Steve Harvey Is The St. Peter Of The Sunken Place » VSB

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Steve Harvey Is The St. Peter Of The Sunken Place

Drew Angerer/Getty Images

 

Imagine, if you can, the sheer terror of watching yourself descend into The Sunken Place. Your body suspended in a perpetual state of hypnagogia. Your mind lucid enough to be conscious of the fright and the dread of what’s happening to your soul but too subdued — too horrifyingly and devastatingly paralytic — do to anything about it. The creep of knowing your being will soon be a portal, a wormhole, an exoskeleton, a theme park virtual reality exhibition, where you’ll be controlled by an infestation of peak White appropriation, free to do whatever it wants to do with the spirit and shape that was once yours. The sadness of enough brain function existing to know — to remember — how you were lured and lied to and fooled. The agony of the recollection of shaking the hand of the man who’ll now, for the rest of your days, be your masturbatory Geppetto.

And then, once you’ve begun to resign yourself to your fate, once you start to believe things can’t get any worse, you’re greeted at the gates of The Sunken Place by a large, melon-headed ghoul. He smiles when he sees you; his ghastly teeth impaled in his gums like telephone poles painted stark white; his eyes hungry and thirsty and dead and shameless like zombies promised large meals after Presidential photo ops. His costume (a pinstriped potato sack with 17,000 miniature buttons — Oh those horrible and terrible buttons! — each as fiendish and awful as this creature’s face) as spine-chilling and revolting as his continence. Before ushering you into Hell, the beast mumbles something about “giving them a chance” out of his wretched mouthhole. And you laugh, for a split of a split second, at this leviathan’s audacity. And also the ogre’s accent, which sounds like a warthog doing an impression of a Black comedian doing an impression of a warthog.

But then, of course, your brief oasis of levity subsides, and you’re soon reminded of the reality of your situation and the totally of your devastation. And you begin to cry. And then, once you’re fully ensconced in The Sunken Place, with no escape and no way out but sweet, sweet death, the monster asks if you want some Harvey Food’s Real Roasted Hardwood Smoked Easy Bacon.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Courtney Wheeler

    Ima let my girl Ramona from Real Housewives of New York say how I feel about Steve Harvey:
    https://m.popkey.co/45f45d/DepRm.gif

  • fedup

    First!

    Finally!

    • No Google

      Really? People still do this in 2017?

  • Mary Burrell

    That was a perfect description of what it was like to transition into the sunken place. That gave a a fright just reading that.That is what makes it horror.

  • Junegirl627

    I gotta say none of this surprises me. I don’t trust any grown man who thinks it’s ok to call my vagina a cookie while having a serious conversation.

  • HouseOfBonnets

    Cedric Jackie & Lovita Alize Robinson
    Were the best part of the Steve Harvey show anyway…….

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8a5c35a451670f5fd74e12a2b3b11ba8d01de4ac4783da76062f81988d283da7.gif

    • Roz

      LOVITA ALIZE ROBINSON!!!! She was a guilty pleasure. Her voice, o her voice…but the intent was pure.

      • DorisMorris111

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    • BrothasKeeper

      I’m stealing this GIF, if’n you don’t mind.

      • HouseOfBonnets

        Of course

    • catgee12

      Nothing but truth … #Facts

    • JennyJazzhands

      Is that the day al wouldn’t let them sugarcoat that swimmer dudes lies? That was a great day.

      • HouseOfBonnets

        you know it lol

      • Roz

        It has to have been…he was brewing, you could tell.

      • SororSalsa

        Indeed. Al “Billy, he LIED!!!” Roker can have all the cocktails with straws for the rest of his days for that.

    • Don’t forget about Romeo!!

      • Blueberry01

        RIP

  • Mary Burrell

    “masturbatory Geppetto” That’s deep.

    • When he said “melon-headed ghoul” I snickered LMAO

      • Mary Burrell

        IKR

  • I still haven’t heard a valid reason for any of Steve’s behavior. I also need Tom Joyner back on in KC immediately.

    • fedup

      Either him or Michael Baisden (where he at?) would be welcomed back on in L.A. Like a hot bowl a’ grits on cold rainy day.

  • Glo

    I’ve been done with Steve Harvey since my mom made me read “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” years ago. Read that ish and realized that I would rather be happily single than date someone Harvey-esque.

    I don’t think he was in the Sunken Place when he wrote that ish, though. He started transitioning into the Sunken Place sometime between getting his talk show and making that Miss Universe mistake.

    • Jennifer

      Still can’t take him as a “relationship expert.” Isn’t his current wife his old mistress?

      • Junegirl627

        Yes!!!

      • Roz

        !!!!!!!!!!

      • catgee12

        Wife number 3 no less … All the way bye …

      • Glo

        Exactly. I’m still confused about why my mom wanted me to read his nonsense.

      • Roz

        And they share that “cute” how we met story all the time too, but I ain’t one to talk on grown folks business.

        • Jennifer

          It’s almost as good as those NY Times wedding announcements when you do the math and realize…yeah, y’all should have kept this to yourself.

        • SororSalsa

          Mmm, I am. I know why Steve has to have 15 jobs. I’m sure she told him she had a minimum expected allowance, because there’s no way Steve would’ve gotten someone like her otherwise. I think it’s hard for someone who’s been married 3x (with exes suing him left and right) to call themselves a relationship expert. Unless that expertise is how to shake a chick who’s demanding more alimony.

        • grownandsexy2

          I just look, cackle and side-eye them as they tidy it up for public consumption

          • Mochasister

            Right? Stop frontin’. Everybody knows you were stepping out on the second wife with this wife.

        • Mochasister

          Adultery is cute? I don’t like what went down with his second wife, Mary. I have a feeling this current wife is going to be part of his downfall.

      • Mary Burrell

        Yep

      • OweMeOne Kenobi
        • PuttingUpA

          welp!

          • OweMeOne Kenobi

            This thread just made me remember someone sent that to me a while back. Seemed appropriate somehow.

        • cedriclathan

          Wow! She has a gold shovel.

        • Wow.

    • cakes_and_pies

      He transitioned when he tried to get a bunch of disenfranchised Black boys to cook with Paula Deen after her “incident.”

      • Mr. Mooggyy

        Is that what we’re calling it now?

        • cakes_and_pies

          What else are we calling it?

      • Mary Burrell

        That was messed up.

      • Glo

        I didn’t even know about this. I’m actually horrified.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      My dad gave that book to all three of his daughters. I didn’t finish it though. I was 18 and I just couldn’t gel with it.

      • Jennifer

        Burn them, lol

    • Jeanette Johnson

      With his goofy looking azz.

    • RagesAgainstMachines

      I just told my homegirl it was when he went bald. I said those hair plugs were holding his brain in place and once he went bald, he lost his mind.

  • Wowza23

    I want to believe Auntie Maxine. But as we’ve all learned by now – going to have to just sit back and wait and see.

    http://occupydemocrats.com/2017/03/21/top-congresswoman-just-made-trump-announcement-weve-waiting/

    • It can’t possibly be this easy…

      • Kas loves Jamaican Breakfast

        It isn’t

  • Damon. This was a PLEASURE to read. I love descriptive passages.

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