: alpha

The World’s Smallest Violin: Attractive and “eligible” men have problems too!

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I feel your pain, man

I have a friend “Jake” who’s basically a life-sized black Ken doll. He’s handsome, smart, ambitious, charming, energetic, and positive; seriously, he’s the type of dude that makes other dudes say things like “I’m not gay. Far from it. But, if I was, I’d definitely take a vase-making class with Jake.”

Jake is also married. And, Jake’s wife “Cindy” is a very attractive woman.

Well, lemme rephrase that. If you’re sane, Cindy is a very attractive woman. But, if you’ve been made insane by — and this is an actual quote from one of our mutual friends — the “utter perfectness of the man they call Jake,” Cindy is no longer attractive. In fact, Cindy is — and, again, these are actual real quotes — “a hag,” “not worthy,” “a strong and lucky six who gets to sleep next to a 12,” and, my favorite, “proof that average bitches are winning.”

Anyway, Jake’s plight and the fact that any woman he’d choose to be with is basically signing up to get perpetually picked at, prodded, poked, and put down by other women made me think of the elusive, alluring, attractive and always in-demand attractive and eligible man.

He has many monikers. Alpha male. Master of the universe. King of the castle. Jack Donaghy. And while beta males, pathetic lames, the Chinese, and, well, all women fight for prime position in the reproductive market, the eligible man stays above the fray; void of worry, concern, and tribulation. If life’s a box of chocolates, he’s the guy who bought the box and is still deciding whether to sample the goods or just leave it sitting on his coffee table for his nephew. The world is his oyster, the city is his, and his penis is royal.

But, like all other members of humankind, the eligible/alpha male has issues too, problems that go past “I have to stay doing laundry because all this damn new p*ssy all the time means that I’m always changing my bedsheets,” and here’s a few more.

1. If single, people assume he’s an asshole/player. If single, not an asshole/player, and past 29, people assume he’s gay (btw, in this instance, “people” means “women”)

It’s funny that people (and, again, by “people” I mean “women”) chide men for being relentless dogs, but when a man who’s perfectly equipped to be a dog chooses not to, he either becomes ”suspect” because of his non-doggish ways or accused of using a fabricated anti-dog nature as subterfuge to achieve his doggish goals. It’s just a big, fat, ironic circle jerk with no happy endings. Basically, it’s the worst wet dream ever.

2. Nobody believes that he might actually have trouble finding a mate

According to common thought, any attractive man with his sh*t somewhat together should have absolutely no issue finding his queen to be. But, while it’s definitely true that eligible/alpha males probably have more options than everyone else because there just aren’t that many of them, the queen-finding mission has one significant roadblock: There just aren’t that many queens, either.

Lemme rephrase. A preponderance of options doesn’t mean that each of these options are automatically compatible. And, in this sense, a “queen” would be a woman who’s a perfect long-term fit for a particular man. Actually, the vast number of options makes things more difficult. While most people just hit water fountains or Dasani bottles if they’re thirsty, the eligible male gets thrown in a reservoir. If this doesn’t make any sense to you, imagine how the sea gulls feel.

3. It’s assumed that he’s insincere

While the popular and marketable meme is that many men are intimidated and made insecure by attractive and successful women, I’d argue that the opposite — women being intimidated and made insecure by attractive and successful men — happens just as, if not more, frequently. Because of this, when (many) women are actually approached by these types of guys, they automatically assume that he must be playing some type of game or lost some type of bet. This feeling doesn’t go away, either. The cat could actually propose in Paris and she’ll still be looking over her shoulder, waiting for proof that she just got Punk’d

4. He never gets to put away his p*ssyproof vest

For most men, the new p*ssy vultures stop circling the carcass once they sniff that he’s taken. Sure, there still might be some scavengers who get turned on by that type of thing, but most respect the fact that he’s taken and respectfully back away and either try to find new meat or just start boning other vultures.

For the attractive/alpha man though, even if he’s no longer “eligible,” the new p*ssy vultures never relent, never rest, and never stop trying to find new ways to infiltrate his fortress. Basically, they’re a living, breathing, and queefing coital al-Qaeda.

Anyway, people of VSB, P blessed the pulpit last week with “Pretty Girl Problems,” but no one sheds a tear for the eligible and attractive man. Do you think that these type of men have legitimate issues, or are you just content to play the smallest violin in the world for their woes?

—The Champ