Bill Cosby Wants to Hold Town Halls on Sexual Assault and the Law. Bruh. » VSB

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Bill Cosby Wants to Hold Town Halls on Sexual Assault and the Law. Bruh.

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It appears as if Bill Cosby has lost his damn mind.

You know the story. He was accused of sexually assaulting over 50 women; the stories of the women are all strikingly similar to such a degree that it leaves little room for doubt; and there was a mistrial declared because a jury was unable to agree upon a verdict in the one case that made it to court.

Meanwhile, Bill Cosby has been acting a fool. He invited Keisha Knight –Pulliam (Rudy) to the first day of court. He inexplicably said ‘Hey, Hey, Hey’ in his Fat Albert voice on his way into court; and, in a move that his lawyers cannot be happy about, he has decided to do seminars for athletes and married men on how to not get accused of sexual assault.

But…I think Cosby is aiming too low. Instead of just a seminar, he should have an entire conference centered on the absurd. To wit, he could use his celebrity to host star-studded master classes of the following:

 Al “A.C.” Cowlings on how to be a best friend. 

AC is the ultimate ‘ride or die’ friend. He will never tell where the bodies are buried—literally.

MC Hammer on how to invest money.

Hammer’s net worth was estimated at over  $33 million in 1991. However, in 1996, he was over $13 million in debt. Taking financial advice from him sounds like an idea about as good as a married man attending this seminar.

Nuance with LaVar Ball

He showed up to the NBA Draft rocking a Big Baller Brand Easter suit. Ball is a master class in lack of subtlety, so his workshop would be a perfect fit.

Michael Jordan on how to keep up with the latest fashion trends.

MJ is still rocking the hoop earrings and boot cut, stonewashed jeans. He is exactly who Cosby needs to talk to about what’s hot in the streets.

Diversity training with Bill Maher.

…because he definitely knows when to not say nigger.

James Comey on how not to be a Fed.

Black folks were beside themselves when Comey went before the Senate Intelligence Committee and talked about Trump’s flexible relationship with the truth. Yet, I wasn’t about to give him any cookies.

We should never forget that this dude was (and for the most part still is) the Feds. In fact, he is the Fed-iest of Feds. If he had not reopened the investigation into Hillary’s emails days before the election, we would all be living in a very different country. The Falcons would have won the Super Bowl; Kaepernick would have a job; Caine would still be alive; and the Cavs would have won the NBA Finals. But no, we are not in that world because Comey decided to sabotage the election.

Singing lessons from John Legend.

As articulated by Panama Jackson, Legend is the ultimate non-singing, singing ass nigga. What he does on the mic may work for him, but singing like that will never work for you.

Mike Tyson on how to fight fair.

20 years ago next week, Tyson bit off a piece of Holyfield’s ear. Tyson sounds like the perfect candidate to give lessons at the conference on fair play and sportsmanship.

Intersectionality with Bernie Sanders.

Part of why the Senator from Vermont never got my vote was because he talked about race like it was a class issue. He failed to see that one can eradicate economic inequality and black folks would still get shot down in the streets. Lessons on what Kimberle Crenshaw calls ‘intersectionality’ from Sanders would be about as effective as any advice Cosby would have to give.

How to get away with murder with Betty Shelby and Jeronimo Yanez.

But all they’d say is: “wear a blue uniform because nigger hunting season is always in.”

Law W.

Lawrence Ware is a philosopher of race at his day job and writes if the kids go to bed on time. He is a contributing editor of NewBlackMan (in Exile) and a frequent contributor to The Root and other publications. He has been featured in the New York Times and you can sometimes find him discussing race and politics on HuffPost Live and Public Radio International. He is the kind of Steelers fan that enjoys watching the Cowboys lose.

  • Jasmine

    My father was cheering about this mistrial and was equally confused about this seminar. Surviving the last few weeks has been nothing short of a miracle. Pray for the dysfunction in my household, y’all.

    • cyanic

      Your father likes nothing more than the sight and taste of white tears. For that you should cut him some slack.

    • Kas

      I’ll pray for yours if you pray for mine.

      • cyanic

        Have members of your family changed their ring tone to Kiss Me?

        • Kas

          No. Did you ever sleep over your dad’s GF’s house while he was still married to and living with your mom? Note, I can play this game all day long

          • cyanic

            Your daddy is cut from the same piece of siht cloth as mine.

            • Kas

              My dad is a great guy. Horrible husband

              • cyanic

                I don’t want to say anything further about mine.

          • mr. steal your costco samples

            ayo what?

            • Kas

              Different GF, but an ex of his is arriving back from vacation today with my mom and some of her cousins. You missed the convocation last week.

          • Mochasister

            Damn, that’s all kind of messed up.

    • miss t-lee

      i’m sorry. :(

    • PinkRose

      I mean, this was funny and all and I truly wanted to up vote it.

      But because ol’ Kells is a pedophile, I just couldn’t. :(

    • miss t-lee

      My auntie and I got into it a bit last year because of this. She seemed to think they all wanted it. She also didn’t understand why they had to “bring this up, after all this time.”
      I literally had to walk off before I started cussing.

    • Nortey

      My dad was also pro-mistrial. I…just couldn’t.

  • miss t-lee

    The dudes who would actually show for this though.

    • Are you kidding? if he comes to Kansas City, turn on your telly. I’m going to troll that niqqa to DEATH.

      • miss t-lee

        If he comes through there, please go and report back.

        • If I don’t get arrested at the airport, I will be arrested at the even, for sure. Ironically, will do more time than Bill Cosby.

          • miss t-lee

            You ain’t lying.

      • Mary Burrell

        Somebody should but he has many supporters.

      • Mary Burrell

        If you didn’t make the Umar fiasco some VSB family should go and throw dog ?at him.

    • Val

      Yep, the feds should def stake out these seminars. Prolly catch a few fugitives.

      • miss t-lee

        Indeed.

      • truthseeker2436577@yahoo.com

        I wouldn’t be surprised.

    • BM, President of Fuckery

      Same dudes who say female and complain about friend zones.

      • miss t-lee

        Probably.

    • Brown Rose

      White and black for sure. Man he is so disgusting…*shudders*. He’s a monster.

      • miss t-lee

        He’s disgusting, these “seminars” are disgusting.
        Ugh…throw it all in the lake of fire.

        • Brown Rose

          A cleansing Fire. He needs to do hard time like Sisyphus in Hades. He a despicable, perverted wretch. because you know he’s going to get off on it.

          • miss t-lee

            Oh…I definitely see him walking.

          • grownandsexy2

            I hate to admit it but I do too.

        • Mary Burrell

          This degree of ain’t $hitness is up there with black folks supporting Trump.

          • miss t-lee

            Agreed.

  • PinkRose

    Who else is going to join me in banning (my kid) from eating Chick-fil-et.

    http://viralmugshot.com/chick-fil-a-president-dan-cathy-we-dont-like-the-blacks-either/

    The $hit don’t taste nearly as good as mine anyway!

    • They haven’t got my money since they went homophobic.

      • UrbanNortheast

        Mine either.

      • Kas

        Am I allowed to steal packets of sauce from them?

    • Val

      Nothing can stop Black folks from eating Chick-Fil-A, apparently. Dude could dress in a klan robe and work the counter and it wouldn’t matter.

      • BM, President of Fuckery

        “What do you want n*gger?”
        “Some white meat and a little chicken too.”

        ?

      • grownandsexy2

        The Chick-Fil-A near where I live always has a long line of cars. Always. You would think they were giving away money.

    • Kas

      Chil fil a has really fallen off.

    • Brooklyn_Bruin

      Snopes already debunked this

    • lilylawyer

      I don’t eat Chick-Fil-A because of the whole “we hate gays” thing. But my soul can only handle so much outrage, so I want to reserve it for the truth.

      It’s a fake story.

      http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/chickfila.asp
      That, of course, doesn’t mean he doesn’t hate black people. This story just isn’t true.

  • It would seem that 2016 was just the beginning of the end. Oh, and end this hoop earring slander Mr. Ware!

  • BM, President of Fuckery

    Told my friend that living in a cartoon wouldn’t be funny. What is life now?

  • Yoshiland, Handsome

    Always wanted to try arson.

  • UrbanNortheast

    SMH. Does he need money? I know his defense team was expensive but he was rich AF. He can’t be that broke, can he?

    He’s almost 80. Can’t he just stay home quietly somewhere like other retired folks? (I’ve been assuming that, even if he’s convicted, he won’t do any time.)

  • Coming to a town near you, cogito’s Sobriety and Abstinence workshop.

  • Looking4Treble

    Sit down, Bill. Just please sit down. Like, for the rest of your life. D*mn.

  • BM, President of Fuckery

    You have to ask, what’s the endgame? Why? How does he benefit?

    • Kas

      Keeping his legacy clean.

      • BM, President of Fuckery

        He failed. Miserably. Though like Hitler he will have some small band of scrubs defending him through time and space.

        • Kas

          You work in politics, you know how easy it is to clean up an image with some misdirection.

      • cakes_and_pies

        Yeah, that worked out well for OJ with his “If I did it” book.

        • Kas

          I speak to the intent not the effectiveness. However, I think Bill has a good chance for success because there are so many people who want to believe he truly is Dr. Huxtable come to life.

          • mr. steal your costco samples

            yeah, agree on this.

          • cakes_and_pies

            I never understood how people conflate the two. Actors and actresses are just people who pretend really well.

            • LMNOP

              Or pretend poorly but look good doing it.

    • Brown Rose

      Cosby is hitting this at the right time because of the awfulness of Trump. With that example of distressing humanity, he will brazen it out and people will believe him.

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