For the vast majority of us, Memorial Day represents the unofficial start of the summer season. It’s the first weekend where grills sell out and the sweet smell of hickory smoked something or other can be smelt from Hollis to Hollywood. And because we believe in love here at VSB, we want everybody to have a fun, safe summer full of whatever level of holiness or debauchery that best suits you.
And just because, #geminiseason.
With that said, and hypothetically based upon the Memorial Day Weekend that I just had, I figured that I’d share some tips and lessons learned that might effectively help the next man or woman make it in these streets. Again, these tips may or may not be inspired by actual events and go in no particular order.
1. Bottomless mimosas are the best and worst creation known to mankind, so proceed with caution.
Let’s just say this, there is no buzz like a champagne buzz. I learned this the hard way some years ago when after consuming upwards of 10 tiny bottles of some house champagne my entire next day was spent in prayer. They go down so easy. They are less filling, taste great. And your glass is magically
delicious always full! You blink and voila. MORE MIMOSA! It’s magic I swear. And the next thing you know and two hours later you have to convince the owners of an establishment that the person you’re hanging with really is special and you promise to never bring them back. I will say this, apparently, the bottomless mimosas are the great racial equalizer because, well, drunk liberals are drunk liberals and really just want to have a good time…with whomever. This does, by the way, include the nearly 90 year old white woman who grabbed my face and told me to let the good times roll. <—— that happened.
2. If you’re at an outdoor event with thousands of people, do not wait until you know you must use the port-o-potty, anticipate it ahead of time, THEN go stand in line.
Pretty self explanatory stuff here but that’s some love talk and slow jams for that azz. There is nothing worse than seeing the CLEARLY drunk and in need of some privacy young lady 50 people from the front of the line doing the pee-pee dance…at age 35.
3. Watch the weather forecast, people.
Say that you’re still at said outdoor event and what has been forecasted (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktAKHww9wPo&feature=related) comes to pass. Being surprised by such weather and acting a damn fool because of that is wildly entertaining for those of us who brought tents AND sat under them. But word to the wise ladies, not a single one of you looks good walking down a grassy knoll with a white bag covering your had that says “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU” in red block letters. Not a one. I’m aware that you have to do what you have to do. What should you do though? Bring an umbrella. Rihanna made a song about it for cripes sake, invest in one.
4. Ladies, do not wear white if this is a possibility.
5. Do not sit in direct sunlight, in 80+ degree weather, drinking either wine or champagne.
Or anything else for that matter. In fact, just don’t sit in direct sunlight. In the famous words of Genie from Alladin: It’s not a pretty picture, I don’t like doing it. While that last sentence has nothing at all to do with the price of duct tape in Botswana, the point is, that sun will seep into your soul and iron you all the way out. You will be compelled to sleep away an entire day.
6. Make sure you do bring something to the cookout.
Real talk, when somebody shows up to a cookout or celebration emptyhanded, its like the record scratches and all eyes immediately turn to that person as they walk in the door. It just ain’t right is all. It just ain’t. Bring a pack of chili peppers. Bring a deck of cards. Bring the banginest chick so at least you are good for something. Bring a white person so you can play the cultural diversity card. Something…JUST BRING SOMETHING YOU INGRATE. Hell, I have unopened bottles of wine and champagne JUST for that purpose. I don’t even drink wine.
Speaking of not drinking wine…
7. DC/MD/VA has a plethora of wine festivals. The wine will come. It will see. And it will conquer. Know that you will always lose to the vino.
Word to the two ridiculous dbags in a tent near mine who decided that they should….wrestle. And take out other people’s tents in the process. By wrestling. Grown men. Wrestled. I’m sure one or both of them were also copping feels. Bazinga.
BONUS: If you feel the need to tell somebody about your extra-marital affair that you’re going back and forth about, try not to tell the sober dude who’s tweeting.
Those are some quick tips based on things that may or may not have happened to me this past weekend. VSB, let’s share the wealth and ensure that people have a fun and happy summer. What are some summer tips that need to be shared no matter how grand or acute they may be.
Share. Just share.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
****DMV RESIDENTIALISTS: Come celebrate Panama’s B-day on Thursday, June 2, a VSB Happy Hour and Game Night at Tap& Parlour at Bohemian Caverns located at 2001 11th Street, NW (corner of 11th and U) from 530-until. Game 2 will be on the TVs, games will be available, and happy hour prices. It’s a win-win-win.****
No rapture means that God wants you to stay on Earth and purchase the paperback or the $9.99 Kindle version of “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”
Lastly, we’d like to thank all of you for coming through and nominating us for FIVE Black Weblog Awards. We’re on the final ballot for Best Humor Blog, Best Writing in a Blog, Best Sex & Relationships Blog, Best Group Blog, and Blog of the Year. Please vote for us here.