Tag Archives: advice

Movies That All Women Should See To Understand Men

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This is what male friends get their other friends into. It's how we show we care, ladies!

Perhaps understand is a strong word, but here we go now, holler if you here me though come and feel me flow.

Ahem.

I think it’s fairly safe to state that men and women will never truly understand one another. We can all agree on that right? Good. However, that won’t stop all of us from trying to gain some sort of competitive advantage in order to best navigate the murky waters of the heart. Obviously, women will spend beaucoup dinero trying to figure out men…or at least until they find a man and get married. I actually wonder if women care as much about this sh*t after they end up married. Luckily, something like 163 percent of Black women will never end up married – statistically speaking, that is. I may or may not have made that up.

And I don’t think men really care that much. But let’s assume that we all care and want to figure each other out from a sincere and earnest place. Now picture Earnest going to jail. Thank you.

Movies are a great source of nutrition and protein.And they’re also a great way to learn about men (or women). There are a few movies that I think do a good job of accurately showcasing the types of conversations we have and the way we really think about situations we find ourselves in. Such as?

Such as.

1. 40-Year Old Virgin

Are men’s methods largely misguided a lot? Absolutely. But do most of our misguidances come from a well intentioned place? Of course. Are our conversations ridiculous? Mmhmm. Do we tend to overfocus on the tang? Yep. But isn’t the pursuit of happiness in the Magna Carta? Maybe. Point is, this movie perfectly illustrates true friendship and wanting to see your boys happy. Which is largely how most men live our lives. We just want happiness. By the way, this (and every other conversation in this movie is as real as it gets ladies…yes, this really happens).

Cal: Here’s what you do. You tell her you’re a virgin. You test her with this sh8*t, okay? Here, tell me. Tell me. This is how it’s gonna go. Tell me.
Andy Stitzer: I’m a virgin.
Cal: Sweet! I like that because I know you don’t have… chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean, that sh*t is everywhere.

2. The Wood

The Wood is one of my favorite movies. I related so hard to this movie that every time it goes off I get sad that they didn’t keep going thru the rest of their lives. Here’s how men’s friends really do work. There’s always the one who thinks he’s the pimp. Always. Then you got the one who always plays the mediator and stays level-headed…or tries too. Then you definitely always have the loud mouthed funny one. If there are 3 or 76 dudes who call themselves friends, you’re going to get some iteration of all three over and over again. And yes, 90 percent of us bet on our virginity. I mean, wait, none of us ever did that. We’d never.

3. The Lion King

Most of our daddies are absentee like a motherf*cker. And we’re all running from something. It hurts. I mean, I know my daddy. So it doesn’t hurt me so much. But I can’t lie, I’d be mad as hell if his brother threw him off a ledge then came up in my house and ate my food and drank my wine. And Nala was kind of banging in a lion next door kind of way. I think that’s who Musiq was singing about in Just Friends, Buddy, Homey, Chickfriend, Can’t Marry You Cuz You My Friend But I’d Smang,  and Pal.

4. The Best Man

Really, the worst offense you can commit as a friend is to bang the homey’s girl. The Best Man got all the convos right. The hotel scene where they’re talkign about Harper’s women situation was so on point it was scary. Plus…getting damn near thrown off a roof is pretty much a rite of passage in the life of a man. It happened to me just twice this weekend. But back to banging the homey’s girl. Ladies if you ever over hear a convo between two dudes and one says, “yo, I wouldn’t even sleep with your girl man…” you know they are real friends. Just ask Nicky Barnes.

5. Taken

As I watched Taken for the first time, I found myself getting so emotionally invested. They took his kid. His daughter. You do NOT mess with a man’s family. This movie illustrates the mentality of man who’s got a singular purpose and is willing to die for it. For many men, our family becomes that. Extended family, cousins, and ninjas who only ask for money though don’t get that treatment. See also: Man On Fire. The lesson here? If you take white girls, you will get dealt with.

Alright, those are a few movies that help women see a man’s mentality and/or how we talk and operate fairly accurately. What are others though? Let’s help the ladies out.

And ladies…what are some movies men should watch if we want to understand women? And please refrain from mentioning The Notebook. We know…and we hate it.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka CINEMA JACKSON aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

The Very Smart Takeover

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I spent the entire 4th of July grilling and mixing drinks for a crew of Mexican plankers and n*gger scientists, so I wasn’t able to write last night. And by “I spent the entire 4th of July grilling and mixing drinks for a crew of Mexican plankers and n*gger scientists” I mean “I was drunk between 2:30 pm and (approximately) now.”

But, although we don’t have anything new for VSB today, Panama and I have been quite busy expanding our writing horizons, and I thought I’d take some time today to share a few of the moves we’ve made to help make this VSB takeover complete.

First, I wanted to let you all know that I’ll be writing for The Good Men Project on a semi-regular basis. My first article there, “Eligible, Black, Male, and Hopelessly Single” — which shed light on the fact that there are actually “eligible” black men out there who genuinely want to be in a relationship (with a black woman!) but have trouble finding the right match — was their most popular article last week and was picked up by several publications, including NPR News and Clutch Magazine.

Panama has a new gig at The Stir, where he’s blogging about being a single dad, being black, dating, actually knowing his daughter’s favorite color, and being a black single dad who’s currently dating and actually knows his daughter’s favorite color. It’s not a game with Panama and the blogging about being a single black male father (who’s not in prison) game.

A new edition of my “Ask A Very Smart Brotha” advice column at Madame Noire posts every Wednesday, and is guaranteed to provide insight, humor, ratchetness, anger, and conspiracy theory (and those are just the comments)

Panama is still holding it down at GuySpeak, a place where (I’ve heard) he’s much, much nicer than he is at VSB. Show the BFF some love.

Also, I’ve been named head editor of The Hill Review, a new literary magazine that’s set to launch in September. Founded and funded by The August Wilson Center, it will offer long-form essays, articles, critiques, fiction, excerpts, and even editorial cartoons. Basically, think The New Yorker with a focus on all things African-American culture. You’ll be hearing more about this in the coming weeks. And yes, we’re unofficially accepting submissions right now. (Btw, I have no idea what “unofficially accepting submissions” even means.)

Lastly, I know we’ve done this a trillion times before, but each of us — Panama, Liz, and I — greatly appreciate all of the support you all have given us. Yes, we’ve put in a ton of work ourselves, but the success we’ve had and the doors this success has opened is largely due to VSB nation, and we’re forever indebted to you all and shit.

Thank you.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, does anyone have any announcements to make? Any crazy 4th of July stories? Any planking pictures?

We’re all fam here and shit. Don’t be scared to share.

***1:25 am edit. Liz has a ton of awesomeness going on too, but she’s a bit less comfortable sharing in this space. Plus, she prefers to remain stealth. Easier for her to steal shit that way, I guess. Follow her at @calinative for the full Liz 411.***

—The Champ

Words Of Advice For A New College Grad

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Between WorldStar spam, the dozens of daily requests to promote premieres of movies starring people you thought were dead, and the 125,000 times per day that people ask us how to create avatars, most of the emails we receive at the VSB account are somewhat anti-climatic.

Every now and then, though, something thoughtful and unique will find our inbox.

My name is **** and in 6 days I’m graduating from college and being
forced to go be an adult or whatever. I am excellent at being a
semi-responsible youngin but not really sure how I’m supposed to go “be
grown” the day after that cap and gown come off. I was wondering if you
all could do a post with your own advice for a fresh-out-the-classroom,
young VSS and invite your hilarious readers to add their own.

Of course I had to oblige.

1. There will come a time in the next year or so when your life is going to feel exactly like the first half of the chorus in Drake’s “Over”…

“I know way too many people here right now
That I didn’t know last year, who the f*ck are y’all?
I swear it feels like the last few nights
We been everywhere and back
But I just can’t remember it all

What am I doin’? What am I doin’?”

…and that’s perfectly ok.

You will doubt yourself. You will experience angst. You will be wondering if you went to the right school, chose the right major, chose the right job, slept with the right guy(s). And, worst of all, you’ll see other people your age who are seemingly unaffected by these types of thoughts, and it will frustrate and maybe even depress you.

Thing is, despite their perpetual self-fellating tweets and Facebook status messages (“OMG! I’m so sh*ttin on life right now!!!”) they’re all feeling the exact same way you are.

My point? We all went through it. Sh*t, some of us still are. Don’t get allow yourself to get too discouraged and defeated if you haven’t quite figured your plan yet, and don’t forget that you’re far from the only one who’s going through this.

2. Be prepared for the fact that every guy your age that you’re interested will be an asshole.

Thing is, since you and every other 21 to 23 year old woman is an asshole too, this shouldn’t be too much of a problem.

3. Don’t allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into keeping certain people around/in your life just because they’ve been around/in your life.

While I’m not saying that you should just start rocking a pair of shorts that says “Deuces” on the back and tell all your old friends to “watch my ass, bitch” when they try to talk to you, you’ll find that some people just aren’t built to be able to accompany you on this journey. Discarding them (or, even better, letting them discard themselves. If this doesn’t make any sense now, it will shortly) doesn’t make you a sell out.

4. Still haven’t figured out that plan? Go back to school

In fact, even if you have figured out that plan, go back to school and think on it some more. Trust me, if you do plan on continuing your education, the longer you wait, the harder it’s going to be for you to get back into “school” mode.

With that being said…

5. It’s true. Your degrees definitely won’t keep you warm at night.

But, they do have a funny way of keeping gas in your whip, food in your fridge, hot water in your shower….

Basically, so the f*ck what if you don’t have a (wo)man right now. If it happens it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Either way, don’t allow the pursue of the p (penis, p*ssy, women who smell like patchouli, etc) to hijack your entire being. Plus, think about your friends that are in relationships. Now, think about how many of them are actually happy. (Real happy. Not Facebook happy) Do you really want that relentless God-awfulness in your life?

I didn’t think so.

Anyway, people of VSB, that’s it for me. Can you think of anything else you’d say to a 20 to 22 year old doe-eyed VSB or VSS right now?

Also, if you happen to be one of those snot-nosed youngsters, take this time to pick the old-ass brains of the old-ass regulars. Do you have any questions about “life” that you’d like answered?

Lastly, old-ass VSB-ers, is there anything you wish someone would have told you when you were graduating from college?

The carpet is yours

—The Champ

If you haven’t purchased the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime” yet, what the hell is stopping you? (No, seriously. Tell us and we’ll send Chuck Norris or Liz to fix it)