So Basically FBI Director James Comey Just Trolled The Entire Country? (Fuck This Election, Man) » VSB

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So Basically FBI Director James Comey Just Trolled The Entire Country? (Fuck This Election, Man)

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I’m trying (and failing) to think of a good and succinct analogy for what the FBI has done this month. Which is, of course, announce two weeks before the election that they were reopening their investigation into a non-issue (Clinton’s emails — a clear and blatant political McGuffin). Which, of course, could potentially have a significant effect on the election. And then, two days before the election, make another announcement basically saying “Eh, nevermind. We good.

Ultimately, it was the equivalent of your landlord calling you hysterically at 3am to say “Remember that gas leak I told you not to worry about?” And then you jump out of bed frantic, worried your house is going to explode. And then he sends another text 17 minutes later saying “Yeah…still don’t worry about it. Everything is cool.” And now, since you’re up, you decide to check apartment listings on Zillow and Craigslist anyway. Because while your place is safe, your landlord probably isn’t going to want to rent to you anymore after you shank him.

This is what I want to do to this year’s election. I want to shank it. I want to make a shank out of a shoelace or a spork or a piece of jasmin rice or a fucking vat of human earwax, I want that shank to grow sharp and rusty, and I want to slide up next to Election 2016 while its waiting in line at Chipotle, shank it in its spleen, and moonwalk away. I want Election 2016 to get immediate amoebic dysentery and die right there in line, underneath the too-watery guacamole and the beef no one ever orders.

Fuck this election, man. See you Tuesday.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • brothaskeeper

    Election 2016 isn’t sophisticated enough to dine at Chipotle. You definitely won’t see it at a Popeye’s organization, either. You can catch it at Carl’s Jr. or one of the tacky KFC/Taco Bell combo restaurants.

    • TheUnsungStoryteller

      Or Jack in the Box. Or maybe any Frenchy’s in the hood.

      • brothaskeeper

        Dat boudin, tho! Wha’chu know about Frenchy’s?

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Best chicken in H-town! I love Frenchy’s. You from H-town, right? I remember that.

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Best chicken in H-town! I remember you typed that you were from H-town so I figured you knew about that. I fell in love with Frenchy’s. They just need to work on their service…(that’s a different story tho)

          • brothaskeeper

            Service with a side of attitude, yes! But I am fairly certain that they season their chicken with crack.

  • Hugh Akston

    funny little story

    was talking to one of my good friends on the phone last night…she is mixed…as we were talking she was hanging out with one of her yt cousins…election talk started…cousin overheard…they got into it…she was in disbelief that her cousin could support drumpf

    there must some fun conversations going around the country…especially those in mixed relationships….again no headaches for me doh…got my popcorn for Tuesday

    • Tambra

      Well there are apparently honest to goodness splits in relationships. And there are reports that some people are claiming they would never date anyone who supports Drumf not even in the future.

      • Hugh Akston

        i mean, would you?

        • Tambra

          Nope.

        • -h.h.h.-

          possibly.

        • Kas

          How limber is she?

    • Negro Libre

      If you want to know an American’s political preference, just start talking to them about what they hate in American politics, in 3 mins or less, you’ll get all the info you need. Even if they lie to you, you’ll still know, because Americans vote on hatreds not policy, which is why this election is more about branding than the future, Trump or no Trump, the problems persist, thus…

      http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4OBmuIQHQvw/U30HZ4zijLI/AAAAAAAASD4/aS-4sesZdbw/s1600/fuck+it.gif

      • Hugh Akston

        pretty much my thought since the beginning of this race…either way Tuesday night going to be interesting

        • LMNOP

          I’m going to need some good food for that night.

          • Tambra

            What about strong drink?

            • LMNOP

              Maybe that too. I picked the wrong year to try to give up drinking lol. I really should have just taken a personal day Wednesday.

              • It’s gonna be crazy side eyes and attitudes on Wednesday no matter who wins.

          • brothaskeeper

            Make it last. You may have to start hunting your food depending on the results.

            • LMNOP

              Do you think the stores will be crazy Monday like they are before a storm?

              • brothaskeeper

                Grocery stores, no. Liquor stores, yes.

                • NonyaB?

                  Run to the likkah sto’ faster than BTNH

    • L8Comer

      it’s funny she’s justtttt finding this out.

    • kingpinenut

      Plentay of folks I ain’t talked to on Mrs. KingPineNut’s side….

      Don’t miss that shid atall

    • Kas

      Was doing my neighborhood walk yesterday with wifey and of course the old man with the make America great again sign gives us the friendly wave. I got the earwax shank out . . . And now I’m on the run.

  • PriceIsRightHorns

    This entire election season has me like

    https://media2.giphy.com/media/kM6tOKV9ovIf6/200w.gif

  • brothaskeeper

    Mr. Young, how dare you condone the killing of 2016, and by using such a barbaric method! Only minorities use earwax shanks! I’m friends with other years, and they’ve never had anything co-opted from them! #ALLYEARSMATTER!

    -a righteously indignant Internet user

    • Tambra

      Hateful Hillary supporter or something like that

  • Because it’s Sunday and this is how I’ve been feeling…

    “She acts this way because she knows it is right — because this is just how you are supposed to treat other people.”

    http://www.scarymommy.com/raising-child-without-religion-wont-make-bad-person/

    • LMNOP

      So church this morning didn’t do it for you?

      Not judging, the last time I went to church was the week before the Charleston massacre, I stayed home even Christmas and Easter last year. I keep thinking I’m going to start going to church again soon, but it hasn’t happened yet.

      • I haven’t been because I am really struggling with religion. I have been struggling with this for a while. I am more spiritual than religious and raising my daughter somewhat in that fashion. After researching Christianity and how the Bible has been shaped, books picked and chosen and others eliminated, I have disconnected from religion. Being open and exposed to other great people of other belief systems, while being oppressed by people in a religion I once shared, has vastly opened my mind. My daughter will have the moral compass of doing good and being good because of tangible consequences. I think more of us, particularly 35 and under, are walking in that truth.

        • Tambra
          • Negro Libre

            Bill Maher is lowkey losing his mind this election lol.

            • Tambra

              He did a comedy show recently ” whiny little beetch”

            • brothaskeeper

              Imagine what Jon Stewart is going through!

        • LMNOP

          Being a good person is what really matters.

        • Kas

          I’m not religious and honestly I don’t believe in the idea of one great God who is responsible for all good things in your life, but testing you when something bad happens. It sounds more like something mankind came up with. That being said, I think there good lessons that can be gleamed from any religion. It goes off the rail when people are willing to follow their leaders blindly.

    • NonyaB?

      This atheist says: I understand. ? Morality/inherent goodness exists independent of religion.

  • theblacksauce

    IDFK about this election…

    • LMNOP

      November Fools!

      Wait, what? That’s not a thing?

  • Mary Burrell

    I wish I could black out and forget 2016

    • Msz O

      Exactly. From the very beginning when David Bowie died.

    • truthseeker2436577@yahoo.com

      2016 has been a messed up year to put it lightly.

  • blogdiz

    I have to admit that I am no fan of of HRC but over the election she has kind of grown on me , She is one tough cookie and IMO if a white male had her experience, knowledge intellect , credentials ,accomplishment , temperament and yes even all her flaws there would be no contest that man would be way ahead .
    She is basically the white woman version of that old black motto of ours you have to work twice as hard to get half as much whilst in the meantime the bar is set so low for Trump its peak White male mediocrity.
    My fear is whomever wins the nightmare continues , Pandoras racist box has been opened and the ugly demons aint going back in the box.

    • L8Comer

      Yeah, Everyone is all “I can’t wait for this election to be over” but trump and the mainstreaming of this bigoted, fear mongering type discourse isn’t going anywhere even if he loses.

      • blogdiz

        Sigh

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        I hope Trump explodes and disappears into vapor after he loses this election. He is so full of insecurity and despair that I almost feel sorry for him. He doesn’t even know who he is and the damage that he’s caused/is causing.

        Have you read this NYT article about him needing assurance? http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/07/us/politics/donald-trump-presidential-race.html?_r=0

        • L8Comer

          I’ll check it out. I almost felt sorry for him a few weeks back when they were talking about his psyche on CNN. His existence seemed really troubled, disturbed, sad, and painful. But also dangerous, mean, sociopathic, and predatory. He’s old enough and rich enough to get help or at least not impose his fucked up mind on the entire country.

          • Tambra

            Yeah but they are not helping their own cause. When Kelly Ann Conway is now claiming that Hilary got her maid to print out emails as well as she was not in NY around the time of 9/11, they are helping to push the man further into delusionland.

            • L8Comer

              Depends on what their cause is. It may not be what we think it is.

          • TheUnsungStoryteller

            Yeah, you would think so…problem is…he is comfortable where he is. He doesn’t have to reflect about who is his and what he is doing. I mean, this man has it all already. He’s rich, he’s white and he has a following. He reminds me of one of the privileged frat boys at my PWI.

            • L8Comer

              He reminds me of Voldemort.

              I started reading the Harry Potter series recently for the first time, and I see so many similarities. I’ve started calling trump supporters are Death Eaters, including the many republicans who think trump won’t rise to power and are scurrying away…refusing to endorse him (but won’t quite disavow him). They are hedging their bets.

              S/N: it sounds like trump is running a prison with this line:
              “Not even staff members who volunteer to be dismissed are let go” Lolol!

              • TheUnsungStoryteller

                I’ve always wanted to read the Harry Potter books! I’ve only read a few pages of the first one a long, long time ago…but it was decent! Lol… Now, you have really piqued my interest.

                Yeah…that’s pretty scary. It could be foreshadowing his leadership as a president…(but them folks don’t see that though…)

                • L8Comer

                  Oh you should! People have been telling me to read them for years. I’m on book 5 and I just started in August or September, not sure which. J.K. Rowling is such a good writer.

                  Those people are going to regret their involvement in his campaign. From this article, it sounds like those people close to him have a very close view into what an unfit and irrational president he would be. He can’t properly function. I guess they are hoping for powerful positions where they can influence him.

              • There is a rubric for facism that men like Trump follow. From fiction to non-fiction, it all looks the same.

                • L8Comer

                  rule by fear. it’s an effective way to control people.

              • LMNOP

                I just shared this observation with my 10 year old, who appreciated it. That’s a great analogy.

                • L8Comer

                  Lol, thank you! :) I’m happy to be of service. Too bad we don’t have a real life Harry Potter…at least not yet. Bernie almost took him down and is dorky and noble. But he’s not so powerful (right now).

                  • LMNOP

                    Bernie I see more as a Dumbledore figure. I don’t think we have any Harry Potter type people. Clinton is basically the ministry of magic.

                    • L8Comer

                      Oh yes, Bernie is such a fitting Dumbledore! And so far I agree on your assessment of Clinton.

        • NonyaB?

          Disappear? Doubtful. If he loses, he’s continue railing around via his TV show (maybe create a new one) or loser online network, especially now that he has a big following. The fool lives for attention.

        • NonyaB?

          Disappear? Doubtful. If he loses, he’II continue railing around via his TV show (maybe create a new one) or loser online network, especially now that he has a big following. The fool lives for attention.

        • L8Comer

          Ughhh. I can’t even finish watching this. Idk if I’d burst into tears or hit him with my car.

          • When he reached inside the car… ohmigee.

            • L8Comer

              Ohhhh! I didn’t even get to that part. I legit got so upset I stopped watching. I hope he pressed charges for assault. There is no way I could engage in something like that. That’s one strong man.

        • Hugh Akston

          that window would have been up so fast could care less what happens to his fingers

          • L8Comer

            me too, Hugh.

          • Man, can you stand your ground in your car?

        • Tambra

          This is heartbreaking.

      • BrownKitty289

        Thats why we (AAs) gotta learn how to SUPPORT each other and MOVE TOGETHER.
        This racism is just getting more & more TERRIBLE!
        Black Folk gotta STAND UP AS ONE!
        (side note rant)Seriously, This isn’t gonna get any better.
        I sometimes wish it was the 90s again. When white folk stayed in their lane instead of trying to invade ours (culturally, speaking). Racism was STILL happening but right now they are doing too damn much. #smh

        • pls

          The difference is they don’t have to hide their secret desire to BE us anymore. Rachel D out here giving them hope.

          Can everyone on here vow to stay home this black friday? I want all black people to stay home and spend no money on those days following thansgiving. Stop making their world go round. If you must spend your hard earned money, start shopping now or go to a black owned toy store or something.

    • MyAlterNegro

      What credentials? What accomplishments? She’s a typical lawyer turned politician like most of them. She rode her husband’s coattails and used their business marriage to leverage two (mostly) charmless campaigns. She carpetbagged her way to a NYS Senator seat after buying a summer home in Chappaquidick then had the nerve to announce a run for candidacy for the Presidency in 2008. She was never elected to Secretary of State of course and was appointed as a consolation prize to losing to Obama. If a white male had her experience, we would be like “meh” cuz she’s a mediocre politician who just happens to have a lot of book facts.

      • blogdiz

        My point still stands in this mediocre sh1tstorm of an election where one candidate has uttered some of the vilest things in recent memory , refuses to share his tax return (the first time in decades in a presidential election) filed bankruptcy god knows how many times and has a reputation for trying to shaft the small people whose goods and services he uses is representing the “Family Values Party despite being in his 3rd marriage to a wife who is nekkid all over the internet and has dubious background would not be neck and neck with the white male version of HRC no matter how “basic ” you may think she is

  • blogdiz

    Comeys appointment is just another reminder of how President Obama wasted much of his tenure trying to extend a hand across the aisle in friendship and all he got back was a nub.
    He never got the Memo that these people made up their mind to see him fail and were not gonna be led by a niqqa so 8 years of oppose/obstruct by both houses
    Comeys actions were deliberately vague but harmful and IMO falls under trying to unfairly influence an election, and I hope if HRC wins she will have the balls Obama did not and get rid of him and I hope she eventually gets the majority needed in both houses to put an end to this BS

    • PinkRose

      Actually, I think he DID see the handwriting on the wall and did what he had to do at the time. Y’all actually think he made it through Harvard (which ain’t as friendly toward Blacks as they should be IMHO) to lead the Harvard Review without begin smart and knowing how to see the bigger picture?

      Personally, I could care less what racist white folks say about POTUS and loyal Black folks should too. Given everything he’s had to deal with being the most threatened and most obstructed President EVER , HISTORY I’m certain will remember him as one of the best US presidents of ALL time.

      It’s just too bad so many millennials are too disloyal to “get” that, yet they more than reap the benefits of those who had to “tow the line” before long before they were an embryo.

      • Considering how many millenials were thrown in jail by their elders, I’m not sure thanks is what’s needed. Elders like the CBC cheerleaded while their kids were thrown in jail, and I’m supposed to thank them?

        • Betty’s Babygirl

          “Elders like the CBC…”

          And just about every Resilient. Those neighborhoods were besieged with the ravages of crack and those who watched from a safe distance. They voted into office representatives again and again who supported the crime bill. Like sheep they were led to the slaughter. They didn’t/couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I lived through those years albeit not in a place ravaged by the crack epidemic. However, I am not a sheep. I KNEW when the law was written with mandatory sentences for crack cocaine and not powder cocaine, Resilients and POC would be disproportionately negatively affected. I pray everyday that when we know better we do better,

          • My larger point is to push back against the whole “ungrateful millenial” streak I’ve seen online. Yes, millenials have more opportunities than other generations, but they’ve been through BS not of their own making as well.

            • Tambra
            • Betty’s Babygirl

              I get your point. My point is accountability. We’ve all inherited unpleasant results from the generation that preceded us. But it is what it is. One can either sit around and lay blame as to why their lives are not the way they believe it should be. Or they can put on their big boy/girl pants and begin shaping their lives into one they want it to be and keep it moving.

              • Hugh Akston

                is this another “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” argument?

                • Betty’s Babygirl

                  Nope cause everyone doesn’t have bootstraps let alone boots. It is we all can complain about something the previous generation left for us to deal with by kicking the can down the road. There’s nothing new about that. I have no problem with identifying the problems a generation has been saddled with. However, I do have a problem with using that as an excuse for being whiny, apathetic and unproductive. I’m not making a glaring generalization toward millennials only. Unfortunately, it’s applicable to way too many people.

                  • Hugh Akston

                    gotcha i guess this “Or they can put on their big boy/girl pants and begin shaping their lives into one they want it to be and keep it moving.”

                    threw me off…

                    • PinkRose

                      I’ll double down on that comment, y’all need to put on your big boy/girl pants and begin shaping your lives into one they want it to be and keep it moving.”

                    • Hugh Akston

                      if you want to do that that’s fine, but it does not make it any more correct..

              • PinkRose

                Thank you!!!

            • PinkRose

              Not of their own making? You cut slack to your own generation but don’t do the same for POTUS?

              How hypocritical!!

              • Who had more control over their circumstances though? The President isn’t a dictator, but he isn’t an ordinary civilian either.

                • PinkRose

                  Do you really think a Black President has the same “powers” as his White predecessors? How many examples were there during Obama’s presidency that this was NEVER the case, the most recent being his inability to appoint someone to SCOTUS due to Rethug gridlock?

                  • Brooklyn_Bruin

                    He bombed a lot of countries, so yeah.

                    • PinkRose

                      Bombing other countries is also known as war, and we were in 2 of those when he was elected. So yeah, bombing is kinda one of those tings that folks do during war.

                    • Brooklyn_Bruin

                      We’re bombing 5 now, so yeah power.

            • DM.

              I’m just shocked the stale “He’s the president of all americans not black americans y’all!” line hasn’t been wheeled out already lol

            • Epsilonicus

              Exactly.

        • Epsilonicus

          People often forget they were some of thee biggest cheerleaders for “crime control” while folks like Sista Souljah was warning against all that ish.

      • blogdiz

        Well , I know this is VSB where any critiques of Obama inevitably leads to an unwanted and often unneeded civics lecture on the different branches of government LOL
        I dont know/care what he went through at Harvard , I can only evaluate him based on his performance in the Oval Office and Yes I understand, that its a miracle that he got anything done AT ALL and I appreciate the man , his family and all his challenges cuz like I said , the GOP was determined to see him fail, by the time he wised up (if he really did ) , they had gotten control of both houses.
        That being said that does not mean that President Obama is above critique from Black Folks and there is nothing “disloyal “about it . Furthermore loyalty is a two way street ,Dems have been taking the black vote for granted for decades and IMO he was no exception
        Every voting block in this country expects something for their vote and Black people should be no exception
        Now where you and I may have agreement is that it s foolosh to cut off our nose to spite our face so never Trump
        Peace

        • L8Comer

          You disloyal millennial you!

          • blogdiz

            LULZ , Actually have fair amount of respect for the Man and his Presidency, whoever wins the White House will be a less classy joint for sure and he will always get extra bonus points for Michelle !
            l just just hate it when people behave as if he is above criticism, and also not a fan of his “Lecturer in Chief “schtick c toward black folks either

            • L8Comer

              I agree with you. I like him, but no one is above criticism. And questioning something / someone doesn’t make you disloyal. Not that you owe him or any politician loyalty to begin with.

              • blogdiz

                Exactly!

        • Kas

          No lies detected

        • PinkRose

          I’m not saying he’s above critique, but critique in context otherwise it IS disloyal.

          But I expect that from Blacks born in America ’cause slavery taught us to be that way.

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