Seven Songs We Need To Retire From Cookouts, Clubs, And Other Places Colored People Congregate » VSB

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Seven Songs We Need To Retire From Cookouts, Clubs, And Other Places Colored People Congregate

MCA Records

 

After years of being exposed to White parties, I’ve gained a particular appreciation for the comfort of attending a Black party and having a general idea of what to expect musically. No getting Rachel Dolezaled when you hear a Black song starting to play and it’s suddenly remixed with EDM porn music. No sir, there are Black classics that will be played, and they will be enjoyed.

In Cleveland, “50 Niggaz Deep” is one of those songs. And oh, does that make me happy. Lola Damone’s verse is at least 4% of why I’m a feminist today. It should be played at every function, all the time. Birthday? “50 Niggaz Deep.” Wedding? “50 Niggaz Deep.” Bat Mitzvah? “50 Niggaz Deep.” Christening? “50 Niggaz Deep.” Funeral? “50 Niggaz Deep.” Something for the kids, you know?

But some songs have been played out, thoroughly. Some songs make you want to pick up a chair and throw it at the nearest person you think you could take in a fight. Some songs have just been played OUT. And I’m here to ask you—no, beseech you—to stop. Playing. Them.

“This Is How We Do It”

Really just cosigning Jozen on this one, since folks have opted not to listen to his request. But I have to address the DJs out there saying it’s about the crowd or something. Here’s the thing: You don’t play this song because it’s the perfect time to play this is how we do it based on the crowd. How do I know this? Because there is never a perfect time to play This Is How We Do It. No crowd is ever collectively thinking, damn, I wish there was a song I could awkwardly and anachronistically Roger Rabbit to RIGHT NOW in 2015. Looking at you, fellow millennials. Man, oh, man. You play this song because there is no WRONG time to play it, but that’s mainly because it’s been played out to the point of sounding nondescript on every listen. At this point, This Is How We Do It is musical iceberg lettuce.

Alternative: Seriously? Just give me like a minute thirty of elevator music. Or this:

It’s less corny.

“Poison”

Bruh. Breh. Brah. Please stop playing this song. Honestly, I’ll still listen to it on my own, thoroughly enjoying not being in a setting where I am watching people born after 1995 experience a nostalgia they never actually felt themselves and then posture all the easy-to-learn ass words at each other. Also, for those of you interested in classic film history, it reminds me of this:

Ireenie

A very unfortunate part of an otherwise amazing contribution to black excellence in film.

Alternative: At this point, millennials think that literally everything that came out before 2005 is “old school,” so really? Anything. Try this, since it’ll get so stuck in their heads they’ll be too annoyed to request it:

I realize I’m taking shots at myself, but I mostly know better, so whatevs. And if you’re playing for people over 30, just start literally any argument about New Jack and they’ll be too distracted to notice anyway. I would suggest asking who would win in a knife fight between Wanya and Michael.

“Back That Azz Up”

I won’t mention here that “Drop It Like It’s Hot” was ALWAYS the superior song. Nor will I mention that I have seen enough White women “twerk” to this to hate it just off GP. Or how most of the people who think this is the be all end all don’t know a thing about southern music and their other alternatives to THIS ONE SONG. What I WILL mention is that it almost ALWAYS comes on at the end of a long string of exhausting songs. And look, before you start telling me about DJ tactics and what songs to play and when, I get it. People still lose their minds to this song, so I get it. But what I don’t get is why in this earthly world Raynard with the hat seems to just KNOW that I feel like doing goddamn cardio on his dick at 96 BPM after I already danced to fittylem songs. And honestly? That whole people losing their minds thing I mentioned? Is bullshit. I’m entirely convinced at LEAST half of y’all are more worried that you’ll look crazy for not getting hype. Social pressure—I get it. I understand, I really do. Just let it become a cultural artifact already. You can still make your 99 and the 2000 jokes, I promise.

Alternative:

OR:

OR:

CLEARLY SUPERIOR. CLEARLY.

“Electric Boogie” (The Electric Slide Song)

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but if something becomes a frequent criterion of a White person being “Black” enough to be acceptable… It’s not that Black any more. Or at all. Your beige NAACP chapter-chair auntie with the lake accent can fight me if she wants to. Give me the Boodie Bounce and your 44-year-old aunty basically doing squats to it. Give me the Monorail and your 68-year-old uncle-stalker killing it with his thumbs up. The young ones will catch up eventually. These are clearly superior line dances. We’re too complex for the Electric Slide, folks.

With that said:

I really, really love Black people.

Alternative:

LOOK HOW BLACK THIS IS. YES. YES YES YES.

“Heads High”

Okay, so, honestly, I like this song, but… what I don’t like is how everyone around me suddenly becomes “Jamaican” when it comes on. And I want you to know those are the most aggressive scare quotes I could humanly type, breh. Hurt my index fingers a little bit. Anyway, barely any of you know the words to this song. But will mouth the HELL out of it. Or mouth the hell out of something, because you clearly don’t know the words. Even my Jamaican-ass friend thought they were saying “Heads High, Billy Billy no” when she was younger. And though I realize a lot of you know the hook now, you don’t know these verses. But you will still try to sing them, with your “watermelon watermelon watermelon” looking asses. Stop it.

Alternative:

Because what I will NEVER have issues with are impressions of Diddy’s ridiculous ass verse, regardless of quality. His entire verse sounds like 8 layers of Hustle Man impression with a little cocaine thrown in. Also I enjoy screaming I LOVE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME BIG PO—PPA. THE SHOWSTO—PPA. THE RHYME-DRO—PPA at the top of my lungs. So.

“Peaches & Cream”

So, the clean version of this song is trash, first and foremost.

“On top, underneath, on the side of you
Better yet baby right next to you”

“Better yet, right next to me”??? You saved or something? Like REAL damn saved? I… Okay. Honestly, that’s my primary reason for wanting this to stop. Play the dirty version and we’re good.

Actually, the dirty version is a lot, too.

“In the front, in the back of you,
Ooh I love the smell of you”

Please don’t sniff me from behind, sir. Kindly. Please, kindly. Also…wait, this is in both versions of the song. NO kind of discretion. Nevermind, carry on.

Alternative:

Because better. Just pretend Lil’ Zane doesn’t exist, like you’ve already been doing for the past couple decades or so.

“Be Faithful (Put Your Hands Up)”

Siiiiiiiiiigh. No one needs this song. No one really wants this song—it’s more like we tolerate it because it always comes on when we’re too tired and forget that there are better things in life. I’d ask New Yorkers to weigh in, but New Yorkers are singularly skilled at pretending corny shit is not corny, so I won’t. Instead, I’ll just state that this song is what I imagine a DJ’s midlife crisis sounds like.

ALL THE CHICKENHEADS BE QUIET

WHAT’S YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?!?!

WHO FUCKIN TONIGHT

CAN I GET A WOO WOO

OH MY GOD PLEASE LET ME GET A WOO WOO PLEASE

IS THE CROWD STILL WITH ME? PLEASE LET THE CROWD LIKE THIS

OH MY GOD I HOPE THEY DON’T THINK I’M OLD

LIKE SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO COOL OLD PEOPLE DO? MAKE UP LINE DANCES?

WAIT THEY’RE STILL DANCING I THINK

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE LEAVING BUT THEY PROBABLY JUST WANT DRINKS

CROOKLYN CLAN! CROOKLYN CLAN! THEY STILL LOVE ME RIGHT

Alternative:

Look if you’re gonna do lazy DJ shit, at least soften the blow by making it Beyoncé.

I know I’m not the only one shedding a single tear while inexplicably rowing a canoe past the bustling, polluted world of Black party music. Are there songs that you need us to get the fuck out of here? Songs we should still be playing that were long forgotten? Maybe you’re one of the people who was too scared to speak out for fear of being ridiculed—I’m here for you. They can’t hurt you here, I promise.

Natalie Degraffinried

Natalie is a writer, music-lover, gamer, and Black movie quote code-switcher. Cleveland is the reason. Catch her writing about anxiety, dating, atheism, and a bunch of other stuff at natisextra.com.

  • JennyJazzhands

    No and absolutely not to this entire list. You can add the other options in but I will never not dance to back that azz up. Ever.

    • Keisha

      RIGHT!!! Just hearing the intro make me feel happy! :-)

  • Aaron Smarter

    No no no no no. You are weird for typing this. Go stand the corner.

  • celinad6

    Lies!

  • Medium Meech

    *Adds all rejected songs to BBQ playlist and 64% of the alternatives* You cant just go changing sacred traditions for the sake of change! You might as well tell aunt Deborah to bring quinoa instead of Macaroni to thanksgiving or tell gran gran to leave her King James bible at home and rock that NIV to bible school. Might as well through out her black cast iron skillet and replace it with a wok while you’re at it.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Your replacement list is everything. Can we add:

      Telling Big Momma to remove the plastic from the couch and use scotch guard
      Substituting the Ebony and Jet magazines proudly displayed on the coffee table with Vogue and Cosmopolitan

      • HeyBooHey

        Throwing out the gargantuan TV that hasn’t worked since 1989 that the newer TV sits on

        • Sigma_Since 93

          using the clicker instead of the pliers to change the channel. Hey now the big tv still has the record player that works in it. How else will I play Brick House???

          • HeyBooHey

            Play Brick House on some bluetooth speakers and watch MeeMaw lose her mind

        • KB

          Don’t forget the giant wooden spook and fork hanging on the wall just outside the kitchen.

          • HeyBooHey

            My grandma STILL got those. And the random Bible scriptures on the fridge, the walls, the magnets, etc.

          • Ten extra points if they had little plastic fruit attached

      • MzzPeaches

        No. Ebony and Jet are on the table because they weren’t showing our colored faces in Vogue & Cosmo.

      • “Substituting the Ebony and Jet magazines proudly displayed on the coffee table with Vogue and Cosmopolitan”

        Oh…you’re trying to get your hands on those vintage Ebony and Jet magazines from the 60’s and 70’s because they are worth money, huh? You ain’t slick, Sigma- I SEE YOU!

        • Sigma_Since 93

          I need to complete my beauty of the week collection.

          • *Looks at early 70’s Freda Payne bikini pictures*

            • brothaskeeper

              Check out Bern Nadette Stanis as well….blessings and glory….

          • Keisha

            I used to want to be the Jet Beauty of the week when I was little…lol

            • brothaskeeper

              It’s never too late…

            • Darylsmeadnotebook

              me too! i was sad when they got rid of jet…there went my opportunity to shine!

    • Quinoa goes great with fish and kale though. Delicious.

      • Courtney Wheeler

        Especially Char…way healthier than salmon..

        • Glockenspiel

          Blackened Char with smokey roasted veggies – DELISH!

      • MzzPeaches

        As the young Auntie whose family got the family approval for my macaroni, I ain’t here for these changes

      • More reasons why you don’t get an invite to the VSB cookout. Who the fugg is going to be at the function eating that garbage?!

        • HeyBooHey

          You were right. LikLik can’t come to the party smh

      • miss t-lee

        no.

      • Cleojonz

        I endorse all of this, but it is not coming to the cookout table lol. Know your audience.

        • miss t-lee

          Always know your audience.

        • Well I mean I wouldn’t bring the food or music I like to a cookout. I know better than that. I’m just saying it’s good. I know how to stay in my lane proper.

          • Siante

            U can bring kale, I’ll bring my blender & some fruit & make green smoothies for everybody – they wont even taste the greens.

            • solutions oriented.

              • Siante

                I try, lol

      • God Shammgod

        At the cookout?!?! SMH.

        You sounld like the one azzhole that brings a plate of your own and asks the host to put it on the grill for them, smh

        • I just be talking. I don’t sincerely expect anyone to take my suggestions.

          • Andie

            I do wish you could bring your own plate and people would leave you alone about it. If you contribute…Bring liquor, plates, cups, cakes, ribs, forks, crap that other people need and want. I wish folks would just mind they business when you eating whatever you want to eat…that you might have happened to bring for yourself. It is like the annoying question…”Why aren’t you drinking?” I think “Why are you eating that?” Should fall under the same category….of…mind your business. You don’t know what I got going on…or what I’m going through.

            • That’s right up there with “are you sleeping?”

              • brothaskeeper

                Or its equivalent, “Did I wake you up?”

            • Hmmm

              @disqus_8dWJasLAaO:disqus thank you! I’m a non-drinking vegetarian…if I’m an azzhole for bringing my own veggie patties to the BBQ, then I’ll be that, because I’m not going to starve out in these streets.

            • ohsokool

              Clearly a lot. We gon’ give you some space. A time out. Okay, a few :-D

      • Don’t bring that demon grain to a cookout, Malik.

        • I go to cookouts to load up on food and bounce. Only music parties I go to play like chillwave or jazzish ish.

          • Baemie St. Patrick

            I like chill music as well (I even have a chill Crimmus station on Pandora) BUT I hope you’re not that pretentious negro for the sake of being such.

            • Not pretentious. I don’t think I’m better than people. I know where I fit in and where my lane is and I stay in it.

              • Baemie St. Patrick

                umkay….I hope so. We all know that ONE that does different stuff just to say “I’m not like them”

          • Ger Wil

            did I read “Toro Y Moi” in your comment? Say yes please!

            • Yeah, I’ve seen him live. Absolutely love him. Michael and Anything in Return are always in rotation.

    • Jennifer

      You know gran gran ain’t leaving that King James edition nowhere. She’s keeping it in her big purse next to her check book and those nasty peppermints that have been in there since ’78.

      • MzzPeaches

        add butterscotch melted together in the candy dish that no one has touched since the Reagan era

        • brothaskeeper

          and these….

          • MzzPeaches

            lol where do they even buy those? I’ve never seen them on ANY candy aisle.

            • brothaskeeper

              That’s an achievement you unlock ONLY when you become a grandmother. Grandfathers gain unlimited access to loose change…

              • MzzPeaches

                bol

            • Mahogany

              Good question

          • Mahogany

            I loved these. Lol

          • Passé CeCe

            I love these to this day????????

  • LOL, where do you go that they are still playing “I Love Your Smile”?!? I haven’t heard that song in public since it came out. Sure, we can retire This is How We Do It but the rest…you are trippin! #CashMoneyRecordsTakingOvaFuhTha99AndTha2000!

  • Hostile Negress

    Girl I really gotta question where you been partying. I was with you up to Poison. After that, Iown be hearing those songs anywhere. Are you in Ohio? If so, this is a sign to leave lol

    • Baemie St. Patrick

      this. I live in Missouri and I don’t hear Heads High, Peaches and Cream or the Electric Slide ENTEEWHERE. You put on reggae most places here and ninjas is going to get drinks. White people, on the other hand, get looser than bowels after a night of drinking and McDonalds. And don’t let it be Shaggy “It Wasn’t Me”

      • Hostile Negress

        So the Midwest in general is not a place meant for The Blacks. I recommend you ALL relocate. QUICKLY!

        • Baemie St. Patrick

          LOL. KC has its’ own bamma flair so I will give it that. We don’t play the electric slide because with the KC two-step and other line dances, we don’t need it.

          But anywhere I go, if Reggae is playing I’m going to get a drink lol

        • Brown Girl with a pen

          LOL. Imma need ALL ya to ease off Cleveland. We gave ya’ll Levert, Bone Thugs, Lebron, Pop (not soda), and Halle Berry. At this rate the South isn’t meant for The Blacks either (cue confederate flag). Spoken from someone born and reared in Cleveland until 21, then lived in Atlanta for 10 years.

          • Baemie St. Patrick

            I visited Cleveland a couple of years ago and it really is a lovely city. And any city with a Rally’s is fine with me!

            • Brown Girl with a pen

              Ha!! Thank you Baemie :-)

          • mssporadic

            This may all be true, plus John Legend, but you are O-H-I-O…

          • Hostile Negress

            Bone bone bone bone bone bone – ahhh now I’mma get back on THAT again. I just got off of that. THANKS man. THANKS.

            Midwest don’t like The Blacks. Yall know this is true. South? I mean, Iown know. I live here. But I’m from Maryland! lol

        • mssporadic

          We get down in Detroit. Watch yo’self!

        • brothaskeeper

          Post haste and forthwith, even….

    • Natalie Degraffinried

      This is all from the northeast… No one else in the country has the dearth of spirit to play Fatman Scoop on purpose. >_>

  • Trill Mickelson

    When I was at Ohio State, people from Cleveland played those “I Done Came Down” and “Get It Girl” joints EVERYWHERE. ALL THE TIME. I assume it was just a Cleveland thing, since the NE Ohio ninjas were the only ones who got hype. I hated those songs by the second week of college, and I’m still secretly worried that I’ll hear them at Black functions.

    • MysteryMeat

      I remember back in the day wen Cleveland cats would get amped wen they played Tela at the Valley Dale Icebreakers. I waaaaantt yoooooouuuu I neeed yooooou TEELA! I swear the only ninjas who loved that song were ninjas from Cleveland.

      Oh THEE Ohio State University good times good times.

  • anichole

    The “go-go” mix at any party in the south. No we don’t want to hear “Sexy Lady” out of all of the go-go songs you could’ve played.

    • Sigma_Since 93

      work won’t allow me to see the videos. did she attempt to vote Northeast Groover’s Booty Call off the island???

    • miss t-lee

      Never heard a go-go mix at any party down here.
      Bounce yes, reggae yes, go-go nah.

      • Nick Peters

        usually you will get sexy lady..and if there are enough people from DC at the party 3 minutes of whatever song happens to be hot

        • miss t-lee

          I have no clue what you’re talking about. I don’t listen to go-go…lol

          • Nick Peters

            I cried a tear for you

            • miss t-lee

              Please don’t.

    • SEXXXXXXY LADDDDDYYYYYYYY GIMME YO NUMBA GURLLLLLLLLLLL!!! ROLL WIDDIT!!!! ROLL WIDDITTTT!!!!

    • Nichole

      I’m fairly new here and don’t usually comment, but as a DMV girl, no go-go mix is just blasphemy! No Loose Booty, no Chuck Brown, no Phatty! Lord my pressure is up, I gotta sit down.

  • Animate

    I’m okay with all of these except for Back Dat Azz up. There is no way the other songs are better…and I like the other songs. I need a Hot Girl is close but doesn’t quite have what it takes.

    And besides. How many songs will have an entire place lose their mind when the first 13 seconds of a song plays?

  • Sigma_Since 93

    First off, you live in the mistake by the lake so I give you a pass…..sike
    Second, you’re in your 20’s. The old folks need something they can dance to in which they are assured no hips, knees or ankles will be broken while gyrating during those 4-5 minutes. I want to see you whip and / or Nae Nae at 45, 55, or 65. You’ll be happy when the Electric Slide comes on.

    Forgive her Father for she does not know what she’s asking for.

    • Natalie Degraffinried

      Also I’m giving that whip/nae nae song an early gtfo my playlist pass, so. *shrug*

    • “Second, you’re in your 20’s.”

      You want to aggravate a millennial? Just start the argument with this, LOL!

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