Bill Cosby Wants to Hold Town Halls on Sexual Assault and the Law. Bruh. » VSB

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Bill Cosby Wants to Hold Town Halls on Sexual Assault and the Law. Bruh.

It appears as if Bill Cosby has lost his damn mind.

You know the story. He was accused of sexually assaulting over 50 women; the stories of the women are all strikingly similar to such a degree that it leaves little room for doubt; and there was a mistrial declared because a jury was unable to agree upon a verdict in the one case that made it to court.

Meanwhile, Bill Cosby has been acting a fool. He invited Keisha Knight –Pulliam (Rudy) to the first day of court. He inexplicably said ‘Hey, Hey, Hey’ in his Fat Albert voice on his way into court; and, in a move that his lawyers cannot be happy about, he has decided to do seminars for athletes and married men on how to not get accused of sexual assault.

But…I think Cosby is aiming too low. Instead of just a seminar, he should have an entire conference centered on the absurd. To wit, he could use his celebrity to host star-studded master classes of the following:

 Al “A.C.” Cowlings on how to be a best friend. 

AC is the ultimate ‘ride or die’ friend. He will never tell where the bodies are buried—literally.

MC Hammer on how to invest money.

Hammer’s net worth was estimated at over  $33 million in 1991. However, in 1996, he was over $13 million in debt. Taking financial advice from him sounds like an idea about as good as a married man attending this seminar.

Nuance with LaVar Ball

He showed up to the NBA Draft rocking a Big Baller Brand Easter suit. Ball is a master class in lack of subtlety, so his workshop would be a perfect fit.

Michael Jordan on how to keep up with the latest fashion trends.

MJ is still rocking the hoop earrings and boot cut, stonewashed jeans. He is exactly who Cosby needs to talk to about what’s hot in the streets.

Diversity training with Bill Maher.

…because he definitely knows when to not say nigger.

James Comey on how not to be a Fed.

Black folks were beside themselves when Comey went before the Senate Intelligence Committee and talked about Trump’s flexible relationship with the truth. Yet, I wasn’t about to give him any cookies.

We should never forget that this dude was (and for the most part still is) the Feds. In fact, he is the Fed-iest of Feds. If he had not reopened the investigation into Hillary’s emails days before the election, we would all be living in a very different country. The Falcons would have won the Super Bowl; Kaepernick would have a job; Caine would still be alive; and the Cavs would have won the NBA Finals. But no, we are not in that world because Comey decided to sabotage the election.

Singing lessons from John Legend.

As articulated by Panama Jackson, Legend is the ultimate non-singing, singing ass nigga. What he does on the mic may work for him, but singing like that will never work for you.

Mike Tyson on how to fight fair.

20 years ago next week, Tyson bit off a piece of Holyfield’s ear. Tyson sounds like the perfect candidate to give lessons at the conference on fair play and sportsmanship.

Intersectionality with Bernie Sanders.

Part of why the Senator from Vermont never got my vote was because he talked about race like it was a class issue. He failed to see that one can eradicate economic inequality and black folks would still get shot down in the streets. Lessons on what Kimberle Crenshaw calls ‘intersectionality’ from Sanders would be about as effective as any advice Cosby would have to give.

How to get away with murder with Betty Shelby and Jeronimo Yanez.

But all they’d say is: “wear a blue uniform because nigger hunting season is always in.”

Law W.

Lawrence Ware is a philosopher of race at his day job and writes if the kids go to bed on time. He is a contributing editor of NewBlackMan (in Exile) and a frequent contributor to The Root and other publications. He has been featured in the New York Times and you can sometimes find him discussing race and politics on HuffPost Live and Public Radio International. He is the kind of Steelers fan that enjoys watching the Cowboys lose.

  • Simms~

    Just saw this travesty that is this “seminar” on another site and logged off cause iCan’t. I am unable to can with this ish.

  • Val

    Is RKelly going to be a special guest speaker?

    • PinkRose

      I mean, this was funny and all and I truly wanted to up vote it.

      But because ol’ Kells is a pedophile, I just couldn’t.

    • You mean the special piss speaker?? ?

      • SororSalsa

        What else would you expect from the “Peed Piper”?

    • Effrom Robinson

      Pound cake followed by the Pied Piper of R&B… people should have know when he called himself the Pied Piper.

  • PriceIsRightHorns

    My tweet from earlier today:

    I’m wondering why Bill wants to do a world tour to discuss sexual assault. Having a pudding pop and stadium seats would be best.

    • Mary Burrell

      And you know some negroes will attend the f#%k $hit that’s what so crazy.

  • Giantstepp

    “It appears as if Bill Cosby has lost his damn mind.”

    You could’ve stopped right after the first sentence. This dude is TRIPPING. I could not believe it when I read the news. I am SMH with my brow in a frown RIGHT NOW as I think back on this foolishness. He has to be missing a screw to think that this is a good idea. And who in TF is advising him to let this come out? WHO?

    Unbelievable!

    • Val

      He obviously has not one single friend.

      • Or he is just a sadistic piece of trash.

        • Kas

          Or and I think this is actually worse, he doesnt think he did anything wrong (adultery included).

          • Either way, I hope he gets hit by a large truck.

            • Simms~

              Oh d@mn – tell us how you really feel.

          • grownandsexy2

            I swear, it’s difficult for me to believe his wife thinks he’s innocent in her private moments without him, the media around. What she says in public can’t be what she truly believes. Wonder what her girlfriends are saying to her.

            • Kas

              They aren’t saying anything. I’m sure she has long since isolated herself from any true friends.

              • Bah Debo

                Yup….step 1) isolate, step 2) make her wholly dependent on you, step 3) Bill Cosby

            • SororSalsa

              She seems like she suffers from Stockholm Syndrome. I wonder if she knows what the truth is anymore.

              • grownandsexy2

                She may very well suffer from Stockholm Syndrome. 50 + women accuse your husband of chexxual assault and you don’t believe any of them? That they were all lying, gold diggers? That’s some real denial for your azz. I’m aware that some things are difficult to believe, but dayuum.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        Not a one. I saw his attorney and publicist (both black, woman and man) on some network talking about “Mr. Cosby wants to do a good deed” blah blah blah. Good deed? What will he discuss with the attendees of these seminars? How to find quaaludes on the black market? Niqqa PLEASE.

        • Kas

          He’s given Quaaludes a bad name.

          • PriceIsRightHorns

            Smh. I can’t with you, lol.

            • Kas

              Don’t knock it if you’ve never tried them. I’m sometimes still amazed that I made it through college.

              • PriceIsRightHorns

                I will have to take your word for it. I can’t co-sign anything that had a nickname of “disco biscuits.”

                • Kas

                  Since you didn’t ask a ranking of illicit substances
                  – Ecstasy/Molly
                  – Coke (before the bad depressing crashes start
                  – Cannabis
                  – Quaaludes
                  – Alcohol

                  • PriceIsRightHorns

                    LMAO. I’m going to stick with my drank, but thank you for the rundown.

                  • Cheech

                    You left out rhubarb.

                    • Kas

                      Googles rhubarb before going out to buy a pie.

                  • LMNOP

                    Isn’t alcohol licit though?

                    Also, when you get to the point of talking to your kids about drugs, maybe your wife should take the lead on that.

                    • Kas

                      Alcohol was included to show where it ranked, but you are correct it is legal. I haven’t done x, Quaaludes, or coke since college and pot in close to 15 years. I think I’m best suited to have the conversation as a voice of experience.

                    • LMNOP

                      Wait, you have actually really used quaaludes? I only hear about it as an older date rape drug. What’s the appeal? It doesn’t just knock you out? I guess I could probably google this.

                    • Kas

                      Very similar to alcohol (much worse coordination though) without the hangover.

                    • LMNOP

                      I was just reading about quaaludes, it sounds like they are a lot like anxiety medication, except much more so and can also cause euphoria. That actually sounds pretty nice lol, I can see why they don’t make them anymore. I had assumed they just incapacitated people.

                    • Kas

                      You always woke up the next day sore from a; the the things you bumped into the night before without noticing. Actually there was that one night I started burning cigarettes on my forearm. On second thought let’s move them down below alcohol.

                    • L8Comer

                      Christ ?

                    • Kas

                      You weren’t supposed to read this stretch of comments.

                    • L8Comer

                      Lolol. Well I’m sure you’ve read somethings you wish you hadn’t as well

                    • Kas

                      I only listed stuff I’ve tried, hence no hallucinogens or super addictive drugs.

                    • Mochasister

                      On a serious note why did you try drugs? I’ve always been terrified of drugs and alcohol; I never tried anything. Not even pot. The last time I had alcohol was over twenty years ago.

                    • Kas

                      Straight laced kid goes off to college . . . shenanigans ensue.

                    • SororSalsa

                      I was 100% straight laced, but the fear stuck with me, and to this day the closest I’ve gotten to pot is a contact high in college. I barely drink now.

                    • Mochasister

                      The DARE programs and the After School Specials didn’t scare the crap out of you?

                    • Kas

                      Considering when I was in college some people for football road trips put up Drunk Drivers Against Mad Mother’s, no.

                    • Mochasister

                      Ya’ll wasn’t s***.

                    • Kas

                      Sadly not all made it through unscathed from the excessive partying.

                    • SororSalsa

                      Where did you get them? Quaaludes are hard to come by now.

                    • Kas

                      Realize that I graduated from undergrad in 1987.

                  • Sweet Potato Kai ?

                    Where’s heroine, crack, oxytocin? Don’t be shy.

                    • Kas

                      See my reply to “all the letters”.

                    • SororSalsa

                      See my brother for why all of those are a really bad idea. He’s a walking “Just Say No” ad for the younger generation in our family.

                    • Mochasister

                      We have alcoholism in our family. Lucky me has it on both sides. My mother told me from an early age that alcoholism tends to run in families. Neither one of my parents is a big drinker because of this. I just decided from an early age that alcohol wasn’t going to play a big role in my life. And it hasn’t.

                  • L8Comer

                    Oh, you like the uppers.

                    • Kas

                      Correct

          • Mochasister

            I had to Google that drug. Never heard of them before. And I haven’t been following the case either.

    • Love Heals

      He obviously comes out of the O.J. “If I Did It” School. ( I literally just discovered that the subtitle was, “Confessions of The Killer”. )

      • lilylawyer

        Really? I did not know that little tidbit.

        • Love Heals

          Neither did I. I was pretty certain it was entitled “If I Did It”, but I wanted to be sure. Stunningly bad all around.

    • BrownKitty289

      This world right now is “Unbelievable”.
      We must remember the days of old with Obama and teach our children.
      Unfortunately, I think this world is choosing to live in the absurd and not the “woke”.

    • ms. nylahou

      I want that goood stuff Cosby’s smoking. I just don’t want it alone in a room with him.

  • BrothasKeeper

    Lena Dunham is conducting a seminar on interracial dating.

    Antonio Cromartie is creating an abstinence workshop.

    • miss t-lee

      Winner.

    • Rachel Dolezal was at a natural hair conference. Anything is possible.

      • cyanic

        She shaved her forehead to a five-head for the culture. Making her instantly equivalent to Tyra Banks, Susan Taylor, Sade, and Shari Belafonte.

      • Val

        And got paid to be there.

        • Rosalynjmckinney


          my roomate’s ex wife makes 79 dollars an hour from home. she’s been without a job for five months. the previous month her pay check was 18465 dollars only working on the internet five hours every day. ?check this page
          ???http://www.SoundOnlineTopJobsBuzzSound/Home/Wage….
          ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::ak35

        • Mochasister

          My people, my people. Sometimes I just weep.

    • Brown Rose

      Well that tickles me… OJ is willing to provide Skype counseling on becoming a true crime author.

    • SororSalsa

      Lena should have a seminar on how to get harassed by men who aren’t paying you any attention.

  • He can die slow.

    • cyanic

      How about quickly?

      • Where’s the fun in that?

        • Kas

          So ALS?

  • Glo

    At this point, he’s just trolling all of us, right? This is all just a big joke to him.

    • cyanic

      Michael Jackson dancing on top of a car during his molestation trial.

  • cyanic

    Guess this means they won’t be publishing my submitted Cosby piece.

    • yikes

      • Kas

        Pictures Cyanic going full Cyanic in a published post and gets gleeful at the possibilities.

    • Kas

      Congrats on submitting a piece.

    • Maybe next time

    • I mean, I’ll read it if you post it.

  • Cosby’s going to H E L L so he’s doing all he can right now to make sure he’s gonna enjoy the ride down. He’s sickening.

    And no ashey hoteps better come on here trying to defend this man either.

  • Charles Johnson

    I think he’s mistaking a “how to” seminar with a townhall.

    • cyanic

      First you put the poison in the pudding pop.

      • Charles Johnson

        and then you “awwwwwwww”

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